DH huge rows with nearly 2 year old

[MoaningSickness]

So my 21 month old is gorgeous and wonderful and of course, irritating as fuck in that way that only a toddler can be.

I mostly manage not to scream and gnash my teeth when I realise she has managed to smuggle food down her shirt from lunch and lovingly spread in on the sofa, or Andrew puppied the loo roll... But DH is getting increasingly cross with her, for what I consider to be normal behaviour for her age.

I popped out this evening as they went into the bathroom. When I returned, they were still in there, she was wailing, and he gave a massive tirade about how she had done X,Y and Z and made a mess 'even when he asked her not to' and apparently they had been locked in a 45 minute stand off where he said they weren't leaving the room til she tidied away the mess she had made and she was refusing/crying.

I told DH to go take a moment and regain his calm, he accused me of undermining him, I said I would get her to tidy but he needed to calm down, so he went and we tidied.

I tried to talk to him later, but he kept saying she needs to learn she can't make a mess, etc, and I think she is just to young to really get the consequences of her actions. He says she is old enough to understand 'no'.

I don't think it helps that she is very verbal so she appears older than she is. For example she will say 'sorry' if you tell her to, but I don't think she understands the concept of being sorry at all. Or DH will get her to say she promises she won't do X, which she faithfully parrots, but I don't believe she has the faintest idea what a 'promise' is, so it's hardly surprising when she does the thing two minutes later.

I don't want to undermine him, but when I came in and he launched into 'she did this, she did that' it was more like listening to a sibling telling tales on how it is all the other child's fault than a 40 year old talking about a 1 year old.

I think DH and I have very different ideas about the level of behaviour to expect from a child her age, and I don't honestly know which of us is off base. Aibu or is he?

voddie are you the DP? I could have taken several things from your post all of which showed you were sympathising with the poor old DP, who now needs a little pep talk from the responsible woman on compromise.

Or his balls handed to him on a plate for the way he treated that little girl?

(Off topic, but gender identity has nothing to do with sex differences between brains, voddiekeepsmesane)

Anyway. Do you think your husband will be able to listen to feedback and change his behaviour?

Who says shouting was done? The OP had popped out while this was going on.Even the OP says that he wasn't ranting at child the whole time ....get over yourselves people ...stop making up your own stories

voddiekeepsmesane

I don't think its working.

yeah sure I'm a male just because I don't agree with you huh

And so where was he as she was pulling shit out of the cupboard? If he'd been watching her as he should have been, she'd have gotten as far as the cupboard door before he would have headed her off at the pass!

He’s an idiot. I’m currently feeding my 21mo to sleep, the thought of asking her to ‘tidy up’ and expect her to do it is hilarious.

She helps me put things in the dishwasher or clothes in the basket, but only for as long as she finds it fun, then she wanders off to spin in a circle or laugh hysterically at the cat. You can’t expect a 21mo to act with reason or logic.

OP

Can the child talk or not? I didn't talk til past my 3rd birthday. I'm not sure before then I would've understood someone saying "Put that away" even if I was physically capable of putting a thing away. 1 year + 9 month old children are not automatons who will do something in response to the right noise, even if they understand the sound or can repeat the action.

If your child has made a mess and your husband wants the child to tidy the mess away - why? 21 month old children don't know why they make a mess. It would cost your husband nothing but his pride to tidy the mess away, assuming it's no mess worth worrying about. Perhaps your husband thinks bullying 21 month old children is better than mortifying his male pride.

OP, make that the last time he ever does that. These are your child's most formative years, he's going to do irreversible damage to her development.

Show this to your husband OP.

Diary of a 2 year old:

Today I woke up and wanted to get dressed by myself but was told “No, we don’t have time, let me do it.”

This made me sad. I wanted to feed myself for breakfast but was told “No, you’re too messy, let me do it for you.” This made me feel frustrated.

I wanted to walk to the car and get in on my own but was told, “No, we need to get going, we don’t have time. Let me do it.” This made me cry.

I wanted to get out of the car on my own but was told “No, we don’t have time, let me do it.” This made me want to run away.

Later I wanted to play with blocks but was told “no, not like that, like this…” I decided I didn’t want to play with blocks any more. I wanted to play with a doll that someone else had, so I took it, I was told “no, don’t do that, you have to share.”

I’m not sure what I did, but it made me sad. So I cried. I wanted a hug but was told “no, you’re fine, go play”.

I’m being told it’s time to pick up, I know this because someone keeps saying, “Go pick up your toys.” I am not sure what to do, I am waiting for someone to show me….”What are you doing, why are you just standing there, pick up your toys…Now.” I was not allowed to dress myself or move my own body to get to where I needed to go, but now I am being asked to pick things up.

I’m not sure what to do. Is someone supposed to show me how to do this? Where do I start? Where do these things go? I am hearing a lot of words but I do not understand what is being asked of me. I am scared and do not move. I lay down on the floor and cry.

When it was time to eat I wanted to get my own food but was told “no, you’re too little, let me do it.” This made me feel small. I tried to eat the food in front of me but I did not put it there and someone keeps saying “here, try this, eat this…” and putting things in my face. I didn’t want to eat anymore. This made me want to throw things and cry.

