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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH huge rows with nearly 2 year old

242 replies

MoaningSickness · 02/01/2019 19:17

So my 21 month old is gorgeous and wonderful and of course, irritating as fuck in that way that only a toddler can be.

I mostly manage not to scream and gnash my teeth when I realise she has managed to smuggle food down her shirt from lunch and lovingly spread in on the sofa, or Andrew puppied the loo roll... But DH is getting increasingly cross with her, for what I consider to be normal behaviour for her age.

I popped out this evening as they went into the bathroom. When I returned, they were still in there, she was wailing, and he gave a massive tirade about how she had done X,Y and Z and made a mess 'even when he asked her not to' and apparently they had been locked in a 45 minute stand off where he said they weren't leaving the room til she tidied away the mess she had made and she was refusing/crying.

I told DH to go take a moment and regain his calm, he accused me of undermining him, I said I would get her to tidy but he needed to calm down, so he went and we tidied.

I tried to talk to him later, but he kept saying she needs to learn she can't make a mess, etc, and I think she is just to young to really get the consequences of her actions. He says she is old enough to understand 'no'.

I don't think it helps that she is very verbal so she appears older than she is. For example she will say 'sorry' if you tell her to, but I don't think she understands the concept of being sorry at all. Or DH will get her to say she promises she won't do X, which she faithfully parrots, but I don't believe she has the faintest idea what a 'promise' is, so it's hardly surprising when she does the thing two minutes later.

I don't want to undermine him, but when I came in and he launched into 'she did this, she did that' it was more like listening to a sibling telling tales on how it is all the other child's fault than a 40 year old talking about a 1 year old.

I think DH and I have very different ideas about the level of behaviour to expect from a child her age, and I don't honestly know which of us is off base. Aibu or is he?

OP posts:
userschmoozer · 02/01/2019 22:00

He's being confrontational, when he could be teaching her how to be co-operative. Suggest they do things together and see how he reacts.

KatnissMellark · 02/01/2019 22:01

Iterative ways, not interactive! Ie. baby steps.

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2019 22:01

Just that they were sat there with him refusing to let her out/move on to something else til she put back a bunch of things she had pulled out (something she physically can do).

Whereas if he'd made a game/race of it she'd have done it in a heartbeat.

And I'll only be convinced on the Counting to Ten thing if she can do it anywhere with anything, consistently.

Bambamber · 02/01/2019 22:02

He is a fucking idiot

Hasanyoneseenthecat · 02/01/2019 22:02

they had been locked in a 45 minute stand off where he said they weren't leaving the room til she tidied away the mess she had made and she was refusing/crying. I told DH to go take a moment and regain his calm, he accused me of undermining him, I said I would get her to tidy but he needed to calm down

You also say they have huge rows and that he gets angrier and feels he can’t back down. But she is a baby! Backing down from what? A baby? Does he not realise how totally unhinged this sounds? I think what you’re missing is that this is quite alarming behaviour to many of us on here.

She was wailing when you got in. DH must have been pretty worked up to have to leave and calm down. I don’t want to criticise you as a concerned parent. It sounds like you have good instincts and are aware that your DH has trouble controlling himself and responding healthily to normal toddler behaviour.

I hope he can learn about child development, which might help him empathise and realise there’s no point getting worked up about stuff your daughter is incapable of doing. As I said before though, if he can’t get a hold of his temper there’s a bigger problem here and he could do with professional help

hiddeneverythin · 02/01/2019 22:03

She's a baby?

MyLearnedFriend · 02/01/2019 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bastardkitty · 02/01/2019 22:09

He's a fucking idiot and you OP are way too tolerant of his inappropriate behaviour.

Silkie2 · 02/01/2019 22:12

The years to 3 years old are the most important in a humans life developmentally, being told off repeatedly by the people who are supposed to love and nurture her is awful. It. Is inexcusable that you don't have time to read books on child development. Never mind - you have the next 16 years to deal with the damage you are doing now.

Original poster
MoaningSickness · 02/01/2019 22:27

You also say they have huge rows and that he gets angrier and feels he can’t back down. But she is a baby! Backing down from what?

Yes, but I've clarifed what I mean by 'row', by describing the worst example and it's not shouting.

And the not backing down is about him setting an unrealistic 'boundary' then wanting to be consistent and not go back on it.

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 02/01/2019 22:30

Oh come on, he could make a bit of time, he'd just need to see it as a priority.

He could use his lunch break/commute to listen to an audio book or read up on it for example.

Original poster
MoaningSickness · 02/01/2019 22:32

And I'll only be convinced on the Counting to Ten thing if she can do it anywhere with anything

She can. But I'm not being believed on anything else I've said so I'm sure people will decide I'm randomly lying on that too Hmm.

OP posts:
Girliefriendlikesflowers · 02/01/2019 22:34

I think this is a bit of a worry given she is not even two yet! Kids don't exactly get less argumentative as they get older.....

I would be pretty concerned if I was you op tbh having a 45 min stand off with a baby is really bad.

Rednaxela · 02/01/2019 22:36

You're in denial about how bad this is OP. When you came back and found the scene in the bathroom you must have felt utterly sick to your stomach. Afraid. Mortified.

