To think it’s a bit odd that friend doesn’t ever mention pregnancy?

[Howobvious]

One of my closest friends never mentions my pregnancy/baby. I’m due next week and she has no idea (probably) unless she has a good memory from when I told her the DD at 12 weeks. Communication has dwindled a lot (used to speak daily by what’s app) but now she actively speaks about anything unrelated to babies when we do chat.

I really am not someone who is under the illusion that people are extremely interested so I don’t go on about it in the slightest but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a bit hurtful. My baby isnt that boring surely?! I know I will be too busy too give much thought when she arrives but it’s even at the stage where it will feel odd texting her to let her know he’s arrived, so I now plan to do it in a group WhatsApp chat that she’s a member of.

Anyone have any experience of this?

Maybe she just doesn’t want to repeat the same rote conversations you’re bound to have had with a bunch of other people?

For what it's worth, having a baby is pretty huge and life/changing! It's not like the OP is talking about an in-grown tail!

Yes but if you are not even contemplating going through it yourself right now (and of course have not already been through it) then it can seem a bit "meh"... and like your previously fun and career-focused female friend has gone a bit boring due to feeling that their life-changing event should be life-changing for everyone else.

Sorry but would discovering you have an in-grown tail not be WAY more interesting and life-changing than getting pregnant?

Stopwining - I didn’t say that. And actually that isn’t my opinion anyway.

Mirialis- not the case. Another friend commented that she was very interested in her baby/pg. I didn’t say that I hadn’t found that to be the case.

Anyway, I appreciate the insight but I think It’ll just go round in circles. Perhaps she has taken a ‘cue’ (sp?) of sorts because I actually don’t ram it down her throat at all. The nursery comment was relevant because it was actually all I’d done that weekend so if I’d have responded with “this weekend? Oh we went skydiving in Scotland”, that would have been a lie.

I get that it’s difficult for her, I’m not stupid. For what it’s worth, I had a 15 week loss before this pregnancy so I’m no stranger to the minefield of early baby loss. I’m not trying to win an award by saying that I’m very socially aware and have a great deal of compassion for other people, particularly friends. I was more interested in hearing how others’ had dealt with this issue. As this thread has shown - and as if suspected - my problem isn’t a unique one.

I'm 32 weeks and hate discussing my pregnancy with anyone other than my husband and my mum. I was the same with DD also.

She probably really just isn't thinking about it. For you, there is loads going on but for anyone else, you're just getting plumper for a bit until a baby appears and that's just not interesting to some.

@stopwining

I can't scroll through it all again

How convenient!

but the comment along the lines of 'nothing is more amazing than a woman able to produce a child' brought me to that opinion

She never said that

I had a 15 week loss before this pregnancy so I’m no stranger to the minefield of early baby loss

ach that is shit - I am sorry to hear that.

Did this friend know of that as that MAY explain how she is being (I do err on the side it’s most likely she’s being a bit of a dick though)

She’s never explicitly mentioned a particular reason why babies might be hurtful to her and in fact I discussed this with another mutual friend with a 6 month old baby and she commented that said friend was very interested in the process, or at least appeared to be

So you now say say this mutual friend spontaneously commented on this and you said nothing of your situation and feelings?

Oh well OP - of course we can only go on what you tell us. I'm sure you are all innocent and lovely in this and you starting an MN thread about her is a really good sign of that.

Having just had my fourth erpc surgery after miscarriage, bar an initial “congratulations” I’m not interested in anyone’s pregnancy or baby. I’m angry and sad, and I want to talk about anything else.

Fortunately my pregnant friends understand this is not about them, but my demons, and haven’t posted on the internet about me.

Oh Mirialis. I’m a complete dick, you’ve blown my cover. Well done, now you can have a day off.

Yeah she did know about previous loss but I was able to come to terms with it and it wasn’t something I discussed with friends too much if that makes sense.

Starabara - I am very sorry for your losses. How cruel. I’m sure your friends care about you as much as I care about my friend. I am seeking advice to preserve our friendship as best I can and I am utilising an anonymous platform to do so.

I’m not the type to have one million friends everywhere. Due to family difficulty mentioned previously, I don’t have a mum or sisters to rely on. There aren’t and never have been any female influences in my family since the passing of my mother. Perhaps I value female friendships more for that reason (who knows). I’m quite happy in my own company however and would never want to push anyone into giving more than they are able to. Like I said, I’m mindful that we all have our own shit to bear.

The purpose of this thread never was to enable me to reach a conclusion that my friend is an arsehole who should be lavishing me with attention.

I’m here to listen to other peoples’ Experiences. Simple as that. Stop trying to catch me out because it really is as simple as that.

I get where you’re coming from. Had a friend who was similar and it was pretty awkward. I haven’t read the whole thread but you seem to be getting a pretty hard time. There are some shitty people on here!
Hope the rest of your pregnancy and labour goes well. It’s all a totally incredible time and you don’t need negativity and mean spirited people clouding that so my advice is to get of mumsnet and enjoy it all with people who care to treasure it all with you!

Starabara, I'm sorry about your loss, but you're projecting your sadness and anger onto the OP. She has done nothing wrong.

Oh Mirialis. I’m a complete dick, you’ve blown my cover

Uh huh... I've never called you a dick and in fact have said it's not your fault etc. in this thread but you really are starting to lurch into angelic victim status here - you have told us you're not stupid, socially-aware, not self-obsessed, compassionate... so we know about some of your positive qualities but what about your friend's? As you've only said negative stuff about her and started a thread on MN to moan about her.

what do you want to know about her?

