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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cancel our holiday

237 replies

Barnumshumbug · 02/01/2019 12:36

I've name changed for this. I have a 13yr old DS who refuses to go on holidays. He doesn't like travelling at all. There's no real reason behind this. He's NT with no issues.

We have two other children both older. for the last four years we haven't had a holiday as DS refuses to go on one. We were tentatively talking about going abroad this year, as it's not really fair on the other two. They were so excited, however predictably DS had such hysterics, we've booked a hol in the UK. Since we booked, just after Christmas, DS has moaned and sulked every day and it's not until July.

I'm so at the end of my tether with it. I'm trying to understand DS and talk with him, but his only answer is he doesn't like being sat in cars for a long time. I'm also trying to balance out the needs of my other children. I'm actually getting to the stage where I'm thinking of sending DH with the older ones and I'll stay at home with DS. Or

I know in the scheme of things, this isn't a huge problem, but I've been sat in tears this morning feeling so frustrated that he's sulking again.

Can anyone suggest what they would do ?

OP posts:
TopperTaylor · 03/01/2019 18:45

Send him on a PGL holiday while you go away!

Solange1973 · 03/01/2019 18:52

My ten year old son always moaned when we had to go out or away. I gave him a very simple choice: come away with us in which case he was allowed his IPad or stay behind with no electronics allowed. Needless to say, he came with us. That actually infuriated me as it was clear proof that his world revolved around his bloody electronics.

Now, the choice is simple, come with us or stay behind but they’ll be no electronics either way. To be fair, I don’t need to say that anymore. He knows the drill, he’s happy to come along!

PengAly · 03/01/2019 18:52

Tbh yes the all the feedback to OP has been negative and a lot have doubted her parenting skills but a lot of people are asking questions about why and signs of any other issues that OP is not answering. More info would help her get advice

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 03/01/2019 18:55

for the last four years we haven't had a holiday as DS refuses to go on one.

Do you let him dictate everything that goes on in your family life? Confused

Since when was a child given the choice or even the chance to voice an opinion about such a thing? Hmm

While he's a child and your responsibility, he goes where you go. If he finds it boring or not to his liking then tough. So long as he is safe and his basic needs are being met, he'll just have to suck it up.

If chooses to spend his holiday in a corner somewhere in a sulk while the rest of you are enjoying yourselves, that's up to him, but it shouldn't stop the rest of you living your lives.

Gth1234 · 03/01/2019 18:56

Another thought.

It's easy to say get a friend or a GP to look after him, but why on earth should they?

Becca54 · 03/01/2019 18:58

Our daughter was like this. When we did leave her behind with close friends to go on holiday she came home & had a party,leaving the house in a mess. I couldn't trust her to go on holiday again so the rest of the family went without me.
From 13 to 19 she was very difficult.
I wish we'd got her a counsellor. Please think about this.
She's an adult now & with many years of always being there for her through hard timed she has pulled through and has a great job & lovely partner. She thanks me for my past support. One day I'll know why she just couldn't cope with life. See a counsellor, sort this out!! Save yourself grief!!

Liketoshop · 03/01/2019 18:59

He knows his bad behaviour wins hands down. Truly shocking that you've allowed him to rule. Grow balls and take charge. Are you a rational parent or a door mat because you've put him first over you and your other kids. Leave him with friends or relatives. He`ll come round and if he starts on hols kick his badly behaved backside into touch !

PeachyPeachTrees · 03/01/2019 19:01

Has he been away on any school trips? Ones where there is some travel and few nights away from home and out of regular routine?

AnyFucker · 03/01/2019 19:02

Two questions :

  1. are your older dc from another relationship ?

  2. are your older dc girls ?

I don't expect an answer btw, as op seems to have plopped and run

HappyBumbleBee · 03/01/2019 19:07

Who is the adult and who is the child? I think you've pandered to him long enough and it's about time he did as he says told!
I would not leanne him behind with anyone or change holiday arrangements - tell him to stick it up and get used to the idea! You've let him dictate for long enough

Soubriquet · 03/01/2019 19:08

Why on earth does your youngest child get to control the entire family?!

