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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel our holiday

237 replies

Barnumshumbug · 02/01/2019 12:36

I've name changed for this. I have a 13yr old DS who refuses to go on holidays. He doesn't like travelling at all. There's no real reason behind this. He's NT with no issues.

We have two other children both older. for the last four years we haven't had a holiday as DS refuses to go on one. We were tentatively talking about going abroad this year, as it's not really fair on the other two. They were so excited, however predictably DS had such hysterics, we've booked a hol in the UK. Since we booked, just after Christmas, DS has moaned and sulked every day and it's not until July.

I'm so at the end of my tether with it. I'm trying to understand DS and talk with him, but his only answer is he doesn't like being sat in cars for a long time. I'm also trying to balance out the needs of my other children. I'm actually getting to the stage where I'm thinking of sending DH with the older ones and I'll stay at home with DS. Or

I know in the scheme of things, this isn't a huge problem, but I've been sat in tears this morning feeling so frustrated that he's sulking again.

Can anyone suggest what they would do ?

OP posts:

FishCanFly · 02/01/2019 13:53

Sorry but your child is a brat who needs a kick up his backside

cuppycakey · 02/01/2019 13:53

If he doesn't want to go, whatever you do, don't force him to come as that will ruin it for everyone.

Just calmly agree and send him to friends/relatives whilst the rest of you have a lovely time.

You have turned this into such a big deal for no apparent reason. If he doesn't want to go then he doesn't go. Why this has resulted in the rest of you not having a holiday is beyond me.

Pachyderm1 · 02/01/2019 13:54

I think this is a big problem. Why is a neurotypical (albeit sulky) 13yo ruling the roost in a way that is clearly negatively impacting on your other 2 kids? Why are his feelings so important?

If you have a parent or sibling who will put up with him I would leave him behind and take the others. If you don’t, tell him to suck it up and accept that he isn’t always the most important. If he absolutely will not accept this you might want to consider counselling, to root out whatever underlying issue is causing him to behave in such an extreme way.

MeredithGrey1 · 02/01/2019 13:54

Are you sure there are no underlying issues? Obviously no one loves long car journeys, but presumably with an ipad or similar he can just spend the whole time watching films if he wants? Does he have any other issues with avoiding new places? Or issues with confined spaces for long periods?

What happens when you suggest a holiday that doesn't involve a long drive (depending on where you live a centre parcs or something similar could be relatively near?). Does he still refuse, what excuse does he give then?

Ultimately I think I'd go without him, if its possible for him to be looked after by grandparents/other family.

namechangedtoday15 · 02/01/2019 13:56

Think this is a wind up

ReflectentMonatomism · 02/01/2019 13:56

Just calmly agree and send him to friends/relatives whilst the rest of you have a lovely time.

Yeah. Because looking after a teenager who tantrums to avoid holidays, and continues to tantrum even after he has got his way, is something that friends and relatives are sure to volunteer to do. Looking after children on behalf of useless parents who allow nine year olds to dictate travel plans is unlikely to end well, either.

It's hard to imagine friends and family don't already know to treat this child like plutonium.

TheVortex · 02/01/2019 13:58

Does he have anxiety about leaving the house empty re. possible break in?
Or anxiety about feeling sick on a journey?

chocatoo · 02/01/2019 14:00

I wouldn't let one child rule the roost. Leave him behind. And yes I agree with PP remove all games consoles etc.
I feel for your other children.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 02/01/2019 14:01

He thinks he has a choice or some right of veto because until now he has been given exactly that.
I have 2 DDs & they enjoy our holidays but, on occasion, I want to visit a museum or gallery that doesn’t interest them and they get told that they don’t have to enjoy it but they have to do it with good grace. I tell them to practice their acting skills and pretend to enjoy it because a family is a team. And, if they imagine a world in which I only do the things I WANT to do, then they can envisage how tricky their lives would become.
Graciously doing things that don’t interest them is a useful life skill and I tell them that, if it helps, they should view it as a part-time job, the wages for which are phone contracts, lifts, clothes, make-up and all the other little favours I do for them.
Families run on favours. At 13, it’s time your son understands that. He is taking but not giving.
If he has a genuine anxiety about it, he needs to put it into words. Otherwise it’s time to learn the valuable life lesson that some things are not a choice.

starcrossedseahorse · 02/01/2019 14:01

I hated holidays too. I was a very anxious child and still hate leaving home even now.
My parents left me behind in the end after about age 14. Not sure how legal that is these days!

Satsumaeater · 02/01/2019 14:01

Having just read a book about anxiety issues I think you need to get to the bottom of what is causing this. A "normal" child will sulk for a bit and get over it. The fact that he isn't, means that there is something else going on.

As others have said, give your older kids the money to go somewhere they want to go, I assume they are now old enough to do something on their own eg a language course or PGL type thing overseas if not old enough to do an independent trip?

