to have abandoned my own dinner party to cry in my bedroom

[Mellowingslowly]

4 weeks ago I had a sudden miscarriage (one of several in the last year). The day before the miscarriage I had a bleed - my close friend (let's call her Sam) came to a scan with me that day - much to my surprise and delight, everything was postive. She shared in my joy and mentioned that she is trying for a baby too - she said that she and her husband had discussed how they would have to be sensitive telling me if they got pregnant, given my history of recurrent miscarriage. I expressed gratitude for this, and explained how hard I have found pregnancy announcements this year, but that hopefully my luck had changed now. The next day I haemorrhaged and lost the baby.

Sam was the only one of my friends in this city that knew about this pregnancy. She knows how heartbroken I was / am. She informed her husband of what had happened (which I'm fine about) and at my instruction, told some of our mutual friends (as I wanted them to know why I was taking some space from them).

Tonight my husband and I had Sam and her husband over for dinner. Just before serving dinner I was talking to Sam about how I am not drinking at the moment because my dad is an alcoholic and I'm concerned about using alcohol to cope with my sadness. Behind my back, Sam's husband (who had had a couple of glasses) made various gestures and remarks I couldn't quiet hear about Sam not drinking too, which made Sam smile and then tell him to be shhh.

I was confused what was going on, so asked them if I had missed a joke. Sam's husband responded that he "had picked up a big spoon" (ie. was just stirring). It was obvious there was a joke between them - when I asked again what they were laughing at, Sam then told me she was pregnant.

I tried to congratulate her, but felt unable to hold back the tears. I didn't want to cry in front of everyone, so I've fled upstairs and left my husband to host the dinner party. Aibu to not go back downstairs?

I don't begrudge them being happy about the pregnancy, but it just somehow felt cruel for them to make a joke of it behind my back and then tell me under these circumstances, just as I was about to sit down to a meal with them.

I now feel trapped upstairs, waiting for them to go. I feel like an angsty teenager, not a grown woman right now - but much as I want to, I just can't stop crying (I've been fine for a couple of weeks until now).

She sent you a text. Well, she sounds distraught

What a pair of pricks and yet they still managed to sit there stuffing their faces with your food whilst your DH was the proverbial pudding, FFS why didn't he ask them to leave?! Just awful all round. I'd be very unimpressed if my partner didn't stand up for me, and I certainly wouldn't be seeing them again.

@mellow

Firstly so sorry for your loss! It’s an awful pain to experience 💖

It makes it even more painful when you realise some people dont understand it’s a loss and your experience grief.

I remember being so upset when a family member of mine made a comment to someone else that it was just a group of cells so what had I been so upset?! 🤦‍♀️
Nope wrong it wasn’t!! It was a baby and I had was 16 weeks pregnant at that point but someone are naturally insensitive to a lot of things!

I don’t think anyone couldn’t say it wasn’t very insensitive of her husband and a very bad time to announce it in any way shape or form as you haven literly just had a miscarriage!! Even if they had done it on a more tactful way!!!

As I mentioned I have experienced miscarriages and also years of Ivf before I had my DC and had some very dark and sad moments. So I am very sad to hear how low you feel... it makes me sad to think anyone is going through that pain!! Xx

I have experienced all types of pregnancy announcements from close friends and family to colleagues and different methods of it being annnounced!!

I have had Someone being pregnant and hiding it from me for fear of telling me or how I would react (hurtful) and people taking me aside from the crowd to break the news gently to me one to one while looking closely at face when they broke the news (I also found this hurt, it made me feel like a physio). I also experience just regular old pregnancy announcements when not everyone was looking at me deliberately see my reaction .... but guess what this also hurt! My point is I think no matter how you were told it’s never easy to hear! It’s not that you begrudge anyone a pregnancy or feel angry about their special news... it’s jist hard to take as it reminds you of what you have lost / what you can’t have.

Pregnancy announcement are a strange thing, because it seems to be the only news you ever share with people where they are expect to be just as happy or excited as then parents to be!! Unless your immediate and very involved close family/ friend to said parents to be then really nothing much will change for you .... but everyone has to be excited.... as a society it’s expected.

So when you are going through loss and your own fertility journey it’s a lot of pressure to paint an excited picture of you face!!

It’s a funny old position to be in... to try and explain it to others j always been use to say it’s like loosing your house and having a friend who has just bought a big new house and them telling you this while you packing your things to go and you having to jump for joy for them!

I would say to T to give Sam the benefit of the doubt I think she caught out by her husbands behaviour.

Friends are good to have especially at a time like this.

Like you mentioned I also really struggled with pregnancy but when the baby’s finally arrived I was 100% fine and excited to visit.

I experienced what felt like a million pregnany announcements and I had over 10 years of treatment.... I was for chucking in the towel ans never thought things would come good... but just hang on in there!! Things can easily turnaround! But for the moment please be good to yourself have given your self some time.

Wishing you lots of luck xxx

Sam's husband is an absolute arsehole. I certainly wouldn't be having anything to do with him again. I'm not so sure about Sam either.

