To think it’s a bit odd that friend doesn’t ever mention pregnancy?

[Howobvious]

One of my closest friends never mentions my pregnancy/baby. I’m due next week and she has no idea (probably) unless she has a good memory from when I told her the DD at 12 weeks. Communication has dwindled a lot (used to speak daily by what’s app) but now she actively speaks about anything unrelated to babies when we do chat.

I really am not someone who is under the illusion that people are extremely interested so I don’t go on about it in the slightest but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a bit hurtful. My baby isnt that boring surely?! I know I will be too busy too give much thought when she arrives but it’s even at the stage where it will feel odd texting her to let her know he’s arrived, so I now plan to do it in a group WhatsApp chat that she’s a member of.

Anyone have any experience of this?

But I suppose my dilemma is that I can’t go on like this indefinitely. If I want to maintain a friendship with her, I can’t pretend I don’t have a baby or try to be a super cool mum (I’m her opinion, based on her “ew don’t be one of those parents) who would rather go out drinking all the time.

*based on her “ew don’t be one of those parents” comments

Carry on as you normally would. It's an exciting time for you. Don't let this spoil it.
You may find she's more enthusiastic when the baby is actually here. Or not. Also you might make other friends at baby groups or whatever.
You may also find when things have settled that you enjoy a night out with your friend where baby talk is off the table!
Enjoy this time and try to put this issue to one side

I haven't read the full thread, but I can relate to your friend. My best friend and I are both 30, and she had a baby in August after trying to conceive for a couple of years.

During that time I fell pregnant and had an abortion, exactly a year before she told me she was pregnant. I hadn't told her about it because I didn't want to upset her when she was struggling to conceive. I regretted the abortion hugely, despite openly never having wanted kids, and ended up with PTSD and was seriously struggling to cope and couldn't look at pregnant women or babies. When she told me she was pregnant I acted out how happy I was then went to the bathroom and was physically sick with upset.

I didn't ask her about her pregnancy much, and every scan photo and discussion about baby showers or whatever were like being stabbed, although halfway through her pregnancy I did tell her why I wasn't as talkative about it as she'd like (not that she look a blind bit of notice).

Anyway the point I'm trying to make in this long winded post is that you don't know what might be going on in her life that's causing her to avoid the issue.

Well I’d find it odd that a friend never mentioned anything about me being pregnant. Especially when she’s only 30, that’s still really young for having a baby.
But if she’s the type of person that doesn’t consider you when talking about her own life (from the way you describe her talking about her parents - she could be more sensitive) then she comes across as only interested in herself.

Especially when she’s only 30, that’s still really young for having a baby

I’m not sure that’s true.

Friendships and people are important. Maybe this is a time to just keep going with the friendship and adapt as best you can, hoping that in the future things will evolve again. I don’t agree with posters saying ditch the friendship because all of a sudden your needs aren’t being met in it.

I think it’s quite rude tbh. You have a major life changing happening and she hasn’t even mentioned it.

My children are older so I’m not overly interested in babies anymore but I would still ask how you were, how you were feeling and were you ‘ready’? Are you going back to work? Is the nursery decorated? And so on. It doesn’t have to be all nappies and sleepless nights conversation.

Personally I would be reconsidering the friendship. She’s not interested in you to even ask a simple question about the pregnancy but will tell you all about her life.

I think friendships change during your life. Especially if one of you has a baby. Your first pregnancy and baby is pretty consuming and it's easy to lose friends who aren't in that situation. I've been in both your situation and possibly your friend's. At 30 I was "very single" and wanted so much to be a mum but thought it would never happen for me. Other people's pregnancies and babies were difficult and upsetting although I would try not to show it. I was so envious of these friends.

Fast forward a few years to when I became pregnant and I also lost a friend or two along the way and tended to seek out other parents.

Fast forward even more years to when the babies are fast growing up and I've found some old friendships becoming closer again and common ground found again.

Enjoy your pregnancy. Try not to judge your friend - who knows what she's going through. She might be driving away from you in tears like I used to do sometimes. I'm not saying that's right, or helpful or healthy but maybe she can't help herself. Maybe she's just not interested in babies. Just focus on different friendships and gravitate towards people you want to be with.

It all pans out in the end and the friendships that really matter tend to survive everything that gets thrown at them.

I suspect she probably just has no way to relate to this experience for you and is worried that it will change things / she will not be your priority anymore or be able to relate to you / you won't want to do the same things anymore. It could even be that if you don't mention it much she might just be trying to hold on to the old relationship dynamic, or might think you are talking to her because you are fed up of everyone talking to you about the baby all the time.

If this is making you question your friendship anyway then just ask her.
"I really enjoy our friendship but I am curious as to why you never ask about my pregnancy? This is a big thing happening in my life now and I would love to be able to freely speak to you about this." or something along those lines, something not too accusatory.

Best of luck OP and I hope you are otherwise enjoying your pregnancy!

They say you find out your true friends when you have a baby.

I lost one or 2 friends when I had my baby as I was no longer available for last minute nights out at the pub or dinner etc it got to the point where I wasn't even asked which hurt more.

Now 3 years on I have a great group of friends who supported me through a recent miscarriage and been there for me.

I think the problem is more with your friend and not yourself even though your hormones will be making it seem worse.

