Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he needs to stay with me

300 replies

crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 07:08

Expect to get a lot of comments like “If you’re so unwell why are you typing” but I am lying here in bed on my side with a cold flannel and a temp that was 41 but is now 39.7 after taking panadol. I just desperately need advice - we have a 6m old who has also had a fever (but is on the mend). I can’t really stand. My family are all down with the flu so can’t help. DH works very long hours and is the breadwinner but has returned to work yesterday and none of the big bosses are in the office as still off on holiday, and his day yesterday was very relaxed (went to the gym, did personal errands and calls, left at 6pm which is early for him).

He is saying he can’t stay home to look after me and DS. Usually I would say fair enough but given how unwell I am and his casual working environment this week, AIBU? I am worried about taking care of DS like this (and I know single mothers manage but they don’t have a choice IYSWIM)

OP posts:
arranbubonicplague · 03/01/2019 10:44

For those wondering if OP's husband has never had a sick day...my DH has had 1 sick day in >35 years (and that what last year - I told him he shouldn't go in, he tried to get up and promptly fell over he was so weak).

Yes - people who have amazing immune systems and are generally healthy have no idea at all what it is like to be unwell.

FilthyforFirth · 03/01/2019 10:59

Fuck that. I had bad flu before xmas. DH and I both work full time but we had childcare issues so he took 2 days off. That is what supportive partners do. He missed an important meeting but that is life. No one is going to get fired over something like this.

I would be having very serious words about what happens in the future. Are you planning on going back to work? If so, you need to make it clear that you wont always be off with DS when he is sick.

Hope you feel better soon, flu is the worst, I forgot how badly it floors you.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 11:01

DH has never had a sick day (since I have known him, anyway. But he’s 28 so not like he has been working for 20 years) but he has been unwell, and on those days he has gone in. However he has never been really unwell with flu or d&v, only ever a bad cold or hay fever.

I’m actually feeling a hell of a lot better, miraculously. I don’t know if it’s the panadol or it was a short viral or whatever it is but my mother is here anyway and I am so pleased I am feeling better (still unwell obviously but a world of difference from 7am). DS is not better and feeling so sorry for himself but at least I feel like I can actually take care of him.

However, the better I feel the more clearly I see that DH has let us down. He has not even been in touch to see how we are getting on. He had no way of knowing I would feel better, nor did he know my mother would be able to come. So he just fucked off and left me with a high fever and a sick baby.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/01/2019 11:07

He doesn't sound very wonderful tbh OP.
Gad you're feeling a bit better though and that your mum is coming round, get a shower and some sleep while she's here.

SushiMonster · 03/01/2019 11:09

So he just fucked off and left me with a high fever and a sick baby.

My mum never really forgave my dad after he fucked off to work when both she and I had 'flu and were super sick when I was about age 3.

Mummyshark2018 · 03/01/2019 11:11

I'm sorry you feel rough, however imo if you're well enough to message several times on mn as opposed to potentially sleeping/ resting before your dh went to work (for that extra hour) then I can see why he would go to work. Obviously we're only going on what you have said but ime if you have actually got the flu (and not a bad cold) then its unlikely you would even be able to get out of bed or use your phone. Plus your mums coming now so you do have people around you in the case of emergency. I hope you feel better soon Thanks

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 11:23

imo if you're well enough to message several times on mn as opposed to potentially sleeping/ resting before your dh went to work

I did expect some comments like this so I’m not surprised but honestly, I was not up and messaging I was lying on my side typing pathetically and desperately trying to stay awake to see if my mother was going to reply to me or call me back before I was “abandoned” (how it felt at the time). And then I managed to doze for 20 mins but couldn’t even really sleep properly so 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s fine if you don’t personally believe I was sick enough but DH saw the 41 degrees on the thermometer, saw how unwell I was and felt how hot I was.

OP posts:
NorthEndGal · 03/01/2019 11:24

I hope you both get better soon, and I hope you dh gets sick

Coralnails · 03/01/2019 11:26

'D'h nearly did this once to me. I had to beg him to take the day off as I was so ill.

He did take the day off but he was not happy about it and tried to make me feel bad about it and had a row with me while I was ill.

He did apologise later but it wasn't the first time he'd done similar.

Several year before he fucked off to do non essential diy jobs for his sister while myself and ds were very very sick, he also once tried to drag our then baby on a 2 hour trip up the motorway to visit family when baby was very ill, because he didn't want to let people down. Baby could have stayed home with me but dhs argument was that family wanted to see the baby. Well tough shit the baby is unwell.

Dh has got this real big thing about not letting people down, which is fine, even admirable. However unfortunately sometimes emergencies happen and it can't be helped.

It seems apparently he has no problem letting me or the dc down.

Sorry for the rant op, I hope you manage to get through the day.

Coralnails · 03/01/2019 11:28

Op it's bullshit that if you're well enough to type you're well enough to get through the day.