And I'm completely disgusted that they stayed on and ate the food/continued the party instead of leaving immediately once it became obvious they'd massively fucked up. Also, why didn't your husband kick them out once it became obvious they'd caused this problem and you were upset?

Sorry for typos ... on mobile and also half a sleep but wanted to post to let you know others understand xx

I was on the fence about her trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. But actually no they’re both dicks.

Who in their right mind stays at a friends house after they’d gone to their room to cry and carry on having a meal as if nothing happened? She sent a text. Wow. She sounds devastated.

I mean he’s an utter prick. But I can’t get over the fact they just carried on with the dinner party without you. And in that I include your dh - did they all forget you were upstairs crying and grieving?

Recurrent mc are just horrendous. Someone upthread said you don’t really realise how bad it was until you’re out the other side. If nothing else I found the endless rollercoaster of hormones just emotionally draining. I didn’t know if I was coming or going. Take care of yourself.

Going by your update this is my interpretation:

He wanted to crow about it.
She said no; as she’d already discussed with him before your scan, she needed to tell you privately and sensitively because of your recent loss.
He begrudgingly agreed but argued that they had a right to share their happy news with their friends and you would be being a bit of a precious princess to expect your good friends to tiptoe round you.
You made the no drinking comment giving your v sober reason (pun intended).
He being a selfish prick was gesturing to her “amusingly” because guys what, she wasn’t drinking too, but for an entirely different reason hee hee —fucking— hee.
You asked what was up.
He said/gestures he was stirring because he WAS - he knew he was dropping her in it and causing trouble between her and her “sensitive flower” of a friend.
She was embarrassed & awkward but also deep down very happy about her news and possibly thought that he did have a point and they she shouldn’t have to hold off sharing her news.

Conclusion: he’s a boorish, selfish prick and she probably does feel resentful that she couldn’t just tell you and had to deal with it “sensitively”; it’s possible she thinks there’s a pattern of you being a bit self-centred in her eyes (I’m not saying that you are, but that she may think you are!)

Whatever she was thinking, I’d think a lot more of her if she’d come straight up and told you she was furious with him and she’s so sorry you found out that way. Because regardless of anything, her DH saying the stirring comment was disgusting, and two glasses of wine really isn’t much.

I don't think the friends husband had malicious intent. He was excited and wanted to share his news. But he's also extremely insensitive and deserves a good ticking off which I hope his partner gave him

As for your friend texting to apologise, it's probably the right thing. When everything is raw the last thing you want is to look at the person who caused ( by association) your pain . At least via text you can respond in your own time .

I'm so sorry for your loss OP and wish you all the best

My DH and I had been trying for almost a year when my little sister got "surprise pregnant" with some one-night stand who was out on parole (long story!).

My friend got pregnant after 4 months of trying. Nothing hard, just having sex.

I was so ANGRY, so upset. Angry that it was easy for all these other people. That I'd tried everything suggested and nothing was working. That they seemed so "smug" (I'm sure they weren't, but it felt that way). That I was "broken".

I understand why you're upset OP and I know you feel foolish but you're not. You were understandably hurt that her DH (and as it appeared, she) was so blase about your feelings. She really should have come up to talk to you. Apologized then and there for him being a dolt.

I'm so sorry OP

I’m sorry your friends husband has upset you so much. I’m not sure if she did the right thing by staying or going, coming up to you or not coming up to you, texting you, not phoning. The whole situation will have been very awkward for her too. Your dh and she will not have known what to do with this blundering oaf.

I hope you manage to heal your heart soon and get to the bottom of why you can conceive but are struggling with miscarriages.

Sykadelic
Almost a year of ttc is nothing tbh. I hope you managed to conceive but it really isn’t the same. I now have a child. But it took a lot lot longer to conceive and a lot of heartache.

It’s insensitive what the husband did but it’s hard to be in your friend’s position when you are pregnant and your friend is struggling to get there. She wasn’t ready to share her news clearly, I’m sure she would have preferred to give you a heads up over text if she felt far enough along to share, but she wasn’t ready to tell and knew it wasn’t the right time. Excitement got the better of the husband clearly.

It’s hard when you are the one who is pregnant and you are close to someone struggling to conceive, I’ve been very lucky to get pregnant twice within a very short time. My sil lost her first baby a couple of days before I gave birth to our first child, it was impossible to hide our joy and felt like we were literally rubbing it in their faces. I was pregnant again 9 months later so decided to tell them over text. They avoided me all pregnancy and then refused to meet their nephew for 5 months, in the end we bumped into them at my parents and they met our son not through choice, but my sister in law refused to come into the room, got pissed off at my brother for holding his nephew and left right away.

I felt bad for them like we were making it harder for them, we tried so hard not to upset them but my sil still couldn’t handle it. I’m sure your friend didn’t mean to hurt you, she’ll be trying hard not to if she’s a good friend, try not to take your frustration out on her.

I can't believe they all just continued to eat. She didn't even come up.

And the prick didn't ask her or your DH to apologise to you on his behalf?

I think you need to be wary of these friends, even if you don't end the friendship.

