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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unfair on the father.....

188 replies

Hops614 · 02/01/2019 13:47

I am just curious to find out what others think....

A very close family member of mine had a child when he was in his early 20s (around 10 years ago). The father lived with the mother and child for the first year then moved back to his hometown after the breakdown of the relationship which is 130 miles from the mother and child. Since then only the father has driven the 130 miles (each way) at least once a month to visit the child or to bring her back to his hometown for a visit then will drive her back. No matter how many times the father has begged the mother simply refuses to drive even half or even quarter of the way. Instead he is continuously doing the 260 mile round trip, at least once a month. Aibu to think the mother should be meeting the father at a services half way? Sometimes he drives for 5 hours a day just to see her for a few hours. The mother gets very angry when he approaches the subject of her possibly driving half way. What is the general opinion on this?

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 02/01/2019 14:15

@Hops614 do you have children of your own? How would you feel if their father only saw them once a month and drooped around getting everyone to feel sorry for them because he had to do a 260 round trip once a month? Honestly it's nothing.

mindutopia · 02/01/2019 14:16

I cannot imagine moving 130 miles away from my child. I'm originally from a different country and have no family or long-term friends (like I mean the really good ones from when I was growing up) here now. If my dh and I ever split up, I'd have no one. But you couldn't pay me to up and leave and not be near by kids. Sounds like dad made the easy choice back then and wants someone else to make it even easier on him by sharing the driving. If he lived closer though, he should share more equally in parenting and be more present in his child's life, without spending so much time driving around.

OneTiredMomma · 02/01/2019 14:16

He chose to move all that way away from his CHILD, and apparently cool with seeing her just once a month? And then complains about the travel? Tough shit, IMO. He moved, he should travel. Or if he were a better father, move closer and see his child more often.

I think if me and DH ever split up he'd have to be surgically removed from the house. He'd want to live next door, or in a "granny flat" above the garage, he couldn't be without them. Even seeing them on a weekly basis would destroy him. It baffles me that a father could move so far from their kids.

NeverTwerkNaked · 02/01/2019 14:16

Agree with pretty much everyone else - he chose to move, so he should travel. I don’t particularly like where I live right now but I would never move my children away from their dad. Not would DP move away from his children.

AssassinatedBeauty · 02/01/2019 14:17

Yeah, I can't see how you could feel sorry for him. He could move closer, see his child more often and not have to do the driving. It's very entitled of him to expect his ex to facilitate his access to his own child, that he left.

Sausagerollers · 02/01/2019 14:17

He drives to see his DC 12 times a year, A YEAR.

He should be ashamed of himself instead of trying to get the mum to do more when she does 99.9% already.

These type of men don't deserve the title of "father", he's less of a parent and more like a friendly uncle.

12 times a year; that is just shit.

BollocksIsNoACompleteSentence · 02/01/2019 14:17

I wonder if people whose threads go like this, genuinely realise how unreasonable their opinion is, and if they then change their mind?

OP has this altered your mindset at all? I'm genuinely curious as to whether the vast majority of views on this thread has made a difference?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 02/01/2019 14:18

Since she has done the vast majority of the parenting alone since this child was a baby, I don't blame her for a second for refusing to spend her brief window of freedom once a month driving back and forth to facilitate his contact. He was the one who chose to move away from his child so it's entirely his problem.

Doyoumind · 02/01/2019 14:19

Don't feel sorry for him. He moved 130 miles away and pretty much bailed on being a father. He has two days a month when the child is his responsibility. The rest of the time that child is looked after by mum and has been for 10 years. Is it really fair for her to also give up her time to take the child to a place he alone chose to move to?

RB68 · 02/01/2019 14:20

The courts generally take a different view and half way would be fairer. They would take a dim view of her behaviour. Having said that he could change things by moving more towards where she is

Personally I would be going to court to get it sorted so it as at least agreed as is the contact as going forward the distance may put the child off seeing him and she is getting to an age where soon she will be able to have a say

Banana8080 · 02/01/2019 14:20

He moved away from the child so he travels...end of. If she’d moved away with the child it would be different.

