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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s a bit odd that friend doesn’t ever mention pregnancy?

186 replies

Howobvious · 02/01/2019 21:15

One of my closest friends never mentions my pregnancy/baby. I’m due next week and she has no idea (probably) unless she has a good memory from when I told her the DD at 12 weeks. Communication has dwindled a lot (used to speak daily by what’s app) but now she actively speaks about anything unrelated to babies when we do chat.

I really am not someone who is under the illusion that people are extremely interested so I don’t go on about it in the slightest but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a bit hurtful. My baby isnt that boring surely?! I know I will be too busy too give much thought when she arrives but it’s even at the stage where it will feel odd texting her to let her know he’s arrived, so I now plan to do it in a group WhatsApp chat that she’s a member of.

Anyone have any experience of this?

OP posts:
Puffinhead · 02/01/2019 22:25

You mention that she talks a lot about herself. Does she ever ask about you and your life? It could be that your pregnancy is painful to her as pp have suggested (in some way or other) but it could also be that she’s not that good a friend to you - expects you to be there to listen to her IYSWIM. Apologies if you don’t feel that’s the case but if she’s like this now I don’t think it’s going to improve once the baby is born. And I do think the least she could do is feign some kind of interest - in YOU!

OldPosterNewUsername · 02/01/2019 22:27

There is nothing as uninteresting as other people's babies

Dogsmellssobadbob · 02/01/2019 22:29

She’s being a bad friend

Friends ask about whatever is going on in other friends life irrespective of whether they are invested in such a situation themselves

My friend loves photography- I find it full but I still ask her about her exhibitions and trips of course I do. She asks about my job even tho it almost certainly holds no direct interest to her.

Having a baby is a massive thing like it or not and choosing to actively completely blank it from conversation is a horrible thing to do

Send a group WA and don’t engage with her OP. She isn’t the friend she once was and you can do better

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/01/2019 22:30

There is nothing as uninteresting as other people's babies....err yep, stories of random
dates that never go anywhere

Rednaxela · 02/01/2019 22:31

You and she are at totally different life stages now. No point dragging it out as an agonising decline. Both of are going to need new friends OP!

Lovinglifemostly · 02/01/2019 22:31

One of my closest friends couldn’t even tell you the names of my children. I don’t take offence. She has her own life and career and no children of her own. She did however ask how my pregnancies were going and occasionally asks how the kids are. I adore my friend and actually it’s nice to talk about stuff other than kids sometimes.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/01/2019 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/01/2019 22:34

Ignore- posted on the wrong post. Have asked mn to remove- sorry

Yabbers · 02/01/2019 22:37

It wouldn’t occur to me to find a conversation about her parents dull simply because I absolutely cannot relate to a life where I have a mother who takes me on lots of fab little trips etc etc. I’m always happy to hear about them even if it is tinged with some sadness.

Good for you. Other people find that sort thing hard to deal with. Not everyone is like you and not everything is about you. You just have to look at any thread here where people kick off about their mums and dozens of people will comment how hard it is to read, having lost their mums.

DD is unable to do the dance or gymnastics her friends can. I cannot bear to see or hear their parents proudly going on about it. If that makes me a shitty person, so be it. It stops me dissolving in tears.

Your friend could have any number of reasons for not wanting to discuss your pregnancy. You’ve chosen to judge her rather than talking to her about it.

she can start to fill their heads with wonderful stories of traveling the wide world
@Laiste - she sounds wonderful, I’d love to meet her😀

PurpleDaisies · 02/01/2019 22:38

I had 2 close female friends the same age as me, 1 who when I was pregnant would ask me every day about the baby and talk to me loads,

What is there to say about the baby that justifies daily questioning before it is born? Confused

Osirus · 02/01/2019 22:38

I am similar to your friend regarding a family member. For me, it’s as a result of previous infertility and not being able to just have a baby when we choose to. We do have one child through IVF (family don’t know we had treatment). My family member is on her third, perfectly timed pregnancy and I can’t even think about a second child. It’s really painful to hear her talking about how she planned the pregnancy and how things are going. I struggle to hold back tears.

Yes, it seems cold and horrible. But I really cannot change how I feel about it. Luckily, I don’t see her very often and she barely talks to me either (never has).

Yidette86 · 02/01/2019 22:41

I find other people's pregnancies and children so boring to be fair, I have my own and got bored of talking about my pregnancy but would out of politeness to those who were interested.

Everyone is different, some will do the boring chatter out of politeness and some won't bother unless it's mentioned but won't go all in.

