Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

AIBU doing this to my son

164 replies

Minnietv · 02/01/2019 11:07

My son is 21 and has been in and out work since he dropped out of college. He has only ever don’t short term agency work, so is out of work for quite long periods. He doesn’t look for jobs and always waits for the agency to call him. When they call him at short notice ie about 7am in the morning to start at 10am he says no because they haven’t given him any notice, and even if they give him a call for a shift for the next day he sometimes says no because he just can’t be bothered or because his girlfriend is staying over!!!!

My husband and I are at the end of our tether with him, we have sat him down and asked him what he would like to do career wise but he just says he doesn’t know, he can’t get a proper job blah blah blah, but when we ask him to show us proof of the jobs he has looked for, he can’t because he then admits he hasn’t applied/looked for them.

He also never cleans his room, (it’s really disgusting) and generally is very disrespectable to us and his little brother (he is 12 and the way he speaks to him sometimes is atrocious )

Obviously we are his parents and we would never put him out (underneath he is a lovely boy and is generally well liked although doesn’t have many friends) but I know I need to do something drastic to get him to realise he needs to grow up.

So, DH and I were discussing it last night and we have decided on the days when he doesn’t have any work he gets up at 7/8am and leaves the house at 9am and doesn’t come back until 4/5pm. He can have the weekend in the house all day. His girlfriend is not allowed to stay over unless it’s at the weekend and he needs to keep his room clean before she is allowed to come back to stay.

I do feel a little bit guilty putting him out during the day but I don’t know what else we can do.

I’m hoping this will get him to realise he can’t just take us for a ride anymore, he is an adult and he needs to pull his socks up.
I will say we have tried other things out to get him to grow up, it’s not as if I’m just starting to bother now, but I’ve never went this extreme before.

So are we being unreasonable? Does anyone else have any ideas as to what we could do?

OP posts:

Cherries101 · 02/01/2019 11:12

I think you should just ask him to leave the house and refuse to help him financially with the new place. You will never be able to make him leave at 9am unless you plan to bodily drag him out into the street?

formerbabe · 02/01/2019 11:13

Great idea in theory.

In practice, yes, I agree with pp how will you actually get him to leave?

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 02/01/2019 11:15

I do this with my 2 boys.
They are back like clockwork for their food at tea time.
Then back to licking where their balls used to be.......
I love my dcats.

Habadabadoo · 02/01/2019 11:18

I'm not sure if this is the right or wrong thing to do but good on you! I'd definitely not let the girlfriend stay over until he sorts himself out.
Sounds like he has it too easy and needs a kick up the *!
I know of a family that kicked their son out (I think he was into drugs though) and it was the best thing to happen to him! Although ofcourse it could have gone either way.
Good luck!

Birdsgottafly · 02/01/2019 11:18

So you are allowing your child to be bullied and emotionally abused? by your Adult Son?

That alone is a reason why he shapes up or ships out.

You won't get him to be put of the house, unless you are willing for a fight and the Police to be involved.

He's an Adult and needs to viwe it as a house Share, but you are also his LL.

Ground rules should include, respect for everyone else living in the house. Room to be kept to a certain cleanliness level, pay his way.

The GF doesn't stay over until this is sorted out.

LollipopCakeThing · 02/01/2019 11:19

I think you will be doing him a favour if you force him to move out. I was a bit of an idiot at that age as my parents did everything for me and gave me money if I spent mine. i had no idea of the value of money or about lots of practical things like how to do the laundry. Thankfully I met a boyfriend, now DH, and moved out and finally grew up.

Being away from home with little money will hopefully concentrate his mind and make him see the benefit of education and work.

Pinkyyy · 02/01/2019 11:19

I don't really understand the logic. Is he likely to just go and lounge around at his girlfriend's house?

Lifeisabeach09 · 02/01/2019 11:21

Give him 2 months notice to find a job or do more shifts or he is has to find someplace else to live.
You aren't doing him any favours by subsidising him.

Knittedfairies · 02/01/2019 11:24

Sorry OP. I can’t see that working at all. How are you going to get him to leave, or even out of bed when he isn’t working? I think making him move out would be a better option.

InspectorIkmen · 02/01/2019 11:25

You might need to face up to the unpalatable fact that is he not, actually, a 'lovely boy'. He doesn't sound lovely at all. He treats you and your home like crap and speaks his brother like he's shit. Not much lovely there.
Tough love OP. Of course that's not easy but it's the biggest favour you can do him.

Poloshot · 02/01/2019 11:27

Sounds like you'd be doing him a favour.

GreenTulips · 02/01/2019 11:28

Let me guess

You cook clean and iron for him as well?

MissMalice · 02/01/2019 11:28

Is he paying board? If not why not?

Slightlycoddled · 02/01/2019 11:30

Although I completely sympathise with why you are proposing those measures; they also sound quite infantalising to me. How are you going to enforce putting a 21 year old out of the house during the day for example? Are you going to patrol the front door?

