Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel our holiday

237 replies

Barnumshumbug · 02/01/2019 12:36

I've name changed for this. I have a 13yr old DS who refuses to go on holidays. He doesn't like travelling at all. There's no real reason behind this. He's NT with no issues.

We have two other children both older. for the last four years we haven't had a holiday as DS refuses to go on one. We were tentatively talking about going abroad this year, as it's not really fair on the other two. They were so excited, however predictably DS had such hysterics, we've booked a hol in the UK. Since we booked, just after Christmas, DS has moaned and sulked every day and it's not until July.

I'm so at the end of my tether with it. I'm trying to understand DS and talk with him, but his only answer is he doesn't like being sat in cars for a long time. I'm also trying to balance out the needs of my other children. I'm actually getting to the stage where I'm thinking of sending DH with the older ones and I'll stay at home with DS. Or

I know in the scheme of things, this isn't a huge problem, but I've been sat in tears this morning feeling so frustrated that he's sulking again.

Can anyone suggest what they would do ?

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 02/01/2019 22:19

I think your son's issues need to be addressed by a child psychiatrist or pediatric psychotherapist to be honest with you-there's no shame in seeking help if his anxiety is affecting the entire family. My son has severe special needs both physical and psychiatric and we see a family/child psychiatrist quarterly for medication management after he was an inpatient for almost four months in a psychiatric facility for stabilization, Best of luck OP

AfterSchoolWorry · 02/01/2019 22:27

Don't allow him to dictate the holiday OP. He's being a brat! Shock

ThisWayDown · 02/01/2019 22:57

I’m another saying I strongly think he’s either not NT or, as a PP suggested, he may have had some trauma on the last holiday he went on.

I’d strongly urge you to get him some counselling because aside from the effect on the rest of the family, which isn’t on, it can’t be good for him to have such strong feelings about it he gets hysterical.

Bear in mind too that it’s quite typical for ASD traits to become more obvious in children as they hit pre-teens because of hormones and their brains developing, as well as the increased cognitive load on them as they become more independent and go to secondary school.

everydaymum · 03/01/2019 00:02

PPs are suggesting psychs and MH issues. It may be as simple as several years ago OP's DS got his way when he didn't want to go on holiday, for normal grumpy child reasons. Since then the family has walked on eggshells and he knows that he just has to sulk and he's not expected to do anything he doesn't want to do. He's probably just a stubborn kid who has been allowed to hone his skill.

ThisWayDown · 03/01/2019 00:13

It may be as simple as that everydaymum but surely worth considering that it’s not. Perhaps if the OP comes back they can tell us more.

user139328237 · 03/01/2019 00:28

This is a particularly strong reaction though and isn't normal teenage behaviour. Either there is something that makes long car journeys particularly hard for him (which could be something as simple as you previously expecting him to be crushed in the middle or stuck in the back row of a 7 seater many of which are frankly unsuitable for long journeys) or there is anxiety at play somewhere.

Bertiebitch32 · 03/01/2019 01:56

I feel for your dc I was the same but my reasons were because I got terribly travel sick and I had the fear of wetting myself because my father would refuse to make toilet stops and then I'd get a hiding but that's my problems. Do you think there is some underlying anxiety maybe like new situation and socialising? My dd used to be like this op she's on the spectrum and is very rigid in her routine. We don't tell her about the holiday but spend time preparing her for a trip out. Please don't let your kids miss out on holidays it's not fare on them. Have you got a grandparent or trusted family member that he could stay with? It might also call his bluff or maybe he might realise what he's missed out on

foxtiger · 03/01/2019 10:25

He's 13. He doesn't have the right to "refuse."

He's coming with you and that's that.

linsey2581 · 03/01/2019 17:50

May I remind you that you are the parent and he is the child. He does not dictate to you what you as a family want to do. Therefore book your holiday and drag his sorry ass to wherever you are going he is going to just have to suck it up!

Pinkpeanut27 · 03/01/2019 17:52

While I ageee that one child shouldn’t dictate what the rest of the family do . It can be very hard to force a 13 yr old to do anything . Partly because often they are physically too big ! Secondly they are masters at making life hell if they want to . Mine often take it in turns to feel unwell when we make them do something they don’t like usually dizzy and sick and weak ( they know I hate sick) so even if I force them I have an awful time so it’s just not worth it .
Now 2 are d enough to be left on days out and we factor in everyone’s likes and dislikes on holiday .
We are just booking ours and one of mine kicked off about part of it being boring . It’s amazing they feel they have a right to an opinion ! We ignored him of course but he will probably sulk but I will ignore that as well !

FOTTOSOFTFOSM · 03/01/2019 17:54

Wait so an NT kid throws a tantrum because he doesn't want to "sit in a car for a long time" and as such your entire family has no holidays for FOUR years? Way to teach him that sulking works to get your own way. Also don't be surprised if his siblings resent him because his sulks stop them all doing nice things.

Why on Earth you didn't nip this in the bud 4 years ago I don't know. As it is he comes or he stays with a relative who will ensure his week is utterly boring eg no consoles, no internet etc.

