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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s a bit odd that friend doesn’t ever mention pregnancy?

186 replies

Howobvious · 02/01/2019 21:15

One of my closest friends never mentions my pregnancy/baby. I’m due next week and she has no idea (probably) unless she has a good memory from when I told her the DD at 12 weeks. Communication has dwindled a lot (used to speak daily by what’s app) but now she actively speaks about anything unrelated to babies when we do chat.

I really am not someone who is under the illusion that people are extremely interested so I don’t go on about it in the slightest but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a bit hurtful. My baby isnt that boring surely?! I know I will be too busy too give much thought when she arrives but it’s even at the stage where it will feel odd texting her to let her know he’s arrived, so I now plan to do it in a group WhatsApp chat that she’s a member of.

Anyone have any experience of this?

OP posts:
StarJazmin · 02/01/2019 21:42

Honestly OP she’s probably just not interested in pregnancy and babies, it’s a really dull topic of conversation for those of us it is irrelevant to.

PurpleFlower1983 · 02/01/2019 21:42

I love not talking about my pregnancy! (I’m 32 weeks.) Can I borrow your friend? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fair share of advice, lovely convos from mums but when someone talks about something non-related I love it and feel like me again!

BumDisease · 02/01/2019 21:44

No one cares about your pregnancy as much as you do.

Original poster
Howobvious · 02/01/2019 21:45

Purple flower, I’m talking about a complete and utter non interest in something happening in my life that’s rather a big deal. She never so much as commented on the name we chose which I thought must have taken a lot of effort.

I’m not interested in the job she does (not one bit, like I’m sure she isn’t in mine) but I still ask her about it and listen/show interest. Why is it so fashionable to declare babies utterly uninteresting to the extent that you actively avoid any mention?!

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/01/2019 21:46

Sadly some friendships slowly die off once someone has kids. I had one friend disappear right before my due date and another one who we are extremely distant with each other now due to her never really acknowledging my child. It’s not about talking endlessly about your baby with someone but a general interest with what is happening in each other’s lives...otherwise what is a friendship.

londonrach · 02/01/2019 21:46

Op theres not much you can say till after the birth. I suspect as others have said she ttc

mouthkisses · 02/01/2019 21:47

I think it's a bit strange. I understand that other people's kids are uninteresting, but pregnancy is rather fascinating and quite exciting as a bystander.

I was single and living with my parents when my best friend had a baby. I was exceptionally apprehensive about never having a partner/kids, but I was genuinely interested in her pregnancy and birth. Less so once her baby got a bit bigger, I admit. Ignoring a pregnancy (a huge life changing event for someone close to you) seems to be to be a bit overkill for 'not applicable to my life' and hints at either something much more painful underneath or her being a bit of an arse.

Twillow · 02/01/2019 21:47

Very likely has had a loss or difficulties ttc that she's not up to discussing. Try not to be offended, it's not your fault but the friendship may not recover this properly.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/01/2019 21:47

Why is it so fashionable to declare babies utterly uninteresting to the extent that you actively avoid any mention?!

So true! I happily talk about my friends dating, their jobs, their parents (mine are dead)- this kind of talk I’m supposed to relish but we darent not overly discuss my Child

Wolfiefan · 02/01/2019 21:47

It’s a big deal to you.
It isn’t to her.
If she doesn’t have children she likely knows very little about pregnancy and has neither the knowledge or frankly the inclination to ask about yours.
And BTW it’s best not to share the name until baby arrives. Or you might get responses you don’t like.

Original poster
Howobvious · 02/01/2019 21:48

This is precisely my point OnlyFools. I don’t find stories of her job interesting but I still ask because she’s my friend and the latest project she’s working on is important to her.

OP posts:
SerenDippitty · 02/01/2019 21:49

Why is someone ‘travelling’ held up as the most interesting thing a person can do?

Having a baby is held up as the most important and exciting thing a woman can do.

VanGoghsDog · 02/01/2019 21:49

My colleague is pregnant, I never ask about it.

Listening to people talk about pregnancy is almost as bad as listening to people describe their dreams.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/01/2019 21:50

What is there to say about an unborn baby? The only concrete thing to talk about is your experience of pregnancy. I don’t ask any of my friends very much about their medical conditions/symptoms. YABU.