I can’t get down from the table because no one will let me…because I’m too small and I can’t. They keep saying I have to take a bite. This makes me cry more. I’m hungry and frustrated and sad. I’m tired and I need someone to hold me. I do not feel safe or in control. This makes me scared. I cry even more.

I am 2. No one will let me dress myself, no one will let me move my own body where it needs to go, no one will let me attend to my own needs.

However, I am expected to know how to share, “listen”, or “wait a minute”. I am expected to know what to say and how to act or handle my emotions. I am expected to sit still or know that if I throw something it might break….But, I do NOT know these things.

I am not allowed to practice my skills of walking, pushing, pulling, zipping, buttoning, pouring, serving, climbing, running, throwing or doing things that I know I can do. Things that interest me and make me curious, these are the things I am NOT allowed to do.

I am 2. I am not terrible…I am frustrated. I am nervous, stressed out, overwhelmed, and confused. I need a hug.

Author unknown

There's no scientific evidence for a female or a male brain.

Gender has nothing to do with biological sex. A man can feel or act "like" a woman, he's still a male, but gender identifying as a woman.

Sounds like the OP's husband is identifying as a parent who has not the slightest idea of how to interact with a child who is under two. He sounds like he was unnecessarily harsh, childish and was taking it personally, needing to win. In my opinion he was definitely, in this aspect of his behaviour, acting like very many biological males do.

Look, the thread title says "huge rows" with the DD. That on its own isn't ok, whether or not he is actually shouting non stop for 45 mins or not. He is still getting far too angry, losing his temper and getting stuck in a conflict with a baby. It's wrong and poor parenting even if you give it the most optimistic spin.

I have said I do not think it is effective parenting and that the OP needs to sit with her DH and talk together about what is acceptable. But neither do I believe he is the worse parent ever, and the OP needs to leave him. The ever increasing extreme responses on here is what I think is wrong thats all

'Men and women do come from different angles sometimes contrary to modern belief female and male brains are different and how we parent is different.'

Has he ever spent time with any other children? His expectations are ridiculous.

No, basically. He was good with her as a baby, but he is struggling with this new toddler 'saying no/doing exactly what you told her not to' thing. I do also find it maddening.

I have very little experience myself, but I have read stuff, and as I'm the one taking her to groups etc I see other kids her age more.

OMG do we not all lose our shit at some stage between 0-18 years of our childrens life. My DS is 14 and I know I have fucked up on several occasions but most of his 14 years I have tried my best. I am human I am NOT perfect

I'll agree with the majority here. It's completely baffling to expect a 2yr old to tidy up. I am also currently feeding my 21months old to sleep. He can say a few words but does not have a clue on things like 'mess' and 'tidy up' or the consequences of his actions.
We are focusing on teaching him to use 'gentle hands' as he is a bit of a monkey with his older sisters. Whenever he doesn't get his way he screams the house down and that's fine because he is 2. He doesn't get his way just because he screams of course. But he does get a cuddle and reassurance that things will be fine. He needs that.

I have arguments with my 7yrs old and at times my 4yrs old. I shout at them and i regret it. I'm not perfect. But i don't have arguments with my 2yrs old. He is very annoying at times but i know he cannot help it.

The OP is describing a pattern of behaviour with this as a recent example not a one off instance.

I'm sure you're not suggesting that it's fine and can safely be ignored - the husband should just crack on with what he's doing?

Honestly Judas I do believe that. Why would it be otherwise. Why do we have to believe that men and women are exactly the same? Honest question not goading or anything.

It sounds to me as if he's way out of his comfort zone, do you normally have the most interaction with her? If yes then he doesn't seem to know how to communicate with her
If you can try and talk to him about his expectations about her behaviour. Maybe point out where he is mistaken
I think he trying to deal with her as he would with an adult. At 21 months she's not an adult Some of the reading material suggested on this thread may be helpful. He definitely needs to learn how to interact with her.
If he's struggling to cope with her behaviour now. God help him when she hits puberty.
To answer your Aibu, he is way off base and you're not.
He needs to realise that although your daughter is very verbal, her understanding is limited. She's not much past being a baby

He is wrong taking his frustration out on her, however NO is a good word to use from very young.

One of the biggest factors in what used to be called Non Accidental Injury, now child abuse/ violence is unrealistic expectations according to age and development.
He is a danger to your child and already being abusive and damaging.

You could both do with a parenting course to boost your confidence. Loads shit ones though so be careful. Anything by dr Laura markham of aHa parenting is pretty much on the ball. She does online courses. She’s an excellent child psychologist.

Good lord - poor little thing! She's still a baby. Just because she is advanced with her speech, that doesn't mean she has the understanding of a much older child. Your dp needs reminding she's not even 2-years old yet and plenty of totally normal children of that age can't even walk, yet, let alone talk clearly and be persuaded to tidy up after themselves! He shouldn't punish her for being unusually advanced in some areas - it doesn't mean she has abilities and understanding well beyond her chronological age in all respects!

My 18 month old is also highly verbal. She says sorry a lot - to the chair, to her friend who isn’t here, to a toy - she has no real idea what it means! She is just getting to grips with the concept of tidying but even if she tidies something away that doesn’t mean she won’t pull it out again 30 seconds later!
I agree with lots of PP, your DH (and maybe you too as you say you are frustrated) needs to gen up on normal child development, and fast.
The very notion of getting a 21 month old to make and keep a promise is ridiculous.