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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he needs to stay with me

300 replies

crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 07:08

Expect to get a lot of comments like “If you’re so unwell why are you typing” but I am lying here in bed on my side with a cold flannel and a temp that was 41 but is now 39.7 after taking panadol. I just desperately need advice - we have a 6m old who has also had a fever (but is on the mend). I can’t really stand. My family are all down with the flu so can’t help. DH works very long hours and is the breadwinner but has returned to work yesterday and none of the big bosses are in the office as still off on holiday, and his day yesterday was very relaxed (went to the gym, did personal errands and calls, left at 6pm which is early for him).

He is saying he can’t stay home to look after me and DS. Usually I would say fair enough but given how unwell I am and his casual working environment this week, AIBU? I am worried about taking care of DS like this (and I know single mothers manage but they don’t have a choice IYSWIM)

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 03/01/2019 17:22

I told
Him
About the thread and he said he doesn’t care what anyone else says/thinks

Yep, and that includes you.

68Anon · 03/01/2019 17:22

Would be interesting to hear the husband's side of this drama. There are always two sides to every story and the truth is somewhere in the middle.

ginyogarepeat · 03/01/2019 17:22

I've had my first ever flu this week (and managed to post on Mumsnet once the meds had kicked in and I was between constant sleeps, so fuck off those that like to stir) and DH has worked a bit from home over the last few days to allow me to rest and to bring me drinks refills and more meds.

I find it incredibly selfish and also a little chilling that someone can lack any empathy for the person they love. This will be your life every time you're sick or god forbid, ever need surgery etc OP, unless it gets addressed now. Partners work together and look after each other. His behaviour has been despicable.

Glad you're feeling better now x

NoSquirrels · 03/01/2019 17:22

I am not a SAHP, I work PT. But if it was 'my' day to look after the DC and therefore on childcare duties, and I was too ill, and my DH had important meetings that could not be rescheduled, and no one else was around to help out, he would have:

a) made sure he went in late, having called ahead to advise the situation, and used the time to make up food, set me up on the couch with everything I needed close by, and a phone charger

b) called and texted to check in on us

c) come home as soon as humanly possible

d) felt bad he couldn't have been at home all day to help out and made sure I felt appreciated for soldiering on.

Bear in mind, my DH is no prince of men when it comes to the fair share of domestic and wife-work duties, and we're often imbalanced still. But he would NEVER leave the DC in an unsafe situation, and he would ABSOLUTELY take my word for how ill I was. Without question.

So, your DH is a twat.

If I felt like being more generous, I would say he is perhaps a little immature still at 28 and genuinely believes he is only valued because he shows up regardless. But he needs to look around himself and see what sort of man he admires - is it the ones whose wives do everything to facilitate them come what may, at whatever cost to their children and families, or is it the ones who have the courage of their own convictions and principles and who can stand up for their rights as a parent as well as a wage-earner and career man?

NoSquirrels · 03/01/2019 17:26

he said he doesn’t care what anyone else says/thinks

Well, there you have it.

He's right and Fuck You.

Is he always this arrogant and self-centred?

Or will he calm down later and reflect at all?

Makes a big difference...

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/01/2019 17:27

I've had my first ever flu this week (and managed to post on Mumsnet once the meds had kicked in and I was between constant sleeps, so fuck off those that like to stir)

Bully for you Hmm

NitrousOxide · 03/01/2019 17:31

he’s never heard of someone staying home because their wife has a fever

Yeah, right. Either he’s conveniently ‘forgetting’, or he’s so self-absorbed he doesn’t notice what other people do. Besides, it doesn’t matter whether he’s heard of it or not!

He gets worse with every post, ffs. If he gets this virus as badly as you have OP, please leave the house and leave him to it. I’d suggest leaving the baby for him to look after, but obvs that’s not fair on the baby. Maybe just pretend that’s what you’re going to do, to panic him so he has an idea of how it feels.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 17:33

nosquirrels

I really love your most recent post - and I do think there is a lot of truth in your last paragraph. Ultimately, DH is a good man, but he probably is immature in this way and needs to learn what his priorities really are/should be. I also think he worries needlessly as he is a very well respected member of his team and clearly so hardworking that no one would have minded if he had taken a few hours or even the day off and explained the situation. Or handled it differently, as you say your husband would have.

XiCi

My mother likes DH very much, but was upset on my behalf and felt let down for me, as I felt let down and disappointed by his lack of care. She was not surprised on one hand as she knows how he values his work, but was surprised on the other as she could
Not picture him
Being so stubborn and uncaring.

OP posts:
Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 17:36

*Is he always this arrogant and self-centred?

Or will he calm down later and reflect at all?

Makes a big difference...*

It’s tricky because I do see DH as such a wonderful man in general, and doting and loving BUT his entire attitude today has thrown me and I am asking the above myself. He is now saying he is sorry but only really in a “I did what I wanted to do and now I am saying sorry because I’ve had a slap on my wrist”. He is someone who does what he likes even knowing it will annoy or upset, and is willing to face consequences afterwards, rather than not doing it at all knowing it will annoy/upset.

OP posts:
Jengnr · 03/01/2019 17:41

He doesn’t give a shit about this thread. Course he doesn’t. He also doesn’t give a shit about you or his child.

