to have abandoned my own dinner party to cry in my bedroom

[Mellowingslowly]

4 weeks ago I had a sudden miscarriage (one of several in the last year). The day before the miscarriage I had a bleed - my close friend (let's call her Sam) came to a scan with me that day - much to my surprise and delight, everything was postive. She shared in my joy and mentioned that she is trying for a baby too - she said that she and her husband had discussed how they would have to be sensitive telling me if they got pregnant, given my history of recurrent miscarriage. I expressed gratitude for this, and explained how hard I have found pregnancy announcements this year, but that hopefully my luck had changed now. The next day I haemorrhaged and lost the baby.

Sam was the only one of my friends in this city that knew about this pregnancy. She knows how heartbroken I was / am. She informed her husband of what had happened (which I'm fine about) and at my instruction, told some of our mutual friends (as I wanted them to know why I was taking some space from them).

Tonight my husband and I had Sam and her husband over for dinner. Just before serving dinner I was talking to Sam about how I am not drinking at the moment because my dad is an alcoholic and I'm concerned about using alcohol to cope with my sadness. Behind my back, Sam's husband (who had had a couple of glasses) made various gestures and remarks I couldn't quiet hear about Sam not drinking too, which made Sam smile and then tell him to be shhh.

I was confused what was going on, so asked them if I had missed a joke. Sam's husband responded that he "had picked up a big spoon" (ie. was just stirring). It was obvious there was a joke between them - when I asked again what they were laughing at, Sam then told me she was pregnant.

I tried to congratulate her, but felt unable to hold back the tears. I didn't want to cry in front of everyone, so I've fled upstairs and left my husband to host the dinner party. Aibu to not go back downstairs?

I don't begrudge them being happy about the pregnancy, but it just somehow felt cruel for them to make a joke of it behind my back and then tell me under these circumstances, just as I was about to sit down to a meal with them.

I now feel trapped upstairs, waiting for them to go. I feel like an angsty teenager, not a grown woman right now - but much as I want to, I just can't stop crying (I've been fine for a couple of weeks until now).

Sorry pressed the by mistake

As for people not hiding their wonderful news, there's a difference between sensitively taking someone who has recently suffered a loss to the side and letting them know gently and making stupid gestures and laughing about it. I find the latter behaviour weird on its own - if you want to tell people then do so, but all this faux secrecy and giggling and little comments is at best tedious and at worse just plain rude.

would also add that a woman who can’t understand how to make a compassionate pregnancy announcement to her grieving friend is also not fit to be a mother — but that’s just my view.

Well done. You have won most ridiculous comment of the day.

OP

Has your friend or your DH not been up to check on you? (And friend hopefully apologise on behalf of her DH and both their absolute lack of basic decency!)

she sounds like a shit friend.

If you were very private about it all, it's doubtful he was told, so wouldn't have known you were trying etc..

'Sam' told him, it says so in the OP.

I suspect he was clumsy (and excited by their own news) rather than deliberately nasty, but you've done nothing wrong by leaving. They should absolutely get why you're so upset, and I hope they (he?) comes upstairs to apologise.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP and I can’t imagine why she’d be such a dick when she knows what you’ve just recently been through. They should have cancelled tonight and given you more time. Your husband should ask them to leave, it’s got to suck for him as well, and get into bed with you for a massive bawl and a hug.

I am going to hazard guess that this wasn’t how your friend planned it to come out, esp if she told him to shh. I think you are likely more sensitive given the circumstances. I’ve been in a similar situation with infertility after my first and all my friends having their second babies. I had to ask my husband to come and pick me up early after one announced her preganancy but it wasn’t her fault I couldn’t cope iykwim. She would have had to tell you eventually and if they are telling people she probably also didn’t want you to learn about it from someone else. It’s perfectly fine for you to not go back down. Maybe message your husband and ask him to explain it’s too much and you will chat with them soon.

Sorry to hear that OP I would stay up there and text your dh to send them home and bring you a cup of tea.

Well, it saves you wasting any more time on her as a friend anyway. Was your friend being nasty or just incredibly insensitive - who cares? Whatever comes next - whether that's a successful pregnancy after recurrent miscarriage or more testing and more trying - will be hard, and you need people around you who are 100 percent in your corner, not someone you're going to be wondering about.

If you've had three miscarriages now, you should be able to get recurrent miscarriage testing on the NHS. I did it, although it's nearly 10 years ago, but if you want any details PM me, I'd be very happy to share.

Her husband sounds like an idiot. Hope someone has come to check if you're ok.

That’s a completely different situation MrsWobble3. OPs friend knew exactly what she’d gone through, she was there at the scan where she thought she was losing her baby, the DAY before she then did. She knew. She decided to be an insensitive dick.

The pair of them are dicks. I'd have asked them to leave.

not fit to be a mother

What a shitty and wildly judgmental thing to say.

