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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he needs to stay with me

300 replies

crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 07:08

Expect to get a lot of comments like “If you’re so unwell why are you typing” but I am lying here in bed on my side with a cold flannel and a temp that was 41 but is now 39.7 after taking panadol. I just desperately need advice - we have a 6m old who has also had a fever (but is on the mend). I can’t really stand. My family are all down with the flu so can’t help. DH works very long hours and is the breadwinner but has returned to work yesterday and none of the big bosses are in the office as still off on holiday, and his day yesterday was very relaxed (went to the gym, did personal errands and calls, left at 6pm which is early for him).

He is saying he can’t stay home to look after me and DS. Usually I would say fair enough but given how unwell I am and his casual working environment this week, AIBU? I am worried about taking care of DS like this (and I know single mothers manage but they don’t have a choice IYSWIM)

OP posts:
Yabbers · 03/01/2019 09:15

He needs to take a days parental leave
This is not a thing. He should stay off from work, but he can’t use parental leave for that.

Cherries101 · 03/01/2019 09:16

My boss is the CEO of a FTSE 100 company. Even he takes time off / works from home when his wife is ill. I think you need to leave this idiot.

CatnissEverdene · 03/01/2019 09:17

That's really selfish shitty behaviour.

Next time he needs something, tell him to fuck off and then fuck off a bit more. At least you know where you stand in his list of priorities and can from today on treat him with the same lack of utter respect. Hope you're both better soon Flowers

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 03/01/2019 09:18

Thank you so much everyone - I feel better in a way just from feeling vindicated and knowing IANBU. Also feel better knowing help is on the way, and DS asleep in my arms whilst I watch TV. Feel like the paracetamol and fluids are helping with temp too. Hope DS sleeps for a while so I can rest. Feel very sad about the situation though.

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 03/01/2019 09:18

I thought legally employers have to give the day off. If you have no childcare. In my office people regularly have to take the day off as their kid is sick and been sent home from nursery or their childminder is sick.

I wonder what he would say if your childminder had called in sick?

It's great for him he has never been sick and maybe explains why he has no empathy but I'm sure he wouldn't go into work feeling like you do. Flu can lead to complications and hospitalisation eg pmeumonia is relatively common. Would you have to just suck it up then too?

And most internal meetings are bullshit, would far rather cancel this than a trip abroad with work or a customer meeting or presentation or training day or project deadline.

He is treating you and your son terribly

sm40 · 03/01/2019 09:19

When he gets the flu, take your baby out for the day and explain 'you are doing your job!'

GrapesAndCheese · 03/01/2019 09:19

So sorry OP. He's really let you both down and just thought about himself. Strong words to be had tonight. I expect he'll expect to come home and this be all forgotten about

flumpybear · 03/01/2019 09:20

Take ibuprofen too.
He's a bastard - it's nothing about you being a SAHM it's about him not taking responsibility as a dad/husband - epic fail

welshsoph · 03/01/2019 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sar302 · 03/01/2019 09:24

Practically speaking, push yourself for 5 mins. Get everything you need in a basket. - like when they're newborns and feeding constantly.

Lie on the couch with a duvet and pillow.
Stick baby in front of tv all day.
Bring changing stuff downstairs and only change him if he's pooed.
Put loaf of bread, a plate, some butter and a knife within reach.
Get a massive bottle or jug of water.
Get any sugary snacks in the house.
Max out all meds.
Baby naps on your chest.

You shouldn't have to do this, but you can do this.

Then, when you're well, give him a bollocking he'll never forget and have a strong talk about how your relationship is going to go from now on

Good luck x

GrapesAndCheese · 03/01/2019 09:25

Agreed with @sar302.

jessstan2 · 03/01/2019 09:28

Your husband does need to take a day off, at least, or just go into work for a short while, during the time you are both ill. I feel for you, most of us will know what it's like to be ill and have a child who is also ill. Such a little one too.

You poor thing, I honestly hope you will feel better very soon - but husband needs to be kicked into touch.

Flowers
youaremyrain · 03/01/2019 09:28

You could book emergency childcare through sitters.co.uk (I know you've got someone coming OP but for the future or in case anyone else needs it)

www.sitters.co.uk

Damnpeskykids · 03/01/2019 09:29

Oh OP what a shit situation for you!  your not so DH is a twat, and so glad your DM is feeling better to help you out! I third what @sar302 said, set up camp downstairs. Hope you feel better soon.

