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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel our holiday

237 replies

Barnumshumbug · 02/01/2019 12:36

I've name changed for this. I have a 13yr old DS who refuses to go on holidays. He doesn't like travelling at all. There's no real reason behind this. He's NT with no issues.

We have two other children both older. for the last four years we haven't had a holiday as DS refuses to go on one. We were tentatively talking about going abroad this year, as it's not really fair on the other two. They were so excited, however predictably DS had such hysterics, we've booked a hol in the UK. Since we booked, just after Christmas, DS has moaned and sulked every day and it's not until July.

I'm so at the end of my tether with it. I'm trying to understand DS and talk with him, but his only answer is he doesn't like being sat in cars for a long time. I'm also trying to balance out the needs of my other children. I'm actually getting to the stage where I'm thinking of sending DH with the older ones and I'll stay at home with DS. Or

I know in the scheme of things, this isn't a huge problem, but I've been sat in tears this morning feeling so frustrated that he's sulking again.

Can anyone suggest what they would do ?

OP posts:
alltoomuchrightnow · 02/01/2019 15:52

Why are children allowed to dictate to adults? Your other children must be so resentful. Why does his needs trump theirs?

DanielleEvans · 02/01/2019 15:54

Hi OP, my DS also 13 is exactly the same, we've also made him come on holiday with us for the past couple of years but he just ruins it for everyone else with his incessant moaning and bad mood.

We have a holiday booked in march and we will probably leave him with his Grandma.

He also says he cannot cope with car journeys the boredom and feeling travel sick.

It's all very well people criticising with comments such as who;s the parent etc etc but it is quite likely they haven't actually been in this situation, You have to so what works for you and your family. I'd leave him behind if possible.

Leeds2 · 02/01/2019 16:04

If the problem is down to being cooped up on long car journeys, could you not go somewhere by train, where the accommodation is close to the station? Thinking of a city break in the UK, or a seaside resort, where the entertainment is within walking distance of the accommodation, rather than somewhere like the Lakes where you might be stuck without a car.
Or a train to somewhere abroad, such as EuroDisney, Paris, Brussels etc.

Lovemusic33 · 02/01/2019 16:07

I feel for you OP, I have the same issue with my 14 year old, she is diagnosed with Aspergers but this doesn’t really make any difference to how it effects me and her sister. We go on holiday at least once a year in the uk but dd1 ruins it for dd2 and I by moaning the whole time, she will also stop eating when we are away making herself unwell. We would like to go abroad but I refuse to pay a fortune for a holiday when dd1 is likely to ruin it.

I think a lot of it is linked to anxiety and I appreciate that some people don’t like being away from home but I often feel like dd2 and I have to suffer because of dd1’s anxiety.

It’s all ok people saying “book it anyway” and “make him go” but what happens when you get there and he’s as miserable as sin? He will likely ruin it for the rest of you.

I’m looking forward to my dd being old enough to stay at home, she’s 15 in a few weeks, last year I left her for the weekend (with her father) and it was bliss.

Honeybee79 · 02/01/2019 16:09

He doesn't get to dictate to the whole family like this. Go on holiday.

mollyblack · 02/01/2019 16:13

My son is 12 and is the same. Hates holidays, highly anxious, finds travelling and being away from home/routine etc.

He has autism and anxiety.

I used to force family holidays on everyone, everyone had a shit time, it was a huge waste of money. It wasn't a case of "just suck it up".

Then I started to listen to his concerns and we tried to work out things that were easier/better for him. This includes him helping with plans, having a special pass for the airport, talking about what we'll do, building in quiet/down/alone time, sometimes dh or I take one child on holiday and the others do something else. We are all MUCH happier now.

BloodyConscience · 02/01/2019 16:39

Take him and hire a babysitter there if you don't feel Ok leaving him in the hotel. Just stick him in front of his lap top and enjoy your holiday.

malloo · 02/01/2019 16:42

I think people are being pretty harsh OP, I don't think your DS would act like this unless he was really struggling with anxiety or a phobia of some sort. Are there other situations he gets overly stressed by? Something like emetophobia can make the prospect of a holiday really scary, and most emetophobes don't tell anyone about it so you wouldn't necessarily know. Not saying it is that, but I think there's something behind his behaviour so maybe a quiet chat about how he feels is the best thing?