That said, OP YANBU - that was so insensitive and cruel of your friend, she and her husband have both been vile. I’d be telling them the party is over and to get on their bike.

I am so sorry OP.

In my experience (multiple losses) I've always been so grateful of friends making a point of telling me in advance (even if only an hour before!) by text to give me time to digest it. Not because I'm jealous, it just brings my reality to life again. That way I've found I can have a brief cry and prepare myself.

For you to tell her that this is important to you and for her to acknowledge it, then to do what they did tonight is past insensitive.

Do what you need to do to get through tonight (even if it's to stay upstairs) then see how you feel about the friendship tomorrow

You are upset.
But you need to stop and think, are you going to react like this everytime you see a baby bump... Or hear someone else has conceived...
If they are there go down, your friend told you she was trying, if you had not lost your own baby you would be joyful right now that your babies would be friends..
People here will feed your sorrow, and losing a good friend is too higher price to pay.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been in your position before and something very similar happened to me and I was amazed and hurt by how insensitive some people can be. I would advise you spend some time collecting yourself together then I would try (if you feel you can) and go downstairs for another hour or two and then make your excuses and go to bed early. By the way I know things probably feel completely hopeless at the moment. There were days I didn’t even want to get out of bed. But in all likelyhood you will get your lovely baby and there will be a light at the end of that very long tunnel. Don’t give up hope OP you will get there

So sorry

Only you can tell what sort of tone your friend had when trying to shush her husband. Was it smug? Was it mortified? So I can’t really judge on whether she’s a dick. But her husband is. It’s not a fucking joke.

I’d text your dh and tell them to leave. But that’s me. If she is a true friend she’d understand.

OP isn’t saying people shouldn’t be getting pregnant around her.

There is a compassionate way of telling friends who have suffered pregnancy losses/infertility about your pregnancy.

Giggling about pregnancy and making gestures behind someone’s back who has recently been bereaved is a really shitty way to behave.

OP take time out away from your friend, you need to grieve and heal. It’s absolutely understandable you feel devastated and betrayed by your friends behaviour.

I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. I’ve been there too and it feels relentless.

That's so insensitive of them, how selfish, I'm so sorry OP 💐

Forgot to say but I think you mentioned in your OP that your friend smiled - it could have been a nervous smile because her DP embarrassed her.

OP ah I feel for you. I've been there with m/cs and friends announcing pregnancies soon after (as many of us have) and I'd have reacted exactly the same as you. Your friend's dh really should have known better, idiot. It's very hard, but if she is a true friend she will be feeling awful about this. Did she or your dh come up yet to see if you were okay? I wish I could give you a hug

OP, I’ve been there. It’s very hard.

I was once a week post-miscarriage and went out with a group of friends. Felt I had to go as one friend was just visiting from another country and it was the only time the whole gang could be together.

A friend who knew I’d miscarried (that time and also previously), and her husband (who didn’t know) announced her pregnancy at dinner. The husband took great, drunken, delight in telling us all about his “super sperm” because they conceived the night they started trying. He also did this obnoxious thing where he did an impression of Oprah’s “and a car for you... and you... and you” by pointing at each woman at the table in turn and shouting “I’ll put a baby in you... and you... and you”.
He’s a dick. I was so annoyed that my friend let him behave that way. I know you can’t control a person, but you can kick them in the shin/stuff them in a taxi.

Anyway, I’m sorry you’re upset. I think there’s just such a difference of emotions between you and your friend that she’s not being spiteful, she’s probably just so thrilled, she’s not thinking straight.

That was unbelievably cruel. I would not blame your friend since the act was committed by her husband.

I would text your partner and ask him to end the evening. You shouldn’t feel trapped in your own home and you absolutely shouldn’t have to go back down and see them right now. Then gather up the dinner you were about to eat and turn it into munching on the couch while you watch a favorite movie or something.

In defence of this man, he was probably dying to share his news (which is kind of sweet in a way). Men don't get the female urge to get pregnant, so it is quite possible that he had no clue whatsover that he was being insensitive. Also, even if he was told about OPs difficulties conceiving, it was probably a conversation that went way over his head. Men just don't get these things. So I would go easy on him. He did leave your friend in the impossible position of having to announce her pregnancy, and God bless her, I hope it's a healthy one, but please don't lose friends over this. Go down and tell them that you're so happy for them, but also grieving, that you still love them and you're sorry that you can't react as others might.

You poor thing. It sounds like you’ve been through a terrible time.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say you’re being a little unfair. You couldn’t even hear what your friend’s history was saying properly; it wasn’t a deliberate attempt to shove it in your face. You pushed, more than once, to know what they were talking about. Sam probably felt she had no choice but to tell you. Given you know they've been trying for a baby, she probably thought you’d twig when you saw she wasn’t drinking.

If it’s all too much, I don’t think anyone would blame you for asking them to go home. But I wouldn’t throw away the kind of friend who went to the hospital with you and, until now, has been very sensitive about sharing her plans with you, over this.