I think a better idea would be to give him a reasonable deadline (six months?) to find a regular job or training (with prospect of progression) or he has to find his own flat share (for which you may have to help with first month's rent if the worst comes to the worst). The rule about his room being tidy before his gf comes over sounds good though. He also needs to start contributing to food costs, having regular chores, perhaps cooking a meal for everyone once or twice a week. So he is positioned as one of the responsible contributing adults in the house, not a passive recipient ifyswim. Easier said than done though!

I think the years between 20-25 yes are quite tough for some young people, harder than adolescence, because they hit the reality of facing fundamental questions such as "who am I?" and "what do I want to do with my life?", so I have every sympathy with your son but equally I think life sounds a bit too comfortable for him at home currently.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/01/2019 11:31

He doesn't sound lovely at all. He treats you and your home like crap and speaks his brother like he's shit. Not much lovely there.

Have to agree with this.

And what sort of example are you giving your 12 year old? Do you want him hanging around taking the absolute piss, neither paying his way nor pitching in as an equal adult when he's 21?

Do you and your husband work? What's so special about your elder son that he's above getting a regular job?

DarlingNikita · 02/01/2019 11:35

I totally agree with AnneLovesGilbert. Toughen up. Stop letting him walk over you. Ultimatum: he starts paying you £x a week in board from whatever date (I'd give him about a month to get work) or he moves out. He's twenty-one. Some of us had been living alone and supporting ourselves for years by then.

BlueSuffragette · 02/01/2019 11:36

Yes tough love is worth a go. He needs to earn some money to understand the value of It. Do you pay for his phone? I'd stop all unnecessary payments for him and give him some reason to go and get a job. I'd only let GF stay on Sat night if he's been ok with other family members during the week.

MrsJayy · 02/01/2019 11:36

He doesn't sound a lovely boy though he sounds selfish ungrateful lazy and nasty. He is acting like this because he is allowed too,cut him off stop making life easy for him cut him off no girl friend staying no lending him cash tell him he has 6 weeks to find a new place to turn into a tip.

GreenTulips · 02/01/2019 11:36

I’m going to pitch in here

DD has several friends who also refuse to work, parents give them an allowance each week, pay for cars and petrol and food etc they aren’t expected to lift a finger while the parents work full time and do everything.

Most of these friends are taking drugs - seems to ‘numb’ how crap their lives are.

My kids know they are expected to work and find decent jobs!

I wouldn’t attempt to throw him out daily - but I would set a time limit on getting a job.
Stop cooking cleaning and buying for him.
(Yes no clothes pants socks etc)
If he wants clean clothes he can wash them
He has a roof over his head he needs to sort the rest out

Original poster

Minnietv · 02/01/2019 11:37

Thank you everyone for your comments, I do appreciate them.

When he is horrible to his brother, we do speak to him about it, and he does apologise but then he will be horrible again in the future.

When he is working he does pay board money we don’t even need to ask for it.

The only cleaning I do for him is I wash his clothes, I don’t iron or clean his room.

He won’t go to his girlfriends house, she lives about an an hour and a half train journey away so he won’t have money to go there, and anyway her mum wouldn’t let him stay there all day (she doesn’t like him...and I can see why).
He is more likely to go to his grans house or an uncle, but I know eventually they will tell him he can’t stay there all day.

My husband says he will speak to him tomorrow and he will be told how the land lies, if he refuses to go out in the morning, the next thing will be to disconnect all the plugs in his room so he can’t sit in all day and play his PlayStation or computer or phone.

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 02/01/2019 11:38

Your son is a man a grown arsed adult you need to treat him like one.

Original poster

Minnietv · 02/01/2019 11:42

People are talking about not giving him any money, I don’t give him any money at all, nothing, I don’t take him anywhere he needs to go (except any hospitals appointments if he doesn’t have money for the bus) but that’s that.

I don’t pay for his phone, but I think his girlfriend gives him money and I have said to her she doesn’t work to fund him and she should stop giving him money, but I can’t force her to do that.

Someone mentioned about my younger son and what example is being set to him, well he is a completely different kettle of fish, a totally different boy altogether and is actually a lot more responsible than my older son.

OP posts:

Snoz · 02/01/2019 11:43

Great idea. He'll soon realise, his time would be better spent working and earning rather than hanging around like a hobo.

HollowTalk · 02/01/2019 11:43

I think unless you come down hard on him now, then he will soon find he hasn't got a girlfriend (no surprise her mum doesn't like him) and his relatives won't have anything to do with him, either. Time for your husband to give him a really long tough talk and for your son to finally grow up.

WinnieFosterTether · 02/01/2019 11:43

tbh I don't think putting him out of the house for hours on end is feasible or productive. Realistically, he's just going to go to a friends' house and you have less oversight/insight into how he's spending his time.
The rules about when his gf can stay, are fine.
But, if the aim of throwing him out of the house is that he gets a better job then I think it would make more sense to say he has to sign up for a college course. There are lots of short courses that start in Jan so I'd probably push in that direction.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7