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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have abandoned my own dinner party to cry in my bedroom

164 replies

Mellowingslowly · 04/01/2019 20:10

4 weeks ago I had a sudden miscarriage (one of several in the last year). The day before the miscarriage I had a bleed - my close friend (let's call her Sam) came to a scan with me that day - much to my surprise and delight, everything was postive. She shared in my joy and mentioned that she is trying for a baby too - she said that she and her husband had discussed how they would have to be sensitive telling me if they got pregnant, given my history of recurrent miscarriage. I expressed gratitude for this, and explained how hard I have found pregnancy announcements this year, but that hopefully my luck had changed now. The next day I haemorrhaged and lost the baby.

Sam was the only one of my friends in this city that knew about this pregnancy. She knows how heartbroken I was / am. She informed her husband of what had happened (which I'm fine about) and at my instruction, told some of our mutual friends (as I wanted them to know why I was taking some space from them).

Tonight my husband and I had Sam and her husband over for dinner. Just before serving dinner I was talking to Sam about how I am not drinking at the moment because my dad is an alcoholic and I'm concerned about using alcohol to cope with my sadness. Behind my back, Sam's husband (who had had a couple of glasses) made various gestures and remarks I couldn't quiet hear about Sam not drinking too, which made Sam smile and then tell him to be shhh.

I was confused what was going on, so asked them if I had missed a joke. Sam's husband responded that he "had picked up a big spoon" (ie. was just stirring). It was obvious there was a joke between them - when I asked again what they were laughing at, Sam then told me she was pregnant.

I tried to congratulate her, but felt unable to hold back the tears. I didn't want to cry in front of everyone, so I've fled upstairs and left my husband to host the dinner party. Aibu to not go back downstairs?

I don't begrudge them being happy about the pregnancy, but it just somehow felt cruel for them to make a joke of it behind my back and then tell me under these circumstances, just as I was about to sit down to a meal with them.

I now feel trapped upstairs, waiting for them to go. I feel like an angsty teenager, not a grown woman right now - but much as I want to, I just can't stop crying (I've been fine for a couple of weeks until now).

OP posts:
Baconmaket · 04/01/2019 20:13

Bloody hell her husband is a massive dick and do is she if she encouraged it. Of course they're happy but there was no need to bring it up tonight and certainly not as a big joke. YADNBU.

Shahlalala · 04/01/2019 20:13

It does seem very insensitive and I wou

Dermymc · 04/01/2019 20:13

That sounds awful of them Flowers

People can be so insensitive. Her husband sounds like massive cunt. It sounds like he's the one who has brought all this on, not her. I bet she is mortified. Hopefully she will come and speak to you.

Dragongirl10 · 04/01/2019 20:14

Oh op l feel for you, that is so hard and insensitive of them...

I had a miscarriage and 2 ectopics, and know how it feels...(l now have 2 huge dcs!) When l was going thru it l couldn't bear to see anyone.

Go downstairs and just carry on as though nothing has happened, it is for them to apologise for their carelessness.

You will get there..X

Sierra259 · 04/01/2019 20:14

I don't blame you OP. The situation with your miscarriages and their pregnancy is no-one's fault, but given their awareness of your losses, they should have been a lot more bloody sensitive about breaking the news to you and your DH.

So sorry for you Flowers

Cherries101 · 04/01/2019 20:15

The fact that she smirked when her DH did that, suggests she isn’t worth keeping as a friend. I would also add that a woman who can’t understand how to make a compassionate pregnancy announcement to her grieving friend is also not fit to be a mother — but that’s just my view.

Shahlalala · 04/01/2019 20:15

Accidentally sent.
I would be crying too, it’s really awful. I’m sure she is mortified and clearly didn’t want to tell you this way, as she has mentioned before.
Flowers

EvenLess · 04/01/2019 20:16

You poor thing, that's really shitty behaviour. Up to you if you don't go back downstairs, if you can't face it don't but tbh I don't know why they haven't come and apologised to you Flowers

MakeAHouseAHome · 04/01/2019 20:17

How did you know he was making gestures etc if your back was to him?

I am sorry for your loss but other people shouldn't have tk hide their own wonderful news for fear of upsetting you.

MakeAHouseAHome · 04/01/2019 20:18

@cherries101 'not fit to be a mother' are you high!?

