Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unfair on the father.....

188 replies

Hops614 · 02/01/2019 13:47

I am just curious to find out what others think....

A very close family member of mine had a child when he was in his early 20s (around 10 years ago). The father lived with the mother and child for the first year then moved back to his hometown after the breakdown of the relationship which is 130 miles from the mother and child. Since then only the father has driven the 130 miles (each way) at least once a month to visit the child or to bring her back to his hometown for a visit then will drive her back. No matter how many times the father has begged the mother simply refuses to drive even half or even quarter of the way. Instead he is continuously doing the 260 mile round trip, at least once a month. Aibu to think the mother should be meeting the father at a services half way? Sometimes he drives for 5 hours a day just to see her for a few hours. The mother gets very angry when he approaches the subject of her possibly driving half way. What is the general opinion on this?

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 02/01/2019 14:35

Well lets face it many here are projecting.

I think you are actually @RB68 because everyone else but you is saying the same thing. They can't all be bitter ex wives surely?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 02/01/2019 14:36

My FIL was talking this Xmas about the year that they drove a total of 38,000 miles in order to facilitate dh and BIL’s sport.

(Generally it was less than that as there is a big age gap so they only really had one child at a time to drive around. However that year dh was 17 (and the Welsh no 1 junior) and BIl was 10 (and already the Welsh no 1 Under 12) and they had to get both of them to events - usually in different places or if it was the same place often on different days.)

A particular highlight was the “weekend of 1000 miles’”.

When they got home they had to carry on parenting every other day as well!

Original poster
Hops614 · 02/01/2019 14:36

I could have given more detail about the dynamics and perhaps I should have but I was asking for a general opinion. Maybe it was wrong of me to ask for an opinion based on little facts. Of course I’m ignoring the ‘bad father’ comments but taking on board that actually he was the one who had to make the move so yes it should be his responsibility.
Thank you again for the constructive comments!

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 02/01/2019 14:36

Sometimes he drives for 5 hours a day just to see her for a few hours.
Woo hoo. What a hero.

I don't think it's ever OK for a parent to abandon their child. A very close friend of mine did something similar- once it all died down and it became clear that he had no intention of parenting his kids again he ceased to be a friend.

AssassinatedBeauty · 02/01/2019 14:38

"maybe she was abusive" - now that is a spectacular piece of projection.

Inertia · 02/01/2019 14:41

Is the father meeting half or even a quarter of the costs of bringing up his child? (This includes housing/ utility/ food/ school-related/ extra-curricular activity costs, not just the child's clothes/shoes/uniform and personal items).

Is the father doing half, or even a quarter, of the childcare time?

Is the father doing half, or even a quarter, of the school runs/travel to clubs and activities/ ferrying about to friends ?

Is the father doing half, or even a quarter, of the parents evenings, help with homework, school-related admin such as applications, replying to letters etc?

Is the father doing half, or even a quarter, of the cooking, cleaning and laundry for his child?

Is the father doing half, or even a quarter, of the dental appointments, doctors appointments, vaccinations, time off work when sick, or haircuts for his child?

I'm guessing that he probably doesn't. Yet he's complaining that the one burden he has, once a month, isn't shared equally by the mother, when he was the one that chose to move away?

AlaskanOilBaron · 02/01/2019 14:42

Why is it OK for a father to move five hours away from his child after a relationship breaks down?

Is it OK for mothers to do this too?

Great that you're taking this all on board, but why did it take you this to see where he went wrong?

Bluelady · 02/01/2019 14:42

My husband's ex doubled the distance between us and his children. He drove almost 400 miles every other weekend to collect and return them. When he was unable to do it, I did it instead. So I have a certain amount of sympathy.

scarbados · 02/01/2019 14:46

He chose to move away. He does the travelling.

The few hours he spends with his daughter are presumably the only non-parenting hours the mother has. Why should she spend her time driving to make life easier for him?

Pinkblanket · 02/01/2019 14:48

Moaning about seeing his child once a month? He sounds like a nob.

donquixotedelamancha · 02/01/2019 14:49

Well lets face it many here are projecting.

What projecting? Of course there are complex situations where this happens- but not this one. Based solely on the OP, he abandoned his kid. I think people would be a lot more judgemental if a woman did this.

maybe he is paying a fair amount (not just csa) I don't think there is enough info to call him a shit father.

Paying money does not make you any kind of parent. Yes someone who doesn't support their child financially or practically is a terrible person, but that doesn't mean just giving money absolves an absent parent.

this is about whats best for the child

Of course it is. It is the mum in this case who is doing all that work so it's her decision about what's best for the child. I think a lot of single mums would be too busy or broke to take a 130 mile round trip each month.

WeirdCatLady · 02/01/2019 14:49

You say you’re ignoring the ‘bad father’ comments. How many hours per year does he spend with his child? And yes, it can easily be counted in hours. He’s a pathetic excuse for a father Angry

ArcheryAnnie · 02/01/2019 14:51

He puts a bit of effort in for the sake of his child once a month. She has to put effort in for the sake of that same child every day of the month. I think he's on another planet if he thinks him doing the travelling is unfair.

explodingkitten · 02/01/2019 14:51

I wouldn't feel comfortable myself to send my child for a long drive with a driver who is probably already tired from the first part of the travel. The longer you drive, the more tired and accident prone you are. That is why professional drivers must take their breaks. If something happened I couldn't forgive myself for not doing part of the travel just out of spite because he moved away.

Consolidateyourloins · 02/01/2019 14:51

@BollocksIsNoACompleteSentence Wed 02-Jan-19 14:15:39

You feel sorry for someone who chose to move away from his young child, sees them once a month and even complains about that?

I don't.

I agree, Bollocks.

Consolidateyourloins · 02/01/2019 14:53

@explodingkitten 130 miles is really not that long.

JacquesHammer · 02/01/2019 14:54

If something happened I couldn't forgive myself for not doing part of the travel just out of spite because he moved away

Who says she’s saying no out of spite? It might be physically/logistically/financially impossible.

ravenmum · 02/01/2019 14:54

Well, your friend/family member/whatever was relatively young when he had his child, and didn't get to know her very well before he moved, so I guess there's some excuse for his bad parenting, but otherwise I'm not sure why he/you would ignore those comments entirely.

Bluelady · 02/01/2019 14:55

It's 260 miles there and back.

DeadButDelicious · 02/01/2019 14:56

He moved, he travels. He's made his choice, this is the natural consequence of it.

ThatPeskyElf · 02/01/2019 14:57

He moved, he travels.
The mother clearly has to do everything for the DC while he’s off living his best life or whatever.
He’s had 10 years to find a more suitable job/place to live that’s closer to DC if he hates the travelling that much.
Not the mothers role to facilitate him having a less inconvenienced life.

Consolidateyourloins · 02/01/2019 14:58

Yes, but he's having a long break in between, so really not that bad.

I drive London to Leeds around once a month, and rarely feel the need to stop at services.

TheOrigBrave · 02/01/2019 14:59

My ex moved 20 miles away. That was hard enough for our DS2 (aged 9). Ex also now doesn't have a car (no idea why). DS2 doesn't see him at all now anyway (other reasons), but DS1 (aged 19) was planning on seeing him over Xmas, but then decided he actually couldn't be bothered to cycle all that way.

What has my ex done to try and see his kids. Nothing. No doubt he thinks I should be enabling meet ups.

DustyMaiden · 02/01/2019 15:00

She looks after the D.C. 24/7 and is then expected to deliver the D.C. to the DF so he can parent for a few hours. Doesn’t seem like a good idea to me.

BlancheM · 02/01/2019 15:01

Nope. A very straightforward nope.