Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH huge rows with nearly 2 year old

242 replies

MoaningSickness · 02/01/2019 19:17

So my 21 month old is gorgeous and wonderful and of course, irritating as fuck in that way that only a toddler can be.

I mostly manage not to scream and gnash my teeth when I realise she has managed to smuggle food down her shirt from lunch and lovingly spread in on the sofa, or Andrew puppied the loo roll... But DH is getting increasingly cross with her, for what I consider to be normal behaviour for her age.

I popped out this evening as they went into the bathroom. When I returned, they were still in there, she was wailing, and he gave a massive tirade about how she had done X,Y and Z and made a mess 'even when he asked her not to' and apparently they had been locked in a 45 minute stand off where he said they weren't leaving the room til she tidied away the mess she had made and she was refusing/crying.

I told DH to go take a moment and regain his calm, he accused me of undermining him, I said I would get her to tidy but he needed to calm down, so he went and we tidied.

I tried to talk to him later, but he kept saying she needs to learn she can't make a mess, etc, and I think she is just to young to really get the consequences of her actions. He says she is old enough to understand 'no'.

I don't think it helps that she is very verbal so she appears older than she is. For example she will say 'sorry' if you tell her to, but I don't think she understands the concept of being sorry at all. Or DH will get her to say she promises she won't do X, which she faithfully parrots, but I don't believe she has the faintest idea what a 'promise' is, so it's hardly surprising when she does the thing two minutes later.

I don't want to undermine him, but when I came in and he launched into 'she did this, she did that' it was more like listening to a sibling telling tales on how it is all the other child's fault than a 40 year old talking about a 1 year old.

I think DH and I have very different ideas about the level of behaviour to expect from a child her age, and I don't honestly know which of us is off base. Aibu or is he?

OP posts:
KingLooieCatz · 02/01/2019 19:52

DS couldn't even speak at that age! When he was older and he could, he once said to me "Daddy doesn't love me very much, does he?". Words were had. Relationship much improved. It is fixable but will not fix itself, he'll have to accept that he has to change.

Orlande · 02/01/2019 19:52

Poor baby, you can't "row" with a 1 year old!

He sounds emotionally abusive. It might come from a place of ignorance/stupidity rather than malice but the effect on your child is the same.

Aspergallus · 02/01/2019 19:52

I’d be livid if my 4 year old was treated like this. A 45 minute tirade and stand off is just abusive.

delboysskinandblister · 02/01/2019 19:52

Are you sure it's not him who is the 2 year old?

Passing4Human · 02/01/2019 19:53

Would he read some child development books do you think OP if you presented him with some? He obviously hasn't got a clue about the stage she's at (YANBU) and is making massive misjudgments. Inexperience leads to mistakes though, so hopefully he will reflect on what's happened and what you've told him. Will he listen if you sit down with him and explain further and also read up on toddler behaviour so he understands more where your DD is at and why his response was totally the wrong one?

EyUpOurKid · 02/01/2019 19:53

Bullying arsehole.

Get him a good book on child development. Insist he reads it and acts on it. If he doesn't, LTB.

Taming toddlers as mentioned by a pp is good. I have a just 2 year old. He's a delight, and a little bugger in equal measure. If anyone, anyone, especially my dh thought it was appropriate to shout at him, repeatedly for being a toddler, they wouldn't know what hit them. Completely cuntish behaviour on your dhs part.

QueenieIsLost · 02/01/2019 19:54

I’m trying to imagine a 21 months old tidying in her own...
I’m failing miserably.
Because it’s just not possible.
I don’t think any of my dcs were actually able to tidy up on their own just because they had been told to do so for a very long time (3~4 years old?).

Yabbers · 02/01/2019 19:54

Emotions abuse? FFS🙄

Not the right thing to do, totally counterproductive, not ideal to lose the temper, needs to learn some stuff. But please, can we stop with the labelling of anything slightly off as emotional abuse, or bullying. This incident won’t screw the child up for life.

I completely understand OP the comment about him forgetting she’s only two. DD was the same and OH was terrible for thinking she was capable of more than she actually was, and I did it too from time to time. We kept having to remind ourselves that despite the fact she articulated her thoughts in a more mature way, other parts of her brain were still little. Have a chat and hopefully he’ll deal with it better next time.

Incidentally, I can’t see any problem with expecting a nearly 2 year old to tidy up a mess they’ve made as some have suggested here. DD was well capable of that at 21 months.

Littleraindrop15 · 02/01/2019 19:54

I think people are being super harsh. It's not easy parenting and not everyone is born an expert... I agree he was unreasonable and he does not understand.