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 02/01/2019 16:51

Oh dear...I have read some twaddle in my time but this...bloody ridiculous..good luck moving forward OP cos you are going to need it if this post is true...

USn00zey0ul00ze · 02/01/2019 16:51

We all have to do things sometimes in life that we don't want to do, that is part of life
It is unfair that his actions have a knock on affect to the rest of the family. Perhaps, you could come up with a way of explaining that when he is a paying/contributing adult, he can make his own decisions. Many people don't get the opportunity to go on holidays, due to lack of money, poor health, other circumstances. He needs something to put his current life into perspective. Does he do chores around the house, garden ?

DistanceCall · 02/01/2019 18:05

He doesn't want to go, he can stay with relatives. And if this isn't possible, he puts up with it and stops whingeing.

It really isn't fair on your other children. You've been privileging his preferences over theirs until now. Enough.

ChoriChori · 02/01/2019 18:20

This is not normal.

I’m assuming your last family holiday was when he was 8...did something happen? Was he left alone anywhere, eg a kids club, or did he go to a service station toilet by himself? Could he have general anxiety?

Something is making him feel distressed. You need to find out what it is. Take him for counselling if he won’t talk to you.

Theunreasonableone · 02/01/2019 18:23

My in-laws treated my BIL like this. The result was he is a selfish nightmare of a grown up who, dispite having his own family, thinks he can still dictate to his parents (and to an extent my DH) he is a truly awful individual.

Miggeldy · 02/01/2019 18:37

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GabsAlot · 02/01/2019 18:39

youre making a nightmare spoilt brat my dsis always "decided" where they went on holiday she now thinks everything should be her way or she has a strop shes 31

Jess499427 · 02/01/2019 18:49

When I was 12-14 my mum saved all year to take me on holiday in Spain with my brother. My mum wanted two weeks to lay by the same pool in the same hotel every day reading. I was very fat and self conscious, and sitting round a pool in a swimming costume was my idea of hell. By the third year I persuaded her to go without me and just take my brother, which she did and we were all much happier, but there was no way I had enough self awareness to realise why I hated it so much and if I did I would have been too embarrassed to explain. Could it be something like that?

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 02/01/2019 19:03

I don’t get this “ suck it up” attitude. There will be hundreds of threads on term time holidays in the coming months. Rafts of posters will say that holidays aren’t a right, no one is entitled to a holiday, examples of families that have never had one etc etc,
No saying you shouldn’t go but why on earth should your son? It’s not a holiday if he’s hating every minute. It’s supposed to be a relaxing break not an yearly institution.

Would people insist their child eat meat if they wanted to be veggie or insist on dance lessons. How has a holiday become one of the things . “you have to do even if you don’t want to”. Odd.

Dextrodependant · 02/01/2019 19:25

There must be something going on with him, sulking for 7 months before it happens is not normal behaviour.

llangennith · 02/01/2019 19:39

Perfectly normal if he's done it for years and got away with it. It's his normal.

TotHappy · 02/01/2019 19:42

maybe you need to go to some parenting classes because you're not very good at this, are you?

That's disgusting. Don't talk to people like that.

greenpop21 · 02/01/2019 19:42

How has a holiday become one of the things . “you have to do even if you don’t want to”. Odd.

If this was me, I'd have nobody to look after him so he's have to 'suck it up' or everyone else would miss out.

CherryPavlova · 02/01/2019 19:48

Tell him that when he has his own house, he can make the rules. Until then he’s a child and needs to behave himself.

ADropofReality · 02/01/2019 21:18

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Awrite · 02/01/2019 21:23

I have an 8 year old who would prefer not to go on holiday. Wouldn't dream of pandering to him though as it would only make him worse.

Awful situation to be in.

Do not cancel the holiday. Sounds like you all need one.

Scifi101 · 02/01/2019 21:39

@ADropofReality

I can see the sensitivity training course has really paid off.