To return all of the money

[peppersprayfirst]

Hi, hoping for some advice.

Background is I'm 21, live at home with my mum and dad. My mum is amazing. My dad has always been IMO and in dsis's emotionally and financially abusive towards her. He has pushed pretty much all of her family and friends away throughout their lives together, new friends come and then quickly go for some reason or another due to the way he is. She never felt that she could leave because she was a SAHM and did bits and bobs to help with his business rather than formal employment.

I have always worked and saved and am doing quite well and getting together a deposit for a house. My mum and dad had a second home abroad which they recently sold, with the proceeds they gave me £6k to go towards my savings. Obviously I was very grateful for this, but knowing how he can be I was a little wary. I am very independent and don't like relying on people for things too much, especially money.

They now have decided that they want to buy another (different) house abroad and want to retire there and live there permanently. They have made it very clear me living at home is a massive inconvenience to them because they can't sell this house. They had me later in life after a struggle to conceive again so I know I was very much wanted, but surely they thought about this part? I feel like I'm in the way, but I can't afford to live alone yet and me and my partner aren't ready to live together just yet.

They are going away again soon and are leaving me to look after the house and pets which is tricky as unlike them I work full time and am out of the house all day. The boiler is currently broken and you have to turn a knob to get the heating/hot water to work, it's been this way about 2 months now but they haven't got it fixed. Last night I went to turn the thing and it made a funny noise and the hot water didn't work like it usually has been. I said to dad I think it might be getting more broken and I'm worried it will break when they are away and I won't know what to do. Dad complained because he 'has no money' I said 'you can't pay to fix the boiler but you can pay for a second home!!?'
I haven't really seen him since but I just got in from work now and he mentioned the boiler is working when you release the pressure thing and that I must have been 'mistaken' last night but said it in a nasty way as if I was making it up? I just said 'oh right, I wasn't mistaken though it was being funny lastnight'. Then he said 'you know the comment you made lastnight about the second home, it's going to be a first home very soon'. Like a threat😂 I just thought how ridiculous, I'm not like mum you can't intimidate me with stupid remarks I'm stronger than that. I said 'oooooh that really got me' (which sounds stupid written down but wtf do you say to that) he then said well when the boiler breaks when we're away you can pay for it with the 6k I gave you. I thought wow I was waiting for this!! For him to use it against me!! I just said 'have it back I don't want it' he said 'I don't want it back' but really nastily.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask them to get the boiler fixed, I would be happy to pay toward it. The house is also really damp, there's water marks all over my ceiling because of leaks as it isn't maintained well and all of my clothes and sheet smell strongly of damp I have to use shedloads of unstoppables to get it smelling nice. My mum hates it too, we still try to keep it nice and cosy but mum won't stick up for herself even though she knows he has the money to sort things he just won't use it unless it's something that benefits him.

They are hinting for me to go and live with my boyfriend at his parents house and although I love my boyfriend I think that would put a lot of pressure on us and if something went wrong between us I would have nowhere to go.

Should I just give him the money back? I hate feeling like I owe him something or he has some kind of control over me because of it. However, the money is a big help and will allow me to leave home sooner. I feel so awful that mums had to put up with this for so long. He's not a nice person at all. I don't really want his money.

I realise I am very privileged and there are people much worse off in the world than me. I work with disadvantaged children and families every day and see the complex issues that that have, I am not unaware. I realise that this isn't the worst problem in the world.

I'm not sure I agree with the baby boomer comment. They are defined as people born following the Second World War, so mid 1940s to mid 1960s. And where as my parents did nothing for me, I do know plenty of others who did for their kids in this bracket.🤷‍♀️

I also understand the old lady who doesn't want to move to help others. I think for some it's hard to give up your home, a home you've lived in for a long time, especially when elderly. I think it's very selfish of her family to expect her to.

ADropofReality

But OPs parents have helped her out and she has enough money to pay deposit and first months rent on a house share.

No one is suggesting buying anything at this stage, just moving out and living independently like many of her age do. Even today.

You said you're paying rent etc anyway, so why don't you just rent somewhere else

I imagine because the 'rent' she is paying is not even remotely close to what it would cost to rent elsewhere.

