To think he needs to stay with me

[crispysausagerolls]

Expect to get a lot of comments like “If you’re so unwell why are you typing” but I am lying here in bed on my side with a cold flannel and a temp that was 41 but is now 39.7 after taking panadol. I just desperately need advice - we have a 6m old who has also had a fever (but is on the mend). I can’t really stand. My family are all down with the flu so can’t help. DH works very long hours and is the breadwinner but has returned to work yesterday and none of the big bosses are in the office as still off on holiday, and his day yesterday was very relaxed (went to the gym, did personal errands and calls, left at 6pm which is early for him).

He is saying he can’t stay home to look after me and DS. Usually I would say fair enough but given how unwell I am and his casual working environment this week, AIBU? I am worried about taking care of DS like this (and I know single mothers manage but they don’t have a choice IYSWIM)

Your baby could be in danger op - you could be delirious or passed out and a 6 month old baby is not able to look after them self

The OP is feeling better and has her mum there now.

You have been well enough to get on your phone and post on munsnet
You have felt up to asking for bread to make toast.
I can see that your dh would think that though it will be a bit miserable you can cope for the day.

Of course he should take a day off. This would piss me off so much. It already annoys me that when I am ill..its basically 'get over it' when when he gets the exact same thing hes dying!

@GreatDuckCookery she knows that - HE on the other hand does not. He left a 6 month old with someone who had a 41 degree temp - either of those things was just as likely to happen as the fact that she is feeling better and he did not bother.

It still could - she could be at the moment have the fever dropped due to the panadol rather than feeling better and could feel worse at any minute.

For him at the moment its like Schrodinger cat he doesnt know its alright and he doesnt care about his wife or child to check

You have felt up to asking for bread to make toast

I’m BF. I didn’t particularly want to eat at the time but was aware I would need to and toast seemed like a very easy option. But thank you for the input.

I've had flu, then pneumonia and now I have a head cold. Yesterday i had a temp of 39, didn't want to move but had a hospital appointment for a scan. Was on the verge of cancelling when the meds kicked in and suddenly I managed to shower, dress, get a lift to and from my appointment and get what I needed done. Then I collapsed in bed again and still haven't left it barring toilet and tea! I've had a transplant so the most basic virus makes me really ill. So i hate people like your DH @crispysausagerolls because they make me ill like this by refusing to take sick days and going in ill!

All the doubters, meds can cause miraculous improvement on a temporary basis, thats what they're there for!

OP, my ex did this to me, he even tried to get me to pick DS up from nursery when i had swine flu and he was at home. He was so passive aggressive when i didnt go (I fell asleep) and the nursery rang because we were late. He tried to say to them i was just being lazy, but they had asked me to stay away when he forced me to do the morning drop off (he didn't believe me) and the nursery manager told him off over the phone! Of course,that was my fault too. He often left me to do everything myself, so in the end I said "fuck it" and left him.

The worst time was 5 years after we split. I was admitted to hospital because my transplant rejected. I asked him if, to minimise disruption to DS (then 8) he could stay in my house with him whilst i was in hospital (and I had to go miles away to a big hospital which was too far for visitors), and look after DS (who has SN), make sure he went to school and was ok generally. Ex refused, no real reason, just didnt want to. Thankfully my pensioner parents stepped up and did it all.

Shortly afterwards, ex fucked off for good and left the country. We've not seen him since. I was angry at him, DS has never forgiven him.

The amount of times ex emotionally abandoned me in our relationship meant i felt no real loss when i left him and then subsequently he left for good. It may sound dramatic to some to go straight to divorce, but you will be attuned to thus now. You will notice every time he refuses to support you and it will build and breed resentment. Hope you're able to look after yourself today. Unfortunately you're now stuck between a rock and a hard place because if you tell him your DM came over he'll see it as ok because you had help after all, and if you don't tell him he'll think youve coped fine and his behaviour was fine. Either way he'll feel vindicated in his actions.

