To return all of the money

[peppersprayfirst]

Hi, hoping for some advice.

Background is I'm 21, live at home with my mum and dad. My mum is amazing. My dad has always been IMO and in dsis's emotionally and financially abusive towards her. He has pushed pretty much all of her family and friends away throughout their lives together, new friends come and then quickly go for some reason or another due to the way he is. She never felt that she could leave because she was a SAHM and did bits and bobs to help with his business rather than formal employment.

I have always worked and saved and am doing quite well and getting together a deposit for a house. My mum and dad had a second home abroad which they recently sold, with the proceeds they gave me £6k to go towards my savings. Obviously I was very grateful for this, but knowing how he can be I was a little wary. I am very independent and don't like relying on people for things too much, especially money.

They now have decided that they want to buy another (different) house abroad and want to retire there and live there permanently. They have made it very clear me living at home is a massive inconvenience to them because they can't sell this house. They had me later in life after a struggle to conceive again so I know I was very much wanted, but surely they thought about this part? I feel like I'm in the way, but I can't afford to live alone yet and me and my partner aren't ready to live together just yet.

They are going away again soon and are leaving me to look after the house and pets which is tricky as unlike them I work full time and am out of the house all day. The boiler is currently broken and you have to turn a knob to get the heating/hot water to work, it's been this way about 2 months now but they haven't got it fixed. Last night I went to turn the thing and it made a funny noise and the hot water didn't work like it usually has been. I said to dad I think it might be getting more broken and I'm worried it will break when they are away and I won't know what to do. Dad complained because he 'has no money' I said 'you can't pay to fix the boiler but you can pay for a second home!!?'
I haven't really seen him since but I just got in from work now and he mentioned the boiler is working when you release the pressure thing and that I must have been 'mistaken' last night but said it in a nasty way as if I was making it up? I just said 'oh right, I wasn't mistaken though it was being funny lastnight'. Then he said 'you know the comment you made lastnight about the second home, it's going to be a first home very soon'. Like a threat😂 I just thought how ridiculous, I'm not like mum you can't intimidate me with stupid remarks I'm stronger than that. I said 'oooooh that really got me' (which sounds stupid written down but wtf do you say to that) he then said well when the boiler breaks when we're away you can pay for it with the 6k I gave you. I thought wow I was waiting for this!! For him to use it against me!! I just said 'have it back I don't want it' he said 'I don't want it back' but really nastily.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask them to get the boiler fixed, I would be happy to pay toward it. The house is also really damp, there's water marks all over my ceiling because of leaks as it isn't maintained well and all of my clothes and sheet smell strongly of damp I have to use shedloads of unstoppables to get it smelling nice. My mum hates it too, we still try to keep it nice and cosy but mum won't stick up for herself even though she knows he has the money to sort things he just won't use it unless it's something that benefits him.

They are hinting for me to go and live with my boyfriend at his parents house and although I love my boyfriend I think that would put a lot of pressure on us and if something went wrong between us I would have nowhere to go.

Should I just give him the money back? I hate feeling like I owe him something or he has some kind of control over me because of it. However, the money is a big help and will allow me to leave home sooner. I feel so awful that mums had to put up with this for so long. He's not a nice person at all. I don't really want his money.

I realise I am very privileged and there are people much worse off in the world than me. I work with disadvantaged children and families every day and see the complex issues that that have, I am not unaware. I realise that this isn't the worst problem in the world.

You’re 21, you should be supporting yourself!

I'm a long time lurker, but couldn't help but want to post on this thread.
I come from a family with an abusive dad, similar to how you describe. I stayed at home to protect my mum and sister for my late teens to mid twenties. Also stayed because even as a young adult a naïve part of me wanted them to magically change and show me how much they cared for me after all. It was a mistake. If I had my time again I would have moved out, into a house share, even if it meant struggling a little. It would've felt scary but been worth it.
Which is what I would suggest to you in your situation, and use any funds you have to assist you. Get away form their dysfunction, and go low or no contact. Then get on with living your own life your way.

I think you'd actually be finacially better off as a lodger in a room in someone elses house, usually internet is included so you'd pay rent and food. Don't dismiss things before actually looking and doing the sums.
www.spareroom.co.uk/flatshare-house-share/uk/
uk.easyroommate.com/
www.roombuddies.co.uk/

@stokieginge pretty sure a large percentage of people when they first move out live in a house share effectively whilst at college and uni. What's the difference. Yes I was living in a flat share at 17 at uni. As was my brother.

My 19 and 21 year old nieces also are now. The 19 year old isn't at college or uni she works and lives in a house share.

I'd rather my children done that and creates independence than live with us till 25.

stokieginge moved away to uni at 18, moved into a house share with a friend at 21, moved into a flat share with a stranger at 23 when friend decided to move back to mummy and daddy. Lived in house shares til I was 29 when I moved into a tiny, shit rented studio. Currently living in a decent one bed rented flat. My sister did similar. I’ll never be able to afford to buy a house, my parents can’t afford to give me £6K either. I don’t have the luxury of a partner to share rent and bills with either.

Live in a nice suburban home now. Spent my 20’s in a mix of shares, one place that leaked with every rain, another where you could feel the wires getting hot inside the walls. Managed to save up and support myself like an adult.

Ok, so you're paying your way at home, op, then just move to a house share, most folks your age do this and if you are paying as much as you say you're paying then likely it will be the same or cheaper.

And I mean this gently. Your mother has made her choices, she choses and has always chosen to be with him. Whether you understand it or not. So you need to leave her to it.

Start looking at house or flat shares and move.

Yes I pay rent, I also pay for the tv, internet and phone and buy and cook all of my own food.
I was just reluctant to rent because I was doing so well saving to buy but not to worry, needs must.
This makes no sense at all. You said you're paying rent etc anyway, so why don't you just rent somewhere else?