FOTTOSOFTFOSM · 03/01/2019 17:55

If there's a genuine anxiety or something else totally legit that's different but this just sounds like he thinks it will be boring so he sulks until you give in. I fear you will have created use issues by giving in for so long.

Beenherebefore · 03/01/2019 17:59

One of my children also hates going anywhere. He'd much rather stay at home, where he has his stuff, there is no change etc.

Do what I tell him and say "tough! It's not all about you, get out of your comfort zone and suck it up kid, because it's happening".

Once there it's never quite as bad and although there is a bit of grief I ignore it and only interact with positive, happy behaviour.

MadCatsBabies · 03/01/2019 18:00
  1. they are not normal and they do have an issue if going away on holiday is causing them such an issue. You need to get to the bottom of that and some therapy or help for them so they aren’t holding the rest of the family back from doing a normal thing families do.
  2. they are a spoiled brat who either needs to be told they can put up and shut up and go on holiday or find them someone to stay with who won’t pander to them for a week whilst you all go away and have a lovely time and they’ll learn that they aren’t allowed to hold the family hostage.

That’s harsh, but I don’t understand why a 13 year old has been allowed to dictate what the family does...

Bekabeech · 03/01/2019 18:02

I can't understand why you have let a child dictate to you like this since they were 9!

13 is trickier - but I don't know how you got here.

And I have DC with SN and MH issues. We still do things, and negotiate to make them doable/enjoyable for everyone.

Are you sure he doesn't have MH/SN issues? He certainly needs some counselling or help.

Jux · 03/01/2019 18:05

Of course he has issues! Way back whn was 9 he discovered that he could get his wy if he tantrummed and sulked enough. He's done it every year since and you let him.

Find him a counsellor and tell him that he WILL be going this year, and net year he will be going on holiday with his family abroad.

CripsSandwiches · 03/01/2019 18:09

What about a residential trip for DS e. G. Pgl? They often do accompanied train rides from certain stations.

ihearttc · 03/01/2019 18:09

I was your DS. I was absolutely terrified of going on holiday. Even the thought of it made me feel physically sick.

I have no explanation for it apart from an intense anxiety about the unknown. I wouldn't go on holiday at all when I was a child.

I became slightly better as an adult but it was only because I could articulate that I was terrified but I didn't know of what.

I would still spend the weeks before I went anywhere in a complete panic.

It all came to a head about 6 years ago. DH had booked a holiday somewhere he had been before but we both (and the children) wanted to go. I was excited right up until the morning we were going until I had a huge meltdown at 3am about not going to the airport. DH said he would never forgive me if I ruined it (tough talking but it worked) and virtually dragged me into the taxi to the airport.

We went and I absolutely loved it. Have been on countless holidays since and had no issues. I do have to control where I go though and make sure I study Tripadvisor.

As far as I know Im completely NT but have just never coped well with holidays so I really feel for your DS (and the rest of you as well as I understand now as an adult how frustrating it must be)

HeebieJeebies456 · 03/01/2019 18:10

let me guess - you've still carried on buying him games, treats, his favourite stuff and spoiling him at christmas and on birthdays?
Still been pandering to his wants?

CheesecakeAddict · 03/01/2019 18:12

You tell him there's loads of things we don't like doing but don't have a choice. And this is one of them. If he's being sulky and ruining your holiday, I would personally then ensure he had no reason to stay at home and take every piece of electronic off him for the summer: phones, PlayStation, the lot.

Katherine2626 · 03/01/2019 18:13

It's a wonderful revelation to find that you can control other people with sulking and refusing to co operate. Why are his needs paramount and the other children - and you - don't matter? His siblings will understandably really resent him - probably thinking that he is somehow special and they aren't, and that won't end well later in life. I really could not let one child dictate what the whole family are doing, especially when he is the only one objecting. What power he has...I would find a relative, or friend, and send him there, and he wouldn't be getting any other holiday other than what the majority want.

toria6118 · 03/01/2019 18:20

OP, are you entirely sure he is NT with no issues? My non NT child with issues moans about going on holiday ALL the time, but he moans because we can’t afford the holiday. Sorry, that behaviour tells me your kid has issues. Are we getting a drip feed now OP?

PengAly · 03/01/2019 18:22

I wonder if this thread was intended to be goady? 7 pages and OP hasnt come back- guess they didnt like the honesty.

tightropemummy · 03/01/2019 18:32

I'm not surprised OP hasn't come back. She came on for advice and has had her parenting ripped to pieces. Sounds like a difficult situation all round and rather than pandering to her youngest, i think she's just been trying to keep him on an even keel rather than put him through an obviously distressing situation, that wouldn't be pleasant for the rest of the family. I agree that giving him the option to stay behind with a relative would be the best solution all round, while trying to get to the bottom of why he's feeling this way. Hope you can help him work through his anxiety/ issues. Good luck!

thenightsky · 03/01/2019 18:37

After reading all those threads in 'Relationships' about partners who strop and sulk when they don't get their own way, giving their families the silent treatment for weeks on end, I wondered how these situations started. Now I know.