Original poster
Hops614 · 02/01/2019 14:22

Yes it has completely opened my mind to the other point of view, hence why I posted. I think anyone who posts on AIBU should be prepared for different opinions and expect that you may need adjust your way of thinking! If you can’t hack it, get off MN I say 😉

OP posts:
Boredboredboredboredbored · 02/01/2019 14:22

My exh moved last year from around the corner to an hours journey away. His choice to see less of dc. Not once have I taken them to his or met him half way, nor has he asked.

Yabu!

HollowTalk · 02/01/2019 14:22

So all month the child's mum shops, cooks, cleans, gets the uniform ready, checks homework, stays in all the bloody time because there's no back up etc etc etc and he's moaning about sitting on his bum in a car for a return journey each month? Is he kidding?

AssassinatedBeauty · 02/01/2019 14:23

"They would take a dim view of her behaviour." - if this is true then it is a nonsense that she could be penalized for the actions of her ex. He essentially abandons his child and yet she is expected to endlessly facilitate access to meet his demands?

ravenmum · 02/01/2019 14:24

He moved, he travels. He's a major CF for leaving his ex to do all the childcare, let alone coming up with the idea that she should also travel to him. Did they also split up because of him being so monumentally self-centred? No wonder the woman is pissed off.

Boredboredboredboredbored · 02/01/2019 14:24

Spikyhedgehogg has it spot on! Exh sees his dc 2 days out of 14 and that boils my piss, just once a month and I'd most likely tell him not to bother Angry

JoroL · 02/01/2019 14:29

My step daughter goes to her Mothers 25 miles away (used to be 125 miles until last year) every other weekend.
Mother chose to move away but still expected my OH to do all the travelling at his expense and she didn't pay child support.
We still have to split the travel but I has to put my foot down and refused to do all the travelling first.
Mother comes and gets dsd from our local train station on Friday evening
We go and collect her from her Mothers Sunday evening.

Ellisandra · 02/01/2019 14:30

Not sure “father” is the best word to use for someone who has fucked off for 353 days of the year, is it?

Boils my piss that some would see him as a dedicated good man, never missing a month Hmm and doing “all” the driving Hmm

Think about OP, he’s doing fuck all parenting. So a bit of driving 12 days a year is hardly a big deal.

BollocksIsNoACompleteSentence · 02/01/2019 14:31

Good for you for taking it on board OP.

You'll still get another eleven million posts confirming he is BU even though you have already accepted this Wink

BlimeyCalmDown · 02/01/2019 14:31

He has to put himself out once/twice a month and he whinges about it! really!? Who does he think is looking after his child for the other 28 days!!! This is enough to make me feel angry on behalf of the son's mother....

RB68 · 02/01/2019 14:32

Well lets face it many here are projecting. We don't know why the move, she is not facilitating access is she, maybe he does want more, maybe he is paying a fair amount (not just csa) I don't think there is enough info to call him a shit father.

I didn't say she would be penalised in court I said they would take a dim view

I also didn't say whether i thought this was right or wrong - but just recently have had alot to do with cafcaa, SS and the courts for one reason and another and what is clear to me is that what is deemed fair or equal to parents is not seen as such for the child necessarily. for e.g. if you are doing your utmost for your child you facilitate contact if that means driving half way on "your day off" then you do.

If we take another view in that maybe she was abusive so he moved a fair distance to get away - we just don't know. Its grim and its hard and sometimes a slap in the face but this is about whats best for the child not the Mother or Father

LollipopCakeThing · 02/01/2019 14:32

Can he not afford to go more often? Is he able to get more access or is he happy with oncw a month.

My DH regularly travels that distance - and further - and returns home that day - and might do that several times a week for work. Its not far. If it was my child I would go as much as possible or move closer.

SPR1107 · 02/01/2019 14:33

This happened to my brother but in reverse. Their relationship finished, and his ex upped and moved 200 miles away with his DD. He drives 800 miles every other weekend for her. (There, back, there, back)
It was breaking his heart, all his family are here and she is 200 miles away. He has now moved half way between the two. To a place he knows nobody, and he's done this, so his DD doesn't have to sit in a car for 6 hours every other weekend. It costs him a fortune in fuel, the travel costs him a fortune in their time together.
Although not ideal, I can't praise his commitment enough.

SPR1107 · 02/01/2019 14:34

Drove*

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