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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cancel our holiday

237 replies

Barnumshumbug · 02/01/2019 12:36

I've name changed for this. I have a 13yr old DS who refuses to go on holidays. He doesn't like travelling at all. There's no real reason behind this. He's NT with no issues.

We have two other children both older. for the last four years we haven't had a holiday as DS refuses to go on one. We were tentatively talking about going abroad this year, as it's not really fair on the other two. They were so excited, however predictably DS had such hysterics, we've booked a hol in the UK. Since we booked, just after Christmas, DS has moaned and sulked every day and it's not until July.

I'm so at the end of my tether with it. I'm trying to understand DS and talk with him, but his only answer is he doesn't like being sat in cars for a long time. I'm also trying to balance out the needs of my other children. I'm actually getting to the stage where I'm thinking of sending DH with the older ones and I'll stay at home with DS. Or

I know in the scheme of things, this isn't a huge problem, but I've been sat in tears this morning feeling so frustrated that he's sulking again.

Can anyone suggest what they would do ?

OP posts:
trojanpony · 02/01/2019 13:18

Jesus Christ - you are being held hostage because he “finds cars boring”

Fuck that.
It’s grossly unfair on your other two. At 13 he can come or stay if a friends parents agree to have him.

As to what to do - let him sulk and go on holiday with your nice children

KatharinaRosalie · 02/01/2019 13:18

Cancel the UK holiday. Book a trip abroad your other children have been desperate to have for 5 years. Leave the sulky one behind.

BrokenWing · 02/01/2019 13:18

Since he has been 9 years old you have let him dictate your holiday plans with tantrums and sulking just because he doesn't like long car journeys?

I could maybe understand if he had bad car sickness but just because he doesn't like them? You need to learn to ignore and not give into tantrums and sulking as you are not doing him any favours long term. Tell him it's happening, no one likes long car journeys, but they are necessary to get to your destination.

I would also suspect it might be game console/wifi related as the car journey excuse is feeble and he probably knows he will get nowhere if he says he doesn't want to part with his console for a week.

AlanaMay · 02/01/2019 13:20

This is NOT normal behaviour for a neurotypical 13 year old. He might prefer to stay at home on his xbox but by this age, he should be able to accept that being part of a family sometimes involves compromise, and that short term pain (car journey) often equals long term gain (fun activities in a lovely place).
He's either very spoilt and used to dictating the rest of the family, or he DOES have issues of some kind.
I wonder if there is some fear of phobia he doesn't want to tell you about, some latent OCD or anxiety which makes the prospect of a family holiday terrifying to him?
Grumpyniess can be normal in teen when faced with something they don't want to do, but hysterical tantrums six months ahead of time are not.
As a pp suggests, sit down with him and be blunt that it is happening but if he can tell you what exactly is worrying him, you can help him to allay any fears.

Becca19962014 · 02/01/2019 13:21

There's more to this than him just not wanting to be in cars on long trips.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/01/2019 13:21

I'm guessing the reason you've given in to him, and not gone on holiday, is that he would behave in such an awful way that the holiday would be ruined and thus a complete waste of time and money?
That isn't acceptable is it?

CoffeeRunner · 02/01/2019 13:22

You’re absolutely certain he has “no issues?”

How do you think your other children feel about this? It’s grossly unfair for a whole family to be denied something just because one member throws a tantrum about it.

If he was my DS he’d be going whether he wanted to or not.

Becca19962014 · 02/01/2019 13:24

And you cannot be certain he has no other issues.

RCohle · 02/01/2019 13:28

I agree that you shouldn't let one child dictate whether the entire family are allowed to go on holiday.

However I really do think it sounds like your son has some kind of anxiety or agoraphobia. Being so completely reluctant to leave the surroundings he's comfortable with seems quite unusual. I would consider whether professional support might be beneficial.