@joanmcc it that the world now? No normal arguments but straight to abuse and gaslighting! Bloody hell ive heard it all now.

I'm sorry you and your little son are feeling so awful, you will get through this, but I do sympathise.
He needs to recognise Genuine Flu is no laughing matter. and while adults can cope, young children need careful watching with temperatures. Yr OH needs to be instructed in keeping a very close eye on your son when he gets home.
He seems to be treating it as a bad cold. With young children this is an issue which may come up again and when this episode is over you need to sit down calmly and explain this to him that when you say you really need help, you mean it.
One response may be that he is worried about job security and/or has a shit boss. But most bosses will accept it if the person involved is very sincere and firm about the fact that it is an emergency and they are going to do it and If he is confident that he can make up the time (most people can if they try) then the boss should be too.

I'd ask your OH to discuss this with his boss as a form of forward planning so that both you and he (and the boss) know where you stand in future. He should calmly tell his boss that he won't take unreasonable time off at awkward moments as a rule, but when an emergency comes along, he will ask for the time and will make it up and see what view the boss takes. I suspect the boss will just agree. But having had this conversation your OH can be more confident about telling the boss this is the emergency I was talking about.

At the same time, when you are better - look into the cost of an emergency carer as some have suggested - so that he knows how much he will have to pay if he does this again - when you have two sick children for example. But also, so that you won't feel so unprepared if it ever happens again. Because the key hwere I think is that you don't want to go through this again in the future when you are feeling so bad in the first place and he needs to understand that. Also get on your GP's flu shot list for next Autumn.

Ultimately, he seems to think he only has a job at work and not an additional job as parent and OH and this is something you need to talk to him about.
I hope you feel better soon.

For him at the moment its like Schrodinger cat he doesnt know its alright and he doesnt care about his wife or child to check

Yes!!! Thank you!!!

Honestly I am finding all of this understanding so so supportive, thank you all.

ShesAnEasyLlama

You are so brave and strong - sounds like you have been through a lot and are a very tough cookie!! And much better off without your bastard ex, can’t believe he tried to make you pick up DC with swine flu!

duckbilled

You are completely right; I will find out about emergency care and get someone in place for this happening again, as I obviously cannot rely on DH. What gets me is he is a hugely valued and appreciated member of his team and I’m sure no one would’ve minded him taking at least the morning or afternoon off.

Your not just a sahm your his partner! Simple. And when he expects partner things from you say nope to busy doing my sahm job,
This is so shocking OP, I've been hit with two rounds of d&v this month and dp finished a night shift and stayed up all day taking care of the kids. The next he had to inform work he has child care issues as I was sick. I'll be out of action for 24 hours and then I'll start back up again but in them 24 I'm absolutely useless.

I'm sure someone's already said this, but when he's home, draw up a budget for how much it would cost to employ someone to cover you for emergency parental leave and sick leave. Find out how many days a year he has in his contract then pick the same amount. Then work out how that cost gets covered. If he can't be bothered to use his parental leave, then he'll have to pay for someone else to do it!

I'm being goady, obviously, but that's what parental leave is for and he should be using it.

My (male) partner was the STAMP in our relationship - I had no problem taking time off when he was super ill with bacterial tonsillitis. I took a week while he was mainly in bed. That's how it works!

How are you feeling OP? The day is half way through, make sure as soon as H comes in then he takes over and let's you rest.

I wouldn't be having any more children with this man until I was sure whether I really wanted to stay with him and actually I would not feel like having sex with a man like this. I'm not sure I could forgive or forget now you know how little he cares about you and his child. Do you really want this for the rest of your life? I thought the point about living with a partner was that you would be there for each other and for your children, otherwise you might just as well be on your own (or find a partner who would have your back). Hope you and your baby feel better soon, and thank goodness you have your Mum.

You have been well enough to get on your phone and post on munsnet
You have felt up to asking for bread to make toast.
I can see that your dh would think that though it will be a bit miserable you can cope for the day

But my question to you @theredjellybean - why should she have to cope? Her DH by his own admission said it's just meetings and no actual work, so why can't he juggle them about, maybe cancel on or two or just move them all back to back and get back home early to his WIFE AND CHILD - why can't he "cope for the day"

Why can't he see that she could do without coping today? Isn't he, as her husband and father of their child, help ease the load?

For God's sake. My late friend used to instant message me when he was having chemo. I've posted on here with pneumonia. If she said I've just been out and run a 5k I'd think but how much effort does it take to tap your thumb on a mobile? When I had pneumonia I felt so low and dreadful I needed to 'talk' to people. I couldn't have had a phone conversation and could barely get up to pee. I hope you feel better soon OP. Your husband is a twunt.

My husband did this to me a few weeks ago when our DS was only 3 months old

I had a 40C fever first thing in the morning and was so dizzy and weak I couldn't function, let alone look after the baby. He's self employed so although he'd lose money there was nothing to stop him staying at home to look after the baby

He refused and I had to get my Mum to have him as I was in no fit state. I was livid with him and embarrassed to ask my Mum because I felt he should have stepped up

Thankfully it only lasted a day so obviously a virus rather than flu but I was really pissed off, especially because he's so dramatic and whiny when he's ill

OP.. I said I could see why you dh might have felt you could get on with it... Didn't say I necessarily agreed.
Real flu is awful but tbh when I or I have seen patients with flu they certainly would not have been able to read and reply to an Internet forum.
My dd spent two weeks unable to stay awake in Oct with flu, and she literally could not have held her phone let alone interact

Christmasisforadults2

Your husband sounds like an absolute winner!!!

Feeling a bit worse actually 😞 so excellent having my mother here; I really appreciate it. She is not impressed with DH at all - my father apparently used to pull the same stunt except worse, leaving her crawling on the floor with d&v and 4 children under 6 to go to the pub.

Next time DH asks me to make him a coffee or fetch this or that for him, make him dinner etc or bake him a cake I will tell him to fuck off. And I will do calculations re child care and other costs to show him me being a SAHM isn’t some sort of jolly that he doesn’t benefit from. Tbh might have him sleep on the sofa tonight as I am so angry that he has not checked in on me/us. The way I felt this morning I really could’ve been on the floor.

polkadotpixie

Have you forgiven him? Did he apologise?!
Sounds like you had what I have now! Did it change the way your mother saw him?

@crispysausagerolls just ignore the nit pickers.
He should have taken some carer's leave, that is what it is there for.
Being a good father and a caring spouse are essential criteria. Being so "important" (sorry a selfish twat) that you can't take a day of carer's leave when they are ill isn't even desirable. He has failed you and your baby today. If he had come home and you'd collapsed and something had happened to the baby he wouldn't give a damn about his job then would he?

I had a nasty d&v bug a few weeks ago. When I wasn’t being sick I was just lying on the sofa feeling rotten. I don’t really like TV for under 2s but my 18 month old watched CBeebies all day that day!

My husband went in an hour late to work to take our older kids to school. At that time I’d only been sick once and felt a bit better immediately afterwards so I hoped I’d be well enough to pick them up. I wasn’t, so he finished early and picked them up en route. He didn’t quibble, he just accepted that I needed him. I wouldn’t think very much of him if he’d refused to help when I asked.

Also, although I really wasn’t well I could have managed to post on MN if I’d wanted to.

Furthermore he who'd be completely ashamed of himself that he hasn't bothered to even check up in you. Both.

I would not tolerate that

@GreatDuckCookery she knows that - HE on the other hand does not. He left a 6 month old with someone who had a 41 degree temp - either of those things was just as likely to happen as the fact that she is feeling better and he did not bother.

Well seeing as the OP has been on MN all morning maybe he didn't think she was that ill?

He should be not would be. Obviously impervious to that