To think he needs to stay with me

[crispysausagerolls]

Expect to get a lot of comments like “If you’re so unwell why are you typing” but I am lying here in bed on my side with a cold flannel and a temp that was 41 but is now 39.7 after taking panadol. I just desperately need advice - we have a 6m old who has also had a fever (but is on the mend). I can’t really stand. My family are all down with the flu so can’t help. DH works very long hours and is the breadwinner but has returned to work yesterday and none of the big bosses are in the office as still off on holiday, and his day yesterday was very relaxed (went to the gym, did personal errands and calls, left at 6pm which is early for him).

He is saying he can’t stay home to look after me and DS. Usually I would say fair enough but given how unwell I am and his casual working environment this week, AIBU? I am worried about taking care of DS like this (and I know single mothers manage but they don’t have a choice IYSWIM)

Put your phone down and get to bed then OP if you're feeling ill again!

@GreatDuckCookery if his job is so important how we he know she's on Mumsnet?
You are being a bit pernickety there, are you not?
I have typed things on my phone in between contractions, so it's not impossible.

And does typing on her phone excuse him not checking to see if they are ok or showing some concern?

All I'm saying if someone is ill and has to get someone else to look after the baby then typing on MN is probably not the best idea. As I said earlier a shower and a sleep would be the best idea. Make the most of the time and all that!

Jesus wept, the amount of people who think you can’t post while you’re ill. I know someone who was capable of sending FB messages less than 12 hours before she died (from cancer). She was in contact with her friends that way right up until she passed into unconsciousness. Was she not ill enough for PP on this thread?

OP...I’m glad you are a little better. I’m outraged on your behalf that he hasn’t even called to check on you.

@greatduckcookery please share what great spy network tells you op isn’t in bed? I’ll save you the effort of activating your network to check in on me and just tell you - I’m in bed. Lying down. On my phone. Using your phone is probably the least energy using activity there is.

Real flu is awful but tbh when I or I have seen patients with flu they certainly would not have been able to read and reply to an Internet forum.

And you've seen every person who has had flu?

I know someone who was very ill in a HDU and who was still using Reddit while in there. How much effort does it really take to use a phone?

@greatduckcookery - maybe he didn't think she was that il l...... maybe he didn't but he hasn't rang/text to check has he?

Tell me Duck, what do you think might be going on in her DH head?

*She's trying to pull a fast one and get me to look after the kid all day while she lounges around
*She's not that ill, i can tell becuase she's not rolling around the floor in agony or projectile vomiting non stop
*she just wants me to stay at home with her and the kid
*Christ, i don't want to be here at home looking after my child who is a bit grumpy becuase he's not feeling great and also have to look after my wife becuase she's caught the bug the baby had and is feeling rotten - i know, i'll ignore it and go to work where it's easier and come home and suffer the earache but at least i got to do what i want.

What would be your thoughts Duck? - careful now as it will tell us all the tyoe of oerson you are :)

Well seeing as the OP has been on MN all morning maybe he didn't think she was that ill?

How does my husband know I have been on MN? He spent about 10 mins in the same room as me today, and in that time we were arguing so I was not on the phone.

I’m currently lying on the sofa watching my mother rocking my poorly child. I don’t have the energy to do that myself right now but he is unwell and needs to be stood up with and rocked. If my mother weren’t here I would not be able to stand and rock him so he would be distressed and crying next to me, making his throat even more sore. I have not gone to bed as he is unwell and currently wants to be on and off the breast every 45-60 mins or so, so I prefer to just be here to see him
Whilst he is unwell, and have him on me when needed. My mother will take him out for a walk later if he settles so I can have a nap, but I appreciate the implications that as I am not asleep I cannot possibly be unwell!

DH has just messaged....

She's trying to pull a fast one and get me to look after the kid all day while she lounges around

Quite! Well said

I think I've even posted on mn
Whilst in icu!! My dh has to text my friends I was actually seriously ill whilst I was sending upbeat text messages! Was very tricky though with cannulas in each hand! Kept me distracted from reality though.

I'm beginning to suspect that greatduck is the OPs DH and is on MN in his meetings.

