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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he needs to stay with me

300 replies

crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 07:08

Expect to get a lot of comments like “If you’re so unwell why are you typing” but I am lying here in bed on my side with a cold flannel and a temp that was 41 but is now 39.7 after taking panadol. I just desperately need advice - we have a 6m old who has also had a fever (but is on the mend). I can’t really stand. My family are all down with the flu so can’t help. DH works very long hours and is the breadwinner but has returned to work yesterday and none of the big bosses are in the office as still off on holiday, and his day yesterday was very relaxed (went to the gym, did personal errands and calls, left at 6pm which is early for him).

He is saying he can’t stay home to look after me and DS. Usually I would say fair enough but given how unwell I am and his casual working environment this week, AIBU? I am worried about taking care of DS like this (and I know single mothers manage but they don’t have a choice IYSWIM)

OP posts:
DragginBallsEEEE · 03/01/2019 12:11

.Sick is sick, doesn't matter if it was flu or a migraine or a viral. Your husband has been an epic dick and you really need to have this out with him when you are better.

DP has to go to work as he is self employed and if he doesn't work he doesn't earn. But on the occasions that I have been really ill (hell, even if I'm just not well) he's rang round to get some help (mostly from his Mum) and would never just leave me to it. He's also cut his work days short or doubled up in order to get home and help.

safetyfreak · 03/01/2019 12:19

What is the point of him then? I ask this as a single parent.

timeisnotaline · 03/01/2019 12:19

Im another one who thinks he’s a total asshole. However I think some posters are being a bit over dramatic mentioning divorce etc and I think this is a pretty common situation and most employers wouldn't understand a partner staying home in this situation
My dhs work had better understand it or he’d be looking elsewhere. he certainly wouldn’t be going in.

I wouldn’t be able to look at him the same way. I’d have to tell him this, that his actions said fuck you to me and to his baby as he walked out the door and that is hard to get over.

AyoadesChinDimple · 03/01/2019 12:20

My ex(father of my children) would have behaved like this.
My OH would either wfh or take the day off to help me (and his stepkids)
I understand how dreadful you feel as a single mum I had flu one Xmas and I felt like I was dying. Literally laid on the sofa and the kids watched tv but they were a little bit older than yours.
Hope your husband realises what a selfish twat he is being and comes home.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 12:22

I’m wondering know if perhaps he suspected that this would be the case as you’re a bit of a drama health queen?

What a nasty post. As I said, he saw the thermometer reading, so it’s not like he was in any doubt of my being genuinely ill, but he wasn’t anyway - that isn’t the problem here! Yes I am feeling a lot better but I’m not dancing around, I still feel unwell! And who knows how I will feel in a further few hours.

I’m finding it very interesting to hear the women who’ve had the same experience as me, as well as those with helpful husbands.

Still haven’t heard from him to ask how we are! Not sure how to proceed/what to say to him when I see him. Tempted to show him this thread.

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas11 · 03/01/2019 12:22

He needs to stay. You aren’t even in a position to look after your baby. You have no alternative. Tell him he’s jeopardizing your baby’s wellbeing. Be firm.

I was a single parent who had to do this alone. I called my Ex who refused to take our son. I had a raging temperature and flu. I just about got through the day but it was awful and is one of the reasons I moved eventually 100 miles to be closer to family so that if it ever happened again I could have backup.

Italiangreyhound · 03/01/2019 12:25

Your husband needs to take time off to look after his child. This may have to be annual leave, or in some companies he may be able to work from home or repay the time later (TOIL) or whatever.

He is the baby's father and you are too sick to case for your child safely. What if you fainted while carrying the baby.

I think I would say to your not so dear husband if he cannot come and look after baby you will see about engaging a private nanny or home help, for a couple of days. This may be impossible but I would 'threaten' it because your husband is a selfish prick and it's sometimes best to fight fire with fire, he is thinking of himself, you think of yourself and the baby.

Italiangreyhound · 03/01/2019 12:26

to care for your child safely...

easyandy101 · 03/01/2019 12:26

What's he like when he is ill?

JovialNickname · 03/01/2019 12:27

I'm glad you're feeling slightly better OP, even if it is just because of the meds. I'd be absolutely livid with your H, what happened to working as a team, you know, as he promised you in your marriage vows? I don't think it would hurt to let him know that you now (hopefully temporarily because he will change his ways) see him as someone that will leave you begging on your knees for help when you are desperate, without a care for either you or his child. Hopefully that might wake him up a bit as to how shitty he's being in your time of need. Hope you feel better soon x

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 03/01/2019 12:27

It does have to be a pretty urgent situation- which has only happened 3 times to me in my kids lives. But OP if you really, I mean really are unable to move like I was, then 3 days in a kids lifetime is not too much to ask.

