To return all of the money

[peppersprayfirst]

Hi, hoping for some advice.

Background is I'm 21, live at home with my mum and dad. My mum is amazing. My dad has always been IMO and in dsis's emotionally and financially abusive towards her. He has pushed pretty much all of her family and friends away throughout their lives together, new friends come and then quickly go for some reason or another due to the way he is. She never felt that she could leave because she was a SAHM and did bits and bobs to help with his business rather than formal employment.

I have always worked and saved and am doing quite well and getting together a deposit for a house. My mum and dad had a second home abroad which they recently sold, with the proceeds they gave me £6k to go towards my savings. Obviously I was very grateful for this, but knowing how he can be I was a little wary. I am very independent and don't like relying on people for things too much, especially money.

They now have decided that they want to buy another (different) house abroad and want to retire there and live there permanently. They have made it very clear me living at home is a massive inconvenience to them because they can't sell this house. They had me later in life after a struggle to conceive again so I know I was very much wanted, but surely they thought about this part? I feel like I'm in the way, but I can't afford to live alone yet and me and my partner aren't ready to live together just yet.

They are going away again soon and are leaving me to look after the house and pets which is tricky as unlike them I work full time and am out of the house all day. The boiler is currently broken and you have to turn a knob to get the heating/hot water to work, it's been this way about 2 months now but they haven't got it fixed. Last night I went to turn the thing and it made a funny noise and the hot water didn't work like it usually has been. I said to dad I think it might be getting more broken and I'm worried it will break when they are away and I won't know what to do. Dad complained because he 'has no money' I said 'you can't pay to fix the boiler but you can pay for a second home!!?'
I haven't really seen him since but I just got in from work now and he mentioned the boiler is working when you release the pressure thing and that I must have been 'mistaken' last night but said it in a nasty way as if I was making it up? I just said 'oh right, I wasn't mistaken though it was being funny lastnight'. Then he said 'you know the comment you made lastnight about the second home, it's going to be a first home very soon'. Like a threat😂 I just thought how ridiculous, I'm not like mum you can't intimidate me with stupid remarks I'm stronger than that. I said 'oooooh that really got me' (which sounds stupid written down but wtf do you say to that) he then said well when the boiler breaks when we're away you can pay for it with the 6k I gave you. I thought wow I was waiting for this!! For him to use it against me!! I just said 'have it back I don't want it' he said 'I don't want it back' but really nastily.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask them to get the boiler fixed, I would be happy to pay toward it. The house is also really damp, there's water marks all over my ceiling because of leaks as it isn't maintained well and all of my clothes and sheet smell strongly of damp I have to use shedloads of unstoppables to get it smelling nice. My mum hates it too, we still try to keep it nice and cosy but mum won't stick up for herself even though she knows he has the money to sort things he just won't use it unless it's something that benefits him.

They are hinting for me to go and live with my boyfriend at his parents house and although I love my boyfriend I think that would put a lot of pressure on us and if something went wrong between us I would have nowhere to go.

Should I just give him the money back? I hate feeling like I owe him something or he has some kind of control over me because of it. However, the money is a big help and will allow me to leave home sooner. I feel so awful that mums had to put up with this for so long. He's not a nice person at all. I don't really want his money.

I realise I am very privileged and there are people much worse off in the world than me. I work with disadvantaged children and families every day and see the complex issues that that have, I am not unaware. I realise that this isn't the worst problem in the world.

A lot of adults still live with their parents because they can't afford to rent. On minimum wage, it leaves nothing over. I have two children in this situation. They can't save, can't afford clothes, and are permanently broke. I also have an adult child at home. it's not as simple as 'you're an adult, move out'. They have no prospect of ever buying their own homes. Will have to wait till we die or we will have to help them out, which means our lives will be seriously limited as a result.

What baffles me is that people in their early twenties (even in America you’re an Adult OP) can feel ‘entitled’ to live at home!

You’re not ‘entitled’ to your home, bedroom or your parents support. That’s not your house and until your parents are gone you have no right to be there!

You say you work with families who really have ‘issues’ so I assume you’re sensible and educated enough to realise that your parents issue is that they don’t want their adult child living in their home that they’re desperate to sell!

I’m bemused that you seem to pin this on your dad and have the opinion that he’s the one who needs to change....move out and he can go retire in peace!

🤔 At what point of ignoring their hints do you actually become a squatter?

(For what it’s worth OP, I’m 34 and loads of my friends similar ages to me still live in house shares! Definitely not just a student thing)

@Certain

I’m not saying that I disagree with you, if you’re stuck in a minimum wage job this can be very true!

All I’m saying is that I know ALOT of twenties people who ‘can’t afford to live’ but manage to afford to get smashed every weekend and go on group skiing holidays 🙄

Loads of rooms to rent house share in London...maybe 900 a month for en suite bathroom and double room but also much less ...still ok has 6 k to pay up front for 6 months.
Or be a guardian

www.adhocproperty.co.uk/property-guardians/

Move out with your mum and leave him to it??

@ShesABelter

Have you seen the price of houses today? £6k is not some enormous gift that can put anyone on the path to home ownership. A deposit within 100 miles of London now is £50k if not more. £6k will go in 6 months rent.

One of the properties I rented had bedsits with shared showers that you had to put coins in a slot to get the water. Then the landlord, put ensuite showers into each bedsit. I also know a few people, when they left to go to university several miles away, their parents moved abroad. One of my friends was charged extra money if someone stayed overnight at the place they rented. This is the reality !