Clarich007 · 02/01/2019 21:51

Spinster !! 😕

JamieOliversChickenNugget · 02/01/2019 21:51

You've not had it yet though. So what's to talk about, it's not like she can share birth experiences?
I think you need to be prepared for when baby is born the friendship won't necessarily be about your baby. It's like when a friend gets married, you say congrats and prob meet the husband a couple of times but your friend is the woman you always knew.
As awful as it is, and I'm a mother, I have no interest whatsoever in friends' babies. Will say congrats, get a pressie, prob remember Christmas. But I don't want to meet up with kids all the time.
Or she could have just had a termination, you don't know.
You seen to pity her being single though as though it's a lesser position than yours, she may feel the opposite as though pregnancy is the last thing she'd want?

JamieOliversChickenNugget · 02/01/2019 21:53

Having a baby is held up as the most important and exciting thing a woman can do
Tragic belief, women are far more than incubators.
My career was much more exciting than my children. I love them but they aren't the only thing. And the world is overpopulated, so it's not particularly important having them either.

Dosmamas · 02/01/2019 21:53

To be honest as much as I know this is hurtful and 5 years ago I would
Of hated a friend like me...I am your friend right now, it's selfish and cruel but I have disconnected from all my pregnant friends, I am the only gay one in our group of about 10 married girl-friends and I'm sick with envy at how easy it is for them to get pregnant whilst TTC myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sat here feeling sorry for myself, I know how vile and selfish this behaviour is, I just know I won't be able to change it until I have a baby of my own. Maybe she is going through that as well? Is insanely jealous of your relationship and stability, so to protect herself she is distancing herself from you.

Laiste · 02/01/2019 21:53

Why is someone ‘travelling’ held up as the most interesting thing a person can do? I say this as someone who’s quite well travelled.

I don't know really. Interesting question. I'm not particularly well traveled and have lots of kids Grin

Being simplistic i guess the personality type of someone who is happy to spend their life devoted to travel is going to be fairly opposite personality to the one who wishes to settle down and have children. Perhaps this is why they seem to clash a bit at certain points in life? One seeming to the other to be a bit narcistic, and one seeming to be a bit mundane?

MaisyPops · 02/01/2019 21:55

Why is it so fashionable to declare babies utterly uninteresting to the extent that you actively avoid any mention?!
I'm not sure it is.
I find baby chat is similar to wedding chat and ailments chat in that it's a big deal to the person involved but not that exciting to everyone else beyond brief mentions.

Things like travel and entertainment and work and broader topics have an openness for the conversation to flow and branch out. Baby/wedding/latest ailment chat by nature tends to be talk about me and this singular topic.

Xmasbaby11 · 02/01/2019 21:55

I do get what you mean. I am interested in my friend's life and this includes

Travel
Work
Fitness
Shopping
Friends of theirs I don't know
Hobbies
Etc

Basically all aspects of her life. Yet I am v careful not to mention my dc too much as she's clearly not interested!

Carmana · 02/01/2019 21:55

This thread is a bit pointless to be honest. Lots of people telling you the many possible reasons there could be for your friend not talking about your unborn child. Are you going to ask her? End your friendship over it? Or just keep speculating until the point of insanity?

She clearly doesn't want to talk about it. She's probably just not interested.

My friend just text me. She's pregnant, not well and has pre-eclampsia. I ask her 'how are you?' And that's it. I don't ask about baby or pregnancy. Not because I don't care but because if she wants to talk about it she will. I actually forget she's pregnant sometimes.

smokealarm · 02/01/2019 21:55
  1. NO ONE is particularly interested in your pregnancy/baby except you, your partner, and maybe some close members your family.
  1. She's single with no children, she just doesn't get it. You're at different stages in life and I think this friendship will slowly die. Don't worry though, you'll make loads of new mum friends Smile
Wholovesorangesoda · 02/01/2019 21:59

I'm another one who wonders if she is having problems/has had problems getting or staying pregnant. I've had a couple of friends who have got pregnant or given birth recently and I will ask questions and say all the right things to a point, but it gets to a point where I cant bear it any longer. We've been ttc very unsuccessfully for nearly 4 years, and similarly to dosmamas I'm sick with envy at how easy it is for everyone else. It does dial my enthusiasm down several notches.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/01/2019 22:00

Jesus. She’s the OP’s friend, and she hasn’t so much as asked “So how are you feeling? Got any names lined up?”

Others people’s lives are of interest to you if you have a little bit of imagination and give a shit. And aren’t completely self-focused.

If someone was droning on about anything - travel, babies, travelling with babies, whatever - then it would be dull.

But a friend being truthful about her experience and sharing her feelings? About whatever she’s going through at the time - in this case pregnancy...That’s what friendship is supposed to be partially based on isn’t it?!

OP YANBU,