To think he needs to stay with me

[crispysausagerolls]

Expect to get a lot of comments like “If you’re so unwell why are you typing” but I am lying here in bed on my side with a cold flannel and a temp that was 41 but is now 39.7 after taking panadol. I just desperately need advice - we have a 6m old who has also had a fever (but is on the mend). I can’t really stand. My family are all down with the flu so can’t help. DH works very long hours and is the breadwinner but has returned to work yesterday and none of the big bosses are in the office as still off on holiday, and his day yesterday was very relaxed (went to the gym, did personal errands and calls, left at 6pm which is early for him).

He is saying he can’t stay home to look after me and DS. Usually I would say fair enough but given how unwell I am and his casual working environment this week, AIBU? I am worried about taking care of DS like this (and I know single mothers manage but they don’t have a choice IYSWIM)

Oh love. Yes he absolutely should be staying with you - everyone needs time off for recovery when sick and that includes SAHM. I would be having this discussion very seriously when you are feeling better. In the short term I would hire someone last minute using joint money to help - there are lots of great agencies with experienced CRB checked people. This will be a good week to find someone as well as many nannies will will be on holiday with their regular children still away on holiday.

www.sitters.co.uk/babysitters-in-London.aspx?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIxvSGrZrR3wIV5xbTCh176QBeEAAYAiAAEgIyhfD_BwE

www.emergencychildcare.co.uk

www.tinies.com/parents/emergency-childcare/

See it as a good way to meet a friendly face for future babysitting xxx

Oh bless you! He should absolutely be staying home. Would he go to work with a temp of 40?? Since he is determined to be an arse, options are:

1. If you have the money, emergency nanny
2. I would call the GP/HV and explain the situation and that you don't feel you can safely look after your child and that although usually you have family they all have flu. Perhaps they could then call OH and convince him? Depends what your HV is like, ours is great and would totally do this.
3. Bed guard, tv, toys. Although how you will be able to breastfeed/make up bottles I don't know. Really, i don't think either of you are safe alone :(

I have been googling re the sitters and I suppose I will have to use one but I do not like
The idea of having a stranger look after my sick DS as he is so clingy and we have never used one before so not sure what to expect.

I just cannot believe him - he’s going to miss his train as I’ve asked him
To go next door to garage to get me some bread so I can make toast for myself at least; and he is acting annoyed about that. I can’t believe after everything I’ve said to him he has gotten dressed and is leaving.

I will make it through the day because I have to, but I am extremely angry and upset with him. He kept saying he has never taken a sick day etc so I need to just get on with it. Thankfully I have bed rails I am propped up in bed with DS sitting between legs with a load of toys. Going to be a very long day. I suppose if he stayed home he would only have made me feel guilty for it anyway.

Really tough situation
However I think some posters are being a bit over dramatic mentioning divorce etc and I think this is a pretty common situation and most employers wouldn't understand a partner staying home in this situation
I had a really awful sick bug with two under three once and that was a hideous day which basically meant I lay on the sofa all day crawling to get food for the kids with CBeebies permanently on
You have every right to feel angry though

My dh is usually rubbish in these situations but I had norovirus at the end of December, it floored me, I didn't even have to ask him to stay off he saw how ill I was, he took two days off.
Your dh needs to do the same.

If he has meetings I kind of understand. Even internal ones sometimes can't be postponed and I wouldn't be happy taking a days leave the day after starting back.

This is the reality of being ill when being a parent. We've all had to do it and no it isn't nice but you just have to get on and do the basics.

DS is EBF and will not
Take expressed so ideally I need someone to have him
Whilst awake and bring him
To bed every 90 mins for feeding and a nap. DH has just left. Cant believe it but there you go - he's saying that he can, but won't, help you and that hurts. that’s exactly it, plus worrying about how the hell to get through today. Don’t have tv in bedroom but will have to go to living room and camp there, and feel extremely neglectful and guilty as not up to playing.

I can't believe he left you. I would not be letting this go.

What a twat, I couldn't stay with someone who treated me like that.

It wouldn't be so bad if he was looking for a solution to help Op & not being so fucking nasty!

Definitely don't feel guilty and neglectful for not playing! Feel like supermum for managing to get to the tv with him!

