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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he needs to stay with me

300 replies

crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 07:08

Expect to get a lot of comments like “If you’re so unwell why are you typing” but I am lying here in bed on my side with a cold flannel and a temp that was 41 but is now 39.7 after taking panadol. I just desperately need advice - we have a 6m old who has also had a fever (but is on the mend). I can’t really stand. My family are all down with the flu so can’t help. DH works very long hours and is the breadwinner but has returned to work yesterday and none of the big bosses are in the office as still off on holiday, and his day yesterday was very relaxed (went to the gym, did personal errands and calls, left at 6pm which is early for him).

He is saying he can’t stay home to look after me and DS. Usually I would say fair enough but given how unwell I am and his casual working environment this week, AIBU? I am worried about taking care of DS like this (and I know single mothers manage but they don’t have a choice IYSWIM)

OP posts:

LannieDuck · 03/01/2019 18:37

Wow, YANBU.

There's a big difference between feeling a bit under the weather and being so ill you can't go into work. Having not been that ill for years, he may not appreciate the difference. But if he was that ill, he'd take the day off and spend it in bed. That's what you were doing this morning (if you view SAHM as equivalent to a job).

He's just as much a parent as you. You were incapacitated, so childcare was his responsibility today.

I'm not sure where I'd go from here in your position, but it would fundamentally alter how I felt about him. It's a complete lack of respect for you as an equal and as a person.

(The 'good' news is that, with all the childhood bugs your LO will pick up, DH will probably catch one and feel that ill at some point over the next couple of years....)

TinselandToblerones · 03/01/2019 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/01/2019 18:50

Maybe he knew your mum would come round? Why didn't you ask her to begin with? I know you said your family were all ill with the flu but obviously you didn't mean your mum.

Newyearnewme2019 · 03/01/2019 19:02

Why should she have to ask her mum? She asked her husband, the child's father ffs

EKGEMS · 03/01/2019 19:02

GreatDuckCookery The OP posted her mother was ill but was feeling better why should she have to ask her when her DH has a responsibility to her and his son?

Passing4Human · 03/01/2019 19:17

To me this comes down to respect, which is what is so troubling about the way the OP's husband has behaved. If you love and respect your partner and they tell you that they are ill and worried about being unable to care for your baby, you take them at their word. You don't try and argue them out of it or tell them that you know better than they do. You trust that your partner knows their own mind and body and you respect that.

There was a thread on here the other day where the OP's husband was trying to argue her out of going to ER when she had an accident on holiday. It's the same issue to me - a lack of respect for you knowing your own mind and also a lack of concern and care for your wellbeing (and for that of your child in this case).

emzw12 · 03/01/2019 19:30

Is the twat home from work yet? I hope you've given him HELL!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 03/01/2019 19:30

Not sure why yet again an OP is getting such a hard time.

If she wasn't actually ill, if she'd felt like she could manage, if her husband really had a job where he couldn't possibly take a day off....I'm sure she wouldn't have bothered posting.

I don't know why people don't give the OP the benefit of the doubt and try and gibe an opinion on the AIBU question instead of trying to pick holes in their story and try and catch them out somehow

Xuli · 03/01/2019 19:33

I'm so sorry OP. The sudden lack of respect must be hard to take in.

This has to be something of a wake up call. Think long term. A man who will do this when he could have been putting his baby at risk (if you got worse with no one around) - if you go back to work, will he change his hours to help with nursery? Will he take days off when DC are poorly so neither of you takes the full hit? Will he take days off during the school holidays to look after DC alone? Or if you stay at home, will he respect that you need some alone time too during the week?

Given his comments today I'd be seriously worried that he will see it all as your job.

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 19:41

GreatDuckCookery

What on earth is your problem? You are just nitpicking my whole thread. I did ask my mother at 6am via text but, as she had been in bed the previous day with flu, I expected her to be too unwell and had to assume she would not be coming. I then did not hear from her for a few hours so had no idea she would be able to come. And, as others have said, it’s not actually her responsibility to parent with me, it’s my husband’s.

To everyone else who has been so supportive and lovely: thank you so much. I have felt very emboldened by your responses and felt an overwhelming sense of why I love MN. I have had a long and serious chat with DH, who admits he thought I was overreacting, but upon reflection knows I wouldn’t have asked him to stay home unless I really needed it, so he should have taken me at my word and stayed when asked. And that of course as a SAHM I must be allowed to have sick days when needed! And that he does in fact agree with a lot of your points (I read him a few of the choicest ones) and that because he makes the money it doesn’t negate him from also being a father.

