To return all of the money

[peppersprayfirst]

Hi, hoping for some advice.

Background is I'm 21, live at home with my mum and dad. My mum is amazing. My dad has always been IMO and in dsis's emotionally and financially abusive towards her. He has pushed pretty much all of her family and friends away throughout their lives together, new friends come and then quickly go for some reason or another due to the way he is. She never felt that she could leave because she was a SAHM and did bits and bobs to help with his business rather than formal employment.

I have always worked and saved and am doing quite well and getting together a deposit for a house. My mum and dad had a second home abroad which they recently sold, with the proceeds they gave me £6k to go towards my savings. Obviously I was very grateful for this, but knowing how he can be I was a little wary. I am very independent and don't like relying on people for things too much, especially money.

They now have decided that they want to buy another (different) house abroad and want to retire there and live there permanently. They have made it very clear me living at home is a massive inconvenience to them because they can't sell this house. They had me later in life after a struggle to conceive again so I know I was very much wanted, but surely they thought about this part? I feel like I'm in the way, but I can't afford to live alone yet and me and my partner aren't ready to live together just yet.

They are going away again soon and are leaving me to look after the house and pets which is tricky as unlike them I work full time and am out of the house all day. The boiler is currently broken and you have to turn a knob to get the heating/hot water to work, it's been this way about 2 months now but they haven't got it fixed. Last night I went to turn the thing and it made a funny noise and the hot water didn't work like it usually has been. I said to dad I think it might be getting more broken and I'm worried it will break when they are away and I won't know what to do. Dad complained because he 'has no money' I said 'you can't pay to fix the boiler but you can pay for a second home!!?'
I haven't really seen him since but I just got in from work now and he mentioned the boiler is working when you release the pressure thing and that I must have been 'mistaken' last night but said it in a nasty way as if I was making it up? I just said 'oh right, I wasn't mistaken though it was being funny lastnight'. Then he said 'you know the comment you made lastnight about the second home, it's going to be a first home very soon'. Like a threat😂 I just thought how ridiculous, I'm not like mum you can't intimidate me with stupid remarks I'm stronger than that. I said 'oooooh that really got me' (which sounds stupid written down but wtf do you say to that) he then said well when the boiler breaks when we're away you can pay for it with the 6k I gave you. I thought wow I was waiting for this!! For him to use it against me!! I just said 'have it back I don't want it' he said 'I don't want it back' but really nastily.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask them to get the boiler fixed, I would be happy to pay toward it. The house is also really damp, there's water marks all over my ceiling because of leaks as it isn't maintained well and all of my clothes and sheet smell strongly of damp I have to use shedloads of unstoppables to get it smelling nice. My mum hates it too, we still try to keep it nice and cosy but mum won't stick up for herself even though she knows he has the money to sort things he just won't use it unless it's something that benefits him.

They are hinting for me to go and live with my boyfriend at his parents house and although I love my boyfriend I think that would put a lot of pressure on us and if something went wrong between us I would have nowhere to go.

Should I just give him the money back? I hate feeling like I owe him something or he has some kind of control over me because of it. However, the money is a big help and will allow me to leave home sooner. I feel so awful that mums had to put up with this for so long. He's not a nice person at all. I don't really want his money.

I realise I am very privileged and there are people much worse off in the world than me. I work with disadvantaged children and families every day and see the complex issues that that have, I am not unaware. I realise that this isn't the worst problem in the world.

Don't return the money but get somewhere of your own to live ASAP. By the sounds of the house they're not going to see it easily and if you're not there to care for the animals they'll have to make arrangements.

Op, are you paying rent and a contribution to expenses? Because if you're not paying your parents the going rate, then you owe your parents a shit ton more than the six grand they have just given you if they have continued to house you as a working adult.

And here you are. Slagging rhem and your living conditions off on line.

Don't give him the money back. It is offensive. He gifted you that. But go find yourself a flat share and grow up. And stop publicly slagging your parents and their living conditions off.

I am sure your right about your father financial abuse, but saying that they have put you in a much better financial than most parents can afford to. It also sounds like they can't afford to buy the new place until that one is sold.

Honestly I do see his frustration.

I think you have been wise to save while your young and it's great you're nearly in a position to buy by yourself, you should give yourself a Pat on the back and not all 21 year olds are so forward thinking. BUT it's time to get out of your parents hair, and thank them for the position they have helped you get into. You are still closer to home ownership than most.

I think OP has left the building...

Don’t move in with your boyfriend. That will put you in a precarious housing situation.