MissB83 · 02/01/2019 22:41

I have friends who I disconnected from a bit before I had my DS and then reconnected with again once I had him as I found it easier to find common ground with them again. It can be hard when your friend/s are at a different stage of life to you; I certainly felt like most of my friends were leaving me behind and was very envious. This might apply to your friend too. I didn't really want to talk too much about their pregnancies or just didn't really know enough to know what to ask. Now it is something which I do understand more and would be able to chat about more with someone.

As some people have said, the dynamics of certain friendships will change once baby arrives, but it will work itself out. It's best to focus on your baby, family and wellbeing and your true friends will always come back to you.

PickleSarnie · 02/01/2019 22:44

When I was 30, I was very single and very conscious of a loud clock ticking. I was panicking that I'd never meet anyone in time and would never have children.

All at the same time as all my friends seemed to be getting pregnant. I cried (not in front of them obviously) every time another one announced their pregnancy. Obviously I was happy for them but I certainly didn't go out of my way to talk to them about it

Caaarrrl · 02/01/2019 22:44

OP I know exactly what you mean and how you feel. Many years ago, I had a similar situation with my only sister. She even hung up on me when I phoned her to tell I was pregnant with my first child. She never showed any interest in the pregnancy at all. It did improve slightly when DD was born.
She confided in me years later after we had both ended up with 2 children each. She had been persuaded in to having a termination just shortly before I announced my pregnancy. She regretted the way that she had behaved and I understood, but wished that she could have talked to me at the time. She did not want to spoil my pregnancy and found it too difficult to discuss the termination as she had found it a very difficult decision to make.

Yidette86 · 02/01/2019 22:45

Oh and to be honest I don't go out my way to discuss things I find boring like others jobs or hobbies, I'll acknowledge a conversation if brought up but if I don't find it interesting I find it hard to engage.

ChesterGreySideboard · 02/01/2019 22:49

When I was ttcing/ having ivf/ having a miscarriage I couldn’t stand to talk about pregnancy.

peachypetite · 02/01/2019 22:50

SHes single and 30, it's probably really hard for her.

Tonsilss · 02/01/2019 22:56

It's very very very boring. Babies are only even a little bit interesting once they're born and doing stuff. Why are you mentioning it to her at all? And you realise that she may have a reason, other than not being interested (and believe me, no-one except you, the baby's father and possibly your mum is) for not talking about it, but are still bringing the subject up?!!!! Give her a break.

SB1013 · 02/01/2019 23:03

Maybe the OP finds her friends life boring but she still politely listens and asks about it. She also puts up with the stories about her friends mum which she probably finds painful at times. It's called being a friend and sorry but this woman isn't a nice friend to not be asking you about the most important thing going on in your life right now. I'd distance myself to be honest and concentrate on the friends who give a shit

Original poster
Howobvious · 02/01/2019 23:03

tonsills - ever single thing you berate me for in your post bears zero relevance to what I have described Grin and I don’t mention it to her!!!

OP posts:
emmaliz · 02/01/2019 23:24

I agree with you OP. If she is your friend then surely she'd be up for discussing your pregnancy just a little bit. Unless of course there is reasons that make it hurtful for her?
How close are you? I would discuss this with her face to face.
If she's not interested purely because she is bored I think that's quite selfish.

Original poster
Howobvious · 02/01/2019 23:42

Thanks Emmaliz. She’s never explicitly mentioned a particular reason why babies might be hurtful to her and in fact I discussed this with another mutual friend with a 6 month old baby and she commented that said friend was very interested in the process, or at least appeared to be. It’s probably relevant to point out that they aren’t as close as us though. It’s obvious that she feels that the baby will change things between us which I can’t help but I have always said to DH that I plan to see her where possible and I don’t want to become too absorbed in baby that I neglect friendships. I feel less inclined to make an enormous effort now given that she has shown such little interest and I can’t downplay my baby just because she finds it all a bit cringe, or whatever.

OP posts:
ID81241 · 02/01/2019 23:43

Pregnancy is incredibly boring, including my own...I can't sustain a conversation about it past two questions anyway and always change topic. I find labour stories/ convos interesting though (especially the gory details)! She might be bored or as others have said, she might be finding it hard herself if she's feeling broody.

Original poster
Howobvious · 02/01/2019 23:44

However, irrespective of this, I’m extremely mindful that she may be struggling with being single and wanting a baby. This is especially why I don’t push it with her. When I mentioned it briefly early on to test the water (kind of, that turn of phrase sounds weird written down) And she didn’t show interest, I didn’t push it. I only mentioned it if she, for example, asked what I’d done at the weekend and I replied: “we did the nursery”. Small things like that.

OP posts: