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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH huge rows with nearly 2 year old

242 replies

MoaningSickness · 02/01/2019 19:17

So my 21 month old is gorgeous and wonderful and of course, irritating as fuck in that way that only a toddler can be.

I mostly manage not to scream and gnash my teeth when I realise she has managed to smuggle food down her shirt from lunch and lovingly spread in on the sofa, or Andrew puppied the loo roll... But DH is getting increasingly cross with her, for what I consider to be normal behaviour for her age.

I popped out this evening as they went into the bathroom. When I returned, they were still in there, she was wailing, and he gave a massive tirade about how she had done X,Y and Z and made a mess 'even when he asked her not to' and apparently they had been locked in a 45 minute stand off where he said they weren't leaving the room til she tidied away the mess she had made and she was refusing/crying.

I told DH to go take a moment and regain his calm, he accused me of undermining him, I said I would get her to tidy but he needed to calm down, so he went and we tidied.

I tried to talk to him later, but he kept saying she needs to learn she can't make a mess, etc, and I think she is just to young to really get the consequences of her actions. He says she is old enough to understand 'no'.

I don't think it helps that she is very verbal so she appears older than she is. For example she will say 'sorry' if you tell her to, but I don't think she understands the concept of being sorry at all. Or DH will get her to say she promises she won't do X, which she faithfully parrots, but I don't believe she has the faintest idea what a 'promise' is, so it's hardly surprising when she does the thing two minutes later.

I don't want to undermine him, but when I came in and he launched into 'she did this, she did that' it was more like listening to a sibling telling tales on how it is all the other child's fault than a 40 year old talking about a 1 year old.

I think DH and I have very different ideas about the level of behaviour to expect from a child her age, and I don't honestly know which of us is off base. Aibu or is he?

OP posts:
Serialweightwatcher · 02/01/2019 19:32

That's really awful behaviour from him - what a tosser - she's not even 2 yet!!! All he's doing is teaching her to argue and rant like a prat when she's older and hurting her emotionally now Angry

JudasPrudy · 02/01/2019 19:33

If I caught DH having a 45 minute tirade against my toddler I'd LTB.

waterrat · 02/01/2019 19:33

Your child is a baby still. You need to sit him down calmly and tell him his expectations of his child are completely unrealistic. I would be quite worried about this...does he spend any time with other children ? Why is he so angry?

I would be concerned about that level of anger and frustration even if your child was older but it would at least be realistic. Going ballistic at a toddler is ludicrous.

BeardyButton · 02/01/2019 19:35

I'm with you. I get this too. Not from DH, but from MIL. She's a baby. She doesn't understand consequences (not really) and she doesn't understand her emotions. Everything feels very big and confusing for her - especially anger. Hence toddler tantrums. We have to teach our children how to manage emotions how to self regulate, not expect it from them. She (and my son) need to see that their emotions need not be scary, they can handle them, and they can regulate their own behaviour. I'm of the mind that the only way they can learn this is from their parents remaining calm, even when they are at their most trying. Showing them that their outbursts don't scare their parents, so....

I try to just stand by while my son is tantruming, giving the odd 'I know, I know', then when he's ready I hug him and explain why he isn't allowed another blippi (I bloody hate blippi). It's so tough not to lose my cool though. I try to remind myself that I might lose my cool w him sometimes and reprimand him, and that's not great but understandable. But that it's not good parenting to do this. My mil thinks good parenting is about 'boundaries' and constant rules and constant policing of behaviour and reprimands when he doesn't do as she expects. I can see the look of disappointment in my sons eyes when he (inevitably) can't live up to her expectations. Horrible.

Clearly, my son would watch the ipad all day long, and eat nothing but coco pops, if he had his way. But I think there must be a middle ground. I hate the idea of breaking his will by constantly demanding perfect behaviour of a small little boy who is just learning.

FissionChips · 02/01/2019 19:39

If I caught DH having a 45 minute tirade against my toddler I'd LTB

If my DH has a 45 min tirade at me and wouldn’t let me leave the room I’d LTB!

jessstan2 · 02/01/2019 19:39

She's only a baby and her behaviour is quite normal. Your husband was in the wrong, he must not do that again!

Quartz2208 · 02/01/2019 19:39

He needs a parenting course really but at the very least read a book

You cant row with a 2 year old FFS

FFSFFSFFS · 02/01/2019 19:39

They're not "having a row" - he is emotionally abusing her.

During a key emotional development stage. This will fuck her up for life.

candlefloozy · 02/01/2019 19:41

Sounds just like my husband!!!!

Thisonewilldo · 02/01/2019 19:41

I have found myself in a few stand-offs with my 2 year old to be honest. Where she has worn me down with her constant tantrums and the non stop hitting of her older brother.

Not proud of myself for it and they have never lasted 45 minutes, more like 5 and I never 'win' surprisingly.

I take it this is his first DC? He needs to havs more realiatic expectations.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 02/01/2019 19:42

Your 21 month old is an oversized baby on feet, essentially.

Your DH is a fuckwit and a bully who has zero understanding of child development.

Parenting class, pronto. Or you are going to have serious problems.

LadyHofH · 02/01/2019 19:42

Nip this in the bud right now, OP. You could have been describing my XH as he was with our (then) toddlers. He absolutely has to sort it out, or it will wreck your children and your marriage.

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2019 19:42

FFSFFSFFS

^ What they said.

Your DH is being a shit father. Just sayin.

Maryann1975 · 02/01/2019 19:42

I’m a chilminder. I have no idea why parents make such a big deal out of a small child saying sorry. They have no idea what it means and Are only saying it because they have been told to say it, not because they mean it. So a pointless exercise all round really. Far better to put your efforts in to dealing with the wronged party (eg the child who was pushed or bitten, explaining that they are sad because they were pushed/bitten-trying to develop empathy in the child).
If you say ‘you can’t play until you’ve said sorry’ you are not teaching the child to feel sorry, you are teaching them to say a word so they can go and play again.

It’s difficult, but hopefully modelling good behaviour yourself, encouraging your dc to join in, (eg shall we put the toys away together, this is how we do it) is a better way to parent rather than a 45 minute stand off (but then you know that already, it’s your dh that needs convincing- I suggest maybe a session at a parent and child group so he can see how other toddlers play.

Believeitornot · 02/01/2019 19:43

he launched into 'she did this, she did that' it was more like listening to a sibling telling tales on how it is all the other child's fault than a 40 year old talking about a 1 year old

This really stood out for me.

My dh is a bit like this - it’s a bit pathetic and I’m always telling him he’s the fucking adult.

He cannot pull the “undermining” card every time he’s caught being a dick. His response sounded defensive and I dread to think how he was before you arrived.

He needs to read some parenting books - or better - listen to an audio book which stops you from skipping parts.

FeeLock28 · 02/01/2019 19:44

It sounds as though he's suffering from a bit of jealousy, either because you seem to have a better handle on your daughter, or because your role has changed towards him. Definitely suggest 'Toddler Taming' for him to read.

AliceScarlett · 02/01/2019 19:46

This is not acceptable. The amount of cortisol that will have been swilling about her little viens. Not okay. Please intervene and help her.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 02/01/2019 19:46

He needs parenting classes or else to leave

category12 · 02/01/2019 19:46

He needs a kick up the arse and parenting classes.

If he continues like this, you'll need to leave the bastard for your child's sake.

Lifeofsmiley · 02/01/2019 19:48

I’m actually shocked reading this. You know he is being u not you. Protect your daughter from this monstrosity of father .

ClarabellaCTL · 02/01/2019 19:48

Your poor baby, seriously I would not allow that. I think most parents lose the plot and shout when they shouldn't at some point. But for 45 minutes? And it sounds like this is not a one-off occurrence? Nope. He needs to learn how to parent and you need to protect your daughter. If he feels 'undermined', that's just tough.

Sparkles07 · 02/01/2019 19:49

45 minutes?!? If he’d done it for 5 I would have said it was too much! Like she even remembered what happened 45 minutes ago?!? He’s being a dick and he either needs to change, go on a PPP or some other parenting course, or leave. He is abusive.

BendingSpoons · 02/01/2019 19:50

It sounds like your DH is trying to follow through on his word (a good thing!) but is pitching it too high. He needs to control the situation e.g. don't give her a bucket in the bath if she will pour water on the floor and as she grows have consequences that are simple and easy to enforce e.g. If you pour water again the bucket goes away (too verbal for now probably!). Otherwise he will back himself into a corner saying things like 'we are staying here til you tidy it all'.

AssassinatedBeauty · 02/01/2019 19:50

She's not even two. She is a baby. I am shocked at his behaviour and his completely wrong expectations.

What is he like generally? Is he going to be able to listen to you if you tell him in detail how wrong he is? Or will he get angry at you to?

What I'm getting at here is how likely he is to be able to change, and quickly,because this cannot continue. I would not leave him alone with her from now on until I was confident he knew the basics of parenting.

malovitt · 02/01/2019 19:51

Show him this: What to expect when

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