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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel our holiday

237 replies

Barnumshumbug · 02/01/2019 12:36

I've name changed for this. I have a 13yr old DS who refuses to go on holidays. He doesn't like travelling at all. There's no real reason behind this. He's NT with no issues.

We have two other children both older. for the last four years we haven't had a holiday as DS refuses to go on one. We were tentatively talking about going abroad this year, as it's not really fair on the other two. They were so excited, however predictably DS had such hysterics, we've booked a hol in the UK. Since we booked, just after Christmas, DS has moaned and sulked every day and it's not until July.

I'm so at the end of my tether with it. I'm trying to understand DS and talk with him, but his only answer is he doesn't like being sat in cars for a long time. I'm also trying to balance out the needs of my other children. I'm actually getting to the stage where I'm thinking of sending DH with the older ones and I'll stay at home with DS. Or

I know in the scheme of things, this isn't a huge problem, but I've been sat in tears this morning feeling so frustrated that he's sulking again.

Can anyone suggest what they would do ?

OP posts:

ShesABelter · 02/01/2019 14:26

Im sorry but that's madness. I can't believe for four years you have allowed a child from nine years old call the shots on whether a whole family holidays or not. Because you have allowed him to have the power for so long you have essentially created a monster and he will throw his toys out the pram now you booked one.

I'd of left him with another family member if possible and gone without him. No way would a child be stopping us as a family going abroad. No way.

needsleepzzz · 02/01/2019 14:26

Leave him with a grandparent/aunt/uncle. The other kids shouldn't miss out

greenpop21 · 02/01/2019 14:28

NT?

Dogsmellssobadbob · 02/01/2019 14:28

Don’t be ridiculous
Book to go abroad
Tell him to suck it up and don’t engage anymore

He does it because you have always let him dictate
Your poor other kids

LIZS · 02/01/2019 14:28

So you booked according to his wants and it still is not enough. Is this the only area of life limited by his opinions? If he says jump , do you respond how high for fear of upsetting him! Definitely arrange something for the older ones to enjoy, even if a short break, and give him the choice to stay at home (with gps or one parent) . This is not a situation which has occurred overnight and it should not be allowed to control your family life to such an extent.

Aridane · 02/01/2019 14:30

Fucks sake

He has to suck this up or stay behind with a friend or relative.

This!

eurochick · 02/01/2019 14:37

By not dealing with this four years ago you have let it blow up into a much bigger thing than it needs to be.

DishingOutDone · 02/01/2019 14:38

I spent years assuming that my youngest DD, now 15, was NT (neuro-typical) and often unwittingly giving in to her tantrums and demands at the expense of my older DD just because it was easier. It definitely affected my relationship with older DD.

Then all of a sudden, last Easter, it turned out my DD wasn't NT, far from it in fact and it all fell into place, all the behaviour issues etc. Now her mental health is so bad she can't leave the house but as long as she is safe with her Dad then myself and older DD go wherever we can. Younger DD still tries to manipulate us, because that behaviour is a symptom of her condition, but I don't want it to ruin what time I have left with older DD at home.

So, that's my story and I back up what other posters are saying, this isn't NT behaviour, what else does he do that you have always shrugged off? He needs boundaries or he needs help, but either way if you can find someone he is ok with to take care of him during that time, you need to take the other kids on holiday - holidays of any sort are important to family relationships and it sounds like you can afford it so you need to take charge.

Tell your son you love him and you all really really want him to come, you are booking it, that's the end of it.

GummyGoddess · 02/01/2019 14:40

@DeepanKrispanEven I think it will as he won't be spending every moment with his family normally, and no consoles or solo activities.

greenpop21 · 02/01/2019 14:44

Thanks for NT meaning.

Op as he's moaning and sulking abut the UK holiday anyway, you may as well book the holiday you actually want. It's not as if he is happy with a UK holiday.
Try to talk to him about what it is he fears.