Can you just admit to those feelings?

Yes some of the posts here have been harsh. It doesn't mean they are wrong.

AssassinatedBeauty · 02/01/2019 22:38

The numbers thing is a distraction, being good at one specific skill does not at all mean that her overall social and behavioural development is way ahead of typical children her age. And it is no reason to excuse the kind of treatment she is getting from her father.

Notanotheruser111 · 02/01/2019 22:40

Your little girl sounds very bright, perhaps his expectations aren’t to high but the way he did it is. He’s turning it into a battle rather then teaching her anything. He needs to work out how to control the frustration when she won’t do what he says. So techniques like turning into a game. let’s see how fast you can pick up these things, or can you find the yellow whatever.

Using first and then, first we clean then we can have a game of chase or something she likes. My point being perhaps he needs some concrete techniques to use to avoid the escalation

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 02/01/2019 22:40

op 'you said he wouldn't let her out, move on' for 45 mins??! That is hideous, normal parenting would be to take the baby out of the bath, have a nice cuddle, put pjs on and read a story.

Then go and survey the collateral damage in the bathroom!!

Not normal to trap a baby in the bath and demand she tidy up after herself, how you can justify his behaviour is beyond me tbh.

Hasanyoneseenthecat · 02/01/2019 22:40

Rows are by definition noisy arguments or serious disagreements. Having either with a 21 month old baby is not cool. Sounds like you are playing it down and minimising his behaviour now OP.

I wish you and your family the best of luck. Seems like your DH needs help, I hope for the sake of your little one he gets it

KatnissMellark · 02/01/2019 22:42

@moaningsickness I don't think this is irretrievable as is being made out by some posters. It's not good-obviously. But your DH is modelling 70s/80s parents which he was probably subject to himself. Times have moved on and he needs to catch up. There's a good child/toddler development programme available on iPlayer at the moment- if he can't read a book, he can spare an hour to watch that surely? He needs to see more kids her age. Perhaps have a look at the ages and stages questionaires online to understand her development. Or ask your HV-mine is currently offering an e learning on behaviour management.

LadyHOfH · 02/01/2019 22:42

And when she was about 18 months and DH told me he was teaching her to count I laughed, but then a month later she could properly count up to ten toys - so my ideas of what a one year old can understand or not are not always perfect

Oh, OP. Nobody's idea of what a small child can understand is perfect. And all children are different. And so on.

But this gives you no reason to minimise your DH's behaviour towards your daughter (which is what you are doing in the bit of your post which I've quoted). I recognise it, because I did it too. I also recognise the scenario of the parent who starts 'tale-telling' about what the child has said and done. I know it is more or less impossible to get your mind round the fact that the man you love/d enough to have children with is able to act like this. You think it must be an anomaly. He had just had a bad day. He hadn't had enough sleep. He was upset about something else, and was taking it out on her. All small children can be really annoying. Etcetera.

I'm not saying your situation is the same as mine was, and I'm not saying you should LTB. However, I do think you need to make it crystal clear to him that he has to change the way he deals with toddler behaviour NOW. Everyone can have a horrible day and there can't be a parent alive who hasn't done things they regret. But this kind of behaviour isn't a spur of the moment thing: it is something that becomes entrenched. It will damage your daughter if it is allowed to persist. Please don't let it.

Books are fine, but I know people have also found parenting courses helpful. I tried to convince my XH to go on one, but he just said everything was fine, and he would just try harder. He would then 'try harder' for weeks. But then there would be another outburst because he had locked horns with a child.

I would never have chosen to be in the situation I'm in now, and I just wish I had 'forced' DH to get some kind of help when the DC were toddlers (he was great with them when they were babies).

LadyHOfH · 02/01/2019 22:46

And the not backing down is about him setting an unrealistic 'boundary' then wanting to be consistent and not go back on it

Oh God, this too. Please, no. I have also been there. Your DH can change this, if he wants to. Consistency is good. What he is advocating is not consistency. It is him being in the right, all the time.

Original poster
MoaningSickness · 02/01/2019 22:46

The numbers thing is a distraction, being good at one specific skill does not at all mean that her overall social and behavioural development is way ahead of typical children her age.

No, that was exactly my point. I think DH treats her like she is older because she can do a couple of things. But it also means that when I say 'she can't possibly understand the consequences' he doesn't really believe me, because he sees her doing other things I thought a child her age couldn't do.

OP posts:
tootiredtospeak · 02/01/2019 22:48

Idiotic my DD has just turned 2 and she understands no and that she made a mess however, she wouldnt get she had to tidy a room to leave.

LadyHOfH · 02/01/2019 22:49

@MoaningSickness, I think you're getting bogged down with quasi philosophical and abstract musings about child development, and not thinking about the essential issue, namely your DH's way of dealing with your own daughter.

AssassinatedBeauty · 02/01/2019 22:51

Have you looked, together or separately, at the early years framework that is used in nurseries? It shows a range of areas of development and what is expected. It's really useful for looking at development in different areas, and also shows that a child can be ahead in one area and average in another. And that this changes over time.

Does she go to nursery and have you had any reports from them?

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