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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask people to pay for their own meal

239 replies

Whereisthecoffee · 03/01/2019 20:26

I’m getting married later this year simple register office ceremony no fuss as we are saving for a deposit and are quite low income. Our family would like to celebrate with us after but we don’t really want to take out a loan. Would I be unreasonable to have an optional relaxed meal afterwards that is pay your own ? Small gathering at a local restaurant and we would be giving out edible favours and I’m looking into buying all who attend a drink?
Please be gentle with me wedding planning is frazzling my head. I’m also looking into halls I can hire to do afternoon tea if all else fails.

Thank you

OP posts:
EllenJanesthickerknickers · 03/01/2019 23:05

I’m glad you’ve found something affordable. I hope you have a lovely day. Flowers Wine

EgremontRusset · 03/01/2019 23:05

I think the buffet at the pub sounds great. As a guest I would expect to be fed something but doesn’t have to be a full meal depending on time of day, and I would be thrilled with a nice homemade buffet instead of a catered meal. It would feel personal and lovely! Would also be 100% happy with a sandwich picnic in the park/a friend’s garden, or just ice cream and strawberries and maybe a cuppa Grin

clairedelalune · 03/01/2019 23:10

Just to clarify we Methodists are allowed to drinkGrin! Some choose not to thoughGrin I have seen my minister with a glass or two... we're not allowed it on premises, though that might be location specific.
OP very pleased to see you have found a venue allowing catering ☺

Original poster
Whereisthecoffee · 03/01/2019 23:10

Thank you Flowers No I haven’t been put off by the comment I appreciate the perspectives I’m very introverted the party is more for dp and his family. He says he’s happy with what I’d choose but I know he’d like one.
Congratulations to everyone that’s told me about their wedding or upcoming wedding also !

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 03/01/2019 23:14

wedding doesn't have to cost loads, mine cost peanuts really in the end and we all had the greatest time

Well since the catering and feeding your guests is generally the biggest expense of a wedding if you made all your guests pay for themselves it's pretty obvious why it only cost you peanuts!

anniehm · 03/01/2019 23:15

How about a church hall - usually it's about £100-200 depending on size and they will let you bring in food and drink (we even have a wine merchant who delivers sale or return wine to us and lends glasses!) They do vary but we can fit 100 people including a top table and everything is included in the price eg tables and use of cooking facilities.

delboysskinandblister · 03/01/2019 23:17

@whereisthecoffee

Kate Winslet had her Reception at her local pub and they all sat down to sausage and mash. I quite like that idea. Why not do something like that? Pub grub is nice, reasonable, relaxed atmosphere and everyone just pays for themselves. As you previously said, if you were having a bar in a hired hall then people would be buying their own drinks anyway.

Just a thought i could really murder sausage and mash now Grin

OyOy · 03/01/2019 23:18

the party is more for dp and his family. He says he’s happy with what I’d choose but I know he’d like one.

Well it's his job to organise it then isn't it?!

Anyway, glad you've got it sorted - I'm sure the day will be wonderful whatever the plans.

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 03/01/2019 23:21

@oyoy

Yup - great way to start a marriage - ‘this is your problem not mine’ 😂

FFS

TheBaltictriangle · 03/01/2019 23:22

I've been to a late afternoon wedding around 4/5pm so they only had one reception afterwards. They didn't have separate day & evening guests. Everyone were invited to attend the wedding ceremony and the reception and dancing afterwards.

It was lovely, the cake came from M&S and decorated with flowers. The bride bought her dress for £150 from the Needle & Thread sale. No fancy cars so what they saved on transport, the couple put towards a photographer. You decide what your priorities are and spend accordingly. People won't really be bothered about wedding favours but will remember if they've not been catered for appropriately.

TheBigBangRocks · 03/01/2019 23:24

If you can't afford to feed guests then don't invite them. Go get married alone.

If you want them there then you need to host which means saving longer, doing cheaply or cutting the guest list considerably.

Coldtoes28 · 03/01/2019 23:24

I had a tiny wedding as I jqv anxiety and it's what I wanted. Said to me absolute closest friends that I love them and I'd like them to be there but if they didnt want to come I'd understand as it won't be a traditional wedding, just v small registry office and then perhaps we could go for some food or drinks later if they fancy, we can decide if we all fancy it and where to go on the night. They're my closest friends so understood and had no problem with it. We had the tiny wedding then went to a bar we like in town for some drinks and food and everyone paid for themselves.

Some people would have expected to be paid for an a big deal but I wouldn't have invited anyone more high maintenance or who didn't understand mine and DHs personality and financial situation. I don't see why some MN posters seem to think you have to choose between a) having noone to celebrate or b) paying the full price. If you aren't having the traditional wedding set up and are celebrating with your closest friends or family and you explain to them about your money and make sure it's known it's totally optional then they should be fine about it! Anyone who isn't is welcome not to attend Smile

I had the lovliest, most relaxed day and wouldn't have it and other way!

