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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have abandoned my own dinner party to cry in my bedroom

164 replies

Mellowingslowly · 04/01/2019 20:10

4 weeks ago I had a sudden miscarriage (one of several in the last year). The day before the miscarriage I had a bleed - my close friend (let's call her Sam) came to a scan with me that day - much to my surprise and delight, everything was postive. She shared in my joy and mentioned that she is trying for a baby too - she said that she and her husband had discussed how they would have to be sensitive telling me if they got pregnant, given my history of recurrent miscarriage. I expressed gratitude for this, and explained how hard I have found pregnancy announcements this year, but that hopefully my luck had changed now. The next day I haemorrhaged and lost the baby.

Sam was the only one of my friends in this city that knew about this pregnancy. She knows how heartbroken I was / am. She informed her husband of what had happened (which I'm fine about) and at my instruction, told some of our mutual friends (as I wanted them to know why I was taking some space from them).

Tonight my husband and I had Sam and her husband over for dinner. Just before serving dinner I was talking to Sam about how I am not drinking at the moment because my dad is an alcoholic and I'm concerned about using alcohol to cope with my sadness. Behind my back, Sam's husband (who had had a couple of glasses) made various gestures and remarks I couldn't quiet hear about Sam not drinking too, which made Sam smile and then tell him to be shhh.

I was confused what was going on, so asked them if I had missed a joke. Sam's husband responded that he "had picked up a big spoon" (ie. was just stirring). It was obvious there was a joke between them - when I asked again what they were laughing at, Sam then told me she was pregnant.

I tried to congratulate her, but felt unable to hold back the tears. I didn't want to cry in front of everyone, so I've fled upstairs and left my husband to host the dinner party. Aibu to not go back downstairs?

I don't begrudge them being happy about the pregnancy, but it just somehow felt cruel for them to make a joke of it behind my back and then tell me under these circumstances, just as I was about to sit down to a meal with them.

I now feel trapped upstairs, waiting for them to go. I feel like an angsty teenager, not a grown woman right now - but much as I want to, I just can't stop crying (I've been fine for a couple of weeks until now).

OP posts:

XiCi · 04/01/2019 21:21

Sorry x post!

Hushnownobodycares · 04/01/2019 21:21

Two glasses of wine isn't enough of an excuse for the inexcusable. She'd had none.

I hope there's much - grovelling- in- the- marsh tomorrow. It's the least they can do.

Baconmaket · 04/01/2019 21:22

I don't see how this could possibly be seen as a silly mistake. If he'd blurted it out that would one thing but doing the 'stirring' action and making jokes and laughing about it is ridiculous. It seems pretty clear.

bumblenbean · 04/01/2019 21:24

What the hell? He sounds like a complete idiot. There’s nothing remotely funny about the fact you’ve suffered a loss, what an insensitive arse he is to snigger about the situation and refer to ‘stirring’.

Wishing you luck for the future OP

minisoksmakehardwork · 04/01/2019 21:26

I wonder if your friend is going to read him the riot act once they are home. It sounds like new dad excitement spilling over rather than any genuine malice.

New dad is super excited and while his wife has given him 'the talk' about your loss(es), he doesn't really understand the impact - especially if they haven't experienced miscarriage themselves.

Friend tries and fails to get him to shut up with subtle signs because she knows her pregnancy will upset you and doesn't want to cause a scene. But it's all backfired.

Realistically she could have taken you to one side before tonight or even, if they had found out this morning, taken you to one side as soon as they arrived to let you know. But as yet I think the situation has come about more because your friend didn't want to cause upset but didn't quite know the best thing to do.

((Hugs)). Hope your dh is looking after you.

zzzzz · 04/01/2019 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 04/01/2019 21:26

You had literally just said you were drinking because you're so heartbroken you're scared you'll end up drinking to try and ease the pain. That's an horrendous moment in your life, and a huge confessions if how but wrenchingly sad you are. And their response? To joke and use it as their chance to announce their pregnancy. Like "she's so upset she's scared she might use alcohol to cope... so she can't drink... well I can't drink either, haha, guess what!!!!". That is the thought process if her husband, and then also her because she smiled along with it.

The stirring comment is unforgivable. Like it was a big joke and he was enjoying winding you up and enjoyed trapping you in that moment and forcing the announcement when it would hurt the most.

I hope you bring all of that to their attention when they dare speak to you again.

Andro · 04/01/2019 21:28

But I can't understand why Sam didn't get more cross with him - I would have been livid if my husband had done the same.

In front of you and as guests in your home, that could just be manners - the 'we don't air our dirty laundry in public' mindset. I get the impression she tried to deflect him and couldn't, he's embarrassed her and caused her to hurt you which is a nasty combination.

Most likely, if she's a genuinely good friend, her husband will catch the full weight of her displeasure at home and behind closed doors. I suspect she'll want to give you a little time to compose yourself and then contact you...at least she will if she's a friend worth having.

KatherinaMinola · 04/01/2019 21:30

The stirring comment is unforgivable. Like it was a big joke and he was enjoying winding you up and enjoyed trapping you in that moment and forcing the announcement when it would hurt the most.

I hope you bring all of that to their attention when they dare speak to you again.

Every word of this. What dicks. Hope you are feeling better.

TheDHand · 04/01/2019 21:32

YANBU.

I have been there and it is incredibly hurtful. Unfortunately some people are competitive about getting pregnant and in reality just can’t wait to let you know somehow that they are.

