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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU doing this to my son

164 replies

Minnietv · 02/01/2019 11:07

My son is 21 and has been in and out work since he dropped out of college. He has only ever don’t short term agency work, so is out of work for quite long periods. He doesn’t look for jobs and always waits for the agency to call him. When they call him at short notice ie about 7am in the morning to start at 10am he says no because they haven’t given him any notice, and even if they give him a call for a shift for the next day he sometimes says no because he just can’t be bothered or because his girlfriend is staying over!!!!

My husband and I are at the end of our tether with him, we have sat him down and asked him what he would like to do career wise but he just says he doesn’t know, he can’t get a proper job blah blah blah, but when we ask him to show us proof of the jobs he has looked for, he can’t because he then admits he hasn’t applied/looked for them.

He also never cleans his room, (it’s really disgusting) and generally is very disrespectable to us and his little brother (he is 12 and the way he speaks to him sometimes is atrocious )

Obviously we are his parents and we would never put him out (underneath he is a lovely boy and is generally well liked although doesn’t have many friends) but I know I need to do something drastic to get him to realise he needs to grow up.

So, DH and I were discussing it last night and we have decided on the days when he doesn’t have any work he gets up at 7/8am and leaves the house at 9am and doesn’t come back until 4/5pm. He can have the weekend in the house all day. His girlfriend is not allowed to stay over unless it’s at the weekend and he needs to keep his room clean before she is allowed to come back to stay.

I do feel a little bit guilty putting him out during the day but I don’t know what else we can do.

I’m hoping this will get him to realise he can’t just take us for a ride anymore, he is an adult and he needs to pull his socks up.
I will say we have tried other things out to get him to grow up, it’s not as if I’m just starting to bother now, but I’ve never went this extreme before.

So are we being unreasonable? Does anyone else have any ideas as to what we could do?

OP posts:

BestestBrownies · 02/01/2019 12:40

Apprenticeship?

Cauliflowersqueeze · 02/01/2019 12:41

By allowing him to remain but “be out” all day I would say you’re actually putting him at more risk than putting him in the totally normal situation of getting a job and making his own way. Him being “out” all day floating around with free board and lodgings from 5pm is zero incentive to change anything surely.

But up to you.

Gertygypsey · 02/01/2019 12:42

I would do as others have advised :give him three months to get a FULL time job or he has to leave. Necessity is the mother of invention - he will prosper if he has to. You are his safety net and there is absolutely no reason for him to work at the moment as he has a great life without doing so. It is making you feel better to bail him out but is not in his best interests.

pictish · 02/01/2019 12:43

Honestly I don’t see what kicking him out during the day is going to achieve. I understand your frustration with him but that seems a petty and pointless course of action to take. As much as I agree that he needs to get his finger out, I can’t imagine that treating him to that humiliation will facilitate anything except resentment. I think it’s a terrible idea.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 02/01/2019 12:43

Hands up who would prefer NOT to have a job and just float around✋🏼

mimitiggy · 02/01/2019 12:45

Good on you, OP! I really hope you do this.

There is nothing to be gained by continuing to support him emotionally in this lifestyle. He has no reason to move out and become independent and is not being realistic - does he intend to still live with you at age 40?

Do it, tell him he has to keep work hours so leave at rush hour and come back at rush hour. He might go sit in a McDonald’s unfortunately but he also might go to the library.

pictish · 02/01/2019 12:46

Oh and all these posters telling you to take a hard line on him and kick him out etc are talking out of their outsider’s arse. None of them would treat their own kids with such callousness - they don’t mind telling you to because it’s not their son and they don’t care for him.

MrsJayy · 02/01/2019 12:47

Money doesn't seem his incentive he doesn't seem bothered that he isn't earning because he has no interest in holidays or cars or even taking him and his gf out to the cinema he needs an incentive to sort himself out a kick up the arse he sounds bloody frustrating.

madcatladyforever · 02/01/2019 12:49

You are not being harsh at all. Where do you think you and he will be in 10 years time if you allow this to continue?
My son did the same and we had a big set to about it, he then upped and left and I didn't see him for 6 months. Of course I was worried sick but it gave him the shove he needed and he now has a decent job and shares a lovely flat with his girlfriend.
If he wants to to be treated like an adult then he must behave like an adult.

madcatladyforever · 02/01/2019 12:50

Yes we would Pictish and it was exactly what my son needed.

HollowTalk · 02/01/2019 12:51

Does his girlfriend really want someone who acts like that? There's no chance of them ever living together unless she funds it. What does she do in the daytime? Most people would get pretty resentful if their boy/girlfriends did nothing all day and expected to be paid for on dates.