I would suggest that you talk it through with him how much the child hasn't or has developed. Suggest some parenting books for him to have a read and create some action plans of how to deal with behaviour in a calm and effective manner.

Hope this helps x

ScrambledSmegs · 02/01/2019 19:54

You can't have a row with a baby Hmm. He's just bullying her, The poor child is just learning to be afraid of her father.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/01/2019 19:54

Seriously? At two the best you can do is say 'No no, we don't draw on walls/put toys down the loo/poo on the floor' and remove them from the situation, whatever it was. Mine understood at two that 'no no' meant 'stop that', but I didn't expect them to really understand why something was 'no no', nor would I have expected them to 'rectify' whatever it was.

It's why we watch them like hawks, isn't it? Chances are if your 'd'H had been watching her like he should, whatever happened wouldn't have!

C8H10N4O2 · 02/01/2019 19:55

I don't want to undermine him

He is 40 and has to "win" against a 21 month old? Which one is the child here?

He needs to step up, do some homework about toddlers and accept that he has some learning to do.

MakeItAmazing · 02/01/2019 19:55

OP, are you ok? I may have the toddler taming book if you want it?

voddiekeepsmesane · 02/01/2019 19:57

shit father, jealousy, pathetic, fuckwit, bully, tosser, LTB, these are the things that people have called or are saying about a dad! Not nice IMO.

OK not the best parenting skills in the world but mumsnet is so extreme these days. Some men do not know how to communicate to their children in a effective way. Men and women do come from different angles sometimes contrary to modern belief female and male brains are different and how we parent is different. Communication between parents is important as communication with you child. Just talk to one another and get to the compromise you are happy as parents to be at.

Mumsnet stop trying to break up families at the drop of a bloody hat!!!

Zofloramummy · 02/01/2019 19:58

45 mins is a long time for a little one to be shouted at for. Poor mite, how is she now?

Completely unacceptable, but you know that already really.

Talk to him calmly when she’s asleep. Hopefully he’ll be open to finding a different way to approach parenting. If not then to have a DH problem.

Aftereights91 · 02/01/2019 19:59

FFS why do some people not seem to understand that most toddler's are shits? They are. Because they're toddler's, basically still babies. You don't lose you're rag, you don't expect them to act like adults. You just damage control the best you can and then get a drink when they're in bed, like I'm currently doing Smile it's been a long day Grin

DishingOutDone · 02/01/2019 20:01

Ah I see so his PENIS got in his eyes and made him unable to see that ranting at a toddler for 45 minute was morally wrong? Ah, thanks voddie Hmm

AssassinatedBeauty · 02/01/2019 20:02

@voddiekeepsmesane your ideas about male/female brains are not supported by science. Shouting at a 21 month old for 45 minutes is not caused by having a male brain, it's caused either by ignorance or malice. I would assume ignorance unless the OP says otherwise.

Original poster
MoaningSickness · 02/01/2019 20:03

Still reading responses - but to be clear I don't believe he was ranting at her for 45 mins. Just that they were sat there with him refusing to let her out/move on to something else til she put back a bunch of things she had pulled out (something she physically can do).

The rant was to me, him venting that she had done all these annoying things.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 02/01/2019 20:03

You need to be very firm with your H and tell him that this sort of behaviour from him stops or you will throw him out. It's fine to undermine a bully - this idea that adults should always support other adults is actually pretty harmful. Better for children to see a bullying adult be slapped down or made to look silly than for them to be frightened and hurt, or to believe that no one will help them when they are being attacked.

voddiekeepsmesane · 02/01/2019 20:05

Dishing do FO... let me rephrase that for you some parents do not know how to communicate with their children effectively Hmm but if that is the only point you want to take from my post so be it

lucky88 · 02/01/2019 20:08

He sounds like a bully.
Poor kid.
Watch out for that one.

Kittykat93 · 02/01/2019 20:08

He needs to stop this behaviour. She's not 5, she's 2. He's expecting too much, id be furious if my husband spoke to our son like that and made him cry for so long.

voddiekeepsmesane · 02/01/2019 20:08

If the difference of female and male brains is not supported by sicence then why the recent major change in gender identity? IME anecdotal as it may be men and women do see many things in a different way ....but hey maybe I'm just way outta touch with things huh

myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 02/01/2019 20:09

He needs to do a parenting course so that he can understand development and behaviour. I did one when I had a defiant toddler to deal with.

She’s far too young to get in a stand off with.

Swipe left for the next trending thread