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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is unfair on the father.....

188 replies

Hops614 · 02/01/2019 13:47

I am just curious to find out what others think....

A very close family member of mine had a child when he was in his early 20s (around 10 years ago). The father lived with the mother and child for the first year then moved back to his hometown after the breakdown of the relationship which is 130 miles from the mother and child. Since then only the father has driven the 130 miles (each way) at least once a month to visit the child or to bring her back to his hometown for a visit then will drive her back. No matter how many times the father has begged the mother simply refuses to drive even half or even quarter of the way. Instead he is continuously doing the 260 mile round trip, at least once a month. Aibu to think the mother should be meeting the father at a services half way? Sometimes he drives for 5 hours a day just to see her for a few hours. The mother gets very angry when he approaches the subject of her possibly driving half way. What is the general opinion on this?

OP posts:

Original poster

Hops614 · 02/01/2019 16:38

I just wanted to add. He moved around with work a lot, they met when he was posted in her hometown, he was reposted back to nearby his home town after the child was born and the mother decided she didn’t want to move with him (fair enough), they tried to make it work long distance and he would come ‘home’ when he was off duty but when the relationship broke down after almost a year, he officially moved back to his home town. Not an ideal situation. But the question was what the opinions are of parents sharing the driving to and from visits and majority says that whoever does the move should take the responsibility of the driving which I do agree with. I’m very sorry to those of you who are sharing their bad experiences with your child’s mother or father.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hops614 · 02/01/2019 16:40

Not sure if that was clear - the posting was down south and the family home was up north... he would go ‘home’ for 3 nights a week for example then he would stay in the work facilities when he was on duty. Which is what I meant by ‘long distance’.

OP posts:

FishCanFly · 02/01/2019 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoaningSickness · 02/01/2019 16:51

When my ex suggested it was "only fair" that I did 50% of the contact driving, I told him I'd consider it when he did 50% of the parenting. And covered 50% of all her costs.

I think this. Regardless of who moved and why the mother is doing the lion's share of parenting, so it doesn't seem unfair that he should have to do more driving.

You can't demand one thing be split 50/50 while ignoring everything else that's spit in your favour.

Birdsgottafly · 02/01/2019 16:56

As said, the one that moves facilitates contact and does the running around.

The drive, once a month, is nothing, in the scheme of being a Parent.

I'm sure the Mother has done her share of long days.

Is he going to move it up a step for him to have her overnight and do some real Parenting?

HugeAckmansWife · 02/01/2019 17:50

I think if contact is eow then regardless of who moved the NRP should be doing the vast bulk of the travelling as the RP is doing the vast bulk of the parenting. As someone said upthread, if it's 50/50 for travelling it should be 50/50 for everything else.

ShalomJackie · 02/01/2019 18:10

When we had to move 2 hours away from the area we used to live in and where DH's ex and DS lived due to my DH's job we did both pickup and drop off eow as it wasn't my DH's ex's choice. Luckily she was sensible and was happy for me to pick up on Fridays (4 hour plus round trip due to traffic) as I had the day off so could collect straight from school and DH used to do the take back 4 hour round trip on the Sunday evening. I do hear of some ex's who wouldn't entertain the new wife doing collections but ex did because it what was best for her DS as he got up to hours by 7pm rather than by 11pm!

In this situation where the "poor father" has chosen to move out of area the "poor father" needs to step up to the mark and collect his child the once a month he has chosen to see them!

elvis86 · 02/01/2019 18:32

I would generally agree that in this scenario it sounds like the father should suck up the traveling and has been cheeky to "beg" his ex to meet halfway. He / they both should have thought about logistics before they had a child together.

However, I do find the barrage of judgment on him as a father OTT and typical of Mumsnet. I get that a lot of posters have had bad experiences, but it would be interesting to see the responses had the below been posted:

"Moved to ex-husband's hometown 130 miles away when we got together. When we split I moved home for family support with child etc. We split custody 50/50, but ex-husband insists that I drop off and pick up child at his every week. I can't afford this etc etc.."

HugeAckmansWife · 02/01/2019 18:36

I think most people on here would say that scenario was fair enough actually. This guy isn't doing any real parenting at all. He could have chosen to change jobs and find work near his child but chose not to. That's v different to a 50/50split which actually can't work over any great distance anyway due to school / nursery places etc.

elvis86 · 02/01/2019 18:45

HugeAckmansWife - I'm not disagreeing that the OP's relative could potentially move to be closer to his ex and child.