Take the money your parents gifted you and put down a deposit on an apartment. If you are working full time, it may be a pretty crappy apartment, but crappy is many rungs up from squalor.

I just can’t imagine having a full time job and living with my parents longer than it takes to get a deposit and moving expenses covered.

I think you're too young to buy somewhere with your boyfriend. At your age you should be living with friends. I don't think it's ever a good idea to go from your parents' home (particularly if they are abusive) to a permanent home with a boyfriend.

Wow, I find these comments a bit harsh. A new boiler will be at least £3k, if you have leaks as well it will be a small fortune and not your bill to worry about. If they want to sell they really are going to have to replace and fix and repaint leaks anyway.
But he also sounds unbearable to live with so I think you are going to have to think about moving out to a house share. My first house was with 2 other friends, would you maybe have some friends who are looking too?? Look in the local paper and see if there’s something suitable to go and look at? I would take his money and keep in the bank for the deposit once you are ready to buy, he gifted it to you for the deposit so I’d take it with that in mind and forget his horrible other comments.
How long are they going away for? If a dog has to be boarded that will be about £20 a day so he will love paying that!
Your poor mother.

Oh for goodness sake these replies are ridiculous! 21 is very very young to be moving out. Most of my friends were mid to late 20s. Some 30

What the fuck.

Keep the £6k and find a house share. Don't live with your boyfriend; you're too young, you're not ready, and you'll end up staying with him whether it's a good place for you to be or not. Inertia is a funny thing. Don't do it.

A really cheap house share will be better for everyone. tell your parents to sort out their own pets when you go.

Find a house share like practically everyone else is saying. If you'd gone to uni, you'd be in something like that already? No big deal.

Entitled much? Do grow up, and be the independent woman you are making out to be

@Bluntness100 no I fully understand.

It's more in the fact that people are basically making out she's been ridiculous for wanting the house to have a working boiler and not be riddled with damp.

DD left to go to uni at 18 and hasn’t come back, lives in a house share @ £420 a month plus bills. She does just fine and saves £600 a month and runs a car. £23k salary.

I would leave.

Im guessing OP doesnt want to spend the money renting because she is saving to buy
but that said, if she is living at home she is going to need to accept what home is like. If she doesnt like it she will need to move out.

Dont give back the money, it was given in good will so no need to use it for manipulation.
Plan for your own place, you’re only 21, dont depend on boyfriend at such a young age. Houseshare sound ideal- you get to keep £6k and still should be able to save.
What would your parents do if you move out, are they going to look after their animals?

Gosh, one of my friend's daughter who is 19 lives in flatshare and she's attending a local uni! She just got sick of not being closer to the uni and her work so she saved up and moved out.

use the 6k for the deposit and the move.

YY, a lot of people move out to attend uni and then from there move on to places of work.

@stokieginge, people are saying she has choices: if her parents' rent free home (which they appear to be happy with) doesn't meet her standards, she can move out. It's pretty easy to understand.

A house share sounds like the best bet for you op.

Keep the 6k, and you can use part for the deposit.

Lots of harsh replies here, this is what aibu is like, please don't take it personally.

For what it's worth I know many in their 20s and even early 30s who live with their parents for free.

Yes I pay rent, I also pay for the tv, internet and phone and buy and cook all of my own food.

I'd never be able to move out alone at the moment as where I live rent is just too expensive.

And no they aren't my pets, but I pay mum money to buy their food because my dad won't give her any.

I think some people have been a little harsh here, the back and forth with my dad makes me sound bratty but he speaks to us in such a nasty way. Because I've seen him do that so many times to my mum it really hits a nerve when he does it with me, almost like I can't believe he's doing it.

I think I'll leave it at that, I don't think there's any real solution that doesn't involve me living alone miles and miles away from my family, friends and job or putting my relationship under strain. Thank you, and a happy new year to you all. X

I was going to reply but everyone is saying it better than I could have. Take your 6k and rent a flat, roomshare.com, it's not difficult. Plus you cut the control he has over you.

Move into a house share.

Use the 6k to pay for the first months rent and deposit, then pay yourself back using wages. When you have the full 6k back, return it to your parents with thanks.

Let them know you won't be available to housesit anymore.

Enjoy the rest of your life. Don't put up with horrible siuations just becaise you mum has for many years. Get out, you are free to do so. Don't let guilt drag you back.

X posted.

OP, you can afford to rent a room I am sure. Can't you see how under their thumb you are? I feel really sad for you.