DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

[Kfcinbed]

My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

So you need to make sure she never get to "buy a say" in your life.

You buy yourself and he rents, or you continue to rent together while your DP continues to add to his savings and buy next year as more like equals.

She needs to see she doesn't get a say, so don't give her a way in. No 'gifts', no 'help'. No involvement.

I’ve noticed a lot of people are funny about the word ‘family’.
You are obviously committed enough to live together and consider buying a property together. After that it’s probaby marriage and kids.

So why consider you ‘just’ a girlfriend?

We have all sorts in our family. No one is conventional and not all related by blood. But all very much welcome!!

I'm just so gobsmacked that his mother is planning to make money out of her son's demise.

I feel really sorry for your dp, OP, but do be careful. He is still trying to get this stone goddess to actually love him.

She describes it as 'inappropriate' that I receive more as I am not family.

Well yeah.....IF you hadn't paid a penny towards the place

But it's your flat. She knows she's being unreasonable, that's the point. She's being like this to drive home the point she's in control.

This will carry on and away like a forest fire. Then things will die down for a while, then she'll be back from an other angle.

Now she realises he's staying here, she's going to pull out all the tricks. You'll be waiting for her to do something all the time.

There is no excuse for your dp giving in over the car rides, for instance. But he's deep in the fog

It would be useful to talk it all out with him as much as possible, but also consider yourself how he's behaved as well. He might be a great guy, but was giving in over the car rides a one off or his standard response?

You should take out a life assurance policy on your boyfriend just to annoy her. A nice amount like £1m, it'll be cheap as he's young. 🤣

(joking!)

Actually if his company offer a death in service benefit, she probably would get that already so she wanted the flat on top?

Sounds like she'd want to inherit whoever paid his deposit.

On a similar note to SeaGreen how have you and your DP arranged things like pension beneficiaries and death in service benefits?

Yes, I was asking (apparently incoherently) if she is racist.

Her idea of family versus non-family is interesting. I wonder if she would handle this in the same way if your DP was buying with a mate instead of a girlfriend.

I also wonder what the threshold for ‘family’ is - first born child or is marriage required first or is a 25th wedding anniversary necessary too? Because if she has not accepted any girlfriend up till now, it actually sounds like nothing would be good enough.

Forgot to add - on the basis of the ‘family’ argument, even if he paid the deposit on his own, it sounds like she would still want to be his beneficiary.

She does know you're putting in the majority of the cash right? He hasn't told her some tale about how he's doing the majority of the deposit including her gift, has he?

Either way have a long think about what you want before you leap into anything permanent here.

Don't do the will her way because DH may have a change of heart and feel sneaky changing it afterwards.
Do a will leaving her the money she has paid in, not a penny more.
That is fair - her 'investment' is protected and it's less sneaky than changing the will afterwards which I think your partner would struggle with.
If it is clear that she will get her share back then she has no argument.
If theres bad feeling then that is because she is being unreasonable.

I have not read the whole thread, but surely DP's mother is not entitled to 50% of the property? exexpat idea or something along the lines should do. 5% of the property as long as the loan is outstanding. Now this will mean increased solicitor fees to make sure the will is properly drafted, will she pay for that too (I am just being cheeky?)

I’m not sure if it’s the same now but previously you used to be able to not stipulate either way ( joint tenants or tenants in common) and the Land Registry used to just put it down as joint tenants that way there’s no documents showing which way it is registered and unless you know what you are looking for in the registration documents you wouldn’t know either (a restriction is put in the B register if Tenants in Common). Regardless of a will when it goes through probate it could still go against her anyway and is she going to demand to see a copy of his will?

she sounds batshit-she wants you to have no say over a property youre paying into?

shes not outrageous shes insane

Blimey oh Riley! Thus post is such a roller-coaster.
I think you have got out of a difficult situation. Your 'MIL' sounds awful, a complete, unreasonable witch, who has a total lack of basic maths, fairness and commonsense.
I wish you all the luck in the world, house moving is stressful enough without this b*llocks. The following give me warnings about your current situation:
*DP has a psycho bitch mum who seems to be determined to bugger things up for you
*DP financial situation - has no savings. What are his spending habits?

I know that this might sound corny but there is a list of questions, I think from the Oprah show, about questions you need to ask to longer term partners to see how compatible you both are. Most of the questions are around finance, if you want kids or not and a bit about religion (very important to some people, not at all for others). Might be a good idea to go through them at some point in the near future.
Good luck

@peekyboo I'm unsure if she does know she's being unreasonable - she is so unhinged I think she might actually believe what she's saying!

Ha! Another thought - if it is all about family, how would she feel if he left his share of the property to his sister instead? Or, since you are not buying together, everything else he owns? What would she say or do if he were to tell her that his current will leaves everything to you now anyway?

On a similar note to SeaGreen how have you and your DP arranged things like pension beneficiaries and death in service benefits?

Ooh. Very good point.

Return her money. Pull out if need be. Re-evaluate your relationship. See this as a blessing in disguise. There will be other houses. Prices are dropping, not increasing. Don't be beholden to such a controlling personality - the money isn't worth it! Yes, you'll lose the fees you've already paid - a drop in the ocean compared to the amount of grief you'll have in the future if you went ahead.

Wordthe Sat 05-Jan-19 12:36:59
She sees her son as an extension of herself
He is part of her and therefore anything that belongs to him belongs (by default) to her

^ I think that Wordthe has hit upon something here. I went back to find this post as it resonated with me at the time.

It could well be that your DP's mother has never seen him as a separate human being in his own right, and he has grown up with that extremely dysfunctional understanding of himself in relation to his mother. Just as the OP struggled objectively to see how fucked up the DM's proposals were because she was so involved in it, he won't be able to see just how fucked up her relationship with him is.

OP, it's good, actually quite amazing, that your DP has managed to move to the UK from Australia, so there is a glimmer of hope that he will be able to extricate himself from her clutches, but it won't happen quickly, and if Wordthe is right, he'll need help to do so.

That dynamic would certainly go some way to explaining why she seems to think that she is acting reasonably and is apparently unable to see how crazy this is, especially her concern about inheritance. To me, as a mother, there is something really grotesque and abhorent about her fixation on her son's finances in the event of his death. Were my son to die before me, I know with absolute certainty that inheriting his property would not be in my thoughts.

I haven't had time to read every single post, just the OPs, but I'm very glad that you're not going ahead with this.
In terms of being able to make Next of Kin decisions for your BF (if that's what he wants) you can always set up Powers of Attorney for each other, then it's all sorted and his mum can't override your wishes in the unlikely event of something awful happening.
Toxic parents are awful - I used to have an MIL like this, complete nightmare....

Get a life policy on him so you can move on if he dies. Technically the flat would be worth nothing if you had tenancy rights. Let him do it but get a policy in place

You've dodged a bullet OP. You would have been beholden to her until the loan was all paid off.

Good luck for future flat hunting. Hope you find something perfect very soon.