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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unfair on the father.....

188 replies

Hops614 · 02/01/2019 13:47

I am just curious to find out what others think....

A very close family member of mine had a child when he was in his early 20s (around 10 years ago). The father lived with the mother and child for the first year then moved back to his hometown after the breakdown of the relationship which is 130 miles from the mother and child. Since then only the father has driven the 130 miles (each way) at least once a month to visit the child or to bring her back to his hometown for a visit then will drive her back. No matter how many times the father has begged the mother simply refuses to drive even half or even quarter of the way. Instead he is continuously doing the 260 mile round trip, at least once a month. Aibu to think the mother should be meeting the father at a services half way? Sometimes he drives for 5 hours a day just to see her for a few hours. The mother gets very angry when he approaches the subject of her possibly driving half way. What is the general opinion on this?

OP posts:
SpikyHedgehogg · 02/01/2019 13:56

Perhaps the mum is already feeling resentful because she has to do everything else 30 days a month on her own?

iamapixiebutnotaniceone · 02/01/2019 13:57

Although I do agree that he 'probably' should be the one traveling if she had anything about her she would do it. If he is putting the effort in too then maybe she should, just to facilitate a closer relationship between her child and child's father. If she did perhaps he could do it more often? I wouldn't expect my children's dad to live away from all of his support network if we separated just for travels sake

BornInAThunderstorm · 02/01/2019 13:57

Maybe the mum could argue that it’s unfair he moved so far away as now he is shirking his share of taking dependancy leave anytime the child is sick, or school is closed, arranging childcare etc. I bet he has the opportunity of a much more active social life what with not actually having to care for a child for most of the month, as well as better work opportunities as he doesnt have to worry about the impact of working extra hours on childcare costs.

If you look at it in this context, I wonder if you think it was fair of your relative to move so far away from his child op? Or perhaps advantageous to him?

In which case he should suck it up and stop whining at the person who is shouldering most of the responsibilty of raising his child

WeirdCatLady · 02/01/2019 13:57

He moved, so he has to travel. I have absolutely no sympathy for him. Hmm

brizzledrizzle · 02/01/2019 13:58

Like others have said, he moved so he must travel.

BelindasRedPlasticHandcuffs · 02/01/2019 13:58

What everyone else said. He chose to move. Why should the mother who is doing essentially all of the parenting have to be out of time and pocket to transport the child when she had no say at all in where he moved to?

Original poster
Hops614 · 02/01/2019 13:58

Ok interesting to hear lots of the same opinion! Thank you for having an input, it’s appreciated!

OP posts:
whatsthepointthen · 02/01/2019 14:01

yabu

Jiminybikkit · 02/01/2019 14:03

Once a month? Moved by choice? Diddums.

Juells · 02/01/2019 14:08

Ha ha, like pp my first thought was..."the new gf or wife"

AWishForWingsThatWork · 02/01/2019 14:08

He travels.

He moved, he travels.

And not only that, he's only doing his share of hands on parenting one weekend a month by the sound of it ... yet he thinks his ex should spend her one or two days off each month spending money and time driving to him to facilitate his access? Really?!

When she's old enough to be put on a train, suggest he pay for train travel and any associated costs in getting her on/off the train at her end.

But yes, he is unreasonable to expect his ex to spend her probably precious single day or two off driving around for him.

Gth1234 · 02/01/2019 14:08

it perhaps is unfair, but despite it being a close family member, you don't really know the full dynamic. Maybe your relation still holds a lot of pain for the way she has been treated.

PottyPotterer · 02/01/2019 14:09

if she had anything about her she would do it.

Wtf is that supposed to mean? Maybe she can't afford the travel what with housing her dc and all Hmm.

I probably travel 200 miles a month to accommodate my dc's sport, it's hardly a hardship, sounds like he thinks his dc isn't worth the effort tbh.

FrancisCrawford · 02/01/2019 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MammonRouge · 02/01/2019 14:09

He moved

Dollymixture22 · 02/01/2019 14:10

Everyone agrees - that never happens!

I will add my voice - he moved, he travels. He know moving so far away would impact on his relationship with his child, yet he did it anyway. Once a month is not regular contact - he should move closer and try harder.

ADropofReality · 02/01/2019 14:12

If the mother had instead moved 130 miles away with the child, who should do the travelling then?

BettyDuMonde · 02/01/2019 14:12

My husband drives a longer round trip to collect his daughter, more often too.

He’s never asked her mum to do any of traveling - he moved. Her mum is planning to move herself soon ( in the opposite direction) so if that happens, we hope she will consider a mutually agreed meeting point.

We’d currently only ask DSD’s mum to travel in exceptional, unavoidable circumstances (serious illness, family bereavement, that kind of thing).

Villanellesproudmum · 02/01/2019 14:13

I drive more than that a day a few times a month for work!

Original poster
Hops614 · 02/01/2019 14:13

Thank you.. nope I’m not wife or girlfriend, he is a relative of mine through marriage. I was genuinely curious on what the general opinion was on this as it’s something that we had been discussing this morning (my DH and I) and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him, perhaps I shouldn’t.

OP posts:
CloserIAm2Fine · 02/01/2019 14:14

YABU

he chose to move away from his child, it’s his responsibility to travel

Meanwhile the mother is doing all the parenting the other 28/29 days out of the month, including all sick days from school, school holidays, inset days, snow days, teachers strikes etc and suffering the impact this need for flexibility will have on her career unless she happens to have great support.

“At least once a month” really isn’t any great claim to being father of the year.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/01/2019 14:15

I agree that travelling by train could be a good option in a couple of years (I'm assuming the DC is now 10, so maybe at 13).

Re. moving 130 miles away. I"m guessing that he had a good job opportunity that means he can support his DC well? He still doesn't see them much, though, which is a shame.

BertrandRussell · 02/01/2019 14:15

He sees his child 12 tines a year and is complaining about the travel????

I do hope the poster is the child’s mother gathering evidence......Grin

RolandDeschainsGilly · 02/01/2019 14:15

So he fucked off 130 miles away, only sees his DC once a month for a few hours, and you want us to get the violins out?

Nah. What about the woman? Left alone to raise a child with zero support from the father.

Fuck him.

BollocksIsNoACompleteSentence · 02/01/2019 14:15

You feel sorry for someone who chose to move away from his young child, sees them once a month and even complains about that?

I don't.