It’s hard when you are the one who is pregnant and you are close to someone struggling to conceive, I’ve been very lucky to get pregnant twice within a very short time.

Did you really need to post this when OP is already struggling, @Mummysharkdoodoodoo?

Yes it sounds incredibly difficult for you @Mummysharkdodododo

He’s a dick. He put Sam in an awkward situation and you also pushed and pushed for them to explain themselves (not your fault tho) - she had to tell you then

I’m glad you didn’t go back down. I would have cried too. I remember having a miscarriage just as my friends both gave birth. They weeent sensitive at all and it was horrible.

have you been for tests yet for your miscarriages? If not go to gp and start the process.

The spoon comment was very dickish.

Also, surely it's the perfect time of year to have an excuse not to tell you yet? So many people are doing Dry January.

Sam and her DP are insensitive and not the sort of friends I would want. There are appropriate and inappropriate ways of sharing this news.

Your DP has carried on hosting without you? Surely you should be his number one concern right now. He should have asked Sam and DP to leave and support you through your distress.

I feel like a lot of people have missed/are ignoring that this happened as you were talking about your grief - explaining that you were so sad that you didn't want to drink as it could turn into self-medicating. If you'd been chatting about something unrelated what he/they did would have been thoughtless. Doing it while you were talking about your pain isn't thoughtless, it's cruel.

I'm so sorry OP and I hope you're feeling better today (though it's ok if you're not). I've been the recurrent miscarrier having to hear about other people's pregnancies and I've been the pregnant person having to consider how to most sensitively tell someone else who's struggling to conceive. And they're both hard, in the sense that both having your arm cut off and getting a paper cut is hard; that is, there's no comparison, and no excuse not to be kind as the person who has all the luck and joy.

Oh OP I am so sorry. That was utterly, utterly shit.
Sam's husband is a prize prick and totally insensitive. Let's hope it doesn't happen to them.
I am honestly aghast though, that Sam didn't come upstairs to comfort you and to apologise for her prick of a husband and yet sat downstairs having their own little dinner party without you knowing you'd be utterly distraught upstairs! That really does beggars belief!
I can't believe your DH played along with it either.
All of them treated you appallingly!
I am so sorry

As one who's been there - CJsGoldfish is spot on. This explains the husband's behaviour. He's a complete, childish idiot, but he doesn't get it.

It's such a fraught area, and the divide between those going through it and those who are pregnant is so sharp, that often even people who have been through it can get it horrendously, damagingly wrong when they are the ones on the lucky side. Ask me how I know (and I was not the 'pregnant one' in this particular case).

Culturally, mc (particularly recurrent mc) occupies such a strange liminal position between 'one of those things' (of the kind women are expected to get on with) and the full-on grief experience, and it's only a recent shift, it's one we're still negotiating. Tbh the experience of negotiating others' pregnancies is in a way another of the facets of the experience, as is (not comparing here) having others' children growing up around you for bereaved parents, and watching people have close relationships with their parents is for those whose parents aren't around or aren't loving. As social beings there is an extent to which we have to deal with it.

None of this is telling you that you are wrong to feel what you feel (goodness me no - been there 6 times myself), or that the husband wasn't an utter immature idiot. But you are not in (for want of a much better word) a 'normal' place. Don't make any irrevocable decisions about friendships right now. Take care of yourself and let the dust settle.

I think it was a huge mistake to post here.

So many people saying they are terrible people who hurt you deliberately and should be dropped like a stone, when the most likely explanation is that they thoughtlessly put their foot in it.

I hope you can talk about this with your friend, and continue the friendship.

Op im sorry for your loss. I'm shocked they stayed. Allowed your dh to serve them food and prevent him from supporting you and you him. Just sat and chatted did they, while your upstairs. They knew you were terribly upset and why and they continued with their evening eating your food.

Why didn't they apologise and leave. Perhaps your dh Should have asked them to leave? I understand it would have put your dh in an uncomfortable position but given that THEY upset you I think they would have understood. Your friend knew your situation!!

To be fair I actually find the staying a bit easier to understand - I expect they thought you'd come back down (I'm not saying you should have) and they were also probably following your DH's lead - I do think he also let you down here. It's the initial act in the midst of a conversation about your grief that I think is appalling far beyond a thoughtless 'foot in mouth' moment.

Yeah I think your dh should have stood up for you - said that’s really not on. We are very happy for you but honestly to joke about it in the middle of us talking about our loss is completely out of order. Please leave now.

I wouldn’t write off the friendship fwiw I would just see Sam alone and be a bit more distant.

You need to make clear to Sam and her oh it’s the joking and insensitivity of it that upset you not the fact they are pregnant (although I know that’s it too - it wouldn’t be nice to resent them for this alone).

The food was cooked, just up and leaving mid meal would be even more of a production....
I would have eaten, quickly, as you DH if he wanted us to go... And do as he said...
Stop making this a major drama, unless you want to no longer be friends.

"Anyway she has text me to apologise on his behalf "

He's an adult-he should be apologising himself.

He probably doesn't think it necessary though.

What a shame your friend is married to someone who doesn't listen to her & is deliberately nasty.