to have abandoned my own dinner party to cry in my bedroom

[Mellowingslowly]

4 weeks ago I had a sudden miscarriage (one of several in the last year). The day before the miscarriage I had a bleed - my close friend (let's call her Sam) came to a scan with me that day - much to my surprise and delight, everything was postive. She shared in my joy and mentioned that she is trying for a baby too - she said that she and her husband had discussed how they would have to be sensitive telling me if they got pregnant, given my history of recurrent miscarriage. I expressed gratitude for this, and explained how hard I have found pregnancy announcements this year, but that hopefully my luck had changed now. The next day I haemorrhaged and lost the baby.

Sam was the only one of my friends in this city that knew about this pregnancy. She knows how heartbroken I was / am. She informed her husband of what had happened (which I'm fine about) and at my instruction, told some of our mutual friends (as I wanted them to know why I was taking some space from them).

Tonight my husband and I had Sam and her husband over for dinner. Just before serving dinner I was talking to Sam about how I am not drinking at the moment because my dad is an alcoholic and I'm concerned about using alcohol to cope with my sadness. Behind my back, Sam's husband (who had had a couple of glasses) made various gestures and remarks I couldn't quiet hear about Sam not drinking too, which made Sam smile and then tell him to be shhh.

I was confused what was going on, so asked them if I had missed a joke. Sam's husband responded that he "had picked up a big spoon" (ie. was just stirring). It was obvious there was a joke between them - when I asked again what they were laughing at, Sam then told me she was pregnant.

I tried to congratulate her, but felt unable to hold back the tears. I didn't want to cry in front of everyone, so I've fled upstairs and left my husband to host the dinner party. Aibu to not go back downstairs?

I don't begrudge them being happy about the pregnancy, but it just somehow felt cruel for them to make a joke of it behind my back and then tell me under these circumstances, just as I was about to sit down to a meal with them.

I now feel trapped upstairs, waiting for them to go. I feel like an angsty teenager, not a grown woman right now - but much as I want to, I just can't stop crying (I've been fine for a couple of weeks until now).

I am so sorry. he is incredibly thoughtless. I also would have expected her to come up stairs and check on you. Or at least text by now.

I hope 2019 is kind to you

I've been there OP, it hurts like nothing else in the world.

But... Sams DH left her in a pretty shit position. She didn't bring it up, he did (after a few drinks as well?)
He's excited about their news and has clumsily let it come tumbling out - I honestly don't think it's anything vicious, but they're your friends and you know them best.
As much as it was a dick move, they're allowed to be excited by her pregnancy.
Like a PP said, men don't tend to understand that instinctive nature when trying to fall pregnant. They don't understand the heartache, the period maths, the anxiety when a scan is due, the gut-punch when it's not good news, the constant on edge feeling around bleeding/cramping.
All men tend to feel is 'We're going to have a baby!'
Sam couldn't really deny the news once he started being an arse - she was damned if she did, damned if she didn't.

I think you should go downstairs (if they're still there) and just explain your upset, let them (mainly Sams DH!) apologise for being insensitive and then move on with the night.

My guess is this:
*
They had probably had a discussion before they arrived with her saying that they were not going to say anything for you and him arguing that you woukd guess when she wasn't drinking.

When you brought up the subject of yourself not drinking he started gesticulating in a "See! Now what are you going to say?" way. She ended up smiling out of embarrassment.*

^ this was my thought too.

I'm so sorry OP It sounds like overall she's been a good friend to you; so if you can stomach it, it might be worth hearing her out on this one.

I really don't think Sam was being a dick here. She can't control her husbands mouth.
Once he made the first insinuation, she could hardly deny it - I imagine she'll have a word now they've left - her hissing at him would've made the environment worse.

I am not excusing them at all OP. It was a very insensitive way to act and there are no excuses for their shitty behaviour but when I was suffering recurrent miscarriages, my radar for pregnant friends / colleagues was hypervigilant... did you not suspect when Sam wasn't drinking? Her DH was on his second glass so surely she had been offered (and refused?) alcohol already?

I'm not saying everyone would notice, just basing it on my experience. I was so intuitive to other people's pregnancies during that dark time.... I wonder if it was some sort of coping mechanism?

Hopefully Sam is at home now, agonising over how to make this up to you.

OP- I hate to say it but it sounds like Sam was probably quite conflicted about telling you and no doubt her DP was very excited (if quite insensitive) and pushed her to say something!
If they’re announcing now I’m guessing they’re at the 12 week stage, which means they’ve been waiting to say something.

In Sams situation I would have felt - no time or situation would be right to tell you as it would alwats cause pain!

Her DP aside it sounds that Sam has been a good and supportive friend to you and when you say she ‘smirked’ I imagine that more as a ‘excited and happy’ thing you’ve misinterpreted as Sam doesn’t sound like a shitty person in anything else you have said!

Sam shared in your concern/misery and was supportive - now you’re refusing to share in her joy and are hiding upstairs 🤔

You’re not wrong to feel the way that you do but other peoples lives will go on around you I’m afraid

I'm so sorry OPIt sounds like overall she's been a good friend to you; so if you can stomach it, it might be worth hearing her out on this one.

I agree.
He was a twat. But...you cannot expect others to stop their life. It does not work like that.