Original poster

Minnietv · 02/01/2019 12:51

He’s definekty not selling drugs he has nothing and I mean nothing flashy etc, he doesn’t buy clothes and any time he does get something it’s from Primark, he doesn’t drive, has no money in the bank, his phone is old and currently isn’t working properly and if it breaks completely he won’t have a phone because we won’t buy him one or give him money to fix it.

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 02/01/2019 12:51

Nothing I have said on my posts I wouldn't do if I had to? are you saying you would allow a n adult to doss about your house abusing your other children not contributing to the household because they are your child and you care for them?

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2019 12:51

It's not callous. He is going to carry on leeching because he is being allowed to.

And yes, luckily my DC all moved out of their own volition because they wanted their own homes. And they all had jobs.

tattyteddy · 02/01/2019 12:51

OP, giving him a time frame may help and I think you’re right about GF not coming around unless he is contributing some way. Also I think some posters are being very harsh and calling the OP’s son names. The OP has asked for support not her child to be called names.

LollipopCakeThing · 02/01/2019 12:52

Lots of young people have to move out. My DH lives in a rural area and moved to a city a 100 miles away at 18 to go to university. At the start he went home every weekend and his mum sent him back up every sunday with food for the week. She didn’t know exactly what he was up to from day to day during the week but had no choice but to let go. It was good for him as by the age of 19 he had a job to support himself while attending uni and was no longer depending on his parents. There were hard times - once he couldn’t work for a while and was low on money and didn’t want to ask his parents for money as they aren’t rich - he didn’t have much food to eat for a few weeks but survived and all these things probably improved him as a person - like made him understand the value of money and the importance of work.

Your son needs to experience all sorts of situations so he can grow up.

Original poster

Minnietv · 02/01/2019 12:53

Hollowtalk his girlfriend works but works shifts, so with us saying she can’t stay until he gets his room cleaned and kept clean and can only stay at the weekend, this will really affect him because he is hardly going to get to see her as sometimes she works at the weekend, and unless she gives him money to meet her in town he will never see her.

I’ve tried speaking to his girlfriend saying if she was my daughter I wouldn’t be happy with her being with someone like him who doesn’t work etc, but she doesn’t seem to bother, if she does bother, I don’t know about it.

OP posts:

Omzlas · 02/01/2019 12:56

Time for tough love OP

Landlords don't ask for rent only when you're working - they want paying week in, week out (or month)

He needs to learn to fend for himself and realise that bills need to be paid, food needs to be bought etc

I'd be giving him an ultimatum, maybe a month or two to get himself some regular work and then he's cut off, so to speak.

EerieSilence · 02/01/2019 12:58

@Minnietv

infact he is actually a very confident boy

And here's your main issue. He's 21 but you talk about him like he's 12.
He's not a boy. He's grown-up. He's a man, not a boy, doesn't matter how much of a child you still see in him.
And because you still treat him like a boy, he behaves like one.

pictish · 02/01/2019 12:58

Well done Nanny - your kids are so much better than OP’s.

pictish · 02/01/2019 12:59

MrsJay No - I’m saying I wouldn’t dream up a tenuous punishment such as kicking him out the house all day with nowhere to go, to make my point.

Fairenuff · 02/01/2019 13:05

As you seem to be prepared to throw money at him, you would be better placed to pay for a very cheap bedsit for him to live in. Let him find a way to pay for food, electric, wifi, phone etc. You just cover the rent.

Let him experience life as an adult so that he can see what it's like.

The idea of him leaving the house all day won't work because you can't make him.

MrsJayy · 02/01/2019 13:07

MrsJay No - I’m saying I wouldn’t dream up a tenuous punishment such as kicking him out the house all day with nowhere to go, to make my point

Fair enoughI misunderstood you apologies, I agree I don't think having him out the house all day achieves much but i guess theop has hit a wall with him..

lilybetsy · 02/01/2019 13:08

@MiniTV My eldest was like this, got into smoking weed as well which made him even less motivated.

I sent him away for 6 months wit these guys www.projects-abroad.co.uk/. I paid up front for food & accommodation. he was expected to work - my son did constructiona dn then conservation in Nepal.

I did this for three reasons 1. to show him how incredible privileged he is in comparison to 99% of the rest of the word 2. To get him into a routine of work - let him tell the volunteer staff he doesn't want to ge up ( he didn't - at all) 3. To MAKE him grow up. he wouldn't starve or be on the streets _ I gave him a little spending money but otherwise he was on his own. Oh and 4. because I wanted to kill him, he was driving me nuts, and was a shit example to his two younger brothers

Hes now been home almost a year. he is doing a College course ( attending and committed) he works PT - its MUCH MUCH better. You have to do something ... send him away for a while ...

pictish · 02/01/2019 13:09

I can understand how she has hit that wall but seriously, the kicking him out all day is clutching at straws and straying into desperate madness.

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