To be honest I think the decision between forcing him to go (and possibly really distressing him and ruining the holiday for everyone) and letting him stay behind with you (and teaching him he can dictate to you) is really difficult. I feel for you.

raviolidreaming · 02/01/2019 13:30

If your ds doesn't like being stuck in cars for a long time, then a UK holiday was a lousy choice

OK, long car journeys are shit. So fly

To be fair, depending on where they live, there is every chance that the OP is a closer drive to a potential holiday destination than an airport.

I agree that this type of pandering is doing nobody any favours though.

TheFairyCaravan · 02/01/2019 13:30

Has he never been on a school trip since he doesn't like long journeys? Most schools have a Yr6 residential, did he stay behind for that?

I can't believe you allowed a 9yo to dictate what your family does and it's still going on now. Your older children are going to resent this and it could quite well cause further problems.

Poloshot · 02/01/2019 13:33

Tell him to lump it and that's the end of it.

ReflectentMonatomism · 02/01/2019 13:35

We have two other children both older.

At the very least give them the money to have a holiday themselves. So you all sit at home because otherwise a nine year old might get upset? I bet your older children love that.

diddl · 02/01/2019 13:36

"Since we booked, just after Christmas, DS has moaned and sulked every day and it's not until July."

So you all caved into his demand-& for what?

He's still being a mardy arse.

It's not normal at all imo that his reaction would have been so bad for the last 4yrs that you actually haven't had holidays.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 02/01/2019 13:36

As the youngest child, do you tend to put his needs over your other children in other areas too?
Unless there is something you're not telling us, you could be doing the older children untold damage by putting their sibling's needs first.

Thesmallthings · 02/01/2019 13:37

I think your pandering to him. There is bo way I would allow a child that age tell me were not going on holiday. Tell him tough tits he can complain all he likes but he's going.

Buxtonstill · 02/01/2019 13:39

Grossly unfair on your other children.Does he give an actual reason?

TeaForTiger · 02/01/2019 13:40

This is bizarre.

He's either needs help with his anxiety issues or he's a brat being allowed to dominate everyone else's wishes.

Why haven't you addressed this in four years??

SoupOnMyTableNowSir · 02/01/2019 13:42

Cancel the UK one and book the one 4 out of 5 people in the household want.

Every time your youngest dictator child moans about the holiday he loses 30 minutes of gaming time.

Totally unacceptable to allow 1 person in the family to dictate that no-one gets a holiday.

I would tell your son that if he moans on holiday he can stay in the hotel room with a babysitter whilst the rest of you carry on.

Gth1234 · 02/01/2019 13:42

It's all very well saying "you should do this or that", but if the little bugger is completely obstinate, it's so hard to know the right thing to do.

Our son was difficult at times. I seriously felt like involving social services at times, but my wife forbade it. If you really can't deal with him, maybe it's an option.

SchrodingersUnicorn · 02/01/2019 13:46

It sounds like he is anxious about something, but PPs are right and you can't give in, it isn't fair on anyone in the long run.
The long car journey excuse is rubbish (unless he's car sick?) Could you sit him down and say this is happening, no tantruming will get him out of it and if he really doesn't want to go he needs to tell you the real reason. Hopefully he will open up. It really does sound like a phobia that needs working through. If this does turn out to be the case, as PPs have suggested, relatives so the rest of you can have a holiday? If he doesn't come out with anything I think you'll have to push it and take him or this will never change.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 02/01/2019 13:49

I would be encouraging your other two to stage an ever bigger tantrum!

TarquinGyrfalcon · 02/01/2019 13:50

He’s complaining anyway so why not book the holiday the majority want. He’ll still complain but the rest of you will get the holiday you want.

ThrownMuse · 02/01/2019 13:50

OP is not coming back. Either this is a wind up or they are struggling to find an answer they like.

Hope you are ok, OP, whatever happens.

Eliza9917 · 02/01/2019 13:51

I'd leave him behind with someone and take the others abroad. I bet he'd soon change his tune.