He has a choice. He can go on holiday and not make a murmur or he stays with family

Don’t let the older two miss out because he has strops

HappyBumbleBee · 03/01/2019 19:09

Who is the adult and who is the child? I think you've pandered to him long enough and it's about time he did as he is told!
I would not leave him behind with anyone or change holiday arrangements - tell him to suck it up and get used to the idea! You've let him dictate for long enough

Edited to fix typos

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 03/01/2019 19:09

While I ageee that one child shouldn’t dictate what the rest of the family do . It can be very hard to force a 13 yr old to do anything . Partly because often they are physically too big ! Secondly they are masters at making life hell if they want to.

All very true. However, there are six months between now and this holiday. That's a lot of time without a phone/X Box/Wifi password. Every time he mentions it or moans, that's a privilege gone for a week. If the day of the holiday comes and he kicks off and physically resists going, then I suggest a back up plan like staying with grandparents should be put in place, and he is told in no uncertain terms that upon his parents' return, he loses privileges for a month.

It's up to him to decide if the risk of making a fuss is worth it.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/01/2019 19:17

DS1 was our holiday-hater, starting when he was about 15. We left him with the grandparents and went our merry way without him. DS1 was more interested in his friends and their 'band' and preferred to spend his time with them practicing their 'music'.

Plus our trips were usually National Parks or other camping in our caravan. DS1 is definitely to this day a 'city boy' and the wonders of nature impress him very little. When our travels took us to larger cities, he usually came with us.

I agree with PP, don't cancel the holidays to pander to him. Is there no one with whom he can stay?

Notveryadventurousname · 03/01/2019 19:17

Not questioning why it has got to this state, families are complicated, life is busy and things just evolve sometimes. But if he carries on dictating like this, it might reate real resentment with his siblings, now and when they are older. I would definitely book him on closest PGL or other residential. It's not all outdoorsy stuff, there are gaming, acting, film-making music, theme park, surfing options etc, lots of choice, and if you leave booking closer to the time, they offer big discounts or could do 241 with a friend or cousin. Needn't be seen as a failure that he doesn't come with you, just that he has different preferences and maybe he will be more independent in the long run. He'll meet lots of people from UK and abroad (they often stay for 2 weeks plus). Last time I took my DD to PGL there was a teenager who'd been dropped off by the rest of the family on the way to the airport because they discovered her passport was out of date on the morning they were due to fly. Nobody batted an eyelid, she seemed thrilled and, according to my DD, had a great time!

Tinkobell · 03/01/2019 19:20

I think the PGL idea that's been bounced around here is excellent. I'd give him the choice though - family or PGL and just a week to decide which he'd prefer......if he can't decide go PGL.

Tinkobell · 03/01/2019 19:26

Another option to consider for HIM (alone) would be an Ocean Youth Trust holiday. It's 5 days on the open sea, rain or shine with full crew duties round the clock on a shift basis. They get about 3 hours kip a night between shifts. My lad went on one. Afterwards he never complained about another holiday ever again 🙂 ....in fact whenever he has a little whinge about the holiday plans I always suggest another spell with Ocean Youth Trust - they are clipped to the vessel so can't fall overboard by the way!

emzw12 · 03/01/2019 19:26

I agree with all the other posters why are you letting him dictate?
However, if you feel sorry for him and don't want to take a strong stance to start with why don't you try and find somewhere fairly local to start with? I have a Center Parcs about 20mins away from my house and other resorts less than 1 hour drive. Why don't you start by looking for going somewhere close to home for a few days. I don't want you to panda to him but it might be the starting point you're looking for.

SoupDragon · 03/01/2019 19:28

I wouldn't be pandering to him any more.

thenightsky · 03/01/2019 19:29

If he hates holidays, why would he even entertain the idea of PLG? Confused

SoupDragon · 03/01/2019 19:32

It's a shame there isn't an equivalent to a cattery for children

jade19 · 03/01/2019 19:34

people aren't going agree with me but if not be sat in the car for long periods of time is his only reason. My response would be tuff titties your going.
Let him sulk. If you let the others go and you stay home or if you cancel your letting him know if he sulks he will get what he wants. xxx

tillytrotter1 · 03/01/2019 19:35

Definitely leave him with grandparents/ aunt etc. No need for the rest of you to suffer.

With the instruction to the grandparents that he gets no treats, he's not on holiday. Tell them to save a few unpleasant jobs for him to do.

pollymere · 03/01/2019 19:36

It sounds like he hates long car journeys. Maybe go by train so you can spend time with him rather than him being squished in the back of a car.

Orangecake123 · 03/01/2019 19:38

I agree with the others don't let him dictate he's 13. Leave him at home with someone else.

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