Seriously, you're aghast at having to turn a knob to obtain hot water and it has never occurred to you that you could share a home with someone other than your boyfriend? Not sure if you're incredibly sheltered, spoilt or just a bit daft.

Every post that has told you to move out is 100% right. You’re old enough to manage on your own or with your boyfriend. Don’t pay towards the boiler repair as you’ll need all that 6K dad gave you. Parents mean well but time to stand on your own feet and grow - you can do this. Don’t write your parents off by cutting them off as I read in an early post. Keep in touch with them both and show them you are independent. They do care about you and would be devastated if you disrespected them by shutting them out over this. You may need your parents support later on so excluding them would be the wrong thing to do. You don’t have to live in their pockets but they’ll want to know how life is going for you.
Rent somewhere and see if the boyfriend wants to join you. Why set out to buy together straight away? You don’t know how you’ll get on until you’ve tried it. If you buy straight away and it doesn’t work out - then resolution of finances is costly and more stressful than if you rent. Alternatively live on your own. If you’re as independent as you say then you can do this.

Why because she's 21 does she deserve any less of a safe place to live than an 11yo?!

That's just silly ; at 21 I could send Ute I had a roof over my head and provide fur myself- at 11yo I relied on my parents to provide for me.

OP, I know you want to save for a house deposit, but you've made a good start and now it's time to rent modestly so in time you can buy something. I think you might have learned a few tricks about saving money from your DF.

Wow. ADropOfReality, That’s one hell of a bitter lemon you’re sucking on. Waa waa, I cant buy a house and it’s all the fault of every single boomer. Here’s a tissue, dry your eyes.

Really curious to know just how many of you stating she should move into a house share have done so yourselves.

I moved into a shared rented flat (in London) at 19. Had a lot of fun. Bought my own place (not in London) with DP in my late 20s. My parents were supportive. They certainly didn't hint I should go live with my boyfriend's family - they knew I was either an independent adult or their responsibility. Not my boyfriend's! And my boyfriend at 19 wasn't my eventual DP.

A lot of people seem to have missed the fact that the OP has been trying to protect her mother from her abusive father. That's one reason she doesn't want to leave. Her parents' bullying and manipulation are why she lacks confidence about moving out and living alone.

Good luck pepper you sound sensible and you'll find your way.

In answer to your question op - take the money and run.

It must feel very hurtful to have your Dad speak to you like this. My parents have always been v supportive to me but I can also see that as they get older they want to 'cut the ties...'
Don't be sad, move out, hold your head up and take that next step. You sound like a lovely lady xx

Really curious to know just how many of you stating she should move into a house share have done so yourselves.
This amused me. I shared a room not just a house when I moved out! And it was with strangers each time, because that was all I could afford.

I did, at uni, then I moved back home for two years, then bought a house with my husband, when I was 23. Because I was in Scotland and we had the deposit, prices were low.

My daughter is currently doing it and is in her third year of doing so, and saving to buy also.

I moved out when I was 18 into a house share and lived in one until I was 22 after which I lived with my sister.

I can't imagine if I had stayed living with my parents complaining about the house!!

I lived in a house share, as did every one I went to University with. Bizarre comment Stokie to suggest people posting here didn’t. It’s always been quite normal and certainly was usual 20 odd years ago.

you have to turn a knob to get the heating/hot water to work

My god, can there be such suffering?

Oh don't be a pillock, the boiler is broken. Its not the turning of a knob its the fact that it isn't working, the heating won't come on to time and the house is damp or did you ignore the bit about stains on the ceiling and walls due to damp?

Took me three days of no heating coming on in the early morning to get my boiler fixed and I don't have a problem with damp

The man is an idiot for not getting it fixed and apparently doesn't care about the damage/deterioration to his own home let alone the effect it .

Really curious to know just how many of you stating she should move into a house share have done so yourselves.

Err... literally everyone I know?!

My parents sold our ‘family’ home when I was 19 and at university, so moving back ‘home’ was never even an option for me. I think it’s great when parents are able to do this for their kids but I’m so surprised at all the posters acting like it’s child neglect to expect your kids to move out before they’re 30!

OP, I really hope you find something suitable. Maybe seeing you move out will inspire your mum to escape his clutches too?

