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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he needs to stay with me

300 replies

crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 07:08

Expect to get a lot of comments like “If you’re so unwell why are you typing” but I am lying here in bed on my side with a cold flannel and a temp that was 41 but is now 39.7 after taking panadol. I just desperately need advice - we have a 6m old who has also had a fever (but is on the mend). I can’t really stand. My family are all down with the flu so can’t help. DH works very long hours and is the breadwinner but has returned to work yesterday and none of the big bosses are in the office as still off on holiday, and his day yesterday was very relaxed (went to the gym, did personal errands and calls, left at 6pm which is early for him).

He is saying he can’t stay home to look after me and DS. Usually I would say fair enough but given how unwell I am and his casual working environment this week, AIBU? I am worried about taking care of DS like this (and I know single mothers manage but they don’t have a choice IYSWIM)

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 03/01/2019 14:31

Gosh, the gaslighters here are unbelievable. Long-distance diagnoses and all.

OP, I can only say that the only time I've actually wished a fatal accident on someone was when my ex took off on holiday knowing that I was sick with a sick three-month-old baby. And I certainly was able to type at the time, but that doesn't take away from the hell of it all.

I'm sorry that you are in such a situation

TinselandToblerones · 03/01/2019 14:31

My husband cancelled his last work trip abroad as one of our children had chicken pox and he had to help look after the other (with a baby it was just too hard to cope being up all night and looking after eldest in the day). As it turned out, she made a miraculous recover the morning he was due to travel so he went anyway....so no, unless someone is already long haul when you become ill, you don't just 'need to manage'

This sounds a bit OTT, think I’d be a bit embarrassed if I needed help with that, excluding any major health concerns on my part.

Quartz2208 · 03/01/2019 14:34

So what are you going to do OP

he hasnt gone into work that ill - he is downplaying how you felt and justifying it to himself.

You know now what his priorities are and how he sees himself and you

Mitzimaybe · 03/01/2019 14:36

OP I'm glad you're feeling better but it's not OK of him just to abandon you this morning. If it was the most important meeting of his life that he has been preparing for months and will make or break his future career then that might be forgiveable but an internal meeting about not very much and a light workload - yep, he should have taken the day off. You are right to be angry about it.

Grace212 · 03/01/2019 14:37

OP you had an operation under general anaesthetic and he didn't take a day off?!

Newyearnewme2019 · 03/01/2019 14:37

@crispysausagerolls remind you DH of some of his vows - in sickness and in health

And quietly tell him that this attitued has disappointed you you felt like you were left to just get on with it. And that sucks! You might aswel be a single parent if he can't support you when you ask.

Then go for a lie down and leave him with baby

joanmcc · 03/01/2019 14:39

"might as well be a single parent"

With a magic money tree?

ThatsNotNiceRoger · 03/01/2019 14:41

Your DH is an arsehole. And if you do show him this thread, ‘D’H you’re a fucking selfish arsehole. Get off your fucking ‘I work I’m so important’ pedalstool and support your sick family you twat.

NoSquirrels · 03/01/2019 14:41

DH is not even remotely sorry. He said he made a judgemental call based on what he thought was right, not on how I felt, and he has had to go to work feeling that unwell before

It's one thing going to work feeling unwell.

It's quite another if your work is to keep another ill person alive whilst you also feel unwell.

He can do what he likes on his own behalf.

But he risked the wellbeing of your DC. Your baby.

Even if he couldn't put YOU first, he damn well should have put your baby first.

Instead he put some team meetings above all of you.

I hope your mum reads him the riot act.

If you cannot stand to rock your baby, you are unsafe to be in charge of that baby.

Being a SAHP means you can save the person at work A LOT of unwanted work interruptions and shitwork that comes with being a parent in FT employment. But you cannot avoid being ill sometimes, and when you are, you need his support.

I'd tell him on the back of it I was considering going back to work myself, whereupon all the childcare needs and interruptions would be shared 50-50, regardless of who earned most.

Arsehole.

crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 14:49

OP you had an operation under general anaesthetic and he didn't take a day off?!

Yes, the operation was scheduled for a week after we booked it (we hadn’t been sure of when it would happen) and he thought he wouldn’t get the time off. Actually, he didn’t even ask. His mother ended up picking me up from
The hospital as mine was away.

thatsnotniceroger

Ha! Thank you, made me laugh!

nosquirrells

I completely agree with everything you’ve said

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 14:51

I am
Now mostly angry because he is trying to tell me he knew better than me
How I felt, and he made a judgement call based on how HE thought i felt, rather than what I told him. It’s extremely insulting and patronising.