Perhaps your friend has had some fertility issues herself in the past or she's at a seriously different stage in her life. Either way in a few weeks she'll either congratulate you or you'll no longer hear from her.

Once you have your beautiful baby in your arms it won't matter.
Enjoy your precious baby and believe me once you go to baby classes you'll meet a group of new friends who will be in exactly the same situation as yourself.

I think @smokealarm makes the point pretty scarily uncompromisingly well.

I had some weird reactions to my pregnancy; I was 34 at the time and felt like I’d betrayed some of my friends as that’s what the reaction was like. One really froze me out, the others basically ceased keeping in touch/inviting me anywhere.

Turns out one was going through real TTC issues (she’s had a baby now but still cut me dead) and the others just consigned me to the dustbin as I wasn’t good for quaffing wine night after night in the bars of Canary Wharf.

It is true - nobody wants to hear chapter and verse about anyone’s pregnancy - but you strike me as being fake in expecting a degree of interest from a mate about something deeply important to you.

I have always been happy to talk about friends' babies but I have never understood what there is to talk about with pregnancy. I am pregnant at the moment and barely talk about it with my DH, let alone anyone else. What's there to talk about?

but you strike me as being fake in expecting a degree of interest from a mate about something deeply important to you

WHAT THE FUCK AUTO CORRECT

not fake - I meant fair

Jesus

My best friend had fuck all interest in any of my pregnancies and I really didn’t mind at all, wouldn’t have expected it because it’s not their style. I also accepted the fact the world did not revolve around me just because I was pregnant.

You have dismissed comments from PP’s about it being due to previous losses. I had a couple of losses in 2017 (feels weird saying two years ago...) and it broke my heart to the extent I couldn’t look at a pregnant woman/newborn without breaking down. If you haven’t experienced loss before it’s impossible to understand but it’s excruciatingly painful. I wouldn’t be quick to ditch her friendship if I were you.

It doesn’t have to be all nappies and sleepless nights conversation

Exactly. It sounds like she's not even making the most superficial effort in 4 occasions.

You won't see her for dust when the baby comes.

Are you due to see her again?

She never so much as commented on the name we chose which I thought must have taken a lot of effort

What is she supposed to say to that? Two words: "that's nice" Because you can't really discuss that, can you. And she can hardly say "I don't like that name" and cause World War III!

You are both now at very different stages in your lives. It happens a lot. Very soon you will be lost completely in your baby bubble and your friend could be lost to a new boyfriend etc. You will make new like minded friends. It's not your friends fault. She can't relate to your situation.

Good luck with your baby, exciting times ahead.

Is she following your lead because you aren’t mentioning it?

When my friends have been pregnant I’ve been very conscious of not wanting to contribute to any feelings of loss of identity etc by solely focusing on the pregnancy. So I tend to follow their lead - happy to talk about it if they are, but won’t bring it up if they don’t. Could your friend be doing similar? She maybe thinks it’s helpful for you to have things continue as they used to be.

(Might be barking up the wrong tree!)

Is she used to feeling like the 'lucky' one because she still has her parents and now things have changed and you will have something (a baby) that she doesn't have?

perhaps she is struggling with being single and not having kids, or perhaps she's perfectly happy that way and just isn't interested. I have less than zero interest in having kids, talking about kids, being around kids, or other people's kids. I have a friend who recently announced they were pregnant - I congratulated her and asked how she was getting on, but beyond that, I don't really see the need to mention it again. If she brings it up I will obviously make the right noises but I can't see why it's something I'd initiate a conversation about. I'll congratulate her when it's born obviously, but again, I'd expect her as the mother to be the one to bring it up if she wants to talk about it!

When I was in a long ttc journey my cousin got pregnant and I found it so hard to even think about because of how much I wished I was in the same boat. We are so close and I was really happy for her, but I simply couldn't find words to say because it was so painful. That might not be what's going on with your friend but I would try and tread carefully and sensitively -- she might not be ignoring the topic out of spite. Hope you find a way to reconnect with her.

At 30 I was single and definitely NOT wanting to get pregnant and settle down. I only had one friend who got pregnant at that age (everyone else started a few years later). I of course asked her how she was etc. but have to say I was really uninterested in the whole thing. For a good few years, she socialised more with her new NCT friends etc. but we are still good friends - quite normal to drift a bit at this stage. If the friendship is strong enough it will survive the divergence of paths at this stage. You're a bit bored by her life, she's a bit bored by yours.

She could be being polite?

I never really mentioned my pregnancy or anyone else’s unless they bought it up first as I saw it as a ‘medical’ thing and I/lots of others are really private about medical stuff.
I’d worry about being rude if I mentioned someone’s pregnancy without them talking about it first other than saying a general ‘how are you doing?’

She sounds very self absorbed. You're right op, it's normal social interaction to ask how's work/your diet/ your new kitchen? No one actual cares but we show an interest in things that are important to our friends.

She is clearly showing you she not only isn't remotely interested in a major life event, but she's also a fairly unpleasant person to not even try and pretend. When you said you were doing the nursery all she had to say was oh how exciting. You've listened to years of her boring work/travel tales.

I would just let it go. You don't need people like this sad though it is when friendships fizzle.