Yes, that made me laugh too, PigletJohn. My current boiler's the same

I lived in house shares for years, as did everyone I know. Don't most people? (I suppose not, since the OP says she's never thought of it.)

I wouldn't make my 21yo pay rent, and the parents sound awful, but that's not the question being asked here.

8 Pages in now, OP, and there is an overwhelming agreement that it makes utter sense to start looking for a shared house / flat.
Obviously we don't know where you are in the country, but you say you have been working and saving for some time, whilst paying rent and other bills at your parents. In which case I reckon you must be able to afford a room in shared house or flat - even if it means putting your saving on hold for a bit. You will have £6k either as 'emergency fund' or to add to the savings you already have, or to subsidise your living costs, as you choose. You might find though, that you are inspired to take a couple of shifts of pub work or something similar to add to your savings pot for a year or two as many of us did when saving for a deposit. (Not only do you earn, but you are not spending those 2 nights a week). When you live alone and don't have to fit round other people, it is easier.
It just seems like the right time in your life to make the move. Your parents can sell up and live their life. Unless your Mum chooses to leave your Dad, then it really isn't your responsibility to make decisions about your own life to give her support

*Really curious to know just how many of you stating she should move into a house share have done so yourselves.

Or were many of you of the generation that were lucky enough to be able to afford deposits to your own properties upon leaving your parents homes?!*

I lived in house shares from the age of 18-23. With people I didn’t know and a lock on my bedroom door. I was safe.
I saved up a deposit over 10years and bought a house aged 28.

OP have you looked at websites like www.spareroom.com or www.flatshare.com? You might be pleasantly surprised at what’s available.

Your parents want you to leave so they can sell their house and move abroad. Whether or not that’s good for you, they’ve decided they want to do this. Living at home isn’t going to get any better, so why not move? It might be just what you need.

So baby boomers buy Spanish villas and sneer at their kids who cannot afford studio flats in the UK.

Baby Boomers are selfish and do not give two hoots for their kids; to them, their kids can get stuffed. They didn’t have parents to fund their homes; so they think their kids should not expect them to fund anything. They don’t care that the world has changed since they put their £30 deposit down or their £1.11/6 weekly mortgage repayment. They don’t care the housing boom has left them with enormous house they could remortgage. In my own family one member has now been left, widowed, adult children moved out, alone in a 3-bedroom house she can’t even now get around to hoover; the idea of downsizing and using the proceeds to help anyone else is just beyond her.

Wow how bitter and incorrect can you be.

How about you don't generaalise an entire generation @ADropofReality Lazy sweeping statements are pathetic and prove nothing.

I know of many baby boomers that firstly haven't had it easy themselves and secondly have helped family. That doesn't fit your incorrect narative though does it.

Really curious to know just how many of you stating she should move into a house share have done so yourselves.

Yes for a number of years (18-25) through uni and after, as did my DH.

Thank you @C8H10N4O2 you got what I meant. I really hate that some people think I'm being bratty and entitled. I'm the complete opposite. I work with children and families who really do have these issues x100 and don't have the resources or knowledge to help themselves so it's really difficult to come home to similar problems that can be so easily fixed.

And to the PP who mentioned me being in this position because I didn't go to uni... I did go to uni, and I worked 2 jobs at the same time. I worked really bloody hard and came out with a first, your comment was silly.

@Myimaginaryreindeerhasfleas thank you for that I'll have a look.
Other than uni house shares I didn't realise it was so common!

And to the PP who mentioned me being in this position because I didn't go to uni... I did go to uni, and I worked 2 jobs at the same time.

I think that poster meant that if you’d moved away from home for uni (no idea if you did or didn’t) then you’d probably have lived in a flatshare with other students before now, so it shouldn’t feel like a big deal or something particularly surprising.

You mentioned friends living in the same area, do any of them live with parents too? Might any of them be interested in moving out and sharing a flat with you? Or maybe they might know some other people who might be looking?

The best flatmates I’ve found have been through friends-of-friends, and barely a week goes by that I don’t see someone posting on Facebook saying that they or a friend of theirs are looking for a new flatmate! Spareroom can also be good too though, I’ve had some decent flatmates through that (and one slightly odd one who was nevertheless perfectly harmless!)

it’s very common, OP. My DD uses these sites to find flat mates. It works very well!