This lack of respect and compassion is one of the reasons my DD left her OH. She is still on her own and yes she has had to crawl around and look after a baby on her own when she has been ill but she maintains that it is worth it not to live with his selfish ways.

A single parent may have no choice to get through the days but when you have a DH who wont help you that is so disrespectful and hurtful.

I am
Actually extremely glad I posted on MN this morning, the support from all of you has kept my spirits up today, and also made me feel reassured that DH has behaved poorly/that just because he pays the bills doesn’t give him the right to just abandon us like that when I/we need him. And I am
Also pleased I posted because at the time I was unsure how “valid”
It would be of me to really try to get him to stay home. And now I know that even after I was practically begging, he still
Wouldn’t.

He texted me to essentially say he is out of meetings so could come home soon “if needed”. Ive read him the riot act. I am extremely pissed off - but he is someone who would rather do what he wants to do and be “told off” for it later than do something he doesn’t want to do at the time, eg stay home and help me.

My ex did this to me when we were still together. I told him (and he could plainly see) that I wasn't safe getting up and downstairs to change the (healthy!) baby and I couldn't even look after myself let alone the baby. He made me a sandwich for lunch, brought the baby changing stuff downstairs and scarpered. I'm obviously still a bit bitter and the baby in question will be driving soon!

A single parent may have no choice to get through the days but when you have a DH who wont help you that is so disrespectful and hurtful

Yes

I'm obviously still a bit bitter and the baby in question will be driving soon!

This made me smile!

I'm beginning to suspect that greatduck is the OPs DH and is on MN in his meetings.

Burn the witch who doesn't agree with us!

DH is not even remotely sorry. He said he made a judgemental call based on what he thought was right, not on how I felt, and he has had to go to work feeling that unwell before, and if he had been travelling I would’ve had to manage anyway (he doesn’t travel with work so not sure why that’s relevant).

Burn the witch who doesn't agree with us!

Not at all but when you are feeling rubbish you don't really need someone to persistently voice their doubt. If I was ill the last thing on my mind would be posting on the internet.

However the younger generation are very much into social media so far more likely to reach for their phone than an older person like me.

Ugh what an arsehole. No sympathy for you at all - some ‘partner’.

My husband cancelled his last work trip abroad as one of our children had chicken pox and he had to help look after the other (with a baby it was just too hard to cope being up all night and looking after eldest in the day). As it turned out, she made a miraculous recover the morning he was due to travel so he went anyway....so no, unless someone is already long haul when you become ill, you don't just 'need to manage'

I can’t believe that your husband is still trying to justify such behaviour. He’s a horrible man and clearly doesn’t care about you or his son, just about making his own life easier.

Of course greatduck isn't the dp, that's just silly, there's more than one person in the world who would act like he has as the replies on this thread have shown.

He has to justify it to himself crusty because to admit he was wrong would mean facing up to being a disgrace of a husband and a father. To put work over the wellbeing and safety of your family is disgusting. Or was it that he wouldnt look after the baby? Sounds like he thinks of himself as a big I AM breadwinner with you the little wifey who does all the domestic stuff. Hope you're feeling better soon!!

However the younger generation are very much into social media so far more likely to reach for their phone than an older person like me

When I was younger my mother used to say if I was well enough to watch tv, I was not ill. And of course I think that is nonsense - being unwell can be extremely boring when you are not asleep but only really well enough to just lie there. I think social media is the modern day equivalent - it’s just a lazy and easy distraction and that’s fine. If people don’t believe me, as apparently my DH didn’t this morning despite actually seeing how unwell I was - and I can’t stress enough how extremely incapacitated and unfit to take care of our son I was, then that’s ok because I know how I felt.

Additionally, he said as I was “well enough” to ask him not to go he thought I was fine.

Basically it worked out in his favour as luckily I am better and DS is safe, but things might have gone very differently andnhe ignored my concerns and risked the wellbeing of our child (in my opinion anyway, though I appreciate that sounds dramatic)

So if you can speak and well enough to ask him to stay then he won't? So you've basically got to be unconscious for him to stay off. Breaking 2 arms and 2 legs wouldn't cut it!