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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cancel our holiday

237 replies

Barnumshumbug · 02/01/2019 12:36

I've name changed for this. I have a 13yr old DS who refuses to go on holidays. He doesn't like travelling at all. There's no real reason behind this. He's NT with no issues.

We have two other children both older. for the last four years we haven't had a holiday as DS refuses to go on one. We were tentatively talking about going abroad this year, as it's not really fair on the other two. They were so excited, however predictably DS had such hysterics, we've booked a hol in the UK. Since we booked, just after Christmas, DS has moaned and sulked every day and it's not until July.

I'm so at the end of my tether with it. I'm trying to understand DS and talk with him, but his only answer is he doesn't like being sat in cars for a long time. I'm also trying to balance out the needs of my other children. I'm actually getting to the stage where I'm thinking of sending DH with the older ones and I'll stay at home with DS. Or

I know in the scheme of things, this isn't a huge problem, but I've been sat in tears this morning feeling so frustrated that he's sulking again.

Can anyone suggest what they would do ?

OP posts:
TheMincePiesAreMine · 02/01/2019 12:57

I'm sure you've explained that this is fair because you've fitted round him for X years and this is what's going to happen.

You've given him plenty of time to get used to it. Play the long game. Talk if he actually wants a real conversation about it, ignore the sulking, he'll get used to it by July.

My son is autistic and doing some things is really hard for him. The anxiety is often worse than the event and if possible, a few dry runs with no pressure on him can help. We also use explicit bribery - we know it's hard for him so he might have a new book he likes for the car, sweets for the journey etc. But it's not "if you do this journey you will get some sweets", it's "we ARE doing this this journey, and we know you find that hard so here are some sweets to make it a bit easier".

I would have no problem in making him go. It's time. How is he with school residentials etc? Would he go camping for a night? Sometimes the anticipation is worse than the event and he might have it built up in his head a bit now, so it might help to break it down into steps.

PumpkinPie2016 · 02/01/2019 12:59

You can't deny the whole family a holiday because one person doesn't want to go.

However, I don't think it's as simple as not wanting to leave behind his games console (of he has one ) because this started years ago - he is now 13 and you haven't been away for four years so since he was 9. This suggests the issue started before that which I would have thought was too young for consoles to be the issue.

Does he have a rear of some sort of transport or does he get travel sick? As a child, we often took ferries abroad as we had a caravan. I was really afraid if travelling by ferry even though a only did the dover-Calais crossing and it made me feel really sick - probably due to anxiety.

It's totally irrational and as an adult I wouldn't bother about getting on a ferry but at the time it was terrifying. My parents did help though by sorting travel sickness medication and sticking to the short crossing and then driving the rest.

You need to try to work out with him exactly what bothers him and work to find a solution.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/01/2019 12:59

So, 4 years ago, your then 9 year old dictated that your family couldn't go on holiday?

Sounds silly written like that doesn't it? I don't know what the answer is op, but it's unacceptable to allow this.

You need to get to the bottom of why.

Sirzy · 02/01/2019 13:00

Do you do days out? Weekends away? How does he cope with them.

You need to sit down with him and be blunt that it is happening but if he can tell you what exactly is worrying him you can help him

pictish · 02/01/2019 13:03

Leave him behind with a grandparent, aunt or failing that, a family friend.
You are being a pushover and allowing a child to control your whole family. Fuck that.

FFSFFSFFS · 02/01/2019 13:03

So when he was 9 years old your whole family didn't go on holiday because he said he didn't want to??

Why on earth did you just tell him he had to go. Cripes.

roundaboutthetown · 02/01/2019 13:04

If your ds doesn't like being stuck in cars for a long time, then a UK holiday was a lousy choice, wasn't it? I can't believe you have let him hold your whole family hostage for four years. Is there no-one else you can offload him on? Staying behind with him is better than nobody going, but tbh, I think you should have tackled the reasons for his stance years ago, rather than letting his position become entrenched to the point he cannot seem to remember a single good reason for hating travelling so much that it justifies him stuffing up the chance of a holiday for his whole family every single bloody year.

Groovee · 02/01/2019 13:05

I'd leave him with grandparents/auntie and go away with the others.

CatnissEverdene · 02/01/2019 13:06

Our youngest was and still is a complete home bird and always hated holidays. So she had the choice of coming with us or staying with her nan. Some kids do get really distressed out of their own environment, but sometimes we all need shaking out of our comfort zones.

I'd give him the option, but the sulking has to stop.

ThrownMuse · 02/01/2019 13:06

Is it just holidays, OP, or are there other situations?

