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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he needs to stay with me

300 replies

crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 07:08

Expect to get a lot of comments like “If you’re so unwell why are you typing” but I am lying here in bed on my side with a cold flannel and a temp that was 41 but is now 39.7 after taking panadol. I just desperately need advice - we have a 6m old who has also had a fever (but is on the mend). I can’t really stand. My family are all down with the flu so can’t help. DH works very long hours and is the breadwinner but has returned to work yesterday and none of the big bosses are in the office as still off on holiday, and his day yesterday was very relaxed (went to the gym, did personal errands and calls, left at 6pm which is early for him).

He is saying he can’t stay home to look after me and DS. Usually I would say fair enough but given how unwell I am and his casual working environment this week, AIBU? I am worried about taking care of DS like this (and I know single mothers manage but they don’t have a choice IYSWIM)

OP posts:
Grace212 · 03/01/2019 08:17

he is not a wonderful husband

any chance of playing the "here, hold this for a sec" card while he is distracted, then handing him the baby?

RadioGagga · 03/01/2019 08:19

You poor thing that is not on. It's different if you are just feeling a bit run down but you are clearly poorly. Yes it's annoying to cancel meetings short notice but he needs to do it.

sm40 · 03/01/2019 08:19

Poor you! I'm a sahm and my dh has always stepped up when I've been too ill to cope. It's been about 3 times and even if he had an important meeting he would literally go in for that. Other times I've called in my friends nanny (her day off) to help.
He can work from home really easily though, but when I've been really ill he has just told work he wasn't working at all
That day!
He would take a day off/not be expected to work with flu. Why are you different? Although I imagine he won't get the point until he's had it himself!

Singlenotsingle · 03/01/2019 08:20

Tell him if he won't stay you'll phone and arrange for an agency nurse to come and look after you and the baby. It'll only cost him a couple of hundred pounds!

IlonaRN · 03/01/2019 08:20

This is what "TODI" days are for!
Time off for domestic incidents

sm40 · 03/01/2019 08:21

On a practical point if he does go, try sitters. They do last minute bAbysitting!

MissB83 · 03/01/2019 08:23

I'm a single mum. When I had tonsillitis and a fever of 40 my mum came to help!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 03/01/2019 08:24

This is horrible OP. You are allowed a sick day from a job, any job, if you are unwell, and right now your job is being a stay at home parent. If you can't physically look after him it is dangerous him not being there. Can you tell him you feel faint and feel your baby is in danger? I don't know how you can make hin stay home but I think his behaviour is literally unforvivable

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 08:26

I am livid. LIVID. I tried to really force the issue (I can’t even hold DS he is 9kg and have had to give him to dh now to change his nappy). I said why can’t he go to work get work laptop come back? He said he doesn’t even have fucking work to do!!!! He doesn’t have fucking work it’s just internal meetings about the year. Then he said I just need to get on and deal with it. I don’t even know what to say.

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 03/01/2019 08:27

I'd be telling him after this you see he doesn't see your role as equal , so you will be looking into going back to work ft so he treats you like a human again and if you're ill you can stay in bed or take holiday like a normal person. But that will mean he does half the drop offs pick ups and days off caring for your son when he is sick.

TinselandToblerones · 03/01/2019 08:27

Yes he’s being really unkind but on a practical note there are emergency childcare agencies. My DH’s work actually cover 7 days of emergency childcare a year and we’ve used it occasionally when neither of us has been able to stay home with the children.

If he can’t stay in today tell him to get you an emergency nanny

kaytee87 · 03/01/2019 08:27

Jesus, he's an arsehole.
Do you have access to joint money? If so, book a nanny to help today.
Then start thinking about whether you want to remain with someone who doesn't care about you or your child.

Mouikey · 03/01/2019 08:28

He is an arse.

Given the statement above, if he is intent on leaving (maybe tell him not to come back!?!?) and no one can help then I would suggest setting up a bed guard if you have one on the opposite side of the bed to you and let baby play with toys and snooze on the bed with you. If you have a tv in your room out CBeebies on quietly to also occupy baby (you may have a differing view on screen time but needs must).

There was a time in our house where the two of us were really ill with flu and also had around a six month old - we did the above (but I was breastfeeding so it maybe slightly different), just to get through the day. Felt like the worst parents in the world but our lo didn’t know and we all survived.

Beware of saying that the SAHM isn’t a job though, because he will use it against you at a later date. Throw it back at him - yes it is a job and I need a sick day so what are you going to do.

I’d re-evaluate the relationship when better too.

Feel better soon

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 03/01/2019 08:28

Ahhhh I know this doesn't actually help but I'm so angry on your behalf. He is showing he doesn't give a shit about you or your son. No decent employer is going to bat an eyelid if someone takes the odd day off to look after their sick wife and child

DistanceCall · 03/01/2019 08:29

To me, this would be grounds for divorce. Your partner is a selfish dickwad. Being a SAHM is your job so you should deal with it however ill you are?

Fuck that.

emzw12 · 03/01/2019 08:31

See how he "deals with it" when he next had "man flu"! What a twat!

BackBoiler · 03/01/2019 08:32

Just wait until he catches it. Dont even get him a glass of water! What an awful selfish man!

MammonRouge · 03/01/2019 08:32

Yanbu, he is totally out of order.

Hiphopopotamous · 03/01/2019 08:33

If you can't rely on your husband to help you when you're ill I see a massive red flag.
What a twat.
Hope you feel better soon OP

JustDanceAddict · 03/01/2019 08:33

Poor you :-)
He is actually allowed one parental leave day per year statutorily I think. I work for the mingiest employer and that’s what we get. I’m sure he could take a day as holiday if not.
He obviously would rather be in work than with his sick wife and child, which is not on.

GreenFieldsofFrance · 03/01/2019 08:33

My dh has been inclined this way before but after a good row he has back tracked. Not ideal at all but it's worrying that even after you've basically told your dh he must stay home he isn't. Personally I would text him at about 3ish and tell him you've worsened (even if you haven't) and he should let his colleagues know he won't be in tomorrow. When he comes in give him the baby, go to bed, don't get up in the morning. That will focus his mind on exactly what it was you were supposed to be dealing with in your state, and you'll get a days rest.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 03/01/2019 08:34

If you have a local Facebook page for parents I'd put a plea out on that for an emergency babysitter or similar that can come to your house. There will be someone that can help. I know it's not ideal but if they are professional they will be able to calm your son and you will feel better knowing he is being looked after in your home.

I hope your husband doesn't have any employees working for him with that attitude to illness

Singlenotsingle · 03/01/2019 08:35

There was another thread on here recently where the OP was so ill she ended up in hospital. (Her DH had invited his family over to stay for 3 days and she'd been expected to host).

QuizzlyBear · 03/01/2019 08:35

Furious on your behalf, OP! Your DH is a selfish, inconsiderate twat.

Personally I'd be licking his toothbrush, water glass etc and see how much help he gets when he comes down with it! I'm sure he'll just 'get on with it', right?

Toomuchworking · 03/01/2019 08:35

My DH did this exact thing to me when DS was 2 months old and toddler was 2, plus I work from home. He flat out refused to stay when he really could have. We had an awful period in general when the baby was small , but this is the one thing I just cannot totally forgive. It just really feels like he's not there when you really need him. He thinks when you're better you'll 'get over it's, but it's actually much deeper than just the actual having to look after the baby, he's saying that he can, but won't, help you and that hurts.