DeepanKrispanEven · 02/01/2019 14:02

If you can't leave him behind, and if you're sure there's no underlying mental health reason for this, then ignore his sulks and make it clear to him that it's incredibly unfair of him to expect the entire family to do without a holiday just because he doesn't like travelling. Point out that it's (presumably) 5 years since he did any sustained travelling and he should have grown up enough by now to cope. Also make it clear to him that if he tries to spoil the holiday for everyone else he will be losing something he values - e.g. access to screens - for the rest of the year.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 02/01/2019 14:03

I'm sorry, but you are failing your child by letting him run the show. He's dictated holidays since he was 9 years old? Really?!

You have done him no favours by letting him think the world should revolve around what he wants and his interests and his level of boredom. Selfish, entitled brat by the sounds of it. What kind of adult do you think he's going to be after all this ...?

Yulebealrite · 02/01/2019 14:04

Maybe you do need to send dp with them if you've got no one to look after ds whilst the rest of you go.

GummyGoddess · 02/01/2019 14:07

He can stay with a relative without games console or he can come with you, his choice. If he doesn't come then you have a cheaper holiday and no complaints so it's win win!

greenpop21 · 02/01/2019 14:08

What's NT?
My DD14 gets a bit anxious about travel since all the terror attacks. We are aware of it and expect a bit of a wobble, diarrhoea at the airport etc . I understand her fears as there was a point where the reports were everywhere but she enjoys the holiday normally and wants to go.

GummyGoddess · 02/01/2019 14:11

Actually I've changed my mind. Either holiday somewhere nice or holiday at home with family time all day everyday, no consoles, lots of nice walks and activities. I'm sure he will choose to go elsewhere than be in his home town out and about daily.

LoadOfUtterBoswellocks · 02/01/2019 14:12

I think GetOffTheTableMabel is offering excellent advice.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 02/01/2019 14:13

I get it. It’s supposed to be a holiday and it costs a big chunk of money. Why would you make someone go if they didn’t want to. Added to which, a miserable, sulky child is dreadful on holiday. No idea why people assume he’ll buck up when he’s there.
I took mine everywhere when he was young. Since the age of 10 he absolutely destested going away.I can just about get him away if he brings a friend but mostly I leave him with granny/his cousins.

DeepanKrispanEven · 02/01/2019 14:15

GummyGoddess, he's presumably been happy to stay at home for the last four years. Why do you think that would change?

QueenOfToast · 02/01/2019 14:19

OP you have my sympathy . My 14 year old DS is a little bit like this and if it was up to him we wouldn't go anywhere on holiday (he certainly prefers UK holidays to going overseas). With him, I think that it's due to anxiety about the unknown. He's sometimes worried about specific holiday related things - will I like the food? - but often it's a more generalised anxiety about not knowing what a new place will be like.

Although he would prefer not to go anywhere on holiday, he accepts that we go on family holidays/short breaks 2 or 3 times a year. He is also involved in the holiday decision making process because we usually have a family vote on basics such as mountains or seaside, hotel or villa etc. It's a lot harder for him to moan about it when it's what he's voted for!

FWIW, he doesn't really display anxiety on a day to day basis (and is NT) but I think this is because he stays with what he feels comfortable with - school, home, familiar sports club etc. However, whenever he does feel anxious about something it usually manifests itself as an angry outburst.

We try to make sure that we gently ease him to the edge of his comfort zone whenever we can and his recalcitrance has definitely improved with age. However, when he was younger, it was sometimes enough to drive me to tears of frustration.

On the plus side he has never asked to go on any of those super expensive school holidays that they're constantly sending emails about

Lweji · 02/01/2019 14:21

I'd find someone to have DS during the holidays, or I'd make it clear to him that he is to go without complaints.

You can plan your holiday so that there are plenty of stops so that he doesn't have to sit in the car for long. Ensure rotation of seats in the car, if you are 5.

You can also use a balance of rewarding him for going and make it not attractive for him to stay.
With my DS it would mean the entire holiday time at home without is PS4 or phone anyway. But, in the past, I have allowed him to travel (by car) with his PS4 so that he still got some gaming time on holiday. I also planned the travel holiday with more relaxed times than I'd usually plan. And allowed him to stay in the hotel for a couple of hours while I went out.

My point is that you could try and listen to him and his concerns and try to cater as much as possible to make the holiday enjoyable for him, but insist he's going.

Mugglemom · 02/01/2019 14:22

Could it possibly help to watch youtube travel videos of the place you're planning to go to ease some of the anxiety about what it's going to be like?

Juells · 02/01/2019 14:23

HRTFT

He's the boss, isn't he? 🤣

MiniMum97 · 02/01/2019 14:25

Well there's a life lesson for him. Sometimes in life you have to do things you don't want to do. In fact a lot of time this is the case. And living with others is a compromise. He just has to compromise on this one. Why are you letting him dictate what the whole family does. And my child behaved like this over anything there would be serious consequences. What are you teaching him ffs! That this type of tantruming is acceptable to get what he wants. What about what you or your other children wants? Sounds like you have made a rod for your own back here by placating his tantrums and now he is 13 you have a nightmare on your hands. Time to step up and become a proper parent and let him know this behaviour is no longer acceptable. And expect a HUGE fall out.

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