To think this is unfair on the father.....

[Hops614]

I am just curious to find out what others think....

A very close family member of mine had a child when he was in his early 20s (around 10 years ago). The father lived with the mother and child for the first year then moved back to his hometown after the breakdown of the relationship which is 130 miles from the mother and child. Since then only the father has driven the 130 miles (each way) at least once a month to visit the child or to bring her back to his hometown for a visit then will drive her back. No matter how many times the father has begged the mother simply refuses to drive even half or even quarter of the way. Instead he is continuously doing the 260 mile round trip, at least once a month. Aibu to think the mother should be meeting the father at a services half way? Sometimes he drives for 5 hours a day just to see her for a few hours. The mother gets very angry when he approaches the subject of her possibly driving half way. What is the general opinion on this?

Not sure “father” is the best word to use for someone who has fucked off for 353 days of the year, is it?

^This.

He left his partner to do all the parenting 29-30 days a month and whines and wants her to do even more hours because he can't be arsed?

Isn't there a train or coach, might be easier.

My DP EW did this. She cheated and moved 25 then 30 now 40 miles away. DP does 99% of the picking up to drive back to his. When he mentioned it she said, "It's YOUR access - if you don't pick him up, you don't see him'.

He doesn't sound like much of a father if he's moved 130 miles away and sees his child once a month. As others have said, the other parent is doing all the caring, juggling, school stuff, covering illness etc The least he can do is do the driving to see his child.

I hope he's at least paying fairly if he's not there to actively parent.

I agree with the other posters. He knows where his child lives and it's him who has moved so far away so it's his responsibility to do the journey.

@Iamtheoneandonly2018

Has he been to court to ask for shared pick-ups and drop-offs?

This sounds like my ex, aside from what is happening now.

He moved 220 miles away by choice and is always arguing for me to do half the travel for contact. He wants it equal. Except I do 99% of the parenting and pay for about 95% of the cost of the child as he doesn’t even pay the correct maintenance. He chose to move, he can do the travelling. He should not be burdening the mother with yet another mammoth parenting task given that he has passed over the burden of 93% of the parenting to her.

I don't think this is anyone's business except the two parents and the child's but, no, he chose to move so far away. I don't think it is unreasonable for him to make the journey once a month. It would be a real pain for the mother to have to drive with a child for such a long time. Presumably when dad travels to see child, he stays nearby or with, sees them and takes him or her out.

Won't be long before the child will be old enough to get on a train to visit dad.

I don't think this is something to get angry about, all the mum has to do is say no. What dad is asking is frankly unreasonable but they do need to be cordial for their child's sake.

@Bishalisha is the CMS not an option?

It's unfair on the child to have to travel so far, no matter who's driving.

@consolidate they’ve just issued a DoE order so now he’s responding to them claiming he hasn’t received any of the paperwork and disputing the figures HMRC have him for his income. It’ll get sorted eventually. He’s now going for sole custody of our DC and I suspect that the maintenance is a large factor in him making that decision.

@RB68 I’ve been to court with this issue.

ExH moved for no particular reason, just fancied a change of scenery. It would cost me more than he pays in maintenance per month to do half the journey twice a month, so judge agreed he did all the travel.

Now the dc are old enough (mid teens) their father pays for their train tickets and they come and go by themselves (although less than twice a month as they have other things they’d rather do)
The judge in my case took a dim view of him

I wouldn't call him a father. A sperm donor, maybe.

@AnneLovesGilbert - too true.

He chose to move to the other end of the country from his kid when she was a year old.

Why should she have to drive if he moved away? His choice - his drive. YABVU.

#consolidate#

He won't go to court. He has ASD and is CONVINCED they'll side with her and he'll lose contact. Believe me I've tried telling him they won't do that- he won't do it.

@Bishalisa

What a dick. I hope the court see right through him.

When my ex suggested it was "only fair" that I did 50% of the contact driving, I told him I'd consider it when he did 50% of the parenting. And covered 50% of all her costs. I said I thought 50% responsibility for everything was a great idea.

Never got mentioned again...

Well the court would likely order her to do part of the driving at least. It's up to him whether or not it's worth going to court over.

Also depends partly on why the relationship broke down

@Iamtheoneandonly2018

I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds like the kids are lucky to have him as a dad.

I feel for anyone dealing with a situation like this, it must be so bloody infuriating because it's senseless. My ex is a dick but at he doesn't feel so entitled that he believes our child should be conveniently delivered to his door for their visits.
You can imagine what a martyr the man in the OP will act like in future, 'I travelled to pick you up each and every time' not even taking into account the driving round the mother does for the benefit of the child the whole rest of the month. Not to mention actual parenting.
I only hope the kid doesn't pick up on the resentment during the drives.

He practically abandoned his child. Don’t feel sorry for him. How would you have felt as a child if your father suddenly left home and only showed up to spend a few hours with you once a month?

@consolidateyourloins this is after he didn’t see him Properly for nearly a year as I found out he had a conviction for beating his wife and their pet dog up and he refused to see him in a contact centre. He did a few times then demanded that I do a 210 round mile trip and pay half the costs of the contact centre and refused for another 7 months to see him when I said no to that demand...

Yep, agree with all the others.

If he'd stayed near by, he'd probably be seeing his DC every other weekend and maybe having them over one night in the week, he'd be going to school plays and parents events, he'd be helping cover when his DC was sick from school, or the ex was ill.

But he hasn't, by moving he's opted out of parenting responsibility, even if he had good reasons for the move. Therefore no, the exP shouldn't have to try to make the tiny, insignificant bit of parenting he does as easy as possible - he's made a choice that means he's incapable of helping her out if she's struggling with any of the parenting she's responsible for.

Have you asked him why he doesnt' move back closer to his child?