To return all of the money

[peppersprayfirst]

Hi, hoping for some advice.

Background is I'm 21, live at home with my mum and dad. My mum is amazing. My dad has always been IMO and in dsis's emotionally and financially abusive towards her. He has pushed pretty much all of her family and friends away throughout their lives together, new friends come and then quickly go for some reason or another due to the way he is. She never felt that she could leave because she was a SAHM and did bits and bobs to help with his business rather than formal employment.

I have always worked and saved and am doing quite well and getting together a deposit for a house. My mum and dad had a second home abroad which they recently sold, with the proceeds they gave me £6k to go towards my savings. Obviously I was very grateful for this, but knowing how he can be I was a little wary. I am very independent and don't like relying on people for things too much, especially money.

They now have decided that they want to buy another (different) house abroad and want to retire there and live there permanently. They have made it very clear me living at home is a massive inconvenience to them because they can't sell this house. They had me later in life after a struggle to conceive again so I know I was very much wanted, but surely they thought about this part? I feel like I'm in the way, but I can't afford to live alone yet and me and my partner aren't ready to live together just yet.

They are going away again soon and are leaving me to look after the house and pets which is tricky as unlike them I work full time and am out of the house all day. The boiler is currently broken and you have to turn a knob to get the heating/hot water to work, it's been this way about 2 months now but they haven't got it fixed. Last night I went to turn the thing and it made a funny noise and the hot water didn't work like it usually has been. I said to dad I think it might be getting more broken and I'm worried it will break when they are away and I won't know what to do. Dad complained because he 'has no money' I said 'you can't pay to fix the boiler but you can pay for a second home!!?'
I haven't really seen him since but I just got in from work now and he mentioned the boiler is working when you release the pressure thing and that I must have been 'mistaken' last night but said it in a nasty way as if I was making it up? I just said 'oh right, I wasn't mistaken though it was being funny lastnight'. Then he said 'you know the comment you made lastnight about the second home, it's going to be a first home very soon'. Like a threat😂 I just thought how ridiculous, I'm not like mum you can't intimidate me with stupid remarks I'm stronger than that. I said 'oooooh that really got me' (which sounds stupid written down but wtf do you say to that) he then said well when the boiler breaks when we're away you can pay for it with the 6k I gave you. I thought wow I was waiting for this!! For him to use it against me!! I just said 'have it back I don't want it' he said 'I don't want it back' but really nastily.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask them to get the boiler fixed, I would be happy to pay toward it. The house is also really damp, there's water marks all over my ceiling because of leaks as it isn't maintained well and all of my clothes and sheet smell strongly of damp I have to use shedloads of unstoppables to get it smelling nice. My mum hates it too, we still try to keep it nice and cosy but mum won't stick up for herself even though she knows he has the money to sort things he just won't use it unless it's something that benefits him.

They are hinting for me to go and live with my boyfriend at his parents house and although I love my boyfriend I think that would put a lot of pressure on us and if something went wrong between us I would have nowhere to go.

Should I just give him the money back? I hate feeling like I owe him something or he has some kind of control over me because of it. However, the money is a big help and will allow me to leave home sooner. I feel so awful that mums had to put up with this for so long. He's not a nice person at all. I don't really want his money.

I realise I am very privileged and there are people much worse off in the world than me. I work with disadvantaged children and families every day and see the complex issues that that have, I am not unaware. I realise that this isn't the worst problem in the world.

I'm 23, everyone I know bar myself and my sister live in flat shares if not at home... I don't get why you didn't think of it?

It absolutely baffles me that you hadn't considered a flat share.

Agreed
I’m waiting for the dripfeed that the mouldy, boilerless house is in Holland Park or similar...

Have you spoken to a mortgage advisor? It’s worth doing if you haven’t already, there are lots of schemes to help you get on the property ladder, help to buy, shared ownership, things like that. If after a mortgage consultation you are still not in a position to buy then look up shared houses, you can get lovely double rooms with en-suites etc. It will slow down your saving a mortgage deposit but it won’t stop it completely.
Whatever happens you need to find alternative housing so your folks can sell up & move.

And house/flatshares with strangers would of been my idea of hell at any age.

move out.let them do wtf they want to. Give back the money if casting up "but i kept it cos you might use it against me "is an issue. move it,or even half it to a just incase/outta actual picture acccount..and tell your mum its there-if she wants/need sit cos she doesnt like her life. rent /whatever...id of got chuckt out for the "2nd home\boiler"thing...i was a wanted child-circumstance went tits up and so was 14 when i left.you cani be fiercely independent and tie them to youre ankle on obligation. ...sorry-i sound mean. not that sorry i havent just remembered this isni the kinda dilema i had at 21...

I lived with my parents until I was 20, lived independently for a few years, and then about 5 years later moved into my parents' "first" house, paying them less than market rent but in return doing all of the upkeep (including things like paying for boilers!) for them. In some ways it was great, especially financially. But living in privately rented accommodation is also great in other ways - it's much easier to disagree with a landlord who's not related to you.

I'd never be able to move out alone at the moment as where I live rent is just too expensive.
You have £6,000, plus savings, plus income. I live in a fairly expensive city in the south east, and £6000 would pay over 4 months rent on my 3 bed house. I'm sure you could find a studio/1 bed flat within easy visiting distance of your boyfriend.

As long as my children are living productive lives they are welcome to stay at home. It's their home.

I think some of these replies are a bit harsh op.

I agree Myheartbelongsto.

