to have abandoned my own dinner party to cry in my bedroom

[Mellowingslowly]

4 weeks ago I had a sudden miscarriage (one of several in the last year). The day before the miscarriage I had a bleed - my close friend (let's call her Sam) came to a scan with me that day - much to my surprise and delight, everything was postive. She shared in my joy and mentioned that she is trying for a baby too - she said that she and her husband had discussed how they would have to be sensitive telling me if they got pregnant, given my history of recurrent miscarriage. I expressed gratitude for this, and explained how hard I have found pregnancy announcements this year, but that hopefully my luck had changed now. The next day I haemorrhaged and lost the baby.

Sam was the only one of my friends in this city that knew about this pregnancy. She knows how heartbroken I was / am. She informed her husband of what had happened (which I'm fine about) and at my instruction, told some of our mutual friends (as I wanted them to know why I was taking some space from them).

Tonight my husband and I had Sam and her husband over for dinner. Just before serving dinner I was talking to Sam about how I am not drinking at the moment because my dad is an alcoholic and I'm concerned about using alcohol to cope with my sadness. Behind my back, Sam's husband (who had had a couple of glasses) made various gestures and remarks I couldn't quiet hear about Sam not drinking too, which made Sam smile and then tell him to be shhh.

I was confused what was going on, so asked them if I had missed a joke. Sam's husband responded that he "had picked up a big spoon" (ie. was just stirring). It was obvious there was a joke between them - when I asked again what they were laughing at, Sam then told me she was pregnant.

I tried to congratulate her, but felt unable to hold back the tears. I didn't want to cry in front of everyone, so I've fled upstairs and left my husband to host the dinner party. Aibu to not go back downstairs?

I don't begrudge them being happy about the pregnancy, but it just somehow felt cruel for them to make a joke of it behind my back and then tell me under these circumstances, just as I was about to sit down to a meal with them.

I now feel trapped upstairs, waiting for them to go. I feel like an angsty teenager, not a grown woman right now - but much as I want to, I just can't stop crying (I've been fine for a couple of weeks until now).

Thank you for the comments.
I think @LisaSimpsonsbff has summed up why I was upset - generally I cope OK with pregnancy announcements (they happen all the time - normally a smile and congratulations is sufficient). But this is the first one where I've felt the butt of a joke and the first one where its happened while I was mentioning the losses (which I was only doing as Sam had urged me to speak to her honestly about it and I wanted to explain my not drinking - but it was a 30 second conversation and her husband may not have heard the detail of what we were talking about, just that I wasn't drinking).

Anyway, I've sorted it out with Sam. My husband has told me she was cross with her husband after I went upstairs. It's not her fault he makes inappropriate jokes.

I can see both sides of the staying to eat - I think they probably just felt awkward and followed my husband's lead, which I really can't blame them for.

Anyway, thanks for helping me clarify why I reacted so strongly.

Maybe it would have had to come out last night anyway? If you had offered her a drink and she turned it down?

I think if I'd been her I would have told the husband to fuck off home by himself, and would have come up to you on my own.

Obviously you’d have to hear about the pg sometime but at the very start of an evening with just the four of you, in your own home, is possibly the worst time to pick.

I’m so so sorry, to you OP and to everyone going through similar. I now have 2 moody teenagers but I was in your shoes for a long while and the crass insensitivity of some friends & family back then was so hard to cope with. I wish you all the best xx

I don't think the OP sounds like she is the sort to make a fuss if someone announced a pregnancy in a normal way, but just expected a bit of consideration from her supposed friends very soon after getting the sad result of her scan.

If they had waited a few weeks and told her in a nicer way I am sure she would have been fine with it and been happy for them, even if it did make her sad for herself.

I just can't believe they turned her revelation she wasn't drinking because she felt she may overdo it due to feeling so unhappy into a joke. I realise it was the dh who was most at fault there, but why didn't her friend come and find her and try to apologise and comfort her? Or at least ask OP dh to check on her. Very bad behaviour from this couple.

"Maybe it would have had to come out last night anyway? If you had offered her a drink and she turned it down?"

Not necessarily as Sam had already told Op that she was ttc.

The husband used the alcohol talk as an opportunity to spill the beans though.

Guess that was why the stirring-he knew that he wasn't supposed to say anything.

Also as has been said, it's pretty early to be telling people anyway(imo), so it's hard not to think that he was being deliberately nasty.

I can see both sides of the staying to eat - I think they probably just felt awkward and followed my husband's lead, which I really can't blame them for.

You have very low expectations of both your DH and your friends

What a pair of bellends. When I announced my pregnancy with my youngest to a group of friends we had all suffered losses or trouble conceiving, and I probably thought more about how to announce it than I did about anything else in the pregnancy to that point because it is such a hard thing to get right. Whatever you do, you risk someone finding it hard to deal with, but most people appreciate the effort unless you carry on like a pair of absolute twats and make it a million times harder than it needs to be for them.

for you OP - they have been unconscionably insensitive and you deserve better from someone you consider a close friend.

I’m so sorry, it must have been very upsetting.

I do think @TheStoic has a point, I wouldn’t take all the proxy-anger on here as a sign you should end your friendship. I’d maybe ask for some space and not think about this incident any more until some time has passed, it’s all so raw right now. The partner is clearly a dick, but your friend may well just have mishandled a difficult situation, and still be a lovely friend who is worth being friends with for years to come.

You poor thing, you’ve just had a loss, and it hurts so much.

The DH behaved like a complete dick. Your friend not quite so much so, that was until she left you crying upstairs & made no effort to check on you before they left. So they should both be apologising.

Can I make a suggestion as regards your frequent miscarriages. I'm adding a link to explain it, but it's frequently missed by doctors as they put too much store on blood tests that are recognised by NICE as been unreliable. That's if they think to test at all. It affects both you & baby too if left untreated & frequent miscarriage is a known symptom. I saw many a beautiful baby photo posted on a support group that I'm a member of, all by women whose big symptom had been infertility & frequent miscarriage & treatment had seen them give birth to healthy babies. So I'd definitely recommend pushing for a trial of treatment, whatever your blood test results

www.b12deficiency.info/b12-and-pregnancy/

I'm sorry but I think Sam is a dick, too. Didn't come up to see how you were, just sat and ate your food and then left with her dick husband. I don't buy all the 'new dad' (he's not yet, he just got someone pregnant) stuff as an excuse to be rude, either. I'd be taking a step back from them, tbh.

I agree with thebaronets post too your friend was equally guilty of shitty behaviour, if not more so as you've confided in her

I mean, think about it: if the shoe were on the other foot, wouldn't you go over how you were going to work things with your partner before going to your house knowing what she does? Because I'll wager most people would, at least something like let's just stick to I'm not drinking as we are TTC.

Then sat there and ate your food whilst you were crying upstairs and then left?

C'mon.