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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unfair on the father.....

188 replies

Hops614 · 02/01/2019 13:47

I am just curious to find out what others think....

A very close family member of mine had a child when he was in his early 20s (around 10 years ago). The father lived with the mother and child for the first year then moved back to his hometown after the breakdown of the relationship which is 130 miles from the mother and child. Since then only the father has driven the 130 miles (each way) at least once a month to visit the child or to bring her back to his hometown for a visit then will drive her back. No matter how many times the father has begged the mother simply refuses to drive even half or even quarter of the way. Instead he is continuously doing the 260 mile round trip, at least once a month. Aibu to think the mother should be meeting the father at a services half way? Sometimes he drives for 5 hours a day just to see her for a few hours. The mother gets very angry when he approaches the subject of her possibly driving half way. What is the general opinion on this?

OP posts:
Suebnm · 02/01/2019 15:25

The father is what the term 'Cheeky Fucker' was invented for.

Juells · 02/01/2019 15:26

The father is what the term 'Cheeky Fucker' was invented for.

^^ definitely

Consolidateyourloins · 02/01/2019 15:30

consolidateyourloins this is after he didn’t see him Properly for nearly a year as I found out he had a conviction for beating his wife and their pet dog up and he refused to see him in a contact centre. He did a few times then demanded that I do a 210 round mile trip and pay half the costs of the contact centre and refused for another 7 months to see him when I said no to that demand...

Oh goodness he sounds awful Sad

So he's not currently seeing your DS? That's better for your DS.

I'm glad you're not with him anymore. Has his wife left him?

Dimsumlosesum · 02/01/2019 15:32

And at times like these this is when a parent has to make the sacrifice to remain near their child's main residence if they wish to keep seeing the child on a regular basis that ISN'T DETRIMENTAL TO THE CHILD (ie, forcing the child to have to travel long distances based on the selfishness of the parent who moved). My BIL's ex wanted to completely move out of state, meaning his kids would've had to have travelled 3 hours each way just to see him. The presiding judge put an order in place forbidding the mother to move (to be with her new bf), and told her she needs to stop thinking only of herself and think of the children who would've been stuck in the car travelling to see each parent.

CloserIAm2Fine · 02/01/2019 15:33

Why so quick to ignore the bad father comments?

From the info you’ve given he is exactly that, a bad father. One or two days a month, which he moans about driving for, are barely enough to qualify him as a father at all, never mind a good one. He chose to abandon his child by moving far away. He chooses to only see them once a month. He chooses to whine about driving once a month to see them. He doesn’t give a thought to the mother who does 99.9% of the actual parenting of his child.

And no, I’m not a bitter ex wife or single mum! Just a realist.

maternitytrousersatchristmas · 02/01/2019 15:34

My ex-H moved 220 miles away when our youngest was 6 months old. He sees them EOW and does the driving himself. Once every six weeks I might meet him half-way if he asks and it fits with my plans but tbh I generally only say to yes to this if it's due to him doing a lot of driving and I'd rather not have the kids in the car for more than they need to be.

He made the (crazy) choice to move away from his kids, he travels.

Bishalisha · 02/01/2019 15:34

@consolidateyourloins contact is being reestsblished and supervised by family. I’m very worried about court as he doesn’t appear to have addressed his issues and is minimising the severeity of what he has done. It’s scary. Yes she did leave him thankfully

Honeyroar · 02/01/2019 15:35

So many people judging without knowing the full picture. To form an opinion I'd like to know -

Could he have afforded to stay where he was? Did he move home for financial reasons? Does he pay maintenance? What about school holidays? Can the child go for longer periods of time?

To me, 130 miles isn't that far, it just takes a couple of hours. But I drive 200 miles to work. I think it would be nice if the mother met him half way once in a while.

Chocoholic26 · 02/01/2019 15:40

Wow what a lot of backlash! Nobody really knows why the father had to move. I’m
presuming financial reasons would be quite high up there? Maybe he had to move in with family as he simply couldn’t afford anywhere closer...maybe he’s still paying the mortgage/rent of his old home so his child has a roof over their head (I know of men in this very situation) Maybe he simply had no other option. No one knows what the mother is like, maybe she’s making life difficult for him. Everyone is so quick to judge on mumsnet. OP you’re being very dignified in your response to some of these replies. I have friends in this situation and although the father does more of the driving the mother also makes an effort to meet half way on a few occasions per month. Hope your friend can get something sorted xx

toniAAA66 · 02/01/2019 15:43

I divorced my husband because of his affairs and I have care of our three young children. He decided to move nearer to his place of work (50 miles from our home). The family court decided that we had to share the travelling during his twice monthly access visits and that's what the court order says. Has always seemed unfair to me, as it was his decision to move away.

TheTroublesomestTribble · 02/01/2019 15:44

I'm fairly sure that the courts are of the opinion that the travelling should be split evenly, irrespective of which parent moved away.

Is there a court order here OP?

...agree lots of bitterness and projection on this thread

Oswin · 02/01/2019 15:50

Bollocks is it projection. The man sees his child once a month for hours. That says it all very clearly.

BrokenWing · 02/01/2019 15:50

Maybe save your sorry's for the mum who has responsibility for the child 24/7 while he only visits for a few hours once a month or so.

He has begged her to travel 1/2 way, I'm not surprised she is angry!!!! Has he offered to be there to help with the sleepness nights, when she is off school when ill, help with problems at school/with friends, help take her to activities, help with childcare when mum wants a social life etc, no he cant because he chose to move 130 miles from his child and live a life free from any child raising stress. The least, poor diddums can do is drive for a few hours once a month.