NettleTea · 02/01/2019 13:07

nobody likes going in long car journeys. Especially 11 year old boys. I have one with ASD who would happily spend all waking hours on his computer
But unfortunately in life you dont get to do what you want all the time, so we go on holiday. We take phones and ipad. we take books and we agree its boring at times, but thats just how it is.
But no way would a tantrum stop us.
He has learned that throwing a strop gets him his own way, and thats not fair on everyone else.
Now he is starting already because something, not even the something you want, has been booked recently. He has got away with it for so long that you are going to have quite a struggle on your hands to break it, but break it you must. If there are no issues, then he cannot win this one. Otherwise you will be held hostage to his every whim and it will extend out to other stuff as he gets older, once he realises the power he has.

I dont understand how you let it happen when he was 9.

Redgreencoverplant · 02/01/2019 13:09

I can't get my head around the fact that your DS had a tantrum so you changed your holiday plans and disappointed your two other children. Have you always given into his tantrums. I thought not giving into them was the first rule of parenting!

DarlingNikita · 02/01/2019 13:09

YABU. Why does he get to dictate to the rest of the family what you do? And when he was NINE? (not that thirteen is OK, but nine is beyond ridiculous).

I'd leave him with someone if that's an option. He might genuinely love it; or he might decide that he hates holidays less than he thought. But at his age he really shouldn't be deciding things for you all like this.

ComfortablyGlum · 02/01/2019 13:09

You are doing him zero favours pandering to him. A 13 year old child needs direction and discipline. You have now given him control and acceptance (behaving like a brat, sulking getting his own way).

Think of your son at 23 throwing a strop at his potential gf/ wife because she wants to do something he doesn’t. Or at work where he’s given a task the little snowflake doesn’t much fancy doing. He’s learnt from you that this is acceptable to kick off because that’s how he’s been brought up - sulk and get his own way.

You choose your holiday he is told where you are going end of. Ignore all sulks or punish him with removal of internet / games consoles etc. He needs a dose of reality.

Ellisandra · 02/01/2019 13:10

The best time to get to the bottom of it and not be held ransom was 4 years ago.

Book him on a PGL holiday on his own. (they are fab, it’s not a punishment)

Then everyone else go abroad.

OrdinarySnowflake · 02/01/2019 13:10

OK, long car journeys are shit. So fly

Honestly, cancel the UK holiday and book what you want to do with the older ones overseas. Agree if there's grandparents he can stay with, then you might as well save the money rather than have him ruin it.

Some people do get very stressed about being out of their little routine, but pandering to that at this early age isn't setting him up for a successful life, it's going to give him a small world.

As an aside, what's he been like when he's got on holiday?

Surfskatefamily · 02/01/2019 13:10

Either leave him with family or do as you suggested, one of you stay home

toriatoriatoria · 02/01/2019 13:12

Do you have any family he could stay with instead?

It doesn't seem fair a child is dictating to the rest of the family like this. Also if he is getting his way on this issue what else is he dictating to the family? You have other children and all of them should be considered, not just the one who shouts loudest. This does sound like a fairly easy way for the other children to start resenting their brother which isn't going to help in the long run.

Rachelle3211 · 02/01/2019 13:12

No do not stay home to be with him. He sounds insanely spoiled. Of course he throws a tantrum to get his way. You keep giving in to him! You all go away and he can stay with Grandma. And no video games if that's his thing. You are teaching him to be this way.

FacingUp · 02/01/2019 13:12

Waiting for the drip feed to justify such wet blanket parenting....

Grow a backbone and tell him he’s going!

llangennith · 02/01/2019 13:13

You allowed a (then) 9yo to dictate the family's no-holiday plan for four years? I'm gobsmacked!

DragonMamma · 02/01/2019 13:14

Fucking hell. There’s no way a 9yo would have been dictating to me whether we go on holidays or not. How have you let this go on for 4 years?!

I’d either be forcing him to come or leaving him with relatives. But equally, I would be taking his consoles or whatever is clearly stopping him from wanting a holiday!

grimupnorth1 · 02/01/2019 13:15

Is there some kind of residential summer camp or something he might prefer to go to instead alone?

Skang · 02/01/2019 13:15

How does a 9 year old refuse to go on holiday? Did you have one booked and blow it off because he wouldn't get in the car? I don't understand.

MakeAHouseAHome · 02/01/2019 13:17

How or why on earth are you letting this child dictate your life like this!? Who is the parent here, why are you even CONSIDERING giving him an 'out'of this. Genuinely gobsmacked you have pandered tk him and allowed him tk deny the family a holiday for FOUR years. He doesn't get a say...

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