But I think if mum who moved was complaining that she couldn't afford to make the journey weekly to drop kids off with dad who shared responsibility of parenting, she'd get more sympathy.

AssassinatedBeauty · 02/01/2019 18:53

Not if she had left her child as a baby and only saw them once a month.

Consolidateyourloins · 02/01/2019 19:23

This is completely different to the OP's relative's situation but in this case pick ups and drop offs should be shared 50/50.

Filler44 · 02/01/2019 19:33

Agree with Elvis

A friend of mine split with his wife after she started an affair.
After a few months of him moving out she decided to move 1.5 hours away to be with the new fella .Promised to do all the driving after the move.

First weekend comes round and you guessed it she point blank refuses to do any driving.
Friend loves his kids, so knows she has forced his hand.If he wants to see them (and them him) he has to suck it up and do all the driving.
Even had to change shifts to make it work.
No point going to court as she would just totally ignore them.

AssassinatedBeauty · 02/01/2019 19:37

Blimey, @Filler44, do you think that putting himself out a bit is too much to expect? 1.5 hrs is not ridiculous.

elvis86 · 02/01/2019 19:38

"This is completely different to the OP's relative's situation but in this case pick ups and drop offs should be shared 50/50"

Why? If she moved?

CheshireChat · 02/01/2019 20:06

elvis86 but it's the fact that it's once/ month that makes a massive difference- both in effort and financially (for him).

HugeAckmansWife · 02/01/2019 20:16

There can sometimes be legit reasons why the RP might have to move with the kids.. House prices for instance or family support. If you are a single parent these factors might necessitate a move away from the NRP, even though in an ideal world they wouldn't. If both are genuinely wanting to do 50/50 then the NRP should go to court and get an order to that effect which would then allow the NRP to get a prohibited steps order if the RP subsequently tried to move but in the all to common scenario where the RP has been left with no choice but to do all the parenting, all the juggling of work /childcare / sick days / activities etc then if a geographical move makes their life viable they might need to do it.. Especially if the NRP is paying no or minimal maintenance. In that case I think 50/50 travelling would reflect a fair division.. The RP moved but is also doing 95% of all the parenting.

elvis86 · 02/01/2019 20:20

"elvis86 but it's the fact that it's once/ month that makes a massive difference- both in effort and financially (for him)."

But I didn't see anyone suggesting that if he increased frequency of contact, that the mother should meet halfway / alternate driving..?

That's kind of my point - regardless of the details of this scenario, there's a double standard on here when it comes to fathers.

If a mum had moved 130 miles back home and complained that her ex wanted equal custody and for her to make the journey twice each week to facilitate it, I think she'd get a lot of sympathy. Yet a lot of people on this thread stated "He moved, he drives".

Consolidateyourloins · 02/01/2019 20:26

But I didn't see anyone suggesting that if he increased frequency of contact, that the mother should meet halfway / alternate driving..?

That's because it's so rare. Men who move away rarely want 50% care.

No she wouldn't. It would be 'She moved, she drives (half the time as they do 50/50).'

See sympathy above for Iamtheoneandonly2018 's partner who is doing all pick ups and drop offs despite is ex partner having moved away.

Consolidateyourloins · 02/01/2019 20:27

despite his*

Filler44 · 02/01/2019 20:33

AssassinatedBeauty you are right 1.5 hours is not a lot, but remember it is 3 in total.
You miss the point though, the ops male friend moved away and most people are saying, he moved he should travel. I have no issue with that.

But your post suggests that in my friends case even though his ex wife moved it is still ok to expect the man to do the travelling.
Double standards ?

elvis86 · 02/01/2019 20:35

The only response I can see to Filler44's post is this:

"Blimey, @Filler44, do you think that putting himself out a bit is too much to expect? 1.5 hrs is not ridiculous."

Which is exactly what I'm talking about!

If the OP returned and posted an update explaining that her relative had proposed 50/50 custody with shared journeys, you'd presumably agree that was entirely reasonable then?

elvis86 · 02/01/2019 20:36

*Let's say 50/50 until the child is of school age, just so it's a plausible suggestion.

Armchairanarchist · 02/01/2019 20:40

DS drives that five days a week just to get to and from work. Your relative only manages it once a month, after HE moved. I think he's a CF for even asking the mother to drive.

AssassinatedBeauty · 02/01/2019 20:56

No, it's not "double standards". I'd expect the parent who moved away and did not have a resident child to do the driving. What I'm saying is that even so, it is ridiculous to whinge about a 1.5 drive to see your own child, infrequently. Many people do that daily as a work commute. It's not some horrific massive hardship.

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