to have abandoned my own dinner party to cry in my bedroom

[Mellowingslowly]

4 weeks ago I had a sudden miscarriage (one of several in the last year). The day before the miscarriage I had a bleed - my close friend (let's call her Sam) came to a scan with me that day - much to my surprise and delight, everything was postive. She shared in my joy and mentioned that she is trying for a baby too - she said that she and her husband had discussed how they would have to be sensitive telling me if they got pregnant, given my history of recurrent miscarriage. I expressed gratitude for this, and explained how hard I have found pregnancy announcements this year, but that hopefully my luck had changed now. The next day I haemorrhaged and lost the baby.

Sam was the only one of my friends in this city that knew about this pregnancy. She knows how heartbroken I was / am. She informed her husband of what had happened (which I'm fine about) and at my instruction, told some of our mutual friends (as I wanted them to know why I was taking some space from them).

Tonight my husband and I had Sam and her husband over for dinner. Just before serving dinner I was talking to Sam about how I am not drinking at the moment because my dad is an alcoholic and I'm concerned about using alcohol to cope with my sadness. Behind my back, Sam's husband (who had had a couple of glasses) made various gestures and remarks I couldn't quiet hear about Sam not drinking too, which made Sam smile and then tell him to be shhh.

I was confused what was going on, so asked them if I had missed a joke. Sam's husband responded that he "had picked up a big spoon" (ie. was just stirring). It was obvious there was a joke between them - when I asked again what they were laughing at, Sam then told me she was pregnant.

I tried to congratulate her, but felt unable to hold back the tears. I didn't want to cry in front of everyone, so I've fled upstairs and left my husband to host the dinner party. Aibu to not go back downstairs?

I don't begrudge them being happy about the pregnancy, but it just somehow felt cruel for them to make a joke of it behind my back and then tell me under these circumstances, just as I was about to sit down to a meal with them.

I now feel trapped upstairs, waiting for them to go. I feel like an angsty teenager, not a grown woman right now - but much as I want to, I just can't stop crying (I've been fine for a couple of weeks until now).

I'm so, so sorry. I'm astonished they could be so insensitive and I hope they are feeling thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

I don't think you need to go downstairs and/or apologise for your reaction. You are hosting them. They were incredibly rude. Take your time to figure out how you feel about the friendship, and more importantly look after yourself first and foremost.

They are a pair of bellends.

Leave them to it tonight and decide how you feel about this 'friendship' tomorrow.

I'm sorry they're so ignorant.

They have made a clumsy mistake. I don’t think they sound purposefully mean.
This is life, though sad and seemingly cruel at times. You need to separate your sadness from their joy.
I think you should just go downstairs, explain why you were sad, and share your sorrow. If they can’t handle that then that’s their problem, but give it a go. Friendships are important.

I'm trying to err on the side of caution here. They're your friends, you know them best. But people often do or say stupid, thoughtless things when they're caught in a bad situation and don't know how to get out of it. Perhaps Sam and her DH made a hash of things trying to not tell you their news and as a result, fucked it up, embarrassed themselves, and caused you pain. Then compounded it by trying to make a joke of it (in very bad taste).

You're entitled to your pain and your tears, absolutely! And they both owe you an apology. But has Sam been a loyal friend up until now? Has she been someone you felt you could rely on? Friends like that are rare these days.

As far as whether or not you should go downstairs, that's up to you. I probably would if I could catch hold of myself. Otherwise, send DH a text to tell them that you need time and space to come to terms with things but will be in touch when you are ready.

I found out I was pregnant with my first the same day my BFF was told she would never have a child. I didn't know this and called her to gush with my news. She stopped me, told me her news, and then said "I'm not going to be able to talk to you for awhile". I didn't hear from her for around 3 months. She called me when she'd dealt with what she needed to deal with and was ready to be happy for me.

The best part is that 4 years later she was able to carry to term and gave birth to a son. It wasn't an easy time for her, but she did it!

I don’t think they are your friends, OP. I would get your husband to ask them to leave, and think whether you really need people like this in your life.

Was she trying to give you a warning of it at the scan 4 weeks ago?

@MissionItsPossible i have been friends with Sam for 7 years. I moved to this city 8 years ago and had also told 2 of my close friends from my hometown about the pregnancy.

@MakeAHouseAHome I could sense movement behind me and saw Sam looking behind me - when I turned around I caught him making gestures.

@mummmy2017 I don't react like this to every pregnancy announcement (there have been many as I am at that stage of life, and usually I just congratulate and move on). However, they have not yet announced the pregnancy to rest of our friendship group (very early stages) and I was upset about them making a joke of it and telling me under these circumstances - particularly his laughing reference to "stirring", as if it is all one big joke. There would have been no need to tell me yet, had I not questioned them unsubtley gesturing and laughing while I was talking to Sam.