BastardGoDarkly · 03/01/2019 09:31

I'm not surprised you're feeling sad. I'm gutted for you.

He basically said... fuck you, and fuck the baby, today.

I'd honestly struggle to feel the same about him.

Thank God for your mum eh? Get some rest love, thinking about everything else can wait Flowers

HairyDogsFeet · 03/01/2019 09:33

I thought legally employers have to give the day off. If you have no childcare.

No, they have to allow time for you to find childcare, not to do it.

PattiStanger · 03/01/2019 09:43

I think hairy is right, I've never come across any law that says you can have the day off if you don't have childcare.

It I was you OP I'd take this as a serious wake up call, my exP also always prioritised work over family and eventually there's a limit to how long a family can work that that ime

cakecakecheese · 03/01/2019 09:43

You may be your child's primary caregiver but you shouldn't be the only caregiver and if you're ill he should be stepping up to the plate. I mean what if something were to happen and as you can barely stand how would you be able to do anything? it's unthinkable really. I am glad your Mum is coming to help though.

I hope you feel better soon and once you're up to it you really do need to have a discussion about this, maybe make a list of some of the more pertinent points from this thread, whether this includes the terms 'twat' and 'asshat' or not is up to you Grin

TheDogAteMySock · 03/01/2019 09:53

Just another one adding to the general feeling that he's a bastard. My 'd'h did a similar thing and to be honest I've never really forgiven him. It's there, festering away, eroding any feelings of love I may have for him. It's made worse that when he's not feeling well he has no problems taking himself off to bed to recover. I hope you manage to have a conversation with him and get him to see how much of a selfish fucker he's been and that he changes his ways... Unfortunately I'm not convinced that someone who's behaved like this is capable of seeing another person's point of view.

ChristmasFluff · 03/01/2019 09:53

I hope he catches whatever you have and that when he does, you go out and leave him with the baby.

I remember my ex-husband going to work when I had such bad vertigo I was lying on the floor because I felt like I was falling off the bed. Our son was 4 months old. He HAD to (important external pitch), and it was still hell.

Why not be a single parent (since you already are, tbh)? At least the resentment will be much less.

Rudgie47 · 03/01/2019 09:56

I'd tell him to fuck off for good OP, hes not there for you and your child is he? As I've got older I think nothing is truer than the saying "actions speak louder than words".
Hes shown you that hes a cunt.

Ethel80 · 03/01/2019 09:57

He sounds like a nasty, selfish prick.

My partner has had to work from home or take time off twice in the last year because I've been really poorly, that's without having a baby in the house.

I'm not going to join the cries of LTB but I would have a serious conversation with him about it, once you are better.

You deserve more, you deserve to know that when things are really shit your husband will step up. He's at best a chauvinist pig who doesn't know how to be a supportive partner when it counts.

TeacupDrama · 03/01/2019 10:08

emergency parental leave is to organize childcare it is not to do it yourself so no they don't have to give you time off just enough time to organize child care, this maybe a whole day but never longer, sometimes an hour or two is longer enough to wait for an emergency childcare to arrive. They may in addition permit you to take parental leave or annual leave at short notice but this is not compulsory you can't use sick leave

if you were hospitalized or had broken your leg you would need alternative childcare

Doobee · 03/01/2019 10:16

This is awful. You’re supposed to be a team! I couldn’t forgive this personally. Unless you are asking every week? If this is a rare thing then it’s totally out of order for him to not help and it shows that you can’t rely on him when the chips are down.

Passing4Human · 03/01/2019 10:18

Aww OP, this is horrible. I'd be so angry and hurt. I'm someone who struggles to not hold grudges anyway, so the temptation to leave him lying on the floor when he eventually gets any sort of flu or sick bug and not even get him a glass of water would be strong with me! Like another poster said, this is the sort of thing that stays with you and breeds resentment. Any time he said, "I love you" I'd be thinking, "yeahhh, that time you f**king left me and bub with flu"... Glad to hear your mum is well enough to struggle round to help and hope you all feel better soon.