If people were talking about my close friend I really cared about on here the way they have done here I wouldn't stand by and not say something in her defence.

Why don't you try talking TO her rather than ABOUT her if you are so socially-aware and compassionate?

im currently struggling ttc for the past 4 years now, i dont like to talk about pregnancy, babies etc etc and distance myself from pregnant friends and things simply because its so painful for me, could the same for your friend ?

It’s rude not to ask how you’re feeling/how the pregnancy’s going IMO. Particularly if it’s a close friend.

In saying that some people are very self absorbed and don’t care or (what’s more likely the case) your pregnancy could be difficult for your friend for various reasons.

My best friend was a bit like this throughout my first pregnancy, she was single and although she had no desire to have a baby and wasn’t jealous, she found it hard to accept that her childhood friend was going through this new stage. So she just didn’t bring it up - ever! It was like a loss in a sense (she told me afterwards). She saw it as a death knell in our relationship as she thought our worlds would be too different to sustain our friendship. I, of course, didn’t see it this way at all and was very hurt that she withdrew somewhat when I most needed support. We got past it though and we’re still very good friends.

I wouldn’t say anything for now OP just focus on your baby and hopefully once you’re out of the crazy newborn stage you can get your friendship back on track if you’re willing and if your friend is willing.

Pregnancy and baby chat can just be difficult topics for some people. Here’s the deal with my 2 oldest friends (who I have kind of drifted apart from, mainly due to me leaving my hometown though)
One has been TTC for a while and sadly nothing has happened... she has always wanted to be mum ever since I’ve known her, even when we were kids. She understandably finds pregnancy and baby talk upsetting, she is happy for my having my DS and was sorry for the several losses I experienced but pregnancy and baby chat are just no-go topics in our conversations.
It helps that she is open about it being difficult.
My other friend just has zero interest in babies and often posts memes along the lines of it being an achievement to not have had a baby. We were drifting apart anyway prior to any baby talk as our interests couldn’t be more different nowadays.
I’d be open to waiting for your friend to come round in her own time... it may be she is finding it difficult for personal reasons, or maybe she just has no interest, or maybe your friendship has just came to a natural end. Either way leave the door open and if she shows she wants to continue the friendship then great and if not, don’t sweat it. Many friendships start to change after kids come along, just one of these things!

she just didn’t bring it up - ever! It was like a loss in a sense (she told me afterwards). She saw it as a death knell in our relationship as she thought our worlds would be too different to sustain our friendship. I, of course, didn’t see it this way at all and was very hurt that she withdrew somewhat when I most needed support

yes yes yes this @pernickety1

I’m very glad you patched it up. Mine have not been so lucky, you have a good friendship there. Treasure it x

Boring, boring - and a minefield, ( see numerous threads about what people shouldn't say about your pregnancies!).

What can she say except "Lovely!" when you mentioned the name. "Good" when you say you are well and "Oh I'm sorry to hear that" when you say you are feeling ill or tired. She could never say anything other than that - because anything else would be "rude".

I never discussed mine at all. I got on with my job and carried on with my life.

Yes cherish the friendship - and enjoy doing other things together

So how do you think you'll proceed OP?

To those saying DF can't face baby talk because of past/current hurt (which i suggested myself at the start of the thread) - DF is happy to do baby related chat with a mutual friend so that would seem not to be likely.

It's a strange one OP. Friendship dynamics are weird sometimes and out of our control. An old friend of mine has very obviously drifted off for good and i'm forever wondering exactly what set it off this time. We go back as far as primary school (so 40 years) and i'd given her a roof over her head for a year in the past and sat through countless evenings of going over her latest counceling sessions ect. I'd been a good mate. The last time wasn't the first time she'd gone NC with me - she's an odd one and drifts out of contact every 5 or 6 years, for a couple of years, only to breezily march back each time. I was used to it. But the last time was 10 years ago so i guess that's that. Lots of things were going on for me back then and this friend was definitely what i'd call a fair weather friend. We used to have a good laugh though and she's the only one who knew me from that far back. Sometimes you have to accept that friendships die. In your situation reading what you say about her i can't see there's much you actually get out of the relationship. It seems mostly on her terms ...

sorry for the ramble.

OP I would ignore and disengage with the posters who are just trying to tear you down for no apparent reason. I am so glad that the normal replies started rolling in! I was beginning to worry!
Some people have given a really helpful insight into why your friend could be behaving the way she is, but the bottom line is that she is supposed to be your friend. Friendship is a two way street and she is not being a good friend and that is hurtful to you.

I went through this with two friends when I was pregnant and they had been separate friends who I had introduced on occasion and then started meeting up without inviting me and posting it on social media which hurt me deeply. When I asked where my invite was they just said I pro ably wouldn't have come... one of them ghosted me completely even though I tried to be supportive as she was also over 30 and single. I think sometimes people just have issues they aren't dealing with and your friendship becomes a casualty of that. I was upset and then angry for ages as I had been incredibly supportive and had always thought she was the same .
People aren't always who we think they are. I really hope you have some other good friends around you and have a good support network. I'm very sorry for your losses, you sound lovely.
All the best .

Wow sorry for the second ramble ...
You can tell it's Friday tomorrow!