People don’t take time off because their wives have fevers, no. And if you didn’t have a baby you would have gone to bed and slept.

People take time off work because there is nobody to care for their children. He didn’t. He left a 6 month old. He’s a cunt.

I’d go back to work sharpish if I were you. You’ll probably need to support yourself and the baby because this twat has proved that not only can he not be relied on he also doesn’t give a shit about either of you.

PattiStanger · 03/01/2019 17:44

There is no point in shaping him the thread, he's exactly like my exP, he genuinely doesn't care at all what anyone else thinks and is certain he's right regardless.

I do believe he isn't aware of anyone else taking time off, I can't specifically think of an occasion that I can remember a co-worker doing this. The difference is that I'm not self absorbed enough to assume that because I havent come across something it doesn't happen.

Tbh I'm not sure he is wonderful or he wouldn't be behaving as he is. It's actually a shame that you get better as he'll never believe you need help in the future.

Horses4 · 03/01/2019 17:48

I’m sorry he is treating you this way. I had an operation under GA to remove an ovarian cyst when I was 13 weeks’ pregnant with my youngest. ‘D’H didn’t take the day off work. I also gave birth to her on my own as he is too lacking in gumption to organise care for our older daughter. Needless to say he is no longer my husband. Such a total lack of care for you and the safety of your child is unacceptable.

EKGEMS · 03/01/2019 17:49

So he's childishly making hollow threats about quitting his job, he's immature and reckless regardless of consequences or consequences be damned? He needs to fuck off

ThatsNotNiceRoger · 03/01/2019 17:51

What an arrogant twat.

You don’t respect his job? Does he respect yours at all?

Quartz2208 · 03/01/2019 17:55

THe thing is at the moment he istn a man - he is a child who goes about doing what he does because he wants to. He has an awful lot of growing up to do to be an adult

This isnt about you being ill and needing to look after his wife - this is about being a parent and needing to look after his son. That is what he isnt getting

OP if there is a nappy that needs changing when you are ill who will do it

IndieTara · 03/01/2019 17:55

This is just one of the reasons my XH is an ex
I slipped a disc picking up DD out of her cot when she was 5 moths old. I made it downstairs with her but then could not move at all other than by shuffling backwards whilst sitting on the floor.
He went to work and wouldn't come home early despite being on minimum wage of 5.50 per hour.
I spent the next 3 weeks in bed not being able to walk before being admitted to hospital for an operation. He wouldn't take any time off work and finally my mum who lives abroad had to come back to the UK to look after me and DD.

ButteryParsnips · 03/01/2019 17:56

I do see DH as such a wonderful man in general, and doting and loving

Doesn't sound like it. He sounds more like someone who will play nice when it suits him, whereas the definition of 'doting and loving' is doing those things when it isn't to your own advantage.

Collidascope · 03/01/2019 18:11

This is enraging. You both have jobs. He can choose to take sick leave if he wants to, but today you had a 41 degree fever and he basically denied you the right to take the day off your work to recuperate. How bloody dare he think that he's the one who gets to decide whether you're ill enough to stay off work or not. What a condescending, selfish wankstain he is.

My dad was like this with my mum. Refused to take the day off work when she was having my sister, and refused to take the day off to bring them both home from hospital. His disregard for her extended way beyond that and I bet if you look, you'll find your husband's lack of regard for you does too. I'm glad you're feeling better anyway.

ThatsNotNiceRoger · 03/01/2019 18:19

Thing is if he did take a day off sick he would go to bed and wouldn’t have a baby to look after as well. You don’t have that option because firstly he doesn’t care and secondly he doesn’t give that to you. I wonder if he sees it as he doesn’t get to be sick so you don’t get to be either.

NoSquirrels · 03/01/2019 18:21

People are not just good or bad, and I am sure he probably is a good bloke in a lot of ways, but it is totally and utterly unacceptable to treat you and your child with an "I'll do what I like regardless of the consequences" attitude.

Unacceptable.

I'd let it cool down and then I would work out how to approach that, because this will not be the only occasion you'll have to navigate and I don't think in good conscience I could stay as the "at home" parent doing all the support work if the support for me was not also in place in return.

ThatsNotNiceRoger · 03/01/2019 18:23

Does he see you as a team, a partnership? Because you’re supposed to be.

NoSquirrels · 03/01/2019 18:24

He's saying, in this instance, that he is the boss of you, and can tell you when to work.

That is No Good At All.

timeisnotaline · 03/01/2019 18:25

I can’t see much that’s wonderful about this twattish man. Did you know that despite the marriage vows he pretended to make, he intends his sole contribution to your marriage to be money? Not care not support not a how are you text, after all he has said quite clearly that you’d have to manage if he were travelling so basically you need to manage without him all the time, even though he doesn’t travel. That’s about as helpful as you’d have to manage if he were dead so you may as well manage now. Actually you would have to manage if he were an ex....

Handprints2018 · 03/01/2019 18:29

You know this is going to happen again right? This isn't a one off.

I hope you still plan to sit him down and show your contributions. I would also lick all his mugs. Does he expect sympathy from you and you to do childcare when he is sick? I really wouldn't next time.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 18:30

The last 10 posts on here verbalise so well how I feel about this entire situation. So well!! You are all completely right and I am very disappointed and sad

OP posts: