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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU doing this to my son

164 replies

Minnietv · 02/01/2019 11:07

My son is 21 and has been in and out work since he dropped out of college. He has only ever don’t short term agency work, so is out of work for quite long periods. He doesn’t look for jobs and always waits for the agency to call him. When they call him at short notice ie about 7am in the morning to start at 10am he says no because they haven’t given him any notice, and even if they give him a call for a shift for the next day he sometimes says no because he just can’t be bothered or because his girlfriend is staying over!!!!

My husband and I are at the end of our tether with him, we have sat him down and asked him what he would like to do career wise but he just says he doesn’t know, he can’t get a proper job blah blah blah, but when we ask him to show us proof of the jobs he has looked for, he can’t because he then admits he hasn’t applied/looked for them.

He also never cleans his room, (it’s really disgusting) and generally is very disrespectable to us and his little brother (he is 12 and the way he speaks to him sometimes is atrocious )

Obviously we are his parents and we would never put him out (underneath he is a lovely boy and is generally well liked although doesn’t have many friends) but I know I need to do something drastic to get him to realise he needs to grow up.

So, DH and I were discussing it last night and we have decided on the days when he doesn’t have any work he gets up at 7/8am and leaves the house at 9am and doesn’t come back until 4/5pm. He can have the weekend in the house all day. His girlfriend is not allowed to stay over unless it’s at the weekend and he needs to keep his room clean before she is allowed to come back to stay.

I do feel a little bit guilty putting him out during the day but I don’t know what else we can do.

I’m hoping this will get him to realise he can’t just take us for a ride anymore, he is an adult and he needs to pull his socks up.
I will say we have tried other things out to get him to grow up, it’s not as if I’m just starting to bother now, but I’ve never went this extreme before.

So are we being unreasonable? Does anyone else have any ideas as to what we could do?

OP posts:
mummyhaschangedhername · 02/01/2019 12:04

He didn't even turn up to the driving theory tests? That is shocking and it doesn't sound like he is a nice boy at all. How disrespectful.

How does he pay for his phone? PlayStation and other things if you're not giving him money?

What's all the hospital appointments for? Is he ill?

DarlingNikita · 02/01/2019 12:05

He needs to WANT to improve his life in some way by working though.

Yes, this. 'Punishing' him with kicking him out during the day or restricting internet access won't work. He needs to make regular money; agency work can absolutely be 'proper' work and it sounds as though there are plenty of shifts coming his way – he needs to take them up regularly.

And he needs a motivation to make regular money. The need to pay board/rent is the best motivation I can think of.

Original poster
Minnietv · 02/01/2019 12:05

wonkypalmtree it’s got to the stage where I don’t care where he goes during the day, but at least he will have a safe place to sleep at night.

We have done the whole CV thing with him, said we will sit with him when looking for jobs etc, he just gets annoyed and defensive etc. My BIL has sat with him and done the whole CV thing too. My husband,me and my sister have sent him details of jobs he could apply for, does he apply for them no he doesn’t.

Bacially he just doesn’t want to work

OP posts:
subspace · 02/01/2019 12:08

Thanks for clarifying, as the advice would have been different. Xx

Not even turning up to theory tests, no interest in college, no interest in money, the talk by various people hadn't done any good, blimey I can see you've got your work cut out!

It's difficult not to treat him like a child when he's acting like one. How about he signs on, and avoids sanctions until he gets a job if he wants to maintain electricity and decent meals at your house. If he is sanctioned for not turning up/not applying for enough jobs, the electric in his room is switched off/wifi password changed, and he gets to eat porridge and nothing else until he's back to serious job hunting daily, with evidence?

Omgineedanamechange · 02/01/2019 12:10

I have lost count how many times we paid for that and then we found out he wasn’t even bothering to turn up for the test.

I thought you didn’t give him any money!

Seriously, you are enabling him simply by feeding him, paying bills etc. Tell him he has to pay £x for his keep starting in a months time, and if he doesn’t, he’ll need to move out. And follow it through.

Original poster
Minnietv · 02/01/2019 12:11

foodylicious gererally he seems very happy, the way he always has been. Very laid back, here him laughing away with any friends he does have, will come down and have a chat with us, and he certainly doesn’t have any low confidence, infact he is actually a very confident boy but this is where I think he thinks the world owes him.

DarlingNikita the agency work isn’t regular, and please bear in mind I’ve already said in another post that he sometimes tells the agency no to work. He has one shift this week, and has been told for the new few weeks at least, there will be no shifts for him. If they need him they will contact him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Minnietv · 02/01/2019 12:13

Omgineedanamechange we were paying this for his birthday, Christmas etc, so we would say we will pay for your therory test up to an amount of £100, if that doesn’t cover your theory test you need to pay for it yourself, if you pass first time, you will get the balance of the money.

As I said I don’t pay any bills for him, he doesnt have any debt and has a PAYG SIM card for his phone which I think his girlfriend pays if he doesn’t have any money.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 02/01/2019 12:16

But who’s covering the food heating electricity?

If he has one shift this week then you need to take it all. What we he earn? £70?

Who’s buying his clothes?

Apple103 · 02/01/2019 12:17

Where did it go wrong with him op? At 21 I would be hugely disappointed if my son turned out like him. Hes an adult but is already failing at life. I think he needs a harsh reality check. Give him 6 months to find a place of his own. If he hasnt then putting him out might be the best thing you're doing for him.
His younger brother is probably more responsible than him because he can see a good example of how he wouldnt want to turn out.
Do you think hes depressed maybe?

GreenTulips · 02/01/2019 12:17

My DD is still at school and has a Saturday job and offered us a contribution towards her upkeep - we didn’t take it! But it was sweet to offer.

She pays her own phone and going out etc - we buy clothes she needs - she buys extras etc

BarbarianMum · 02/01/2019 12:18

The thing about charging a weekly rent is, what do you do if he doesnt pay? Then you're back to booting him out - for the day or permanently. Id be tempted to cut to the chase straight away.

MrsJayy · 02/01/2019 12:26

His needs are being met whether it is emotionally physically he is taking shifts to suit him he for whatever reason has no positive mindset he is fine playing xbox and hanging out with his gf he needs to realise this is not fine If he was mine I would withdraw and give him a time frame for when he needs to do x y z

Cauliflowersqueeze · 02/01/2019 12:28

I would stop trying to parent an adult male 21 year old and just tell him that he’s welcome to stay till end of January and after that he needs to make his own way. Tell him you will give him £500 at the end of January to start him off in shared accommodation or wherever he pleases.

Taking away PlayStation and putting in “rules” will aggravate the situation - he’s not 14 and you aren’t and should not continue to be responsible like this for him. It’s actually not doing him any service or kindessn because you are allowing him to have no job and no income and he needs to support himself.

So, not “kicking him out” but helping enable him to get to the next natural stage in his adult life - supporting himself and shaping his own destiny.

You’ll find him 100% nicer when he’s sorting himself out - he’ll have more self respect for a start.

Jux · 02/01/2019 12:28

You need to have very firm words with your not-so-lovely-after-all son. He is completely taking the mickey. Is he claiming JSA? If not, why not? Then he can pay you some rent/board too, and the Job Centre will keep him up to scratch wrt applying for jobs.o

DishingOutDone · 02/01/2019 12:30

I can see the frustration here I mean what on earth are you meant to do, you have really tried everything. Other than ask him to leave what can you do? Maybe you should ask him to leave. As Barbarian says above, cut to the chase and say son we will support you as much as we can but this can't go on, you have 2 months.

wizzler · 02/01/2019 12:30

Turn off the WIFI until he pulls his weight .. and I presume you are paying for his phone ? That should stop too.

MrsJayy · 02/01/2019 12:31

I agree with cauliflowersqueeze you need to stop parenting him he isn't as said 14.

DishingOutDone · 02/01/2019 12:33

Makes you think though doesn't it, this could happen to any of us, we hope it won't and that our adult children will either be great housemates till they decide to leave, or achieve independence early. The way things are at the moment (and likely to be for the future) there is no cheap lodging accommodation or flat share available, and few young people can rent or buy at 21 so the odds are stacked against families.

And then of course if the young people doesn't want to co-operate either .... Sad

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2019 12:36

I think he's walking all over you and he'll have no reason to change.

Are you going to take his key off him? If not he'll just let himself back in.

3 month deadline to get a job. 4 month deadline to move out. Most I would help with would be a loan for the deposit.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 02/01/2019 12:36

I think you should try your plan for a month but if nothing changes he has to move out and (tell him that).

I can also see why his girlfriend’s mum doesn’t like him. He’s a lazy man-child who bullies his younger brother and is disrespectful to his parents.

Original poster
Minnietv · 02/01/2019 12:37

I really do appreciate everything everyone has said.
He is my son I don’t want to throw him out I personally don’t think that is the answer, I would worry myself sick. I personally thought if we tell him to go out during the day, not come back until 4/5pm it would make him realise he needs to pull his socks up, and at least, he would have a roof over his head, food in his belly and an place to feel safe BUTnits jus the basics he gets nothing more.

I Don’t think I could live with myself if I put him out, wondering where he is, if he’s safe etc.

He never did very well at school but he always went, never skipped school, then to college for about 18 months think he struggled a bit with the work, but he did try, then the girlfriend came along 18 months ago and about 2 months after meeting her, he gave up college (with no job to go to) and as been in and out for work ever since.

It was a fight to get him to sign on, but then, if he signs on, then gets a shift or 2 from the agency, he then needs to call the job centre tell them he has some shifts, then when the shifts stop, he has to then reapply to sign on and wait on money coming through. We do take boarding money from him if he is signing on.

OP posts:
thebaronetofcockburn · 02/01/2019 12:38

He might be selling drugs. He had no inclination to work because he can skate by as he does now. Personally I'd throw him out but as you won't, your plan is worth a try.

JennyHolzersGhost · 02/01/2019 12:39

Well I don’t want to work either but unfortunately the way of the world means that I have to because I don’t have over indulgent parents who will let me sit at home on my arse every day instead.

He needs to move out. Give him a month’s notice. Time’s up. Time to be a grownup.

MumW · 02/01/2019 12:39

I think that he needs 3 months to get sorted with a proper full time job, apprenticeship or college course. He must sign on and give most of it to you for board - he will then have to prove he is looking for work. If he won't sign on/turns down job offers then he is out there and then.

The softly and not so softly approach has not worked. Time to put your foot down hard and mean it, you're doing him no favours letting him think the odd agency shift is work.

MrsJayy · 02/01/2019 12:40

I have 20 something children 1 still lives at home but they are not allowed to take the piss, I appreciate this has snuck up on the op they realise he is a man acting like a teenage boy I understand it might be difficult establishing adult child/parent boundry.