Hi op. You are definitely nbu. I feel for you and I know how you feel from personal experience. It was extremely insensitive of them, I hope that someone has come up to check that you are ok.

I won’t go into long details of my experiences, but I have been there, where you are. Crying alone because someone has been utterly insensitive to not only your painful loss, but also your worries about what the future holds for you. I hope that someone is with you at the moment, giving you the hug that you need

Gosh all these people saying to end the friendship just like that.
Op I am truly sorry for your loss. Its a very difficult time for you.
It doesn't sound to me like it was meant to come out like that. You were aware she was trying so you were probably more in tune with their chat.
You aren't being unreasonable to be upset. But I'm sure they weren't being intentionally mean.

'Stirring' ugh he's a DICK. YANBU to hide. If they had any decency friend would leave with him and send huge apologies with your husband.

It sounds like she had asked him not to bring it up, but maybe after a couple of drinks he forgot/let it slip. DOesn't sound like they were being deliberately dicks (though they were obviously hurtful)

Sorry you're going through this. For what it's worth my DS was fourth time lucky.

ps you are allowed to be upset

I think clumsy mistake is a bit too kind, more like they've been really fucking insensitive and dickish telling you like this. I'd be upstairs too.

Why didn't she tell him to keep his gob shut for tonight so she could speak to you privately at a better time?

@cherries101

no, she just doesn't know how to be a good friend...

I was going to ask if he’d had a few? Not because it excuses his behaviour but it may go some way to explain his thoughtlessness and inability to ‘read the room’. This and a combination of a particularly sensitive and difficult time for you, makes for an unfortunate and upsetting combination. ((hugs)) to you.

Yanbu, I'm sorry for your losses, op.

Why hasn't your DH seen them out the door, though?! To sit down and eat together whilst you cry upstairs seems particularly cold.

Both parties have not covered themselves in glory. Husband insensitive after a drink. Sam for not immediately shutting him down given she specifically knows how shit it is for you at the moment.

They have been unthinkingly cruel. Maybe not worth ending a friendship over, but I think you’re not unreasonable to not want to go down & to expect grovelling apologies.

I think Snoz has it pretty wrong there and is being bloody rude about the emotional intelligence of men. My partner was certainly offended by that.

They were definitely insensitive but hopefully they didn’t mean it in a nasty way. I wonder if the husband perhaps just simply didn’t realise the impact it might have on you and let his excitement get away from him. Your miscarriage was 4 weeks ago (and I am categorically NOT saying you should be over it or anything of the sort) but if he has never experienced a partner having a miscarriage its possible he just doesn’t comprehend the emotional impact? I like to think I’m a pretty empathetic person but until I had a miscarriage I didn’t fully and completely understand the loss. They were definitely careless and should apologise though. And you know her best so you’ll know if this is a one time lapse in judgement from her, or if she has a bit of an unkind or insensitive streak anyway.

Thank you all for your comments.
They have gone home now. I didn't go back downstairs as I couldn't compose myself in time. They stayed for food but not much longer. My husband is not good at confrontation, but he did come to check on me after the first course.

Sam's husbands behaviour was definately more insensitive (he was halfway through his second glass of wine, I don't know if that excuses it). But I can't understand why Sam didn't get more cross with him - I would have been livid if my husband had done the same.

I'm not going to end the friendship with her, but I don't understand why he thought gesturing and joking about "stirring" was OK given my grief.

Anyway, thank you for the hand-hold. It was not the happy night / distraction I had hoped for, but onwards and upwards hopefully..

to all of you who have been / are going through grief too.

My guess is this:

They had probably had a discussion before they arrived with her saying that they were not going to say anything for you and him arguing that you woukd guess when she wasn't drinking.

When you brought up the subject of yourself not drinking he started gesticulating in a "See! Now what are you going to say?" way. She ended up smiling out of embarrassment.

I have seen both sides of this sort of thing TBH. After my multiple pregnancy losses I remember so many times people behaving in what I thought was a hugely insensitive fashion and really upsetting me. But I also remember one friend who cut out another friend from her life because she "wasn't sensitive enough" in telling her about a pregnancy. Pregnant friend had been very worried about telling her and walking on eggshells frankly.

I do feel your pain but I suspect there was no intent to upset you and that you may well.lose a valuable friendship here which would be a real shame.

Have you had a text from her?

I wish you nothing but the best for 2019 OP.

Have you been upset in your room for over an hour? Can't believe that they have just carried on the dinner party. Do they know you are upset? Surely any friend would have been up to talk to you about it by now!