Lying down typing on a device is not comparable to being up and caring for a baby which would mean being up and about.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 11:32

coralnails

I’m sorry that you’ve experience similar - the DIY sister jobs is just 😱

I think if he had stayed it would’ve been like your DH, trying to make me feel bad about it anyway.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/01/2019 11:33

I doubt the OP has flu tbh. Sounds like a virus of some sorts but you don't suddenly feel better with flu and certainly not well enough to write long posts on MN.

RandomObject · 03/01/2019 11:33

Get your sicky germs on absolutely everything of his then delight in telling him to get the hell up and go to work.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/01/2019 11:37

Blimey - he sounds awful.
Please ignore him totally today.
If he calls or messages just ignore him.
Let him stew wondering if you are OK or not!

GertrudeCB · 03/01/2019 11:45

Hope you feel better soon op. Reminds me of when I begged dp at the time not to leave me with 2 DC under 4 when I'd had D&V for 48 hours and was getting worse. His last words were " get someone to ring me if your rushed to hospital" with heavy sarcasm.Angry Which is exactly what happened a couple of hours later. I had food poisoning and was on a drip for 5 days. He is still apologizing for this 20 odd years later.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 11:48

Gertrude

Omg! At least he had to eat his words.

Now it’s obviously not the flu, no. But I (or he) weren’t to know that this morning when I was feeling so unwell!

OP posts:
Ethel80 · 03/01/2019 11:48

@GreatDuckCookery I'm in bed and feeling really poorly (not flu) but I've definitely had times over the last 5 days where I've started to feel better for a while but then feel wiped out again later.

Right now I'm considering if I can make it to the shop before I crash again as I'm hungry and don't want any more bloody toast.

StormTreader · 03/01/2019 11:49

"I doubt the OP has flu tbh. Sounds like a virus of some sorts but you don't suddenly feel better with flu and certainly not well enough to write long posts on MN."

I'm not sure what your point is? If shes too ill to be able to parent effectively then shes too ill, does it REALLY matter what her technical diagnosis is? You're just sounding judgey.

Delerium · 03/01/2019 11:52

This is awful treatment OP - I'm with those who'd struggle to forgive it! Glad you're feeling a little more alive, but he didn't know you would and knowingly left you both in potential danger.

Also just wanted to clarify statutory rights re time off. 'Time off for dependents' is time off to deal with an emergency involving a dependent, eg spouse or child. It is time to arrange care rather than give it, but it is accepted that for a short period you will likely have to give care yourself until other support arrives, but generally 24 hours is the acceptable level of time off. If you want to take more time to provide care yourself then an employer might ask you to take annual leave or parental leave (see below). More information is available here: www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants

'Parental Leave' is a statutory right to 18 weeks of unpaid leave for each child and adopted child, up to their 18th birthday. You must give 21 days notice, and can take a maximum of 4 weeks per year and only in week-long chunks (unless the child has a disability, in which case you can take days). More information is available here: www.gov.uk/parental-leave

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/01/2019 11:57

Selfish bastard.

Fuck him. Nasty piece of work.

Next time he is properly ill leave him with the baby all day long. Although you probably wouldn’t because you’d be worried he wouldn’t care for the baby - another indication of what a hateful dick he is, if so.

Kikipost · 03/01/2019 11:58

I was initially extremely sympathies and angry on your behalf.

Then...

7am you paint the picture of someone suffering dreadfully

11am I’m actually feeling a hell of a lot better, miraculously

I’m wondering know if perhaps he suspected that this would be the case as you’re a bit of a drama health queen?

FlurkenSchnit · 03/01/2019 11:59

My DH has pulled stunts like this several times and on two of those times I ended up in hospital. It's like he hears me saying that I'm really ill but that he doesn't register the meaning of the words and he has said in the past "well why didn't you say you were that ill?" Angry

I'm a SAHM too and in the past I used to look after him when he was ill but now I just ignore him and leave him whimpering pathetically. He has no problem taking himself off to bed but god forbid that I do! I dread becoming seriously ill with cancer etc as I suspect that I will not get cared for properly...

You have my sympathy OP, I hope the day passes quickly for you.

InsomniacAnonymous · 03/01/2019 12:03

"Can you not go into the office collect his computer and come home to work from home?"

What a bizarre suggestion! How the hell can she do that?

ClarabellaCTL · 03/01/2019 12:05

OP that's rubbish, I'm glad you're feeling better. My DH is in the military, I was a SAHM with our eldest and there was a stomach virus going round. It hit me about 10pm when he was working overnight - I rang him and he came straight home, even though DS was sound asleep he came home to take care of us. When DS had a severe sudden illness I got his work to radio him (he was flying a bloody helicopter at the time) - he flew back to base, landed and drove like madman with his helmet and lifejacket still on! If he can do that, your DH can cancel a meeting.

GenericHamster · 03/01/2019 12:09

Flu affects people differently, of course she can have flu with a temp and feeling unwell like that (and if she's feeling better now, that's great but could just be meds kicking in for a little while).