Leeds2 · 04/01/2019 20:19

They sound as bad as each other, and not actually people that I would like to be friends with.
I would stay in your room and they will, hopefully, feel suitably embarrassed and leave as soon as they can. If I were you, they wouldn't be welcome back.
Wishing you all the best for the future.

MissionItsPossible · 04/01/2019 20:19

How long have you known her for? You say she is a close friend but also mention 'in this city' - is she a fairly new friend? I only ask because I would be absolutely mortified and furious with my partner if he said something like that in front of a close friend and I would certainly not smile about it.

I really hope you're okay. Don't go downstairs again if you don't want to and if you need to but they're still there then text your husband and tell him to tell them to leave. (I'd be considering doing that right now - I wouldn't want those heartless people eating my food)

Flowers
Magentaorwagenta · 04/01/2019 20:21

What a pair of absolute dicks.

Try and make it up with them tonight as they obviously do love and care about you and your DH xx

HavelockVetinari · 04/01/2019 20:21

other people shouldn't have tk hide their own wonderful news for fear of upsetting you.

Hmm OP has not implied that she thinks that for one second, wind your neck in.

OP your friend and her DH sound horribly insensitive but they almost certainly didn't mean to upset you - however, your reaction is perfectly justified and I hope it shows them how crass they've been.

juneybean · 04/01/2019 20:21

Oh what a pair of shits. I don't blame you for hiding upstairs I'd be doing the same :(

Celebelly · 04/01/2019 20:22

That's awful, smug, thoughtless behaviour. It's a weird way to behave even if they weren't at the dinner party of someone who had recently lost a baby, tbh. But to behave in that kind of way when they know what you've been through and how upset you are is just horrible. Stay upstairs until they fuck off.

Shazafied · 04/01/2019 20:22

Sorry op what a horrible experience. She should have told you in a sensitive way before the party. YABU . They’ll hopefully go home quietly and early. Don’t worry about what they think Flowers

sonjadog · 04/01/2019 20:23

I bet she is really embarassed by him. He sounds very insensitive at best, a complete arse at worst.

NonaGrey · 04/01/2019 20:24

Regardless of their intent, regardless of where they were actually smirking or whether they just couldn’t contain their excitement, why are they still there?

Why hasn’t your DH quietly asked them to leave?

PrimalLass · 04/01/2019 20:25

I am sorry for your loss but other people shouldn't have tk hide their own wonderful news for fear of upsetting you.

Well that's shitty.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 04/01/2019 20:25

They are awful and insensitive and if you need to avoid the arseholes. I'm so angry in your behalf. It is horrendous and I've been there. BiscuitThanks

MrsWobble3 · 04/01/2019 20:25

I have been in a position similar to Sam's. We went to a dinner party at friends when I was newly pregnant -but not telling people. The starter was shellfish which I don't particularly like but really didn't want then. I told them, and my friend ran upstairs and we didn't see her for the rest of the evening. Her husband then told us they had just found out their ivf hadn't worked. It's really hard to know what to do or say. You are right to be upset about your position but can't stop your friends getting pregnant. Try to cope with it - and I know that's easy to type - but in the long run friends are worth keeping on the whole. I hope you get better luck soon and I wish you all the best.

Snoz · 04/01/2019 20:25

I would say that the husband was not in on the need to be tactful with you so left it awkwardly in your friend's hands to have to tell you.
If you were very private about it all, it's doubtful he was told, so wouldn't have known you were trying etc..
I wouldn't see them as a 'they'. More as a male proud of his swimmers, completely oblivious to your situation and your friend then being put in the awkward position of having to announce her pregnancy (I bet he got a knock on the head from her).
Go back down and just be normal. Tell wooden head that you're happy, but that you've had a few shocks this year or whatever, if you think he'd close his gob and apologise.
Ordinarily OP, a pregnancy is something parents are happy to share. If you make too much of this, they will avoid you for fear of upsetting you. You can't tiptoe around people all the time.

Honeyroar · 04/01/2019 20:25

How long have you been upstairs? Has nobody come up to see if you're ok/apologise?!

Unambitiousme · 04/01/2019 20:25

Jeez, Cherries! So you’ve judged the friend unfit to be a mother based on her being unable to hide her joy about her pregnancy? A tad insensitive, yes, but FGS, that’s a huge over-reaction!