OP use the time between now and when your parents away to investigate and find somewhere else to live.

Also cancel all bills connected to your parents house, don't be made to feel guilty for cancelling the TV, internet etc you will not be living there so these are not your costs.

@ADropofReality - how terribly bitter you are. Please don't paint all us 'baby boomers' with the same brush. Just because your parents haven't rushed to help you out, don't assume that's the norm. If you were one of my daughters, I'd be ashamed that I'd brought you up with such expectations.

To the OP - yes move out, get a house share, small studio, whatever. You're obviously unhappy at home, and you have the wherewithal to get started on true independent living!

A deposit within 100 miles of London now is £50k if not more. £6k will go in 6 months rent.

This is nonsense.

The comments on this thread to the OP are actually just awful. “You work full time - you can afford it” what if she/ he is working full time on an apprenticeship = earning less than minimum wage. No consideration for the OP outgoings, they may have a “just add fuel” car = + £380 per month car payments. They could have a student loan coming out of their wages. All the comments seem to come from people who are way older people whose kids have left home, or people with kids way younger & no idea what lays ahead. As a mum of a 19 year old (plus more) almost all the comments are deluded. The OP is 21!! In this day that is sooooo young to leave home. My 19 yo can not afford to do it. She works so hard for peanuts, has a car to pay for & doesn’t have much left after, definitely not enough for proper rent. Give this young person a break!!

Just keep the money, if he tries to use it against you tell him he has no right as he gave it willingly and it's yours now. Last it out as long as you can but stay out of his way as much as possible. Don't bring up the boiler again as it sounds like he's using it as an excuse to get his money back. Get in touch with a financial advisor tell them your earnings and savings and then see what kind of mortgage you can get. If you can get one buy a two bed and rent out the second room to help with the costs.

Or go and be the lodger in someone else s two bed for now while you get used to being away from ypur parent's grip

I think the OP would have mentioned if she was an unpaid intern or on an apprenticeship - she implies in her OP that she has a decent job and a few years of work experience behind her.

You don't need a car unless you live rurally or need one for work.

She won't have to pay back her student loan until she's on a reasonable income, and then only slowly.

But in any case, she has £6K in her pocket - which will pay for a rented room for a year while she works things out.

@Surfingtheweb somebody with some sense!

Because she agrees with you.

@Bluelady exactly that

@surfing the web. Its a discussion forum.your allowed to say what you thonl,them that do generally qualify the reasoning or are utterly bonkers .the op is 21.alot of us have been. i wasnt "the type"to save or care at that age....her presentation of the situation/parents/money was delivered in a way that sounded a wee bit more than a little bit brattish. ..its just the way the cookie crumbles..as i said..i moved out at 14,.not even close to ideal..so my experience is not compatible.i have a 23 yr old ds that left at 17 for uni.its do-able to not rely on parents.it just is

If I was you I'd definitely look into a house share or a private lodger in somebody's house. I think this way, only a small cut of your income will be on bills/rent etc and you can still save up to own eventually. I feel really sorry for your mum, my dad was awful too but she eventually got out and left him, hope your mum sees sense, however you don't need to put up with him just because your mum has. I'm only a couple of years older than you, I moved out when I was 20 and now have a baby, honestly, it IS doable and you can do it!

Also.. forget complaining about the boiler etc, leave it to him, he sounds like an utter arse! Save your money for the next couple of months, get a house share or even a 1 bed flat and keep in contact with your mum! Don't give him the money back just yet but have it ready for if he ever throws it in your face again

@Surfingtheweb thank you for that, I'm glad you understand. I do have a car to pay for, it's not a luxury, I need it for my job. I feel like I'm defending everything I say now!

I'm not brattish, I'm just sad for my mum and upset about how things went with my dad. I can't understand why she stays with him. This is a very public place so I don't want to give too much of myself away which means you don't really get the full picture and I probably do appear abit 'off' here but I'm not in real life, promise!

Fairenuff and PositivelyPERF and PigletWasPoohsFriend

Who all just accuse me of being bitter or sucking on a lemon or being an entitled so-and-so who wants the world to revolve around me

I beg your pardon? Where on earth have I accused you of anything? I have made 1 post to you on this thread:

Fairenuff Wed 02-Jan-19 20:23:27
ADropofReality

But OPs parents have helped her out and she has enough money to pay deposit and first months rent on a house share.

No one is suggesting buying anything at this stage, just moving out and living independently like many of her age do. Even today.

In no way did I imply or think that you were bitter. I do now.

You have no idea of how people live or what their circumstances are and your sweeping generalisation above does come across as bitter imo.

No-one on this thread is suggesting that OP can buy a house or flat right now. Everyone who advocates moving out is saying share a house or flat or take lodgings. This is what most of us did at that age. It's normal.

FairenuffandPositivelyPERFandPigletWasPoohsFriend

Who all just accuse me of being bitter or sucking on a lemon or being an entitled so-and-so who wants the world to revolve around me

But of course you're baby boomers who have houses with 4 bedrooms (even though the kids have left); you can afford months in Lanzarote while wondering why your sons and daughters can't buy their own studio flat. It must be because they're lazy. You wouldn't dream of giving your kids money to help them buy their own flats; why should you? Your mams and dads never helped you. It's almost as if economic facts have massively changed in the last 40 years.

Well @ADropofReality you look a bit stupid when your facts are wrong. Best not to assume things about posters because you end up with egg on your face, as you have done with what you have assumed about me.

Try growing up.