EerieSilence · 02/01/2019 14:47

This must be a made up story, right? A 9y old tells the family holiday is over. 4 years later his Mum wants to stay with him to keep him company while the rest of the family enjoy their holidays.
Seriously, please, tell me families like that don't exist.

Mix56 · 02/01/2019 14:48

when you leave him behind, make sure there is no Xbox !

morningconstitutional2017 · 02/01/2019 15:05

He needs to learn that he can't get his own way all the time and to consider other people. It's high time that he grew out of tantrums. Unless he has a real phobia about flying/travelling etc of course. Point out that his siblings miss out because of his intransigence and why should they? You are the parent so you must assert your authority. Be firm OP, you mustn't let him run rings around you. Point out that nobody loves being in a car for hours on end but that the reward of seeing new places is worth the aggravation.

Otherwise leave him with relatives and he can sulk at home.

Lweji · 02/01/2019 15:10

Given that the holiday is a while ahead, you can give him a reality check of what if you don't want to do things for him either? That would include his meals (he can cook them), clothes (he can wash them), pay his phone, his electronic games (electricity is costly too), use your TV, and so on.

averythinline · 02/01/2019 15:19

I would find o ut what the older two want to do as they have had no choice over the last 4 years ....and do that -but mitigate with minimum car travel....
there are lots of journeys that do not involve lots of time in cars/travelling - trains/flights - city breaks...
if you have no family that would have him then pgl or something in the uk if he refuses....its not like you are talking about the whole of teh summer holidays.. i feel for your older kids

Purpleartichoke · 02/01/2019 15:22

My parents used to plan holidays that made me actively ill. They liked to spend all day in small boats fishing. I have horrible seasickness and sunburn ridiculously easily.

If you are planning trips like that, then stop. Vacations should not cause illness in any family member.

But assuming you are decent, rational people, I would first try to figure out if there is a simple fix. Is he always stuck sleeping on the floor or sofa because he is the youngest? Does the rest of the family love roller coasters but his idea of fun is a museum? If it’s a problem like that, then find a way to make your trips fun for everyone. Get a bigger room, alternate types of activities, switch off who picks the restaurant, etc.

If he really is just a curmudgeon who doesn’t want to leave home, I would see if you can find grandparents or someone he can stay with and go on your trip without him.

Seniorcitizen1 · 02/01/2019 15:24

Give him to social services for 2 weeks and go on holiday with the other two - he sounds a nightmare

pineapplebryanbrown · 02/01/2019 15:29

My youngest truly loathes holidays, of any kind. I get a family friend to stay with him and look after the dogs. The rest of us go off without him, he really is happier staying at home. He's perfectly well behaved so there's no need to punish him, he just hates holidays.

thereallifesaffy · 02/01/2019 15:31

No issues? I think he does.
I'd suggest he has a choice - a week with grandparents (if he has them and if they'd take him) or a holiday with his fun fam

thereallifesaffy · 02/01/2019 15:32

Tho tbf my DC's grandparents never looked after our children (no interest) so I don't know why I'm suggesting that really!

LagunaBubbles · 02/01/2019 15:37

I can't understand why you let a 9 year old dictate whether you did or didnt have a family holiday.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/01/2019 15:48

He might be NT, but he might have anxiety or something.

OR he might just be a spoilt baby brat who knows that if he creates a big enough scene, he'll get his own way.

HArd to tell.

Either way, I'd find him someone else to stay with, book the holiday and go with your older 2. Can't believe you've let things go like this for this long without finding a way round it.

BloodyConscience · 02/01/2019 15:48

Give him to social services for 2 weeks and go on holiday with the other two - he sounds a nightmare

I don't think social services provide babysitter services.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/01/2019 15:50

Far too much responsibility too young. My dd doesn’t like doing certain things. we find a compromise and rewards She’s 10 so a yese older then when you gave in.

NettleTea · 02/01/2019 15:52

"Since we booked, just after Christmas, DS has moaned and sulked every day and it's not until July."

and you already are looking at cancelling the UK one.

Christmas was only a week away.

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