To think this is unfair on the father.....

[Hops614]

I am just curious to find out what others think....

A very close family member of mine had a child when he was in his early 20s (around 10 years ago). The father lived with the mother and child for the first year then moved back to his hometown after the breakdown of the relationship which is 130 miles from the mother and child. Since then only the father has driven the 130 miles (each way) at least once a month to visit the child or to bring her back to his hometown for a visit then will drive her back. No matter how many times the father has begged the mother simply refuses to drive even half or even quarter of the way. Instead he is continuously doing the 260 mile round trip, at least once a month. Aibu to think the mother should be meeting the father at a services half way? Sometimes he drives for 5 hours a day just to see her for a few hours. The mother gets very angry when he approaches the subject of her possibly driving half way. What is the general opinion on this?

Well I have expressed sympathy for iamtheoneandonly2018 who posted this:

My DP EW did this. She cheated and moved 25 then 30 now 40 miles away. DP does 99% of the picking up to drive back to his. When he mentioned it she said, "It's YOUR access - if you don't pick him up, you don't see him'.

That's not right.

Yes, if he did 50% then they should do shared journeys.

I think we are mostly agreeing that 50/50 of everything would be fair but since that is rarely the case, regardless of who moved, the NRP ought to do more of the travelling since they do less of the parenting. If that is not out of choice then they have the option to go to court for increased contact / residency or consider moving themselves. People do it all the time for romantic relationships so why not children? Every situation is different and the rights and wrongs of who left who and who is choosing to be an eow parent and who having it forced on them all colours the 'answer' about what is right but ultimately, in relation to the OPs situation it's pretty clear that he should be doing the traveling since its the only thing he is obliged to do whereas the mother is doing all the actual parenting. 28/30 days.

I know a woman who split up with her husband and just to spite him she took their 3 young children (1, 4 & 6) and move 125 miles away, and flatly refuses to meet him part way EVER he has to do the 5 hour round trip every other weekend. Sometimes she comes back to their hometown to see friends but never tells him she’s in town, just so it isn’t made easy for him to see the kids. That’s what you call a bitch.

I agreed from the beginning that in this scenario it seems fair for the father to do the travelling.

However I was making the point that I believe there's often a bias against fathers in responses on here.

In this situation he's deemed to have "abandoned his child". People are suggesting that to retain a relationship with his child, he should remain living in his ex's hometown. But I'd wager that responses to a woman moving from her ex's hometown back to her own with the kids would be more supportive (because "It's natural that she wouldn't want to stay in a town where she doesn't know anyone except her ex" / "because she would want her support network of family and friends around" etc).

"I think we are mostly agreeing that 50/50 of everything would be fair but since that is rarely the case, regardless of who moved, the NRP ought to do more of the travelling since they do less of the parenting"

So assuming the resident parent is likely to be mum, she's free to move the kids potentially hundreds of miles away and to expect the NRP (dad) to travel every time if he wants to see his kids?

That's kind of what I'm talking about. Appreciate that there are loads of deadbeat dads, but it must be difficult sometimes for men who do want to be involved in their kids' lives.

Just for disclosure, I'm not overly invested in this at all - it doesn't reflect my own circumstances or anything like that.

Well kind of yes, the RP shoulders an enormous burden as a single parent and if moving a significant distance makes that possible well then perhaps its what has to happen. Of course there are cases where things are done out of spite but honestly I would struggle to believe that anyone would uproot their life, their own network etc just to piss off an ex. I suppose it all depends on if the NRP chose to be that or not. In so many cases on here it IS the mother who is left to a unwilling and unchosen single parenthood. If, in those circumstances she chooses to move to make life practically and financially viable, independent of the minimal maintenance she may or may not get, then I think that's fair enough and the ex in those circumstances should suck it up with regard to travelling.

elvis86 I think there's more sympathy for a woman as we're usually the RP so obviously more need for a support network.

Yeah like I say, I'm not disputing that mum is generally the RP and if one parent is disinterested / crap then it's likely to be dad. I just think there's generally bias against dads because of that fact.

I think it's often actually pretty much impossible not to be unfair to someone when there's a relationship breakdown.

All of a sudden you're no longer a team and you have to balance everyone's needs.

But IMO the NRP should be doing the majority of the travelling as they have far more freedom the rest of the time. Obviously, not when shared 50/50.

To think this is unfair on the father.....

Do you think it is fair that the father has moved 130 miles away from his child?

Do you think it fair that he sees her once a month for a few hours and calls that 'parenting'?

Do you think it fair that he is never around for any of the events at her school?

Do you think it fair that the childs mother is the person who has to always take a day off when she is sick? Who always has to do school pick up and drop off? Who always has to give up their time for sports and parties?

Do you think it's fair that this man has effectively abandoned his child and still whinges about having to drive to actually spend time with her?

Do you think it fair that instead of trying to work out how to spend more time with her, all he is upset about is having to actually put himself out to be able to spare a few hours per month for her?

What a wanker he is.

Yes, YABU.

Yes YABVU

YABU Op. He moved away. He made that choice. He could've stayed closer. He chose not to. He chose convinience over his child 🤷🏼‍♀️

Does he do half of the driving for everywhere else the child needs to go? School? Cricket.? Gymnastics?