I moved into a house share at 18 and lived in a succession of ones (generally in pretty grotty houses, certainly some were as bad or worse that OP's house) until I was 28 when I was able to buy somewhere. Pretty much everyone I knew did the same thing. Living in cheap nasty house shares is basically a rite of passage, I thought?

OP

The question you raise goes well beyond the personal and into the structural, which British people seem not to understand.

In my own position, both my parents left school at 14, both got white collar jobs, married in their mid-20s and bought a house.

My parents divorced before I was even 5, yet my Father, an engineer for most of his working life, bought his house outright; my mother, post-divorce, has managed to buy her own home.

I myself, from this broken home, contrived to go to one of the best universities in the country, and then to get a white-collar job. At the age of 34 I cannot afford a house; I can barely save enough to pay the rent.

Yet my parents have absolutely no idea of my predicament; my father (who has been unemployed since 2003) recently boasted he was spending 4 weeks in the Canaries, while I, the white-collar worker, have not been on any holiday, UK or abroad, in 10 years.

Your parents, like mine, could help their kids; instead they pour their money up the wall, then complain their children must be wasting their money if they cannot buy a house the way they did 40 years ago. The fact house prices have gone up 10x the rate of wages doesn’t seem to move them; they think “If I did it, my kid can; if my kid can’t, it’s because they’re spendthrift”.

So baby boomers buy Spanish villas and sneer at their kids who cannot afford studio flats in the UK.

Baby Boomers are selfish and do not give two hoots for their kids; to them, their kids can get stuffed. They didn’t have parents to fund their homes; so they think their kids should not expect them to fund anything. They don’t care that the world has changed since they put their £30 deposit down or their £1.11/6 weekly mortgage repayment. They don’t care the housing boom has left them with enormous house they could remortgage. In my own family one member has now been left, widowed, adult children moved out, alone in a 3-bedroom house she can’t even now get around to hoover; the idea of downsizing and using the proceeds to help anyone else is just beyond her.

You’re 21, you should be supporting yourself!

She is. Read her posts.

OP I'm assuming the main thrust of your question was about leaving your mother and whether you should keep the money from an abusive parent.

You cannot follow your parents abroad (I'm assuming), your DM has chosen to stay where she is.

As for the money - frankly I'd tell you to take it, find a share with some people you like and sod him. But also steel yourself for some some inevitable follow ups to the comments about "I gave you money". If you can keep most of that money to one side and replenish the pot it might help you feel better if you can say in the future "here take it back then".

Fuck me. That takes the biscuit for bitter and entitled.

@ADropofReality YES!

Yes definitely give him his £6k back.
You don't need it. You're doing just fine. Even if you have to take a slightly larger mortgage or save for an extra couple of months.

Sorry if this comes across wrong, but £6,000 is not very much really. In the scheme of things.
It's nice he offered it but it's not that much for a house deposit and you can make this money yourself. It will not be worth having his input lorded over you just because he gave you this little bit of money that won't particular make a difference. You can earn it in a few months. I'd move in to bf house temporarily, it is pressure but might work well given a chance.

@ADropOfReality that's all very well but did you miss the part about the ops parents giving her 6k? So in what way is your rant relevant to her situation?

People have been harsh on you OP.

My mum let me pay £250pm rent when I got a full time job (plus I made monthly contribution to food and I paid the phone bill).

That gave me the opportunity to save my money and buy a house. I do a lot for mum mum and me and siblings will always have a home for her.

It's a shame your dad is treating his only child in this way.

Fuck me. That takes the biscuit for bitter and entitled

In what way is rebuilding the money pot for the moment he comes back at her to remind her of having given her money "bitter and entitled"?

Basic common sense to be prepared for someone who has form for being emotionally and financially abusive.

Move out and give him the money back.

I think people are being unnecessarily harsh.
OP, if you are paying rent and pet sitting they may need you more than you need them. Your father sounds like a manipulative man, I bet he'd backtrack if he really thought he was losing his free house/pet sitter. Not even free, you pay him for the privilege. Don't return the money, it's yours and you should keep it.

Some new builds offer deals for first time buyers, you may be able to afford a flat with the right financial advice. If you could get a 2 bed, you could rent a room to bring in a bit extra. I understand you are reluctant to rent as it's harder to save, but a house-share might be less than you are paying now, so you could still save.

I was referring to the baby boomers rant.

You said you're paying rent etc anyway, so why don't you just rent somewhere else

Agree, it's not logical. But I think if a kid hasn't gone to uni or lived on their own before, then no matter how independent they declare themselves the reality is flying the nest can be a little bit daunting. It's easier to whinge but cling to the familiar. To make excuses as to why you can't,

Kids who go to uni are cosseted through the process, first year in halls, second and third years house shares with friends, so a subsequent house share for employment is an easy transition. Fear of the unknown can cause some kids to fail to fly.

The op it seems is one of them she was fully intending not leaving till she could buy a house and didn't even consider house sharing.

Baby Boomers are selfish and do not give two hoots for their kids; to them, their kids can get stuffed

Generalisations, much?

I always think we are going to leave everything to the kids when we pop our clogs, they might as well have some now!! The dad is probably wanting to move abroad to isolate his poor wife even more, I honestly don’t think of our family home as just mine, it is a home for all of us! I just will never understand not wanting to give your kids everything you possibly can.

"you have to turn a knob to get the heating/hot water to work"

My god, can there be such suffering?

I’m mid twenties OP (not much older than you) and I moved out at 18 to work in London and rented a room (like EVERYONE does).

You need to get out of your parents- you aren’t entitled to live there and they certainly don’t sound like they want you there!

YABU- MOVE OUT