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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU doing this to my son

164 replies

Minnietv · 02/01/2019 11:07

My son is 21 and has been in and out work since he dropped out of college. He has only ever don’t short term agency work, so is out of work for quite long periods. He doesn’t look for jobs and always waits for the agency to call him. When they call him at short notice ie about 7am in the morning to start at 10am he says no because they haven’t given him any notice, and even if they give him a call for a shift for the next day he sometimes says no because he just can’t be bothered or because his girlfriend is staying over!!!!

My husband and I are at the end of our tether with him, we have sat him down and asked him what he would like to do career wise but he just says he doesn’t know, he can’t get a proper job blah blah blah, but when we ask him to show us proof of the jobs he has looked for, he can’t because he then admits he hasn’t applied/looked for them.

He also never cleans his room, (it’s really disgusting) and generally is very disrespectable to us and his little brother (he is 12 and the way he speaks to him sometimes is atrocious )

Obviously we are his parents and we would never put him out (underneath he is a lovely boy and is generally well liked although doesn’t have many friends) but I know I need to do something drastic to get him to realise he needs to grow up.

So, DH and I were discussing it last night and we have decided on the days when he doesn’t have any work he gets up at 7/8am and leaves the house at 9am and doesn’t come back until 4/5pm. He can have the weekend in the house all day. His girlfriend is not allowed to stay over unless it’s at the weekend and he needs to keep his room clean before she is allowed to come back to stay.

I do feel a little bit guilty putting him out during the day but I don’t know what else we can do.

I’m hoping this will get him to realise he can’t just take us for a ride anymore, he is an adult and he needs to pull his socks up.
I will say we have tried other things out to get him to grow up, it’s not as if I’m just starting to bother now, but I’ve never went this extreme before.

So are we being unreasonable? Does anyone else have any ideas as to what we could do?

OP posts:

thebaronetofcockburn · 02/01/2019 16:20

He's very lucky. Plenty of kids his age don't have parents who can afford to allow them to doss at home for free at 21.

pictish · 02/01/2019 16:45

“It sounds to me like this man has grown up without ever having to think of others or take any responsibility. When he fails, his mother picks up after him. He has no confidence, his self esteem is on the floor and he has no resilience.”

That’s a nice fantasy - or do you know the OP and heart son personally and can therefore capitulate about them with confidence?

pictish · 02/01/2019 16:47

*opinionate - bloody autocorrect

pictish · 02/01/2019 16:48

One thing I absolutely hate on mumsnet (and most likely other forums) is the way that people make up shit in their head and then post as if they had any actual insight.

TatianaLarina · 02/01/2019 16:53

Why have my posts been deleted simply for objecting to being told to f off? I didn’t say anything rude.

Fairenuff · 02/01/2019 16:55

Just going on OP's posts which is all any of us can do.

dropped out of college

doesn’t look for jobs

says no because he just can’t be bothered

admits he hasn’t applied/looked for them

never cleans his room

is very disrespectable to us

the way he speaks to him sometimes is atrocious

He seems lazy to me. If OP would like to come back to the thread and discuss everyone's suggestions, maybe we would all learn a bit more.

Why do you ask? Do you know OP's family personally and that's why you're policing the thread?

pictish · 02/01/2019 16:59

People just love to think that others are failing don’t they?

TatianaLarina · 02/01/2019 16:59

I made exactly the same points Fairenuff. To be told that I’m presuming to know DS better than the OP. Nope, I’m just going on what OP has stated here. Which is all anyone is doing.

Pictish’s posts seem very knee-jerk defensive as if she is taking everything personally.

pictish · 02/01/2019 17:00

Stick the boot in to the mum as well as the son. All good fun.

Fairenuff · 02/01/2019 17:06

Pictish's posts are often like that, it's just their style, don't take it personally.

I think that if it's got to the stage where the mother (and yes the father but it's the mother positing here) is thinking of locking her son out of the house all day, you have to look at what got them to this point.

If OP could clarify that would be great. Has he had any regular chores or responsibilities growing up?

What about the 12 year old, are they expected to help out at all or does someone pick up after them too?

Now that he is an adult he could easily be taking his share of the running of the household. Not financially if he isn't earning but he could be doing housework, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, gardening, etc. If is isn't, why not?

Again, going on what OP has posted, if his bedroom is a state it's unlikely that he's running a hoover round the house and pinning the washing on the line.

TatianaLarina · 02/01/2019 17:16

I haven’t taken any of this personally but I don’t think there’s a lot of point trying to reason with her.

nicoala1 · 02/01/2019 17:25

What a tough time for you OP, and a dilemma as to what the best course of action is now too.

If I were in your shoes, I would ban girlfriend from house completely for starters.

Provide just the basic comforts, food in fridge for him to cook, washing machine available for his washing. Mop and vacuum etc. left out for him to clean his room.

Some basic life responsibility skills, without being a total ogre. Set a time limit on the house rules. If he continues to be an arse, say in the house rule agreement that he will have to go, and follow through.

Is there any chance you could afford the deposit on a bedsit or a room in a shared house somewhere for him? I think that is what I would do, and cut the apron strings, although I would emphasise that he is deeply loved, but has to make an effort to stand independently now.

Best of luck. It is not easy.

Crazyladee · 02/01/2019 18:29

We had this a few years ago with my eldest son who is now 23. He finished college and started bumming around. Lying in bed all day, curtains closed, playing on his Xbox. Coming down to raid the fridge still in pyjamas at 3 in the afternoon. His motto was "I'll do it tomorrow" and "chill mum"

So we gave him two weeks to find work... Any work.. And made it clear that if he didn't find work in 2 weeks he would be out on his ear. Apart from a couple of days temping in a bottle factory, he didn't show any signs of getting off his backside so we took a deep breath and turfed him out!

It was honestly the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but we knew we needed to show him some tough love and that unless we took hard action, he would never learn. He sofa hopped for a few weeks and finally he came back with his tail between his legs and told us he had joined a recruitment agency and got himself a proper job. It was an agency job to start with but that ended up leading to them taking him on permanently.

I feel sure that through our actions, he learned a tough lesson. He has been there a few years now and has hardly had any time off. He also runs his own car and pays us board every week,

MrsJayy · 03/01/2019 11:30

People just love to think that others are failing don’t they?

Absolutely not ! The op is struggiling majority of posters are trying to help her be supportive but she does not have to put up with a lazy disrespectful adult in her home because he needs time to bloody find himself

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