The majority of my friends are around 3 years older than me and are settled living with their partners. There's an option to search for house shares on a map, so surprised at how many options there are near me.

I can assure you I've never been on a skiing holiday, that's not my idea of fun❄️

And @MrDarcyWillBeMine that's abit far. My mum wants me to stay at home very much.

They're off on their jollies soon, my boyfriends coming to stay with me while they're gone which will be nice. When they go away it's almost like practice for life together, we both really enjoy it.

@ShesABelter - In fact I will have a second go - I have seen plenty of baby boomers, having bought their own homes cheap, boast they have given their kids £3k or £5k or £8k, and say, well, "my mam and dad only gave us £1k when we got married" - as if £1,000 in 1977 was still worth the same in 2017. £1k was a deposit on a good house in 1977, but £50k is a deposit on a good house in 2017. The baby boomers could indeed give their kids £50k but are telling us £3k is right enough. You are sticking two fingers up to your own children, then wondering why your children do not worship at your feet.

Fairenuff and PositivelyPERF and PigletWasPoohsFriend

Who all just accuse me of being bitter or sucking on a lemon or being an entitled so-and-so who wants the world to revolve around me:

My parents both left school at 14 in the late 60s (not long before leaving school at 14 was abolished). Neither have been above the level of a blue-collar worker; not that I would ever sneer at anyone for being a blue-collar worker, but in time they married and bought a house. In time they divorced and both now own their own homes.

I on the other hand was born in the 80s; went from a comprehensive to one of the best universities in the UK and from there to a white-collar job which pays above the median wage. But at 34 I cannot afford to put a deposit down.

None of this is jealousy. It is a simple and rotten fact that those at certain wages in 2019 cannot afford things people in lower wages in 1985 could afford. And this is wrong; and their parents should help them, rather than sneer at their children and call them spendthrift.

But of course you're baby boomers who have houses with 4 bedrooms (even though the kids have left); you can afford months in Lanzarote while wondering why your sons and daughters can't buy their own studio flat. It must be because they're lazy. You wouldn't dream of giving your kids money to help them buy their own flats; why should you? Your mams and dads never helped you. It's almost as if economic facts have massively changed in the last 40 years.

Sound alike given the state of the house they will struggle to sell quickly anyway. I don't get the unkindness if many posters. Yes you are an adult, but still young and finding your feet. Suddenly your parents are going to move abroad and that feels like abandonment. Good luck OP

I flat/house shared from 18 to 30. I made some wonderful friends with whom I'm still in touch 30 years later. Some of the best times I've had where when I was young, single and sharing.

Very few people in their early 20s are in a position to rent a flat by themselves in a major city.

As someone who rented for several years. View the property first. Ensure you are clear what the rent includes, does it include all bills or do you need to pay all bills on top like, council tax, water, electric, gas, broadband, landline phone, gardening, contents insurance, deposit, rental agency fees, renewal of contract fees, communal charges if it is a flat, extra money for people to stay, extra money for pets, car park space etc Ensure that you understand the rules and payments before you move in !

But of course you're baby boomers who have houses with 4 bedrooms (even though the kids have left); you can afford months in Lanzarote while wondering why your sons and daughters can't buy their own studio flat. It must be because they're lazy. You wouldn't dream of giving your kids money to help them buy their own flats; why should you? Your mams and dads never helped you. It's almost as if economic facts have massively changed in the last 40 years.

You’re making an awful lot of assumptions about people that think you’re talking a lot of bitter nonsense. Your parents may be boomers who have done well, but why assume all booomers are the same and why assume I’m a boomer. I’m not, actually and my first place was a run down shit hole, where I had to prop chairs against the doors to stop them blowing open. I borrowed the rental deposit to get away from my abusive parents. I do own a house, because my late husband and I worked 60hrs a week and lived hand to mouth to save the deposit and to pay the monthly mortgage for years. Stop acting like such a victim.

Every generation has its challenges.

Every generation has its challenges

^ this. And also its benefits. It’s only when you’ve lived a lifetime that you get to see how these things balance out, in ways you couldn’t have anticipated.

IMO you are really young. I would have been bereft if my parents had sold my home and moved abroad at 21. And yes completely normal in my circle of friends to have lived at home for a few years after graduating to save money towards a house. One of my friends lived at home for 8 years (bit much!) after graduating and her parents charged her £400 a month in rent which they were secretly saving for her. She left home with one heck of a deposit! I'd love to do that for my DCs if they need me to.Take the money and maybe try renting with your boyfriend. It would be a good trial run and keep costs down to enable more savings. Just really sorry about your dad.

Don’t move in with your boyfriend at 21. You have lots of time to settle down and inertia may mean you end up making choices you wouldn’t otherwise.

I agree with LittleBearPad. Dont move in with your boyfriend for financial reasons. I saw too many friends stuck with men they felt they could not afford to leave.

Fuck it move in with your boyfriend let them pay for a pet sitter

Not read the full thread but bloody hell some mean folk on here.
I would never dream of kicking my dd out no matter how old she is she's my daughter and she has a home with me for life if she needs it.
Some harsh parenting on here and yes it is bloody expensive to live on your own pay bills etc.

It absolutely baffles me that you hadn't considered a flat share.

Virtually every university graduate I know of moved into a flat share.

And 21 is still young to be out there on your own I'm so glad I had a fantastic dad that never pressured me to move out until I wanted to.