My mother is coming at 11 for a bit to help as she is feeling better. I am not fucking telling him that though as it’s irrelevant - he just left me without either of us knowing I would have any help.

It wouldn't be so bad if he was looking for a solution to help Op & not being so fucking nasty!

This. His attitude was just so so so horrible. Not apologetic, just annoyed.

My DH has a very demanding job and works very long hours but if I am too unwell to look after our children he takes carer's leave or works from home. Always.

This isn't just about you being unwell this is about him being a decent father and he shouldn't want to leave the baby alone with you when you are so ill. What if you collapsed, or were hallucinating through the flu. I've had both of those symptoms and I couldn't hold my own head never mind a six month old baby who was off colour too.

Let's hope for his sake nothing happens to you today.

Selfish arsehole.

Ah, cross post.
Mum saves the day!

Hope you get some rest. Don't Tell him.

LTB. Seriously. He doesn’t care for your or the baby.

I know it’s really scary the first time you leave them with a ‘stranger’ (my DS is only 2 and a half so it’s recent for me) but I think if you don’t have lots of friends and family nearby to help (and a DH with a ‘tour job’ attitude...) then it’s worth being brave and giving it a go.

I have had to as minimal family help, a job and which is very challenging not to turn up for (medical) and being the main emergency contact for an elderly family member who needs me sometimes. Now me and DS are used to it however it has given me freedom to have nights out etc which I have to say has greatly improved the overall parenting experience. Most of the carers from those agencies in my experience are mothers themselves or work regularly with small children as nannies, nursery workers or student nurses etc and they do get it - they don’t even have to take your little one away from your room if you don’t want, they could stay in your room and hold your child/ bring him up you for feeds whilst you dose and rest if you want.

Hope you feel better very soon xxx

Ahh just see your mother is coming! Yay!

This needs to be a serious chat with DH when you feel better though

Hope you feel well soon xxx

There's 2 elements here for me. First, he wouldn't go in to work if he was that ill, so why should you? He clearly doesn't care about you working while you're so poorly. But second, he isn't thinking about his child either. If you are so ill you can barely leave bed then he's essentially leaving his child on it's own for the day. This is exactly what special leave days are for, he could have taken the day off no problem. What an arse

So glad to hear your DM is coming to help you out. Your husband has been extremely selfish. No orderly house or dinner waiting for him tonight when he gets back, on principle!

Is he telling the truth that he has never taken a sick day?

My husband is a sahd and I work - I'm board level, always on call, and my job involves making quick (expensive) decisions. My employer understands that the benefit of a SAH parent is that I don't take time off when my child is ill, but I do on the much rarer occasions when my husband is ill, because then we have no childcare. His employer would understand too, your DH is just being a selfish bastard.

OP that's awful. My DH works very long hours as well but if I have been ill like this he takes time off, even when I wasn't a SAHM and just couldn't do the school runs.

On a more practical note I once had norovirus when DC was very tiny and DH was working away, no other help. I went down to the living room and lay on the floor with blankets, the tv on and the baby seat on hand. Horrible but we got through it safely.

You play every day...this can't be helped (by you anyway) so no guilt!

Asshat. The guy needs a serious shake up. His disrespect towards your role and wellbeing is shockingly telling. In sickness and in health?
So he likes playing the hunter gatherer role when you are "doing your job" but not if you are ill?
Serious discussion required when you are better.
Fucking asshat with an extra dose of ass.

I was left in a similar position I had mastitis and a 40 degree tempand a 6 month old I phoned dp and asked him to come home. He said to phone him back when it was 41. (outing story there)

I have never forgiven him for that he knows now that that was an extremely low time for us in our relationship and it took a lot of work to get past it.

Recently he heard of an old drinking buddy whose wife was in a similar position and the drinking buddy took time off to look after wife and baby. I think that actually shamed him more than anything i had ever said.
Anyway two weeks or so after that I got that awful stomach flu that was going around. Lo and behold he took two days off.

What I am saying is this is something that will stay with you and breed resentment. He has left you and your baby at your most vulnerable when it was easily avoided. He has told you where you come in his list of priorities, do not accept it.