OP posts:
giantnannyknickers · 03/01/2019 14:55

Fuck that! He's refusing point blank to help? That's why parental leave is for. Can't wait until he gets man flu and then he will know all about it.

Can you call your mother or his mother to come help?

NoSquirrels · 03/01/2019 14:59

I am SO OVER men who think they "cannot possibly" even ASK for time off.

You are right to be raging, OP.

He can make a judgement call on whether he is too ill to go to work or can struggle on.

In which case you can ALSO make the same judgement call. NOT HIM.

ThatsNotNiceRoger · 03/01/2019 15:03

Does he actually give a shit about you at all??

crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 15:09

My fucking god his meetings have been over for over an hour and he is saying he can come home whenever...then fucking come home!!!

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 15:11

I am just so angry he isn’t even sorry or thinks maybe he cocked up, or understanding why I am
Annoyed. And he feels vindicated of course because I am better so it’s fine he left me.

OP posts:
Cheby · 03/01/2019 15:13

He’s an even bigger prick than I initially thought if he does go to work when he’s as ill as you OP, ie with a 40 degree fever. What an irresponsible arsehole.

NoSquirrels · 03/01/2019 15:15

But you're not better, are you?

You need to go to bed to rest, because you're keeping it together on rage-filled adrenaline and the weight of responsibility, and the kindness of your mother.

So he's not vindicated.

As soon as he walks in you are off to bed and staying there.

Augusta2012 · 03/01/2019 15:16

A word of caution here from the personal experience of a colleague:

If he starts dropping work, especially on certain days like first back after Xmas because you have a bit of a cold you will find that you will start to wear out his employers goodwill very, very fast. And in situations like that real emergencies have a habit of happening and you will have no supply of goodwill to rely on.

Ellie56 · 03/01/2019 15:18

When the selfish wanker finally deigns to come home, give him baby and tell him you're going back to bed.and go!

I hope he is not expecting you to do anything for him like cook dinner...

EKGEMS · 03/01/2019 15:22

TheredJelltBean I've been on my phone after surgery,radiation treatments with an infected burn and gorked out of my mind on three prescription pain killers!
For the healthcare worker who said she's only seen patients with flu too sick to be texting-I've been an RN 20 years and I've seen patients with influenza induced sepsis on their mobile phones! (I've only worked in critical care and cardiac telemetry and stroke units!)
OP I've followed your posts and your husband is without empathy or compassion for you. I think the statement you should've made to him to keep him home was an ultimatum-"Leave me today and I'll leave you permanently when I'm well again."
My husband nursed me through an emergency c-section where I crashed and burned and was on life support for days recovering from two surgeries and pancreatitis. I've been in/out of the hospital a few times after that and had breast cancer in 2017-that's how someone who loves you is supposed to behave.

crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 15:22

You need to go to bed to rest, because you're keeping it together on rage-filled adrenaline and the weight of responsibility, and the kindness of your mother.

I love this!

augusta

I don’t consider a 41 degree fever to be “a bit of a cold” though. And in 4 years of working for the company, the only time he’s had off has been paternity, holiday allowance and my induction (which was holiday allowance) so I hardly think what you’re saying is relevant.

OP posts:
giftsonthebrain · 03/01/2019 15:25

Sounds like you better get the flu shot in years to come. Might decrease the chances of this happening again.

ShesAnEasyLlama · 03/01/2019 15:35

Only if its flu @giftsonthebrain. And only if it's a strain thats covered (not all of them are).

Case in point: im a healthcare worker. I have my flu shot every year through work, as soon as it becines available. Ive still been ill for 8 weeks with this winter virus, leading to pneumonia.

(Also, for the doubters, I'm in bed typing this from my phone, but guess I'm not really ill because I'm on the internets!)

Jubba · 03/01/2019 15:42

We had this. I was in hospital. With pre eclampsia. About to give birth prematurely. My do and mil were at home. Looking after my sick dd. My do and mil were both incredibly poorly. My do was actually rushed to hospital. Later that week (he doesn’t even get colds. So I knew he was sick!). Put the tele on. Do anything you can. To make it easier for yourself

And hire an ad hoc nanny!!