My ex who refused was self employed and he wasn’t even working it was a Saturday!

My current DP has a very high level job and time off is frowned upon, however he took the day off when I had flu. He’s a much nicer guy than my Ex.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/01/2019 12:28

My comment about the OP not having flu but probably a virus as she is now feeling better and able to type out long posts very frequently was to this

Op it's bullshit that if you're well enough to type you're well enough to get through the day.

Quartz2208 · 03/01/2019 12:28

If meds have kicked in and the fever come down you certainly can feel better (without being better)

OP he has prioritised himself and work over his family - your mum whilst still not well herself prioritised you because that is what parents do.

He is not a good parent (he left his son in a potentially dangerous situation and has not checked) and is an awful partner

SoupOnMyTableNowSir · 03/01/2019 12:29

Internal meetings can be done by skype/telephone, he just doesn't want the responsibility of being a parent, it can happen when the wife is a SAHM (I am one.)

Dh has done it to me once, and only once. Never again. He is rarely ill but it demonstrated how low down the list of priorities we were. He hadn't really considered it in those terms.

Since then he has come home if I am ill and worked from home too even though this made his job very hard to do.

Your Dh is a twat and the fact that he hasn't even bothered to see how you are is shocking. He is basically telling you that parenting is a shitty job and you are the only one responsible for it, otherwise he would have stayed home.

joanmcc · 03/01/2019 12:31

My mother is coming at 11 for a bit to help as she is feeling better. I am not fucking telling him that though

So your plan later on is to lie to him and gaslight him about how difficult your day actually was? No wonder he doesn't believe you as it is.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 03/01/2019 12:31

An incident like this formed part of my divorce petition from my selfish ex. He refused to miss work when I had flu despite me begging him to stay. He arrived home from work to find my temperature had gone up and I had passed out on the floor. Out child had eaten biscuits out the cupboard all day because I was too weak to reach the kitchen to get food.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 12:34

I wouldn’t be able to look at him the same way. I’d have to tell him this, that his actions said fuck you to me and to his baby as he walked out the door and that is hard to get over.

I think this is the thing I’m having trouble with. He has always put work first in this way but I hve never minded (eg I had an operation under GA and he didn’t take the day off/was very difficult to convince him to take the day off when I was being induced etc) but this Involves our baby now for goodness sake and I was really really asking him to stay. Plus it’s not even a proper bloody work day according to him.

OP posts:
Newyearnewme2019 · 03/01/2019 12:35

He is being a total arse and so are some of the posters on here.

It's not about whether you are well enough to type on here or not, that is totally different to look after and entertaining a baby and breastfeeding to boot,

You feel like shit, your energy levels are low and you asked your DH for help - there is nothing wrong in that, you are entitled to ask for help when you feel like you need it.

Yes you could be on your death bed and if there was no-one around to help ease the burden you would have to drag yourself out, got to the shops, look after baby WHATEVER but the thing here is that there is someone abouth to help - your DH and you asked for it and he is an arse for walking out on you.

Tonight when he comes home, hand the baby over straightaway and and tell him your going to take a lie down now as today has really took it's toll on you and your exhausted (which you probably will be) and to wake you when baby wants feeding and when he has tea ready

Fuke him - play him at his own game

Hope your feeling better soon but you'll probably go back down hill as you get tired x

ButteryParsnips · 03/01/2019 12:36

So now it's clear he doesn't put you first when you need it, you do the same to him. Look after yourself and the baby first and see how he likes it when all the things he expects you to do for him don't get done.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 12:36

*Dh has done it to me once, and only once. Never again. He is rarely ill but it demonstrated how low down the list of priorities we were. He hadn't really considered it in those terms.

Since then he has come home if I am ill and worked from home too even though this made his job very hard to do.*

How did you get him to change his ways?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 03/01/2019 12:36

Your baby could be in danger op - you could be delirious or passed out and a 6 month old baby is not able to look after themself.

and look at your previous examples - he was pretty bad then - he did not even want to take time off for his baby birth.

He sounds addicted to work

thebaronetofcockburn · 03/01/2019 12:37

He's a tosser but not all people can work from home or hire an emergency nurse or nanny who will be willing to come to a home where an occupant has influenza.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 12:39

So your plan later on is to lie to him and gaslight him about how difficult your day actually was? No wonder he doesn't believe you as it is.

Fuck off please. He does believe me
that I’m ill, he’s just not helping! And I will tell him LATER that my mother came, but I see no reason to mention it until he bothers to ask how I’m actually getting on. Which he has not done as of yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 12:39

Bluesmartiesarebest

Oh my god that is horrendous!!!!!! Was he sorry?!?

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 03/01/2019 12:42

So your plan later on is to lie to him and gaslight him about how difficult your day actually was? No wonder he doesn't believe you as it is

Oh, do fuck off.