BlancheM · 02/01/2019 15:52

Choco why should the mother take responsibility for whatever 'problems' the father has in is life which would affect his ability to travel to pick up his own kid? Why should women keep facilitating poor helpless men when we all face challenges in our own lives, and manage to parent 24/7 to boot?

BlancheM · 02/01/2019 15:53

His*

Juells · 02/01/2019 16:02

because he chose to move 130 miles from his child and live a life free from any child raising stress.

I love the casual, throw-away, "after the breakdown of the relationship" 😂

Plantflavours · 02/01/2019 16:03

I can imagine you and others feeling sorry for him because he is putting it to you solely from his point of view and you already think of him as a good person. Plus, child rearing is typically seen as a woman’s responsibility. Do you think you’d feel the same if he was an acquaintance you’d just met and it was one of the first things you found out about him?

I know a bloke a bit like this. He is seen as SUCH a good guy by everybody and his ex is obviously SUCH a bitch. They had a baby very young. He split up with her and she moved back to where her family are. He never pursued any kind of contact but wrings his hands about it a lot. He tells us how he doesn’t know where he is and he can’t see him now without upsetting him because it’s been so long and her family are just so mean to him and it’s awkward so he couldn’t possibly visit him in their presence. His group of friends (mostly childless) seem to lap it up. They all love to point out that he even pays maintenance! Wow. So he pays the minimum amount allowed and is therefore a saint? I am rolling my eyes so hard it hurts. I see an eighteen year old mother moving back to her family when her partner has dumped her during pregnancy as the most sensible thing to do. And if she made contact difficult, why didn’t he pursue it through legal channels? He avoids the questions but finally admits he’s never attempted to make it happen or sought any advice. Everybody sees him as this great guy, he’s a vegan, left wing liberal, always soooo good to everybody and he even pays for the son he rejected... It’s clear to me that it’s all a bit too much effort so he avoids the situation and presents himself as the good guy by telling everybody he’s doing it for his son’s own good. I do wonder whether the opinions of his friends will change once they have their own children. I can’t imagine a woman ever rejecting her child AND getting cast as the good guy, but he’s pulled it off.

Went off on a bit of a tangent there but I think it’s probably your family link to him that makes you feel sorry for him. You don’t see it objectively.

suzy2b · 02/01/2019 16:04

My granddaughters sp moved about 70miles away in the 5 yrs since i think he has seen her about 6 times she was child no5 he has had 2 more since with 2 different people say he would pick her up boxing day then it was the Thursday and now not at all she is 10 also 3 of the other children were here with my daughter for 6yrs

HeyArthur · 02/01/2019 16:05

I meet my ex half way and he was the one who moved (he's in the forces so he's always moving).
I like driving though and I do it for the benefit of our dc.

suzy2b · 02/01/2019 16:10

So i think he is doing OK at lease he is seeing his child I will also say she has never had any money from him , and if he does come to pick her up my daughter had to take her to the mainland we live on a island and she has to pay for the ferry

BlancheM · 02/01/2019 16:16

I do wonder whether the opinions of his friends will change once they have their own children

Probably not (depressingly). I know a couple of men like you describe and have found their friends with the exception of me, stay loyal. I've seen one of the men cry real tears over not seeing his DD. There are always excuses over missing court dates and choosing women and drink/drugs over seeing her. In his tales of woe, he's the wronged man who has been 'driven' to make poor choices. The facts speak for themselves though. As we're approaching mid 30s and have children, he's been finding that most people don't want to meet him for drinks mid-week so has now moved hundreds of miles away with an easily led 19 year old.

jannier · 02/01/2019 16:20

Presumably when they were a couple he lived in the same town his daughter still lives in, he had a life there maybe a job. So when they split he made the choice to move 130 miles away to go back home to leave his daughter and not be a daily part in her life to be 130 miles away if she is ill so no practical help at all. If he doesn't like the travel why did he do this? Sounds like he made a conscious decision to move somewhere where he knew he would not be taking any parental responsibilities and basically being little more than a visiting uncle. His family should have encouraged him to stay near his child and be a father in more than name now he hasn't he should travel. He might find it cheaper to book into a cheap B and B so he saves some money and can stop over longer.

UncommonName · 02/01/2019 16:24

I don't blame her not wanting to make the trip, he chose to move therefore he does the travelling.

Irritates me that my ex has me walk just 10 minutes along the road every weekend because he can't be bothered to pick the kids up, he has his mother drop them off because they spend half the time he's supposed to have them at hers.
If he decided to move 130 mile away I'd have told him to fuck off.

Consolidateyourloins · 02/01/2019 16:24

@Bishalisha

consolidateyourloins contact is being reestsblished and supervised by family. I’m very worried about court as he doesn’t appear to have addressed his issues and is minimising the severeity of what he has done. It’s scary. Yes she did leave him thankfully

Please don't worry, hopefully the court will see all that and contact will continue to be via a contact centre. I hope you have a good lawyer. All the best to you Bishalisha and your dc Flowers

Worriedmummybekind · 02/01/2019 16:27

No, he should drive since he moved away. It’s not the mothers job to facilitate that relationship beyond ensuring he has access.

From a ‘fairness’ point of view, she is doing almost all the daily care so I think it’s perfectly fair that he travels to her.

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