Anyway, he also knows that just because he is making the right noises after the fact; I will only ever be able to trust him on this matter when I need him to stay home and he actually does it! And hopefully that won’t be for some time.

OP posts:

CheshireChat · 03/01/2019 19:54

DP is fairly rubbish with this, but was still very when he was sick recently and he had no sympathy whatsoever and pretty told him I don't want to hear about it.

When he complained, I pointed out that for fairness sake I should leave him in sole care of DS as well.

There's been a dramatic change and he kept offering help when I wasn't well before Christmas, despite me telling him I'm not too bad!

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 20:00

When he complained, I pointed out that for fairness sake I should leave him in sole care of DS as well.

I like your style

OP posts:

FangTasticBeast · 03/01/2019 20:13

Hi Crispy

In the beginning , well after dc it started as putting work first then moved on to going for a drink with work colleagues after work to going for a drink or doing whatever he wanted whenever regardless of us .

Youngest ds has ASD and didn’t sleep and it eventually got to the point that even when he was at home he did nothing to help me.

But it was always the total disregard for my feelings which became more and more apparent as the years went on

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 20:23

Youngest ds has ASD and didn’t sleep and it eventually got to the point that even when he was at home he did nothing to help me

Sounds exhausting. Sorry that things turned out that way - definitely better to be alone than feeling alone and disrespected with a shitty partner. Hugs.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 03/01/2019 21:14

I have had a long and serious chat with DH, who admits he thought I was overreacting, but upon reflection knows I wouldn’t have asked him to stay home unless I really needed it, so he should have taken me at my word and stayed when asked. And that of course as a SAHM I must be allowed to have sick days when needed! And that he does in fact agree with a lot of your points

Good to hear. It's a good sign that he is willing to admit he didn't think it through properly. I hope he takes it on board for the future.

Fwiw, I have worked in a lot of places where if a man takes time off to parent in a circumstance like this, or leaves early, or whatever, it does his career absolutely no harm at all, in fact rather the opposite as it tends to get the respect of everyone as they can see that he's fair and conscientious in all aspects of his life. Certainly it gets more respect that a woman doing the same thing, where you are more often viewed as a liability because it is 'expected'. Doing his bit when necessary it makes it easier for everyone if men would also step up and say caring is their responsibility.

You need to trust each other to be a proper parenting partnership, especially if one of you is staying home full-time. So I really hope he does reflect on it all now you've had the wake-up call.

granadagirl · 03/01/2019 22:27

you Need to give him a wake up call op, he is so self centred it’s beyond belief.
I’d give him what for and not let up till he gets the message. You & ds have to be his 1st priority, lots and lots of couples have to ring in for days off under emergency situations. He needs to understand this
In sickness and in health!

Do not give into him on this, he will walk all over you the next time you need his support for whatever reason he should be there.

70sbaubles · 03/01/2019 22:29

Thoose temperatures indicate sepsis. Anything over 39 is dangerous. Please seek advice

GabsAlot · 03/01/2019 23:36

still soubnd slike a twat all well and good saying sorry now isnt it

yu asked him more than once to stay at home he ignored you-and then didnt phone u all day theres no escuse

autumnnightsaredrawingin · 03/01/2019 23:43

My DH has form for this sadly. It’s totally shit. Hope you feel better soon OP.

RadioGagga · 04/01/2019 08:53

How are you today OP?

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 04/01/2019 15:37

radio

Feeling much, much better thank you! Very bizarre - must have been some sort of short virus?! Either way I’m better and DS on the mend too x thanks again for all the support

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 04/01/2019 15:45

I don't know why people don't give the OP the benefit of the doubt and try and gibe an opinion on the AIBU question instead of trying to pick holes in their story and try and catch them out somehow

Because these posters have a lot in common with the OP's husband. They are somewhat lacking in empathy

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 04/01/2019 16:01

It’s been extremely interesting to see the balance between partners (seems to be mostly exes!) who act like my DH, and those partners who are genuinely supportive and helpful in these scenarios

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 04/01/2019 17:14

Yeap. Another ex story, but not mine.

A friend of mine had a very delicate second pregnancy. At one point she was ordered complete rest. her darling husband only hired domestic help (and they were not short of money) the day she went into hospital to be delivered of a much too premature baby.

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 04/01/2019 18:06

coyoacan

Oh my goodness - was the baby ok?! Was the husband apologetic and did your friend stay with him? What an absolute shit!!!!

OP posts:

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