MNMH · 03/01/2019 23:25

subspace No worries! 😉

MarilynSlumroe · 03/01/2019 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FiveNightsAtMummys · 03/01/2019 23:30

I'd go! Just make it clear they pay for themselves maybe inc a menu for the restaurant or a web link to it.

Newyearwhoohoo · 03/01/2019 23:30

Just to clarify we Methodists are allowed to drink!
Some choose not to though
I have seen my minister with a glass or two... we're not allowed it on premises, though that might be location specific.

*Not true in my experience flashes back to when as a child I was taken to pick up my quite straight laced mum from a retirement party in a methodist hall. The person throwing it had provided bottles if wine on the tables, and as most of the guests on her table were methodist she and one other were the only ones drinking and they were decidedly squiffy; the one and only time I've ever known her to be
*
Yep I know Methodists can drink if they choose to. I do - lots! Grin

Methodist Church of Great Britain rules state that alcohol is not allowed to be consumed or sold anywhere on church premises including halls. Only de-alcoholised wine is used in communion. It's mentioned in our hall rental leaflet. We don't get many adult parties booking us! I am in no doubt that some renters sneakily serve it though!

Sorry op, slightly moved away from the topic here! Good luck finding somewhere.

delboysskinandblister · 03/01/2019 23:36

OP if they are real friends and real family and you are really honest about this then they will pay for their own meal. Just make it clear beforehand.

If you were my friend I would definitely understand your reasons for doing this and pay no problem and I don't have any money at the moment but I think you are very wise to be cutting your cloth. You are not asking anyone to pay for your frock or Barbadian honeymoon you are just being very pragmatic.

Now can we please just get to the pub and order the bangers and mash already!

Yulebealrite · 03/01/2019 23:42

I know a lot of rooms that can be hired out in our area- purely because the kids went to lots of them for birthday parties when they were young and we used some ourselves. I wouldn't have known quite a few of them existed if it wasn't for the children. Many could be hired late at night too. Talk to work colleagues and neighbours who have children. They might be able to point you in the right direction and "recommend" nice ones. Some of the rooms you might have to pay a token "hire fee" or "cleaning fee" but they are often reasonable.

Good luck.

BigChocFrenzy · 03/01/2019 23:45

OP I'd be fine with that 🙂
I'd hate anyone to take out a loan to feed me

forget the party favours, choose a place where each person goes to the bar and orders their own meal,
ask them to do this INSTEAD of a present

Few MNers can get their heads around people genuinely not having the money for even a cheap meal

For those who haven't RTFT, the OP is on UC, does NOT have a house deposit and would have to take out a loan to pay for any meal.

It would be crazy to start married life in debt for a blood meal !

BigChocFrenzy · 03/01/2019 23:47

She has nothing to cut down on, no fancy location, or horse-driven carriage
no 1000 quid dress

MarilynSlumroe · 03/01/2019 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BackforGood · 03/01/2019 23:51

@Newyearwhoohoo - you are out of date. Look up CPD. It is up to the Church Council of each individual Church if they allow alcohol (or raffles) on the premises. A lot still don't, but all can.

Whereisthecoffee - I find it pretty amazing you can't find a hall in a big City that won't let you do your own catering. I've just now been looking round a few halls / checking prices / comparing facilities and no-one has said you can't do your own buffet. I had one who said if it was your own catering they needed to see a hygiene certificate from whoever was responsible and every other hall said it was absolutely fine.
As your parents have said they would do that for you, and your partner feels it is only right to have some kind of party, then that seems the obvious way forward without you getting in to debt.

I can't articulate why, but it doesn't seem right to ask people to come along to a meal for a wedding and pay own way even though I do that all the time for birthdays.

DPotter · 03/01/2019 23:51

I take bookings for our village hall and we're on a website called 'Hallshire' -www.hallshire.com/. Lists halls all over the country.

The listings will give information on things like kitchen facilities, size of hall etc. We don't have a licence for selling alcohol, but people can bring their own. Oh and we don't charge extra for tables and chairs like some wedding venues.
If you do use someone like a disco / hog roast DO NOT mention the word 'Wedding' or even engagement- they will double the standard price.

Mummymummums · 03/01/2019 23:55

I think YABU and should think of something you can afford, even if you provide a buffet in a hall with a few close family members helping.
If you really must have people buying their own food then tell them it's instead of getting you a present. I don't think you can expect a gift as well as people paying for their meals.

subspace · 03/01/2019 23:59

@Mummymummums

If you RTFT you will see that OP doesn't want wedding gifts Wink