DH and I had unsuccessful IVF in the year that 2 of our friends got married. I had already had one MC and was very upset. We we meant to be seeing the friends over Christmas. They told my DH she was pregnant just before Christmas. The “pretext” was that she had really bad MS and they wouldn’t be able to conceal it. I later found out they had told him when she was about 5 weeks, pretty much as soon as they found out. They made no effort whatsoever to see how things went with her sickness in the week or so before we were due to see them, see if she was having a good day on the day we meeting up, pretend she had food poisoning or anything. They told him because they wanted us to know, whether subconsciously or not.

Not knowing how to tell me ruined my DH’s Christmas and when he finally told me - we were on the way to see them - I was very upset and told him to drive me straight home. As it happened I was pregnant though I didn’t know it. I then had another MC and the husband half of these supposed “friends” texted me and said “Chin up”. That was it. Wanker. I have only seen them once since.

akerman · 04/01/2019 21:36

YANBU.
That is so, so hurtful. Sending love xxx
I'm so sorry.

Alsoajourno · 04/01/2019 21:38

They have been awfully insensitive and should apologise.
But OP, no matter how they told
You you would have felt incredibly upset. Because you’re having a shit time and every pregnancy happening to other people is going to hurt like hell

NitrousOxide · 04/01/2019 21:38

I get the impression she tried to deflect him and couldn't

I got this impression too. Maybe she thought that if she glared at him and hissed at him to be quiet, you’d realise immediately what was going on, so she tried clumsily to deflect it lightheartedly in the hope that the moment would pass and you’d stay oblivious. Unfortunately, you kept asking them what the joke was, so they had to tell you.

That doesn’t mean you’re to blame in any way! Just thinking that maybe Sam was on your side and tried and failed to stop her husband blabbing the secret. Maybe she’s reading him the riot act right now. Hopefully she’ll contact you and apologise.

I’m so sorry for your losses.

TheCraicDealer · 04/01/2019 21:40

Sorry for your loss OP Sometimes I think men don't really get how often pregnancy ends in mc, or the devastation it causes, until it happens to their partner- my DH was very naive. There may have been an expectation that as your latest mc was four weeks ago that you were "over it" and ready to hear their news. Your friend's DP wouldn't be welcome in my home for a very long time, perhaps never.

He might be happy and in a "we're pregnant!" bubble now, but as you say it's early days. Very, very foolish to risk a friendship by behaving in the manner he did. I would be more forgiving towards your friend- unless you have reason to suspect her of being an asshole prior to this she was probably just trying to deal with an incredibly awkward situation caused solely by her DH and his verbal diarrhoea.

Really hope 2019 brings you joy x

Darkautumn · 04/01/2019 21:40

I hope you've had a text or a phone call apologising?

diddl · 04/01/2019 21:42

" she said that she and her husband had discussed how they would have to be sensitive telling me if they got pregnant, given my history of recurrent miscarriage."

It sounds as if she knew or suspected at this point that she might be pregnant.

Hopefully there wasn't a joke as such-maybe just silliness between them about the shared secret?

They could have said that though-that they were just being silly together.

Figgygal · 04/01/2019 21:42

Pricks the pair of them !!

Belenus · 04/01/2019 21:44

He also did this obnoxious thing where he did an impression of Oprah’s “and a car for you... and you... and you” by pointing at each woman at the table in turn and shouting “I’ll put a baby in you... and you... and you”.

Jesus wept. Whatever had happened, or not, to any of the women in the room, that's an unbelievably crass and awful thing to say. I couldn't stand to be around someone who did that.

Anyat212 · 04/01/2019 21:44

OP sending you lots of hugs that is truely awful behaviour from your friends DP. If I was Sam, I too would be so annoyed at my DP for behaving like that, I really hope she was trying to be ‘polite’ and let rip at him when they got home in private. Although I don’t understand why she was smirking knowing exactly what you’ve been through. I wish you all the best for 2019.

💜💜

Grannyannex · 04/01/2019 21:47

There could have been nicer ways to tell you. Of course you’re pleased she’s pregnant

Grannyannex · 04/01/2019 21:48

The smirk was probably awkwardness

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 04/01/2019 21:52

Sam’s husband is an enormous dickhead and YANBU for leaving the room. And even if Sam didn’t quite know what to do in the situation with her stupid pollock of a husband, she should have either come up to you or texted you immediately after leaving.

I am so sorry for your loss.

pineapplebryanbrown · 04/01/2019 21:55

I really don't understand the stirring gesture. Did he mean he was stirring deliberately? It's very strange. If i was Sam i think I'd send a note in a couple of days to explain if there is an explanation.

PhilipSteak · 04/01/2019 21:59

I’m so sorry OP. I think they sound like the kind of people who, when you do give birth and have children around the same age, will be constantly comparing and bragging and somehow trying to make your child/children seem inferior. Probably for being born a bit later.

He is a cock of the first order (so is the Oprah/pointing dick mentioned above). Sam did not put you first in your time of need. She put herself and him first and will continue to do so.

Fair play to you if you can get over this in time, but I don’t think I could.

Also why didn’t she come upstairs to you???

PhilipSteak · 04/01/2019 22:07

I’ve been in your position and I remember thinking that the way I would tell my relative, would be to contrive to be on my own with her, give her as much reassurance as possible that it would happen for her, that I just happened to be lucky in this one instance and would support her as much as possible. I’d also say she could have as much or as little involvement in baby’s life as she wished.

Instead of the utter smugness I was on the receiving end of, which was an incredible U-turn from someone who had needed IVF herself. Along the lines of “oh we knew it would happen sometime we just wanted to speed things up” etc.

It is such a painful time; some people are just incapable of any compassion.

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