He clearly did not read the room.
However are all your friends meant to walk on eggshells?
If you are too upset to deal with life then take a step back. Dont have dinner party's

They are not friends.

Christ alive. I'd have been furious at my husband if he'd done that. I guess she could have been nervous laughing but how insensitive of her. She should have made an opportunity to tell you quietly in a 1-1 situation with no one else around. Did she really think that wasn't going to come out at dinner party. How totally insensitive of them both.

@MrDarcyWillBeMine she is only 6 weeks pregnant, I don't understand why I needed to be told yet, and certainly not in such a jokey, 'stirring' manner. I'm sure the time will come for me to share in her joy - I just can't do it yet (specifically when it comes to pregnancies, somehow I'm ok with newborns).
I didn't say Sam smirked (that was another poster), I said she smiled (when he said he was stirring). My upset is mainly with him. And my own pain. I accept other people's lives will go on, but the recurrent miscarriages are ongoing for me and I don't think a little sensitivity is too much to expect of good friends, same as I would extend to them.

Anyway she has text me to apologise on his behalf and to explain she had asked him to let her tell me privately. So clearly it was him being insensitive and her feeling awkward.

I am prepared for a flaming here but I don’t know, OP. It was 4 weeks ago! Sam showed you compassion and empathy at your loss but obv her DH Is excited at the news. I’m really sorry but it can’t be all about you and your reaction all the time.

@Mellow

Given that she is only 6 weeks I retract my earlier opinion. It could have waited another couple of weeks given your pain

I would hate to think i would put a negative experience on anyone else's pregnancy.
Their pregnancy is not my burden.
It is not my window to make them feel bad in any way.
I cannot dictate how anyone else choses to enjoy or announce their pregnancy.

I think that Sam had wanted to telly on privately and he wanted to tell all and sundry, and they had a argument before hand which is why he commented that he was ‘stirring’ things up.
He’s a prick, I’d not give him the time of day, he’s not be welcome in my house again.

I'm sorry op, going through a MC myself so I know how fragile you are. They were both very insensitive and him almost cruel to have done that.

Did your friend come up to check on you? I dont know how they sat and ate knowing they had upset you and you were upstairs. Especially as she came to the scan with you. That's not a good friend op.

Take some time. Be kind to yourself 💐

He's an insensitive asshole, who is sure to be wonderfully supportive of your friend throughout the pains and exhaustion of her pregnancy.

He should fucking apologise for himself.

Sounds like a nob, he does. I hope you have better luck this year x. There's lots of women who have experienced many losses and had the baby they hoped for. Here's hoping it is your turn soon.

Recurrent miscarriages FUCKS YOU UP. It really does. It's only when you come out the other side that your realise just how emotionally destructive it is.
Other people do not and cannot know what you are going through. Not really. They cannot understand why and how you've taken this the way you have. Everyone talks about how 'insensitive' these people have been but, considering that up to now they have been good and supportive friends, you are perhaps not in the right space to read the situation correctly. Not your fault. I've been there and I DID lose friends because I wasn't functioning properly.
I don't know the answer because I know that you cannot help the way you feel. I also know, in hindsight, that people who have no experience do not KNOW how deep that pain is and how things can be interpreted.
People who announced their pregnancies to and around me when I was in my darkest days were not trying to hurt me. They were not competitive or any of the other ridiculous accusations on this thread. MY reaction and perception were the ones screwed up. Others were just acting in a way I probably did my very first pregnancy before I knew. That 6 weeks when the joy and happiness was the only thing I associated with pregnancy. The happiest 6 weeks of my life at that time.
I am truly sorry you are going through this OP. I also understand your reaction.

You don't think the idiot husband could have thought you were pregnant again and that's why you weren't drinking?

It is interesting that the “announcers” like your friend are in no way guaranteed to not go through the same thing that you have. Hopefully their friends will be there for them if they do.

I’m glad she’s apologised but I can’t for one moment imagine staying for dinner under those circumstances! Either she should have come upstairs and apologised straight away, sat with you and sorted things out, or they should have politely made their excuses and left. Not sat and eaten dinner with you distraught upstairs.

Really awful OP. Some people, for whom having babies is so straight forward, just don't get it. I remember locking myself in a toilet at work and sobbing because a colleague, whose child was born when mine should have been, just wouldn't stop going on about sleep deprivation etc etc. I held my face in a smile for as long as I could manage then had to go. Just awful. 

Bungalowbeth 🔥 let me help you with that flaming. Four weeks is nothing in the grieving process - which is what op is doing. Op I am so sorry, there have been times when that kind of announcement would have absolutely floored me in the way it did you. Was so grateful for my friends who looked out for me and were sensitive at that time. Even if Sam hasn’t done anything that awful she hasn’t been a great friend either.

Fucking hell im so sorry for your troubles. Her husband is a MASSIVE bellend. And he is in no way representative of “men”! My husband would rather have died than be so crass and hurtful!
And she apologised on his behalf? How good of her. His ass had better be at a florist tomorrow. A v v v expensive one. And even then you’d be justified in sending them back. What a totally arsehole.

Sam's husband was incredibly insensitive, if Sam had told him about your situation. Even if he didn't know, he shouldn't try to announce a pregnancy without his wife's consent - esp so early on. It's maybe not Sam's fault and I hope she's in touch with you, but if not I wouldn't blame you for not speaking to her first.